# The passing of another Doper - danceswithcats **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 19, 2009, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983 "2009-08-19T19:15:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/101 "2009-08-20T02:11:45Z")
Shit. I am so shocked. damn Mental illness sucks. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/102 "2009-08-20T02:17:40Z")
Fair winds and following seas, Paul. ☹ He was a ‘salt of the earth’ kinda guy. We didn’t speak many times, but he had something interesting to say each time. ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/103 "2009-08-20T02:22:14Z")
Fuck. _Fuck_. I’m sorry, **Bibliocat**. My condolences to you and his daughter. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/104 "2009-08-20T02:22:37Z")
Ugh. That’s just horrible :(. My sincere condolences **Bibliocat** , he always seemed like a good guy even at my distance. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/105 "2009-08-20T02:27:06Z")
> [@BiblioCat](#): > > I just wish I could have done more to help him. When he broke up with me in June, I knew there was was more going on, but he refused all contact. From talking with his friend who informed of the news, it sounds like there were indications he’d been planning on doing this for some time. I know there was probably nothing I could do, but I can’t help but think what if… ? > We lived about an hour away from each other. I should have gotten in my car and just driven up there. Oh please don’t do that to yourself. It’s beautiful that you gave your love to him as much as you did - and what he couldn’t receive from you, you couldn’t make him accept. It’s a bigger problem than you could fix. ---
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/106 "2009-08-20T02:37:15Z")
I remember the first time I met Paul. It was when I was starting to organize the Philly DoperDinners. He was suppose to join us one week, but there was a change in venue at the last minute so while we were at Nodding Head, he was at Monks. After that, we decided to exchange phone numbers so there wouldn’t be a mix-up again. I think we ended up sitting at the bar before everyone else showed up and I was glad to begin a wonderful friendship. Paul helped me plan DoperDinners. After I drifted away from the Board, he made sure I knew about things going on. He gave me his daughter’s stroller when I found out I was pregnant with Teddy. He helped me get (and position) the moving van and helped with the packing of it when Verrain and I moved to Nashville. He took my call one afternoon after I first moved and I was feeling down because I was alone in a new city. Paul was one of the good ones, and someone I was glad to call friend. I wish he’d been able to get help for his demons. I wish he hadn’t taken the permanent way out from his problems. But I will never wish that I hadn’t known him. He enriched my life and I am one of the least lives that he had done so with. Good-bye, my friend. You are missed and will be every day. Bibliocat, my thoughts are with you right now. _hug_ ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/107 "2009-08-20T02:47:09Z")
It’s so sad to hear someone who was such a good and loved person had such darkness within that they couldn’t overcome. Farewell Paul. Condolences to all those who knew and loved him. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/108 "2009-08-20T02:52:19Z")
> [@TruePisces](#): > > Paul was one of the good ones, and someone I was glad to call friend. I wish he’d been able to get help for his demons. I wish he hadn’t taken the permanent way out from his problems. But I will never wish that I hadn’t known him. He enriched my life and I am one of the least lives that he had done so with. One must envy him that. When I go, if they even find out, most will ask, “Who” 🙂 I am morbidly curious; how did he do it? ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/109 "2009-08-20T03:08:36Z")
I’m sorry **BibloCat** , and my condolences to his family.☹ ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/110 "2009-08-20T03:13:36Z")
Damn. Most sorry to hear this. I don’t know what else to say. ---
**Author:** ![nd\_n8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/439d5e/32.png) [@nd\_n8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nd_n8)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/111 "2009-08-20T03:16:15Z")
I’m very sorry. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/112 "2009-08-20T03:19:52Z")
> [@BiblioCat](#): > > It is with a sad heart that I must tell you all of the passing of **danceswithcats**. Paul, a member here since 2002, took his own life in early July. ☹ > > \ > > Paul and I met at a Dopefest in 2005 and enjoyed a pleasant conversation. We exchanged a few friendly emails through the year, and when we met again the next year, as my marriage was falling apart, he…as he liked to put it, ‘saw his chance and swooped in.’ 🙂 > > He was the doting father of a young teenage daughter, who I am sure misses him terribly. > > \ > > As kind and loving as he was, I could tell he was battling some terrible inner demons. We talked a lot, and I had suggested he get some professional help, but he always declined. > > He broke things off with me abruptly in June, and refused all contact. > > I was only informed of his passing this afternoon by a friend of his from his firehouse. His funeral was small and private. > I’m not even sure what else to say. I think I’m still in shock. > [@BiblioCat](#): > > When he broke things off with me, I kept it out for a while, and then put it away. I just got it out again. > > I just wish I could have done more to help him. When he broke up with me in June, I knew there was was more going on, but he refused all contact. From talking with his friend who informed of the news, it sounds like there were indications he’d been planning on doing this for some time. I know there was probably nothing I could do, but I