# The Onion Sucks Now **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 7, 2001, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577 "2001-07-07T07:01:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Big\_Cheese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8baadc/32.png) [@The\_Big\_Cheese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Big_Cheese)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/21 "2001-07-08T02:01:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Did they quit with the columnists, like Anchower and Teasdale. > > I’m a JEANKEETER for sure! > \*\* Nah, they just take turns every week. What’s cool is you can go to the website and they have all the columns for the last who knows how many months or years. Whats realy scary is so many of my friends not only like Anchower, but resemble him in too many ways. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/22 "2001-07-08T02:16:54Z")
I’m very surprised by how many people love the columnists. I have long considered them the most boring, annoying, and weak part of The Onion. There usually is an excellent lead article, and the horoscopes, what-do-you-think, and statshot are consistently humorous. The rest is pretty hit-n-miss. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/23 "2001-07-08T16:37:23Z")
I know, I just haven’t seen anything new from Jean lately, and I’ve read all the archives. BTW, in the Onion books, do they have those columns? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/24 "2001-07-08T17:15:25Z")
The first book from _The Onion_, _Our Dumb Century_ doesn’t have any columnists, it is just front pages. Their second book, _The Onion’s Finest News Reporting: Volume One_ has examples of all the different sections. However, there aren’t many from the columnists, only about one from each. ---
**Author:** ![Wumpus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8c91f0/32.png) [@Wumpus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wumpus)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2001, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/25 "2001-07-08T17:21:50Z")
They moved from Madison, Wisconsin to New York City last year. Of course they suck now. Wumpus (Born and raised in Mad City) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2001, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/26 "2001-07-10T13:43:48Z")
I was bored, so I decided to think of some of the articles that have been funny, and came up with a whole bunch: Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People I’ll Smoke Anything Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids Man With Complete Mama’s Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again Shi’ite Terrorists Cross County Line- ‘We’ll never catch those Farouk boys now,’ says sheriff Retro-Crazed German Youths Invade Poland U.S. Ambassador To Bulungi Suspected Of Making Country Up Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride To Concert From Mom Phish Collapses Onstage ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod Cousin Oliver To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons '80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change Of Heart On Gay Issue Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck Clinton Chastises Hillary For Failure To Produce Male Heir South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year Clinton Makes Collage for Best Friend Clinton Molested By Visiting Uncle Coalition Of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip To McDonald’s Congress Holds Weekend Trust-Building Retreat Aging Pope ‘Just Blessing Everything In Sight,’ Say Concerned Handlers God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: ‘No,’ Says God Cardinals Blasted For Negative Campaign Tactics In Papal Race Mormon Teen Loses Inhibitions After Third Benadryl Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter ‘Worth The Wait’ For Christian Newlyweds Parents Of 80-Pound Toddler Lapping Up Publicity Parents Of Suicide Victim Saw It Coming A Mile Away Fairy-Princess Ranks Depleting As Girls Aspire To Be Doctors, Lawyers Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence- All Are Killed Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street Area Man Just Wants Regular Haircut Without All The Frou-Frou Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole Attorney Gives Young Woman His Card, The Creeps Mall Security All Up In Girl’s Face Couple Upstairs Going At It Again Wedding- Reception DJ’s Choice Of ‘Strokin’’ Proves Controversial Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker Marxist Student Has Capitalist Parents Nation’s Porn Stars Demand To Be Fucked Harder Neighborhood Children Gear Up For Hotly Anticipated ‘Opening Of The Gerbil’s Tomb’ As You Can See From My Name-Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor Someday, I Will Drive This Short Bus Myself I Have A Huge Crush On My Captor I Hope My Baby Doesn’t Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit My Baby Don’t Need No Medicine (unfortunately, no longer there, but I MIGHT have it saved…) Depends Ain’t So Damn Dependable That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked! Dressing Up Your Dog As Boba Fett Is Something You Have To Devote A Weekend To This New Toilet Paper Is So Soft And Absorbent! Is This A Garage Sale Or A Sick Joke? Today’s New Age Music Is Crap Today’s Women Don’t Like It When You Come To Them As A Bull Or Swan I’m Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze My Brother Is Going To Love This Forwarded List Of Lawyer Jokes I’m Totally Psyched About This Abortion! What The Hell Did I Cram In My Anus Last Night? People Don’t Like It When You Call Them Stupid The Plumbing Business Is Not As Glamorous As The Porn Industry Depicts ---
