# The painful reality of growing apart **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314 "2015-06-24T03:11:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![BaldDudePeekskill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5e925/32.png) [@BaldDudePeekskill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaldDudePeekskill)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/61 "2015-06-25T23:57:31Z")
Time to step off my soap box…just saw the whole not legally married thingy… I guess I feel that since my people (da gayz) worked so hard to have legal marriage, I just assumed it’d be something that was a natural progression after a certain number of years. I believe common law kicks in after seven years… If you have to go through a relationship which may be imbalanced financially and you can legally be married, why wouldn’t you? I don’t buy the whole “it’s just a piece of paper” nonsense. I legally was not allowed to see my late partner while he was dying in the hospital until I secured a medical power of attorney, visitation documents, etc…it is a VERY important piece of paper. I don’t know your situation, but if the property is not jointly owned, good luck trying to get your fair share if things get nasty… And they often do. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/62 "2015-06-25T23:57:54Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I hope that when the OP is 65, both the OP and the former partner are living fulfilling lives, either with or without new partners. > > Despite the length of time I’ve been on this board, I still manage to be taken aback by the number of people who believe that divorce can never be right — no matter how much circumstances change, no matter how hard people have worked to hold their relationship together beforehand — because by gum, you made a promise 5 or 10 or 20 years ago! And society will judge you better if you spend the rest of your life being unhappy because at least no one can say you didn’t keep your promise! > > **Hugosvoice** , I feel both for you and your partner. I wish you both happiness in the future, either together or separately. If my older niece was on this board, she’d be bible-quoting about how god hates divorce, and you can’t get divorced unless there’s adultery or abandonment. She qualified it later by adding that she doesn’t advocate anyone staying in an abusive relationship, but god still hates divorce. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2015, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/63 "2015-06-26T00:38:49Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > Yes, unfortunately, I have. After 12 years and three young kids my wife walked out. Just up and left. It was a total surprise, so in that sense my experience was a little different than that author’s. The wind was knocked out of me, my church and pastor and whole family were completely surprised. Her family was completely surprised too. > > Love has many facets, friendship, brotherhood, erotic, passionate, hot, holding hands and talking, holding each other and not talking, partnership, and so on. But besides being a feeling it is also a decision and a commitment. Now that I’m married again, for 13 years and no kids, love is still all of those things but it is a decision I make each and every day. To love my wife and commit to her each and every day. > > I am sorry you’re going through your challenges. I actually tried to compose something, gave up, went back to read the thread only find you said it better than I did. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2015, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/64 "2015-06-26T00:50:12Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > Sorry folks, I should have given a bit more history. > > First of all, we’re not married. Both of us find it unnecessary and expensive, and with attitudes like this it’s no wonder people call it a prison. > > I’m 33 and he’s 50. We met 12 years ago when I was 21 and he was 38. > > We’d both just come out of relationships. My break up was very painful. We were only together for 2 years or so but it was a rollercoaster of a relationship. He stalked me and wouldn’t leave me alone. He turned everyone against me. My current partner was the only one ‘on my side’. My White Knight if you will. > > For many years I didn’t see the age thing. In fact I found it quite amusing, bragging to people about how this much older man who everyone loved wanted to spend time with lil ol me. As time went on though the gap started to widen. Although he doesn’t act like a fuddy duddy, there’s no denying we are at completely different stages in life. > > For 9 years or so things were great. We had fun and enjoyed each other’s company. Sure we had our differences but who didn’t, right? > > Then in late 2013 we bought a property together. > > Something shifted in me. At first I thought it was just adjusting to being somewhere new, but as the months went on I realised the feeling wasn’t going away. I tried to leave in October, creating reasons that weren’t really there - they were there but they weren’t the biggest deals (spending too much time on the computer, not wanting to go out with me). I was just using them as an excuse. He vowed to change and did so successfully, but my feelings remained the same. I knew I had to face that my feelings had just changed. **I** had just changed. Buying the property had opened my eyes to just how different we are and how different the things we want are. It’s like I’d been wearing a blindfold for 9 years. > > I am a serial monogamist who hasn’t been alone since I was 17 (except for a few drunken months in between relationships) and now I find myself tied to a 30 year mortgage? How did this happen? What about the plans to travel the world I’d been making since I was 12 years old? I’d allowed society to convince me that what I wanted was fanciful, ‘not how life works’ and to just live as I’m expected to and ‘go with the flow’. So I did. > > Our sex life is non-existent. As awful as it is to admit to myself, I don’t think I have ever been attracted to him physically. Sex has felt like a chore for as long as I can remember. I was attracted to how safe he made me feel. > > Yes. I have a lot of fears. Fear