can’t help but think what if… ? > We lived about an hour away from each other. I should have gotten in my car and just driven up there. First, my deepest condolences. Second, I’m sure every person whose life he touched wonders what he or she could have done, but I urge you not to think that you could have prevented it. Unfortunately I have some experience with losing someone to suicide. I very seriously doubt that one thing pushed him over the edge: that kind of despair usually builds over years. You were probably one very bright spot in his life, but the darkness was too great. You weren’t the cause of it, and you couldn’t be the cure for it. Breaking things off with you seems like his way of protecting you, of not making you feel like something you had just said or done triggered his final act. If your situation is anything like mine, you could sit down with others who knew him and realize that he gave each of you a clue, one part of the puzzle, but not enough to realize what was going on. I believe there are people who “attempt” suicide and those who “commit” it. An attempt is a cry for help from a person who really would like to be saved, who still feels life might be fixable, who wants to get help and solve his problems. When a person commits it however, he has already made us his mind and he doesn’t want anybody to interfere. The little clues that make survivors look back and kick themselves come from the area on the continuum between the poles, between those who attempt and those who commit. Please be kind to yourself. {{{ **BiblioCat** }}} ---
**Author:** ![fierra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58956e/32.png) [@fierra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fierra)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/113 "2009-08-20T03:26:28Z")
I’m sorry. I remember him on the board. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/114 "2009-08-20T03:43:08Z")
I’m so sorry. ---
**Author:** ![JimOfAllTrades](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@JimOfAllTrades](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimOfAllTrades)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/115 "2009-08-20T03:44:03Z")
That is always horrible news. As other’s have said **BiblioCat** , don’t beat yourself over this. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do. My heart goes out to you and **danceswithcats** ’s family and friends, especially his daughter. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/116 "2009-08-20T03:47:51Z")
this is shocking news, a very familiar name gone. My condolences to you andn yours. I’m already feeling weird after the JLang/ G Thorogood concert tonight. SO many gray headed rockers rocking out with joy, made me feel so happy and alive and at the same time melancholy too… once we’re gone who will give a damn? ---
**Author:** ![Hunter\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/50afbb/32.png) [@Hunter\_Hawk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hunter_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/117 "2009-08-20T03:49:40Z")
Well, damn. Sorry to hear this; I always liked him as a poster. My condolences to you and to his family. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/118 "2009-08-20T03:51:01Z")
I’m very sorry to hear that, and sorry for you and others who knew him. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/119 "2009-08-20T03:53:03Z")
Damn it. This is the first passing of a Doper I actually cared about. I’m not sure what to say. I liked Paul. I respected Paul. I will miss him. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2009, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983/120 "2009-08-20T04:13:43Z")
> [@Scuba\_Ben](#): > > I think I was at the DopeFest where Biblio and Danceswithcats became close. I think I even brought the Kahlua that facilitated matters. Yes, you did. It was a Dope The Halls at **GingerOfTheNorth** and **Weird Dave’s** house, and you supplied the Kahlua that got the ball rolling, so to speak. He once joked that he owed you a bottle of Kahlua, since the two of us had polished off your bottle. No one else was drinking it. > [@](#): > > Labor Day weekend, would anybody be interested in a memorial service? Yes. I’d be interested. As we discussed privately, a road trip may be in order. > [@jayjay](#): > > I almost always enjoyed his posts. He was one of the best of “the opposition” around here, and I respected him for that, even when I disagreed with him. I know he butted heads with several posters here, but he was very passionate in his beliefs. Aren’t we all, though? > [@OpalCat](#): > > .. He took in not one but TWO of my cats when I could no longer care for them (due to fighting and spraying in relation to other cats in the house). **OpalCat** , the first time I went to his house, I asked him why there was a quarter on the back of the toilet tank. He told me about the time you brought your cats up there, and asked if you could use the bathroom. He jokingly asked if you had a quarter, and was surprised later when he went in there and realized you had actually left a quarter in the bathroom. It was still there the last time I was there. 🙂 I am amazed at the outpouring of good wishes and support I’ve received via email and PM. Thank you all. It really means a lot. My OP was a little disjointed and rambled a bit, but I guess I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m sorry about that. Paul made many good friends here that became real-life friends, among them \*\*MsRobyn \*\*and **Airman Doors** , **Scuba Ben** , \*\*GingerOfTheNorth \*\*and **WeirdDave** , **Anita Vacation** , **DaveW007** , **DocCathode** , \*\*Twickster \*\*and **RTFireFly**. I’m sure I’ve left someone out - I know he was quite active in the Philly Dopers group for a while. I’m not the only one who has lost a friend. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-passing-of-another-doper-danceswithcats/506983.md?page=7)