# The painful reality of growing apart **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314 "2015-06-24T03:11:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/21 "2015-06-24T16:41:40Z")
> [@bup](#): > > If you do get divorced, and you ever get married again, make sure to change the vows to something you can keep. I’m glad that we finally have someone here who can tell us exactly what the OP’s wedding vows were. Please enlighten the rest of us. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/22 "2015-06-24T17:40:21Z")
I’m taking the gamble that [her wedding vows were one of these or a close variant.](http://www.bridalguide.com/planning/wedding-ceremony-traditions/examples-of-wedding-vows) If I’m wrong, I change my post to say, “again make sure to use those wedding vows that don’t imply this is for the rest of your life.” ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/23 "2015-06-24T17:53:19Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Yeah, my first one did as well, but I don’t believe that the majority of people that get married go into it thinking that this is temporary. And even if one party does, I would expect that it is even a smaller % that both parties go into it thinking this is temporary. Most people who believed that way wouldn’t even waste their time going through the process of getting married. I think there’s a difference between going into a marriage thinking “this is temporary” and going into a marriage thinking “this may not work.” ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/24 "2015-06-24T17:58:48Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Really? And what percent of marriages are such that “s/he takes an oath and signs **legal** papers to not leave a committed relationship.” I’m going to go with zero. > > What percentage of ceremonies have the “til death do us part” thing? Only certain types of Christian ones, not even all of them. I was not the one who made assumptions about the OP’s specific wedding ceremony, that was **Bullitt**. His whole argument is based on an assumption and that was my point. I’m pretty sure that most everyone understood Bullitt to mean making standard wedding vows and signing a standard marriage license. Your pedantic rant serves no purpose other than to demonstrate your own character. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/25 "2015-06-24T18:00:32Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I think there’s a difference between going into a marriage thinking “this is temporary” and going into a marriage thinking “this may not work.” Totally agree. For me, now, I wouldn’t get married in either circumstance. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/26 "2015-06-24T18:03:51Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > The ignorant assumption in this post is profound. Why do you assume that everyone takes generic Christian wedding “vows”? It may surprise you to find out that millions of people don’t. Thank you for enlightening me. Yes I did assume most all vows were ones including equivalents of 'til death do us part, forever, and the like. I didn’t realize vows would say otherwise. That’s actually better, for those who prefer that. Ignorance fought. But you didn’t have to be rude. > [@hajario](#): > > Amazingly enough, this is even more ignorant and flat out idiotic. Pretty much no one signs legal papers saying that they won’t leave a committed relationship. Where do you get this shit? If the vows included forever, then the legal papers you sign for the same event tie to those vows. Not legally binding, but still there is a connection between the two events. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/27 "2015-06-24T18:13:26Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I’d first check your ego. You knew darn well the person you said your vows to was. Promises need to be kept. When your 65 you will be glad. Who would be glad they’d spent decades with someone under false pretenses? Would you want your spouse sticking around out of obligation? The OP should get divorced. It doesn’t need to be justified to anyone or have an obvious “reason” like infidelity. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/28 "2015-06-24T18:44:12Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > I’d first check your ego. You knew darn well the person you said your vows to was. Promises need to be kept. When your 65 you will be glad. I hope that when the OP is 65, both the OP and the former partner are living fulfilling lives, either with or without new partners. Despite the length of time I’ve been on this board, I still manage to be taken aback by the number of people who believe that divorce can never be right — no matter how much circumstances change, no matter how hard people have worked to hold their relationship together beforehand — because by gum, you made a promise 5 or 10 or 20 years ago! And society will judge you better if you spend the rest of your life being unhappy because at least no one can say you didn’t keep your promise! **Hugosvoice** , I feel both for you and your partner. I wish you both happiness in the future, either together or separately. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/29 "2015-06-24T19:13:56Z")