of hurting him. Fear of losing money on my home. Fear of my family being unsupportive (they are very money minded and will probably be more concerned about the property). Hurting him is what is holding me back the most. He really is a wonderful man and I KNOW he deserves the truth but I just can’t bring myself to spit the words out. > > But I feel like I do need a reason. Permission. I can’t deal with people saying I’ve just changed is not ‘good enough’ and can be ‘worked on’. Honestly, if you’re not married and have no kids, split. Move on. There Must Be 50 Ways to Leave a Lover. But take responsibility. I doesn’t sound like this is his fault: it’s yours. And not only that, you’ve been dishonest. I mean, I hate to be mean to someone I don’t really know, but from what little I know it sounds like he’ll be better off without you. You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2015, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/65 "2015-06-26T04:25:29Z")
To be honest, it seems like most of the people I know who married before age 24 ended up divorced. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2015, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/66 "2015-06-26T15:20:33Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > To be honest, it seems like most of the people I know who married before age 24 ended up divorced. The statistics aren’t good for early marriages. Not too surprising given the amount of change most of us experience in our twenties. ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2015, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/67 "2015-06-30T05:37:36Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > 21 and not married…go go go. I’m not 21. I’m 33. 😕 > [@Hugosvoice](#): > > I’m 33 and he’s 50. We met 12 years ago when I was 21 and he was 38. ---
**Author:** ![bb49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b38774/32.png) [@bb49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bb49)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2015, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/68 "2015-07-01T05:01:02Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > “You’re.” You make this mistake in every damned post. :smack: Perfection and Leaf fan don’t go together!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2015, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/69 "2015-07-01T06:54:38Z")
Your so right. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2015, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/70 "2015-07-01T13:21:37Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > I’m not 21. I’m 33. 😕 Yes, but you were 21 when you entered the relationship. At 21 most people don’t know what they want to do with their life 2 years from then, much less be making a decision on a lifelong relationship. You are forgiven, go and make better relationship decisions now that you are 33. ---
**Author:** ![desertmonk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@desertmonk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/desertmonk)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2015, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/71 "2015-07-01T16:16:19Z")
I’m serious when I suggest just sending him a link to this discussion; let him spend ten minutes reading it, then when he is ready you talk. ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2015, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/72 "2015-07-01T23:56:39Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Yes, but you were 21 when you entered the relationship. At 21 most people don’t know what they want to do with their life 2 years from then, much less be making a decision on a lifelong relationship. > > You are forgiven, go and make better relationship decisions now that you are 33. Oh right. Sorry, I misunderstood. x ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2015, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/73 "2015-07-03T17:35:36Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > I tried to leave in October, creating reasons that weren’t really there - they were there but they weren’t the biggest deals (spending too much time on the computer, not wanting to go out with me). I was just using them as an excuse. He vowed to change and did so successfully, but my feelings remained the same. Frankly, this is a really shitty thing you’ve done. Making him jump through loops to try to salvage a relationship that can’t be salvaged. Making him feel responsible for the failure of a relationship when he had no part in this failure. At 50, especially since he’s a man, he could build again a satisfying romantic life with another woman (and actually have a sex life to boot). You know that this relationship is doomed. If not this year, then the next, or the one after that. You’re afraid to hurt him, but you know you will hurt him anyway sooner or later, so why wait? And please don’t follow the advice given by someone to take baby steps, dropping hints, go with him to counseling when you know any effort will be pointless. You’re just going to torture him more for months on end, give him false hopes, from this previous experience you mentioned, he will feel guilty, try hard to salvage this relationship, all in vain. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2015, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/74 "2015-07-03T17:53:31Z")
> [@desertmonk](#): > > I’m serious when I suggest just sending him a link to this discussion; let him spend ten minutes reading it, then when he is ready you talk. Not a good idea IMO. There are some statements in this thread that he doesn’t really need to know about, like the fact that she was never attracted to him. Better to leave him with a nice memory of at least the beginning of this relationship. Maybe she should try to write on a piece of paper what she intends to say, though. Even though the conversation won’t follow her script, it will help her figuring out in advance what exactly she wants to tell him and how to tell him. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2015, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/75 "2015-07-03T17:55:04Z")
