# The Opposite Sex: you thought \_\_ was a clear sign of interest. It wasn't. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 27, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684 "2010-02-27T21:06:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/1 "2010-02-27T21:06:46Z")
I’d like to do a thread that’s the opposite of [this one](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=552554). Lots of us have someone in our lives who thought we were interested in them, but we weren’t, and more over, we don’t know _why_ they thought we were. Help us out a little, and tell us what you’ve misinterpreted as a sign of interest, but it turned out not to be. The other thread is probably helpful to those who need to work on noticing signs, and hopefully this will help people not _send_ misleading signals accidentally. So, you mistakenly thought s/he was interested because they X. What was X? ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2010, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/2 "2010-02-27T21:24:13Z")
He said, “If you take my pants off, you’re stayin,”. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/3 "2010-02-27T21:28:27Z")
A few years back, a friend invited me to her autumnal equinox party. I met a girl there who seemed utterly fascinated by me–laughing at my jokes, asking me to tell MORE jokes, complimenting me to newcomers at the party, insisting on accompanying me to the store when I was asked to go get more ice, inviting herself to sit on my lap as soon as we got back from the store. Around 1 a.m., when I said I had to get going, she volunteered to walk with me to my car. Having gotten what I thought were about a dozen clear signals, I asked her for her phone number as soon as we were alone. She declined. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2010, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/4 "2010-02-27T23:19:46Z")
I’d really like someone to try to parse why people do things like that described by **Skald**. Are they insecure, just want to be cockteases (or the converse), enjoy getting off on working someone else up only to cruelly reject them, bipolar, borderline, or what exactly? ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2010, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/5 "2010-02-27T23:44:29Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > I’d really like someone to try to parse why people do things like that described by **Skald**. Are they insecure, just want to be cockteases (or the converse), enjoy getting off on working someone else up only to cruelly reject them, bipolar, borderline, or what exactly? Attention. More specifically, to boost the girl’s own ego. The question you may have been trying to get at is why would a girl do something so selfish. Some girls just aren’t self-aware enough to realize that what strikes them as harmless fun is construed very differently by men. Others know and just figure that flirting is more fun than acting cold and stand-offish. ---
**Author:** ![Zhen\_ka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zhen\_ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhen_ka)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2010, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/6 "2010-02-27T23:53:11Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > Attention. More specifically, to boost the girl’s own ego. The question you may have been trying to get at is why would a girl do something so selfish. Some girls just aren’t self-aware enough to realize that what strikes them as harmless fun is construed very differently by men. Others know and just figure that flirting is more fun than acting cold and stand-offish. Or, maybe she doesn’t date black guys, maybe she really needed to find a shitter 'cause her tummy hurt… Please. These threads suck because they end up with this kind of shitty post blaming the woman. Like it’s been said before, “Maybe she’s just not that ‘in’ to you.” You misread the signs. Man up and deal. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/7 "2010-02-28T00:03:27Z")
> [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > Or, maybe she doesn’t date black guys, maybe she really needed to find a shitter 'cause her tummy hurt… > > Please. These threads suck because they end up with this kind of shitty post blaming the woman. > > Like it’s been said before, “Maybe she’s just not that ‘in’ to you.” > > You misread the signs. Man up and deal. Actually, I’m a woman who has been called a tease on many occasions. I didn’t misread any signs, I just figured that since that question was directed towards me I was qualified to answer it. And I’ll be the first to admit that I can be a self-centered brat. ---
**Author:** ![Magicicada](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c67d28/32.png) [@Magicicada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magicicada)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/8 "2010-02-28T01:28:28Z")
He praised my cute little nose. And showed an interest in my shoes. And my handbag. And my make-up. Yes, I did eventually realize he was gay.:smack: ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2010, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/9 "2010-02-28T02:02:14Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > I’d really like someone to try to parse why people do things like that described by **Skald**. Are they insecure, just want to be cockteases (or the converse), enjoy getting off on working someone else up only to cruelly reject them, bipolar, borderline, or what exactly? What can sometimes be that someone is drunk, too. There are guys who become more flirty after a few too many as well. Skald, was she drinking? ---
**Author:** ![Student\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2010, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/10 "2010-02-28T04:41:01Z")
A little different from me misconstruing signals, though in the same vein: my female friends often misread signals about whether another girl is showing interest in a guy; I suppose they are generalizing from their own flirty behavior. One _swears_ that women only hug guys that they’re attracted to, another thinks that girls only dance with guys as a means to flirt, etc. A few have attempted to take matters into their own hands and get me hooked up when they’re sure someone’s been hitting on me, and they’re usually stunned when they find out they’ve got it wrong. Sometimes a woman is just huggy, or just wants to dance without making it a mating game. ---