This is a major reason why I would not get married. I take my promises seriously and some promises are not reasonable to make, let alone attempt to hold others to. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/30 "2015-06-24T19:25:00Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/31 "2015-06-24T20:11:19Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > One of the myths that sustains society is that monogamy _just works._ But there is no real reason for it to work over the long term. If it does, one is lucky. > > You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s done nothing wrong. You have the right to move on to something new. Or to remain involved with him AND pursue new involvements as you wish. The potential “growing apart” problem is one more reason I prefer polyamory. Not having to leave people. Not having to lose connections with people you still love just because things change as described above in the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/32 "2015-06-24T23:06:40Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > What’s your relationship background? How old were each of you when you started the relationship? How long? It sounds like you are implying that you have changed since the relationship began. How so? Do you have different interests than you did? Has the sex gotten boring or non-existent? Have you tried couples therapy? Sorry folks, I should have given a bit more history. > [@Urbanredneck](#): > > You knew darn well the person you said your vows to was. Promises need to be kept. When your 65 you will be glad. > [@bup](#): > > If you do get divorced, and you ever get married again, make sure to change the vows to something you can keep. > [@Bullitt](#): > > Well… Generally one gives up their right to move on when s/he takes an oath and signs legal papers to not leave a committed relationship. First of all, we’re not married. Both of us find it unnecessary and expensive, and with attitudes like this it’s no wonder people call it a prison. I’m 33 and he’s 50. We met 12 years ago when I was 21 and he was 38. We’d both just come out of relationships. My break up was very painful. We were only together for 2 years or so but it was a rollercoaster of a relationship. He stalked me and wouldn’t leave me alone. He turned everyone against me. My current partner was the only one ‘on my side’. My White Knight if you will. For many years I didn’t see the age thing. In fact I found it quite amusing, bragging to people about how this much older man who everyone loved wanted to spend time with lil ol me. As time went on though the gap started to widen. Although he doesn’t act like a fuddy duddy, there’s no denying we are at completely different stages in life. For 9 years or so things were great. We had fun and enjoyed each other’s company. Sure we had our differences but who didn’t, right? Then in late 2013 we bought a property together. Something shifted in me. At first I thought it was just adjusting to being somewhere new, but as the months went on I realised the feeling wasn’t going away. I tried to leave in October, creating reasons that weren’t really there - they were there but they weren’t the biggest deals (spending too much time on the computer, not wanting to go out with me). I was just using them as an excuse. He vowed to change and did so successfully, but my feelings remained the same. I knew I had to face that my feelings had just changed. **I** had just changed. Buying the property had opened my eyes to just how different we are and how different the things we want are. It’s like I’d been wearing a blindfold for 9 years. I am a serial monogamist who hasn’t been alone since I was 17 (except for a few drunken months in between relationships) and now I find myself tied to a 30 year mortgage? How did this happen? What about the plans to travel the world I’d been making since I was 12 years old? I’d allowed society to convince me that what I wanted was fanciful, ‘not how life works’ and to just live as I’m expected to and ‘go with the flow’. So I did. Our sex life is non-existent. As awful as it is to admit to myself, I don’t think I have ever been attracted to him physically. Sex has felt like a chore for as long as I can remember. I was attracted to how safe he made me feel. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > To me, it’s a sign they (don’t know the OP’s gender) don’t want to make a mistake, and that it’s easier to figure out what to do when there are clear signs rather than vague feelings and notions. Yes. I have a lot of fears. Fear of hurting him. Fear of losing money on my home. Fear of my family being unsupportive (they are very money minded and will probably be more concerned about the property). Hurting him is what is holding me back the most. He really is a wonderful man and I KNOW he deserves the truth but I just can’t bring myself to spit the words out. > [@AnaMen](#): > > The OP should get divorced. It doesn’t need to be justified to anyone or have an obvious “reason” like infidelity. But I feel like I do need a reason. Permission. I can’t deal with people saying I’ve just changed is not ‘good enough’ and can be ‘worked on’. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/33 "2015-06-24T23:21:51Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > But I feel like I do need a reason. Permission. I can’t deal with people saying I’ve just changed is not ‘good enough’ and can be ‘worked on’. Well, it can be worked on. That’s true. But maybe it’s not something that should be worked on. Sadly, no one can tell you that but you and maybe him. Right now, you have a huge thing between you and he might not even know it exists. You want to do the right thing by him and don’t want to hurt him, but silence isn’t kinder, to me. You can start slow. Say you’re worried. Say you are feeling different. If you’re willing to go to couple’s counseling, ask if he’ll go. Say you feel like you’re changing. Let him into your world. It might not help. It might not fix things. But it’s fair and right. I read what you’re saying and you don’t seem really to be thinking of him as an equal and an adult. You’re trying to protect him and worry that he’s so much more into you. Well, maybe that will change when he understands what you’re really thinking. What you think is who you really are. And you’re hiding that right now. You’re scared, which I completely get. You don’t want to hurt him, which I completely get. You’re afraid of the repercussions and the loss of safety and control, which I completely get. But you’re also lying to someone who doesn’t deserve to be lied to, and you’re cheating him out of his own independence and autonomy. You’re deciding for him rather than with him. Good luck with everything. ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/34 "2015-06-24T23:25:11Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You can start slow. Say you’re worried. Say you are feeling different. If you’re willing to go to couple’s counseling, ask if he’ll go. Say you feel like you’re changing. Let him into your world. It might not help. It might not fix things. But it’s fair and right. What if there is no desire to fix things? I don’t feel like I want to. I feel like this stage of my life is over. I feel so emotionally checked out and wish I could just click my fingers and start a new life. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/35 "2015-06-24T23:26:32Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > What if there is no desire to fix things? I don’t feel like I want to. I feel like this stage of my life is over. I feel so emotionally checked out and wish I could just click my fingers and start a new life. If you don’t want to fix things, you don’t. But you still owe him truth instead of lies and sooner rather than later. ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/36 "2015-06-24T23:29:52Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > If you don’t want to fix things, you don’t. But you still owe him truth instead of lies and sooner rather than later. You’re right, and Christ, believe me I know that. I have been trying to get the words out for so long. I don’t know what I’m looking for, trawling all these internet forums. You guys have been so great though. Some people are just awful. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/37 "2015-06-24T23:34:19Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > What if there is no desire to fix things? I don’t feel like I want to. I feel like this stage of my life is over. I feel so emotionally checked out and wish I could just click my fingers and start a new life. By the way, is there any chance you may be dealing with depression or another issue that might be skewing your judgment? ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/38 "2015-06-24T23:36:57Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > By the way, is there any chance you may be dealing with depression or another issue that might be skewing your judgment? No, what makes you say that? ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2015, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/39 "2015-06-24T23:50:38Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > But I feel like I do need a reason. Permission. I can’t deal with people saying I’ve just changed is not ‘good enough’ and can be ‘worked on’. There are always going to be people who criticize your choices, no matter what you choose. You don’t need anyone’s permission to live the life of your dreams, so don’t sit around growing old waiting for it. It won’t be easy, but you can deal with other people voicing their disapproval. People who care about you want you to do what is best for you, but they may be completely wrong about what that is and may try to convince you to do things that are not in your interest. You must not let yourself believe that they know your life better than you do. You can’t “work on” not being attracted to someone and not wanting to fix this relationship and it’s nobody else’s business why you break up. You owe no explanations to friends and family. Things didn’t work out, you don’t want to talk about it, the end. As for your partner, sit him down and tell him how much you care about him, how much you appreciate the time you have spent with him, and that you are at different stages in life, your feelings have changed, and it’s over. Don’t wait another day, there is never going to be a better time than now. ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2015, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/40 "2015-06-25T00:08:00Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > There are always going to be people who criticize your choices, no matter what you choose. You don’t need anyone’s permission to live the life of your dreams, so don’t sit around growing old waiting for it. > > It won’t be easy, but you can deal with other people voicing their disapproval. People who care about you want you to do what is best for you, but they may be completely wrong about what that is and may try to convince you to do things that are not in your interest. You must not let yourself believe that they know your life better than you do. > > You can’t “work on” not being attracted to someone and not wanting to fix this relationship and it’s nobody else’s business why you break up. You owe no explanations to friends and family. Things didn’t work out, you don’t want to talk about it, the end. > > As for your partner, sit him down and tell him how much you care about him, how much you appreciate the time you have spent with him, and that you are at different stages in life, your feelings have changed, and it’s over. Don’t wait another day, there is never going to be a better time than now. Your post made me cry and is exactly what I needed to hear. Every word. Thank you. x [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314.md?page=3)