Well said, **clairobscur**. ETA: you ninja’d me. I was referring to your post #73. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2015, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/76 "2015-07-03T18:16:57Z")
> [@desertmonk](#): > > I’m serious when I suggest just sending him a link to this discussion; let him spend ten minutes reading it, then when he is ready you talk. No, do not do this! The point is _not_ to hurt him unnecessarily. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2015, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/77 "2015-07-04T02:16:31Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Frankly, this is a really shitty thing you’ve done. Making him jump through loops to try to salvage a relationship that can’t be salvaged. Making him feel responsible for the failure of a relationship when he had no part in this failure. > > At 50, especially since he’s a man, he could build again a satisfying romantic life with another woman (and actually have a sex life to boot). > > You know that this relationship is doomed. If not this year, then the next, or the one after that. You’re afraid to hurt him, but you know you will hurt him anyway sooner or later, so why wait? > > And please don’t follow the advice given by someone to take baby steps, dropping hints, go with him to counseling when you know any effort will be pointless. You’re just going to torture him more for months on end, give him false hopes, from this previous experience you mentioned, he will feel guilty, try hard to salvage this relationship, all in vain. > [@clairobscur](#): > > Not a good idea IMO. There are some statements in this thread that he doesn’t really need to know about, like the fact that she was never attracted to him. Better to leave him with a nice memory of at least the beginning of this relationship. > > Maybe she should try to write on a piece of paper what she intends to say, though. Even though the conversation won’t follow her script, it will help her figuring out in advance what exactly she wants to tell him and how to tell him. I agree with all of this, Hugo. You need to get on with it, and without making excuses because none are needed. Honesty necessitates that you take away the future he is expecting to have with you. There is no need also to re-write the past. Leave him with his memories intact, to be cherished, but be honest about where it goes from here. ---
**Author:** ![Not\_Carlson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bc79bd/32.png) [@Not\_Carlson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_Carlson)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/78 "2015-07-05T03:51:47Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > Honestly, if you’re not married and have no kids, split. Move on. There Must Be 50 Ways to Leave a Lover. But take responsibility. I doesn’t sound like this is his fault: it’s yours. And not only that, you’ve been dishonest. > > I mean, I hate to be mean to someone I don’t really know, but from what little I know it sounds like he’ll be better off without you. > > You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave. A bit harsh. I agree that she does need to come out and tell her partner the truth about her feelings and not leave him to suffer in uncertainty any longer. But in cases like these, it’s pointless to talk about who’s at fault. There are things in the OP’s situation that match very closely to my own, or rather, to my wife’s. Sixteen years, three kids, and now she says she no longer loves me, isn’t attracted to me, feels trapped, wants to find herself, wants a new life. It was like a punch to the gut when she finally came out with it. Yet as painful as that was, it was better than the months of uncertainty and coldness that led up to it. Sometimes my bruised ego makes me wish I could blame her for the failure of our marriage, but really, we’ve both contributed to how things have changed between us, and yet neither of us is at fault. I still love her, and my greatest wish is that we could just go back to sharing a loving relationship. But that’s very unlikely. The best I can hope for is that we both find happiness separately, while remaining friends. **Hugosvoice** , talk to your partner. Let him know your feelings. You do owe him that. Some have advised writing a letter. If that’s what you need to do to share your true feelings, do so, but I personally would find that a rather cold way to receive such a devastating message. Sit down with him and share your feelings. Let him tell you how he feels. Be prepared to receive as big a blow to your heart as you will give to his. An do it sooner than later. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/79 "2015-07-05T12:42:03Z")
This happened to me after 20 years of marriage. I am not going to lie and say it didn’t rip my guts out because it did. But, I took advantage of it. I looked at all the things she was no longer attracted to and decided which of those were things I didn’t like so much about myself either and I took steps to change them. There were a lot of things I didn’t like so much about her either. ``` The most important change I made was to present myself to the world in a more realistic light so I wouldn't be attracting the wrong kind of women in the future. Its amazing how easy it is to make some changes to ourselves when they are reinforced by positive responses from others. ``` ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2015, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/80 "2015-07-06T23:22:08Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Frankly, this is a really shitty thing you’ve done Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I enjoy going home every night, knowing what I’m keeping from him? Do you think I enjoy the intense anxiety and panic attacks I go through to the point of physically vomiting every time I consider talking to him? Of course I wish this could just be over!!! It’s just THAT easy to end a relationship. I’ve had people tell me they wanted to leave their partners for decades, but could only do it when they were ready, when they felt strong enough. I don’t yet, ok? I know it’s not fair on him but I don’t. Fucking hate on me all you want, that’s just how I feel. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314.md?page=5)