**Author:** ![runcible\_spoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc29f/32.png) [@runcible\_spoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runcible_spoon)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2010, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/11 "2010-02-28T06:35:21Z")
I recently went on three dates with a girl, culminating in a little making out and cuddling, which I figured meant a fourth date was in order. I was wrong. On the other hand, there’s a girl where I work who I have kind of half a crush on, because her voice is ridiculously gorgeous. We’ve flirted a bit, but I’m really not all that interested - however, whenever she’s around I find myself being flirtier than I usually am, and she (as far as I can tell) does the same. So, I find myself in the position of suspecting she’s interested, based on a set of behaviors that, in my case, do not indicate interest. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/12 "2010-02-28T19:26:02Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > What can sometimes be that someone is drunk, too. There are guys who become more flirty after a few too many as well. Skald, was she drinking? Nope. I hardly ever drink (which is why I was the one sent out for more supplies), and I noticed that she was the only other person not touching anything stronger than Coke. I don’t make passes at drunk girls. > [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > [QUOTE=The wind of my soul] > > Attention. More specifically, to boost the girl’s own ego. The question you may have been trying to get at is why would a girl do something so selfish. Some girls just aren’t self-aware enough to realize that what strikes them as harmless fun is construed very differently by men. Others know and just figure that flirting is more fun than acting cold and stand-offish. Or, maybe she doesn’t date black guys, maybe she really needed to find a shitter 'cause her tummy hurt… Please. These threads suck because they end up with this kind of shitty post blaming the woman. Like it’s been said before, “Maybe she’s just not that ‘in’ to you.” You misread the signs. Man up and deal. [/QUOTE] May I ask whom this is aimed at? I know you were responding to **wind** , but given what **wind** was talking about, your target is unclear. Anyway…both the girl and I were black, so that wasn’t it. And I don’t see how _inviting herself to sit on my lap_, when there were plenty of other places to sit, can be meant, by an honest person, as anything other than a wordless “I think you’re attractive and would be pleased to spend time with you alone.” The friend who invited me to the party (also a woman, if I didn’t say so above), blamed the girl in question for what happened We saw each other the next day, and she asked me when I was going out with the girl in question or had simply slept with her that night. When I said that she’d shot me down, my friend was visibly surprised and called her a cock-tease. That isn’t to say that such … events are always the fault of the woman. Sometimes guys can’t distinguish between friendliness and flirtatiousness; sometimes guys deliberately decide to ignore signs of the former. Nor are such problems unique to straight guys. I have two lesbian friends (well, actually I have about fifty lesbian friends, a product of where I go to church) who both have epicly bad gaydar. They’re both forever falling for straight women and convincing themselves that the woman is interested in them when it’s clear to me and others that this is not the case. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/13 "2010-02-28T19:44:32Z")
Sometimes people change their mind. I can imagine being interested in a person and then, in the clutch, freaking out and losing my nerve, changing my mind. It doesn’t mean you were ever being dishonest. ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/14 "2010-03-01T08:14:40Z")
At my year 12 ball, I (metaphorically) ran into a guy I was sort of friends with on the dance floor. He said I looked good and we had fun dancing together for a while. Later, when the speeches had been made and the slow dances had started, he approached me and asked me to dance. We got our pictures taken together, some with his arm around me and some with me sitting in his lap (though to be fair, it was the photographer who suggested those poses). We left the ballroom and talked for about half an hour. We went back in for the last few dances, then hugged goodbye at the end of the night. I thought he was interested, but apparently not. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/15 "2010-03-01T09:15:11Z")
[ETA: never mind. It sounded stupid written down, and probably was.] ---
**Author:** ![Todderbob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@Todderbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Todderbob)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/16 "2010-03-01T09:32:24Z")
Compulsive lap sitting is probably the best one. To the point where it was actually awkward. I asked her whether she was coming onto me or I was going crazy, and she said rather matter of factly, “You took my favorite seat.” > [@John\_DiFool](#): > > I’d really like someone to try to parse why people do things like that described by **Skald**. Are they insecure, just want to be cockteases (or the converse), enjoy getting off on working someone else up only to cruelly reject them, bipolar, borderline, or what exactly? Maybe… she wasn’t looking to give him her phone number, she was looking to get laid and leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/17 "2010-03-01T16:27:02Z")
> [@Todderbob](#): > > Compulsive lap sitting is probably the best one. To the point where it was actually awkward. I asked her whether she was coming onto me or I was going crazy, and she said rather matter of factly, “You took my favorite seat.” > > Maybe… she wasn’t looking to give him her phone number, she was looking to get laid and leave it at that. I simply don’t believe that a woman forward enough to behave as she was doing, and willing to have sex on such short acquaintance, would have been balked by a request for a phone number. She would have said, “Well, why don’t I just go home with you instead?” or kissed me instead. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/18 "2010-03-01T17:08:57Z")
The lap sitting is what pushes it over the top for me with Skald’s story. This isn’t college, where that sort of thing was more ok-ish. I don’t sit on anyone’s lap that I am not actively pursuing. For me it was the young man I mentioned in the other thread. We saw each other every day, laughed together, did all of our homework together, took long walks together. And then when I asked him, he balked. ---
**Author:** ![FordTaurusSHO94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f07891/32.png) [@FordTaurusSHO94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordTaurusSHO94)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/19 "2010-03-01T17:13:31Z")
Sitting on my lap, facing me, and sliding foward to firmly press her crotch against mine while smiling at me was apparently not a clear sign of interest. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684/20 "2010-03-01T17:14:58Z")
> [@FordTaurusSHO94](#): > > Sitting on my lap, facing me, and sliding foward to firmly press her crotch against mine while smiling at me was apparently not a clear sign of interest. Jesus please us. I have done that, exactly once, and it was a clear sign of interest, and oh yes did he get it. What on earth did she mean by it, then? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-opposite-sex-you-thought-__-was-a-clear-sign-of-interest-it-wasnt/530684.md?page=2)