# The painful reality of growing apart **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314 "2015-06-24T03:11:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/1 "2015-06-24T03:11:57Z")
> **[The Painful Reality Of Growing Apart](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart_b_6714312)** > > "I don't want to be married anymore." A whisper moved across my husband's lips as if he couldn't find his voice. A whisper, a barely audible cluster of words, were about to change the trajectory of my entire life. I just came across this article and it really hit home with me, this part especially: _“I knew no matter how hard we’d tried, we’d grown apart, that phrase people use when they can’t point to abuse or affairs or addiction, the usual suspects leading to divorce. In fact, those reasons are (understandably) far more forgivable than merely growing apart. If my husband had hit me, I’d have a reason to leave him. Many don’t think divorcing for lack of love is reason enough.”_ I am experiencing this myself at the moment and have shared my feelings in another thread here (‘Do you regret getting divorced from your passionless, roommate-like marriage?’) along with many others. I have reached a point where I don’t know what the hell to do. I just got off the phone to my partner and we were having a laugh about something stupid. We still get along fine. We still like one another’s company, but I know… I KNOW I don’t feel the same way about him that he feels about me. When I say “I love you” I don’t mean it in the way he does and I don’t know how to make him understand, or how to find the OOMPF to leave such a comfortable place. Have you ever experienced what’s happened in the article above? ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/2 "2015-06-24T03:57:47Z")
Really? 53 views and no answers? ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/3 "2015-06-24T05:05:30Z")
Talk to your husband about the way you feel. [[hugs]] ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/4 "2015-06-24T05:24:51Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > Have you ever experienced what’s happened in the article above? Yes, unfortunately, I have. After 12 years and three young kids my wife walked out. Just up and left. It was a total surprise, so in that sense my experience was a little different than that author’s. The wind was knocked out of me, my church and pastor and whole family were completely surprised. Her family was completely surprised too. Love has many facets, friendship, brotherhood, erotic, passionate, hot, holding hands and talking, holding each other and not talking, partnership, and so on. But besides being a feeling it is also a decision and a commitment. Now that I’m married again, for 13 years and no kids, love is still all of those things but it is a decision I make each and every day. To love my wife and commit to her each and every day. I am sorry you’re going through your challenges. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/5 "2015-06-24T08:23:48Z")
I’d first check your ego. You knew darn well the person you said your vows to was. Promises need to be kept. When your 65 you will be glad. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/6 "2015-06-24T08:30:23Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I’d first check your ego. You knew darn well the person you said your vows to was. Promises need to be kept. When your 65 you will be glad. “You’re.” You make this mistake in every damned post. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/7 "2015-06-24T09:03:19Z")
Yes, been there a couple times. One of the myths that sustains society is that monogamy _just works._ But there is no real reason for it to work over the long term. If it does, one is lucky. You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s done nothing wrong. You have the right to move on to something new. That may not fit the traditional narrative (which was a lie), but so be it. Sorry you have to go through this. I know it’s very painful. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/8 "2015-06-24T11:28:40Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I’d first check your ego. You knew darn well the person you said your vows to was. Promises need to be kept. When your 65 you will be glad. Not necessarily. And it’s “you’re.” ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/9 "2015-06-24T12:05:06Z")
I think you’re trying to avoid taking any ownership is this at all. Initially you were regretting he wasn’t cheating or doing some horrid thing, because then this would be easier for you. That’s a pretty good indicator that it’s your ego you’re struggling with, to me. Initially you also resisted the phrase ‘grown apart’, mostly because you didn’t _want_ it to apply. Possibly because you were given lots of well intentioned advice, when you initiated this relationship, about how likely this outcome was, given your age differences. So that little bit of denial also seems ego related. Look, everyone getting married thinks, “Divorce? That won’t be us!”, and fully half of them are wrong. But when it becomes time to admit divorce is required denial is not a very mature or helpful stance really. I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere until you take some ownership in this , to be honest. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/10 "2015-06-24T12:27:16Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > When your 65 you will be glad. When your 65 what? ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/11 "2015-06-24T12:36:27Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > One of the myths that sustains society is that monogamy _just works._ But there is no real reason for it to work over the long term. If it does, one is lucky. It works when two people commit to it and stay invested in it to _MAKE_ it work. If monogamy isn’t for you, the generic ‘you’ then be honest with yourself _and also with your loved one_ and don’t commit to it, namely don’t share marriage vows vowing monogamy 'til death. > [@Aeschines](#): > > You have the right to move on to something new. That may not fit the traditional narrative (which was a lie), but so be it. Well… Generally one gives up their right to move on when s/he takes an oath and signs legal papers to not leave a committed relationship. > [@Aeschines](#): > > Sorry you have to go through this. I know it’s very painful. Yes it can be very painful, often more painful for the one being left than for the one doing the leaving. Pain all around, especially if kids are involved. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/12 "2015-06-24T12:59:26Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > When your 65 you will be glad. It should be **you’re** but the previous two uses of **your** were correct giving you a score of 2/3 or .66667, which rounds up to 1. This means that we will mark the text quoted above as correct. Well done. