# The parts you'll never play **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 21, 2007, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791 "2007-01-21T03:35:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/1 "2007-01-21T03:35:29Z")
As I listenend to Placido Domingo bellow his “I don’t get it, but I can sing it” way though a _Man of LaMancha_ medley, I started thinking about all the roles I’ve always wanted to play, and perhaps could have in the day, but not now: Aldonza – OK, I couldn’t have done this even in the day, because it’s not in my vocal range. Likewise Ado Annie. Emily Webb – Wa-a-a–ay too old now. Verging on too old to play Emily’s mother. Amanda Wingfield & Blanche DuBois How about you? ---
**Author:** ![pinkfreud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pinkfreud/32/17603_2.png) [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/2 "2007-01-21T06:33:14Z")
When I was a stage-struck teen I dreamed of some day playing Joan of Arc in Shaw’s _Saint Joan_. Never got the chance, and now it’s too late (somehow I doubt that anyone would accept a 59-year-old gal as the Maid of Orleans). Maybe a drastic rewrite could turn Joan into the Matron of Orleans, a grumpy old dame who saves France, but is mistaken for a cow and gets barbecued by mistake. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/3 "2007-01-21T06:39:16Z")
Well, the biggest theatre company in my area just did Fiddler on the Roof. I auditioned for Motel the tailor and didn’t get it. Since they have a policy of at least 10 years before repeating a show, I’ll definitely be too old to play that part for them when it comes around again. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/4 "2007-01-21T06:54:50Z")
I would looooove to play Judas in “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Unfortunately, being both female and largely devoid of talent, this isn’t going to happen any time soon. But damned if I won’t sing along to the part for as long as I can. ---
**Author:** ![remisser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@remisser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/remisser)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/5 "2007-01-21T07:04:15Z")
Who says you can’t play a part? Write a revisionist script and direct your own production. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![lawoot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/35a633/32.png) [@lawoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lawoot)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/6 "2007-01-21T08:31:10Z")
John Adams in _1776_. For some reason, a 6’-3", overweight Adams just doesn’t seem to fit. Ditto for Peter Pan. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/7 "2007-01-21T08:33:46Z")
I once sang “Sodomy” in a production of **Hair** while eating a banana, so there’s really no point in further roles. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/8 "2007-01-21T09:30:06Z")
I’d love to do Poo-Bah, or Ko-Ko from Mikado, or even the Sergeant from Pirates of Penzance. Alas - I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. I was told, while growing up, I could only sing when I was mowing the lawn. And still got complaints… ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/9 "2007-01-21T10:54:14Z")
I would do a great job as Richard Roma from _Glengarry Glen Ross._ I know Al Pacino’s rants practically by heart, including the speech pacing. You stupid fuckin’ cunt. You IDIOT. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/10 "2007-01-21T14:03:34Z")
I’d love to play the part of Livia in the classic _I, Claudius_. ---
**Author:** ![NJ\_Kef\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b487fb/32.png) [@NJ\_Kef\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NJ_Kef_1)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/11 "2007-01-21T15:07:59Z")
[QUOTE=Miss Purl McKnittington] I would looooove to play Judas in “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Unfortunately, being both female and largely devoid of talent, this isn’t going to happen any time soon. But damned if I won’t sing along to the part for as long as I can. [/QUOTE] It was so interesting to read that, because I’ve wanted to play Pontius Pilate in JCS since I was 16, and that was decades agone. I love his tortured indecisiveness. I think that I look the part and I enjoy singing along to Pilate’s [lyrics](http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/j/jesuschristsuperstarlyrics/pilatesdreamlyrics.html), but I’m devoid of talent as well. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/12 "2007-01-21T15:20:27Z")
[QUOTE=NJ\_Kef] [QUOTE=Miss Purl McKnittington] I would looooove to play Judas in “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Unfortunately, being both female and largely devoid of talent, this isn’t going to happen any time soon. But damned if I won’t sing along to the part for as long as I can. [/QUOTE] It was so interesting to read that, because I’ve wanted to play Pontius Pilate in JCS since I was 16, and that was decades agone. I love his tortured indecisiveness. I think that I look the part and I enjoy singing along to Pilate’s [lyrics](http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/j/jesuschristsuperstarlyrics/pilatesdreamlyrics.html), but I’m devoid of talent as well. [/QUOTE] OK, that clinches it. One day, before we die, we have to do a Doper Grannies version of JCS. 'Cause I always wanted to do Jesus. . . . Play Jesus. _sigh_ ACT the ROLE of JESUS in that play. Musical. Whatever. ---
**Author:** ![NJ\_Kef\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b487fb/32.png) [@NJ\_Kef\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NJ_Kef_1)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/13 "2007-01-21T19:33:59Z")
[QUOTE=WhyNot] OK, that clinches it. One day, before we die, we have to do a Doper Grannies version of JCS. [/QUOTE] I’m not a granny, more the avuncular type, but I’m game, provided it’s understood that my performance will be worthy of an _American Idol_ beat-down. Simon: “NJ\_Kef, you thoroughly crucified that song! It was literally an abomination!” Paula: “I could tell – hic – you were really feeling the lyrics…” Randy: “Pitchy, dawg… I dunno… this might not be your gig.” There’s one other role that I feel suited for, had I the chops. That’s Elwood P. Dowd from _Harvey_. Truth be told, I am even better suited for the title character, but he doesn’t have many lines. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/14 "2007-01-21T20:11:26Z")
> [@](#): > > That’s Elwood P. Dowd from Harvey. Truth be told, I am even better suited for the title character, but he doesn’t have many lines. What, you didn’t hear him? The acoustics in your theater must have been terrible. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2007, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/15 "2007-01-21T20:17:08Z")
I would be frighteningly good at being Col. Nathan Jessup in _A Few Good Men_ (and NOT as a cocktail party Nicholson imitator, either). Jessup reaches me in very deep places, both by his eloquent, educated arrogance and his incredible reserves of rage. ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2007, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-parts-youll-never-play/388791/16 "2007-01-22T19:42:10Z")
I’d love to play the lead in _Man of La Mancha_, and I have the voice for it (if I may flatter myself). My bodily proportions, however, are more in line with Sancho than Don Quixote. I’m tall, but built like a grizzly bear with one moose too many down his gullet. I’d also love to play Tevye, if the director doesn’t mind casting someone who could never mistaken for being on the brink of starvation. I have gotten to play one of my favorite roles, though it is usually given to the bouncy, skinny little twig – Koko in _The Mikado_. I was lucky enough in belonging to a theater company that didn’t give a rip about one’s physical build, so long as the voice was there…not that the role of Koko requires much of a voice.