# The perfect Office Assistant **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 18, 2002, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605 "2002-07-18T13:38:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/1 "2002-07-18T13:38:49Z")
Microsoft Office has a help feature; cartoon characters called “the Office Assistant”. A dog, a cat, Albert Einstein. So I thought Bill Gates would be cool, but it probably doesn’t fall into his plans for World Domination. But what about Gates and Steve Jobs? They could tell you different things for your help request, and argue. “Click HERE.” “No, HERE!” “Press F6 for tabs.” “No, you idiot, CONTROL F6!” Then they could fight, and the winner give you the correct info. ---
**Author:** ![Humble\_Servant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/47e85d/32.png) [@Humble\_Servant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humble_Servant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/2 "2002-07-18T14:50:45Z")
I think a little monkey butler would make a nice office assistant. He could make coffee and run out to fedex. And type, of course. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/3 "2002-07-18T14:54:48Z")
Monkey Butter? Monkey butter? Are you dragging some kind of sick prverted sex stuff into my thred? ---
**Author:** ![Humble\_Servant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/47e85d/32.png) [@Humble\_Servant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humble_Servant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/4 "2002-07-18T15:01:14Z")
I don’t have to do my own heavy dragging any more. That’s my Assistant’s job. He does all of my speelchecking too. Ya want I should have him hang out in this thred for a bit? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/5 "2002-07-18T15:05:58Z")
You’re supposed to say “That’s Monkey BUTLER, dummy.” and I say “Oh.” “Never mind.” OK. Humor. It is a difficult concept. So, what does this monkey drag for you, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![Humble\_Servant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/47e85d/32.png) [@Humble\_Servant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humble_Servant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/6 "2002-07-18T15:33:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by carnivorousplant \* > \*\*So, what does this monkey drag for you, anyway? \*\* That’s Monkey BUTLER, dummy. No mere monkey is sufficient to satisfy my dragging needs. (It takes a solid 6 months of intense aversion training to attain the coveted buttle proficiency certificate.) He mostly drags office furniture–can’t let him near the swivel chairs, though. That’s a real bitch. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/7 "2002-07-18T15:48:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Humble Servant \* > \*\*-can’t let him near the swivel chairs, though. That’s a real bitch. \*\* Well, yes. Of course. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Humble\_Servant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/47e85d/32.png) [@Humble\_Servant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humble_Servant)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/8 "2002-07-19T14:32:33Z")
You see, if the Office Assistant sits in the swivel chair and spins around a lot he gets dizzy and then he files all the correspondence in the wrong folders and…and… yeah it’s lame. Humor. It is a difficult concept. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/9 "2002-07-19T14:38:09Z")
Well, he’s monkey, after all. I thought it had to do with scratching himself. ---
**Author:** ![crazy4chaucer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5e925/32.png) [@crazy4chaucer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazy4chaucer)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/10 "2002-07-19T20:47:49Z")
Now, see, I saw this thread title and thought it was about me. 😃 My boss would tell you that I am the perfect office assistant. Shall we send my photo to Microsoft? ---
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perfect-office-assistant/119605/11 "2002-07-20T02:25:59Z")
I vote for a pelican - their large beak would make a handy in-tray 🙂