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/13 "2015-06-24T13:06:11Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > It works when two people commit to it and stay invested in it to _MAKE_ it work. If monogamy isn’t for you, the generic ‘you’ then be honest with yourself _and also with your loved one_ and don’t commit to it, namely don’t share marriage vows vowing monogamy 'til death. The ignorant assumption in this post is profound. Why do you assume that everyone takes generic Christian wedding “vows”? It may surprise you to find out that millions of people don’t. For many millions more it’s just a ceremony. It wasn’t a part of my wedding and not part of most that I’ve attended. Yes it’s usually a part of the ones that they show on TV or whatever but I’m smart enough to know that TV isn’t real life. > [@](#): > > Well… Generally one gives up their right to move on when s/he takes an oath and signs legal papers to not leave a committed relationship. Amazingly enough, this is even more ignorant and flat out idiotic. Pretty much no one signs legal papers saying that they won’t leave a committed relationship. Where do you get this shit? The legal papers have zero to do with monogamy and whether or not one person might leave some day. You should do a little research before you comment any more. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/14 "2015-06-24T15:26:05Z")
_Grammar Hi-jack Gone Wild!!_ Anyway, back to the OP. What’s your relationship background? How old were each of you when you started the relationship? How long? It sounds like you are implying that you have changed since the relationship began. How so? Do you have different interests than you did? Has the sex gotten boring or non-existent? Have you tried couples therapy? Sure everyone has the right to chart their own course, but think about the impact of your actions. If relationships are flexible, shouldn’t you find someone that sees it the same way as you do? If definitely sounds unfair to your current SO. But if you decide you need to end it, it’s better to stand up and own your actions. Take the responsibility for ending it, so he understands it wasn’t necessarily something that he did. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/15 "2015-06-24T15:40:01Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > The ignorant assumption in this post is profound. Why do you assume that everyone takes generic Christian wedding “vows”? It may surprise you to find out that millions of people don’t. For many millions more it’s just a ceremony. It wasn’t a part of my wedding and not part of most that I’ve attended. Yes it’s usually a part of the ones that they show on TV or whatever but I’m smart enough to know that TV isn’t real life. > > Amazingly enough, this is even more ignorant and flat out idiotic. Pretty much no one signs legal papers saying that they won’t leave a committed relationship. Where do you get this shit? The legal papers have zero to do with monogamy and whether or not one person might leave some day. You should do a little research before you comment any more. I know this isn’t great debates, but I think you are a bit myopic in putting your own worldview on the rest of society. Bullitt never said **everyone**. But religious wedding ceremonies in the US are by far the majority that are preformed vs. secular ceremonies. Yes secular ceremonies are on the rise, but they have a long way to go before becoming the norm. Or are you saying, well even if they include vows such “til death do us part” that no one actually means it? Your rant is misplaced. Besides it’s not even pertinent. The OP herself can clarify whether she made such vows when she was married. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/16 "2015-06-24T15:58:10Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Or are you saying, well even if they include vows such “til death do us part” that no one actually means it? I believe 40 - 50% of first marriages end in divorce or separation. Just sayin. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/17 "2015-06-24T16:06:54Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > I think you’re trying to avoid taking any ownership is this at all. Initially you were regretting he wasn’t cheating or doing some horrid thing, because then this would be easier for you. That’s a pretty good indicator that it’s your ego you’re struggling with, to me. To me, it’s a sign they (don’t know the OP’s gender) don’t want to make a mistake, and that it’s easier to figure out what to do when there are clear signs rather than vague feelings and notions. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/18 "2015-06-24T16:14:51Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I believe 40 - 50% of first marriages end in divorce or separation. Just sayin. Yeah, my first one did as well, but I don’t believe that the majority of people that get married go into it thinking that this is temporary. And even if one party does, I would expect that it is even a smaller % that both parties go into it thinking this is temporary. Most people who believed that way wouldn’t even waste their time going through the process of getting married. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/19 "2015-06-24T16:29:09Z")
If you do get divorced, and you ever get married again, make sure to change the vows to something you can keep. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/20 "2015-06-24T16:40:38Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > I know this isn’t great debates, but I think you are a bit myopic in putting your own worldview on the rest of society. Bullitt never said **everyone**. But religious wedding ceremonies in the US are by far the majority that are preformed vs. secular ceremonies. Yes secular ceremonies are on the rise, but they have a long way to go before becoming the norm. > > Or are you saying, well even if they include vows such “til death do us part” that no one actually means it? > > Your rant is misplaced. Besides it’s not even pertinent. The OP herself can clarify whether she made such vows when she was married. Really? And what percent of marriages are such that “s/he takes an oath and signs **legal** papers to not leave a committed relationship.” I’m going to go with zero. What percentage of ceremonies have the “til death do us part” thing? Only certain types of Christian ones, not even all of them. I was not the one who made assumptions about the OP’s specific wedding ceremony, that was **Bullitt**. His whole argument is based on an assumption and that was my point. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314.md?page=2)