**Author:** ![Flymaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c4cdca/32.png) [@Flymaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flymaster)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2001, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/27 "2001-07-10T14:04:15Z")
And let’s not forget “There’s No ‘My Daughter Has Cancer’ In ‘Team’”. So very very wrong, and so very very funny. ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2001, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/28 "2001-07-10T17:18:46Z")
=( ---
**Author:** ![bughunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2001, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/29 "2001-07-10T20:14:30Z")
I have to agree it’s more of a buildup of tolerance than any sort of systematic failure on the Onion’s part. That and a selective memory - you can remember the ones you thought were really funny, but not the ones that didn’t do anything for you… But I’ll never forget the Superconducting Monkey Collider either, that one had me in fits. Or: **Bill Gates Grants Self 20 Charisma** , complete with a Bill Gates D&D character sheet. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Big\_Cheese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8baadc/32.png) [@The\_Big\_Cheese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Big_Cheese)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/30 "2001-07-10T23:58:06Z")
Guinastasia, you did that from memory??? I love the “I’m never going drunk on Ebay again” article, I had it clipped on my wall in my cube at work until I had to change cubes a few years ago. I have an issue from October of '94, my all-time favorite. It has our wonderful governor then, Tommy Thompson (now Sec of H&SS in DC) right before he ran for re-election. They took a picture of some guy wearing black leather bondage gear, no shirt, and some kind of black leather cup, and put Thompsons head over the guys head. It looks like Thompson is dressed like that. The headline is “Thompson changes title from ‘Governor’ to ‘Sexecutioner’. Hopes to Update Image in time for next months election”. The caption underneath the picture is ‘Sexecutioner Tommy Thompson struts his stuff for the voters’. The rest of the article is a riot too. I miss the ‘Drunk of the Week’ too. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/31 "2001-07-11T00:46:31Z")
Kinda. I was bored at work-big surpise there-yesterday, so I thought of some of the cool Onion articles, then looked them up and copied them later on. ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/32 "2001-07-11T06:00:47Z")
I’m only a recent reader, so I don’t know if it’s going downhill. However, I do know that the [Marilyn Manson article](http://www.theonion.com/onion3703/marilyn_mason.html) is the funniest thing that I have ever found on the net. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/33 "2001-07-11T06:29:31Z")
I miss “The Drunk of the Week” too [sub]_The Onion_ in no way supports the despicable practice of consuming alcohol.[/sub] I heard that they once clashed with the governor’s office over one of their Tommy Thompson articles. They printed that Tommy declared October “Wisconsin Masturbation Month”. Governor Thompson demanded a retraction so _The Onion_ printed one up in their next issue. It read, “In last week’s issue we mistakenly reported that Governor Thompson had declared October to be ‘Wisconsin Masturbation Month’. It should have read that October was declared ‘Wisconsin Sodomy Month’. _The Onion_ sincerely regrets the error.” After that there were no more complaints from Tommy Thompson. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/34 "2001-07-11T07:53:34Z")
[Check this out](http://www.theonion.com/onion2816/vowels2816.html) There was a thread from a couple months ago in which this exact same thing was said! Int eh battle between the Vowel Fascists and the … well … the other side. Hmmm ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/35 "2001-07-11T08:15:15Z")
_stop_ _think_ ummmm, ohhhhhhhhhh Clinton! This is older then the Vowel Fascists. [Roseanna Roseanna Danna]Nevermind[/Roseanna Roseanna Danna] ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/36 "2001-07-11T16:37:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jinxie \* > \*\*_stop_ > _think_ > ummmm, ohhhhhhhhhh Clinton! > This is older then the Vowel Fascists. > [Roseanna Roseanna Danna]Nevermind[/Roseanna Roseanna Danna] \*\* I think you mean Emily Latella. But back to the main topic. I thought the Haggar Quantum Slacks story was hysterical. ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/37 "2001-07-11T19:29:35Z")
[Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Is Finally Over’](http://www.theonion.com/onion3701/bush_nightmare.html) Still the best headline of this millenium, I say. ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/38 "2001-07-12T09:32:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by javaman \* > **I think you mean Emily Latella.** sigh, I guess so ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Hodge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Hodge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hodge)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2001, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/39 "2001-07-12T19:51:56Z")
Here’s a recent favourite: [Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children](http://www.theonion.com/onion3625/harry_potter.html) Apparently, this one was circulated among fundies who took it seriously :rolleyes: cheers, Hodge ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2001, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577/40 "2001-07-15T10:10:22Z")
I wish they still had Jim’s Journal. I guess Dikkers “got tired of drawing it”, the way he said in the JJ anthology that he “got tired of being married” and of other things. “I didn’t do anything today.” “When I was done eating the sundae I felt kind of sick.” “When I woke up I felt energetic and creative. I stayed up till 3 am reading Trivial Pursuit answers.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-onion-sucks-now/71577.md?page=3)