# The painful reality of growing apart **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314 "2015-06-24T03:11:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2015, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/81 "2015-07-06T23:54:40Z")
I’m sorry. This just isn’t easy for me… I have lots of issues with anxiety, co-dependency and fear. What might seem like a straightforward decision/action to someone isn’t that easy for someone like me to execute so I don’t need to be reminded about what a shitty thing I’m doing. I know it’s shitty. Due to my abusive father (towards my mother) I was brought up not to rock the boat and just go with the flow no matter what. It’s something that sticks with you. I’m working on it in therapy but it’s not easy. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2015, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/82 "2015-07-07T01:31:35Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > I’m sorry. This just isn’t easy for me… > > I have lots of issues with anxiety, co-dependency and fear. What might seem like a straightforward decision/action to someone isn’t that easy for someone like me to execute so I don’t need to be reminded about what a shitty thing I’m doing. I know it’s shitty. > > Due to my abusive father (towards my mother) I was brought up not to rock the boat and just go with the flow no matter what. It’s something that sticks with you. I’m working on it in therapy but it’s not easy. I would suggest couples therapy for you. Not to figure out a way to stay together, that isn’t going to happen, but to figure out how to separate. It helped my ex and me a lot and we are now best of friends. ---
**Author:** ![Hugosvoice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Hugosvoice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugosvoice)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2015, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/83 "2015-07-07T01:52:39Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > I would suggest couples therapy for you. Not to figure out a way to stay together, that isn’t going to happen, but to figure out how to separate. It helped my ex and me a lot and we are now best of friends. Thank you for the suggestion but some weeks I can hardly afford a bus ticket, let alone a therapist. ☹ EDIT: Sorry I know that makes no sense considering I said I was working on my issues in therapy, but my cheap sessions are nearly up. Here we are allocated 10 sessions for a reduced price. I have to spread them out as much as I can just so I can save the money to attend them. There’s no way I’m going to be able to continue paying full price. ---
**Author:** ![Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enter_the_Flagon)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2015, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/84 "2015-07-07T03:14:22Z")
> [@Hugosvoice](#): > > There’s no way I’m going to be able to continue paying full price. Have you talked to your therapist about this? He/she may be able to find a way for you to keep coming, or may be able to refer you to state/county subsidized counseling. I wonder, **Hugosvoice** , since you don’t feel up to having the talk with your partner yet, would writing him a letter be something you could manage? You don’t even have to deliver it; you can rip it up if you feel like it. Then write another. And another. On your own schedule: once a day, once a week, whatever. Until you know exactly what you want to say, and are comfortable saying it. With the plan that someday, you’ll hand him the letter, or if you’re feeling strong enough, tell him person. Some people will complain that a letter is too passive-aggressive a way to let him know how you feel, but few of those people grew up watching your father beat up your mother. So is a letter an option? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2015, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/85 "2015-07-07T13:44:08Z")
> [@BaldDudePeekskill](#): > > Time to step off my soap box…just saw the whole not legally married thingy… > > I guess I feel that since my people (da gayz) worked so hard to have legal marriage, I just assumed it’d be something that was a natural progression after a certain number of years. I believe common law kicks in after seven years… If you have to go through a relationship which may be imbalanced financially and you can legally be married, why wouldn’t you? I don’t buy the whole “it’s just a piece of paper” nonsense. I legally was not allowed to see my late partner while he was dying in the hospital until I secured a medical power of attorney, visitation documents, etc…it is a VERY important piece of paper. I don’t know your situation, but if the property is not jointly owned, good luck trying to get your fair share if things get nasty… And they often do. I’ve been hearing this thing about common law in a number of threads lately so let’s just clear it up, and I will use your post. Common law marriage is only available in nine states now. [cite](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage#United_States) Considering that PA has now made only past common law marriages legal (that is, after 2005, no new common law marriages will be recognized), I have a feeling the other states will eventually follow this too. However if you do have a commonlaw marriage in a State that allows it, all of the other States do recognize it. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2015, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/86 "2015-07-07T13:55:19Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I’ve been hearing this thing about common law in a number of threads lately so let’s just clear it up, and I will use your post. > > Common law marriage is only available in nine states now. [cite](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage#United_States) Considering that PA has now made only past common law marriages legal (that is, after 2005, no new common law marriages will be recognized), I have a feeling the other states will eventually follow this too. > > However if you do have a commonlaw marriage in a State that allows it, all of the other States do recognize it. That’s pretty interesting. I was aware that common law was available in only a few States and in particular not in California. I got to wondering how it would affect long term same sex live-in relationships in light of the recent Supreme Court ruling so I read the article. As it happens, among other things, common law marriages are only valid if both parties freely consent that their relationship is a marriage. So even if the OP lives in one of the nine states, they do not have a common law marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2015, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314/87 "2015-07-07T13:58:16Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > That’s pretty interesting. I was aware that common law was available in only a few States and in particular not in California. I got to wondering how it would affect long term same sex live-in relationships in light of the recent Supreme Court ruling so I read the article. As it happens, among other things, common law marriages are only valid if both parties freely consent that their relationship is a marriage. So even if the OP lives in one of the nine states, they do not have a common law marriage. Yupparooni. I only know because I am in a long term opposite sex live in relationship (19 years this year) and a few years ago everyone kept telling me I was in a common law marriage. So I finally looked it up, to find that NY didn’t even recognize them. Bummer…except that NY has some excellent domestic partnership laws (for example, I am on his health insurance). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-painful-reality-of-growing-apart/723314.md?page=4)