# The perils of Internet dating sites and finding a match 2,000 miles away
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [March 23, 2014, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338 "2014-03-23T03:43:18Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@TaoPilot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TaoPilot)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/21 "2014-03-24T16:04:46Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#):
>
> I don’t know if the internet is the best way to find a partner but it’s definitely the best way to dump one.
No, it’s the _easiest_ way to dump a partner. That doesn’t necessarily make it the best.
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### Author:  [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/22 "2014-03-24T18:28:26Z")
Sounds like the OP has an online sexting buddy. Not much beyond that.
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### Author:  [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/23 "2014-03-24T19:59:35Z")
> [@Leaffan](#):
>
> So, now I find myself wondering what to do about all this.
If I’m reading this right and you haven’t even talked on the phone yet, I would say the first thing is to make sure she’s actually a woman.
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### Author:  [@nevadaexile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nevadaexile)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/24 "2014-03-24T20:09:54Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#):
>
> If I’m reading this right and you haven’t even talked on the phone yet, I would say the first thing is to make sure she’s actually a woman.
**This.**
That would be a **HUGE** red flag. If she hasn’t expressed an interest in continuing the discussion on the phone there are usually three reasons:
[ol]
[li]She’s involved with someone and she cannot get the free time necessary to have an extended phone conversation[/li][li]She isn’t a “she.”[/li][li]She is either much older than she claims to be or far younger and cannot disguise that fact if she does call you.[/li][/ol]
If she demurs at giving out her phone number, thenyou should probably let things cool off quickly.
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### Author:  [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/25 "2014-03-24T20:12:04Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#):
>
> If I’m reading this right and you haven’t even talked on the phone yet, I would say the first thing is to make sure she’s actually a woman.
Oh damn. Went back and read the OP. Yeah, way too early to even start a thread about it. Talk. Skype. Facetime. _Something_ other than texting please.
> [@](#):
>
> I have yet to speak with her but we have traded enough personal information that I know this is legitimate.
I would not put any money on that quite yet. If you haven’t even talked yet…you don’t see that gigantic red flag waving over there?
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### Author:  [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/26 "2014-03-24T20:59:18Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#):
>
> At least talk on the phone.
>
> My husband and I started a relationship while we were 2000 miles apart and now we both live where he started. Granted, I had a lot of flexibility given that I was ready for a change and had no reason to stay where I was other than inertia, but it can be done under some circumstances.
>
> But if you haven’t at least spoken on the phone, you are getting the other person much more filtered.
>
> Talk on the phone. Still sparky? Meet in person. The only thing you’re really risking (assuming no one is a psycho) is a broken heart. Big deal!
This, this, this. You must speak on the phone and, if all still seems good, you must meet in person. I’ve had several encounters like this. They sound good in the profile, clever and funny in emails and texts, and then you meet and an hour later are wondering what the hell you were so tuned up about. It’s not that they out and out lied to you about anything. It’s just that the pieces of who you thought they were didn’t quite line up like you imagined. Believe me, your imagination is filling in lots of blanks all on its own because we all love the idea of finding that one right person. And, hey, maybe she is the right one. But don’t commit to anything beyond conversation until you’ve talked on the phone and met face-to-face.
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### Author:  [@HipGnosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HipGnosis)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/27 "2014-03-24T21:25:27Z")
A month?? You have so much to learn, Grasshopper.
Why are you even talking to someone that far away? OkCupid has distance filters (though I don’t know what they call them).
I have a lady friend that was doing INTENSE on-line dating. She had profiles on every free site out there. And at least one pay site.
She has a file system to track who she’s talked with and what they’ve told her.
She somehow connected with a married guy in Scotland. His wife is an older invalid.
She loves him. They talk almost every night for at least a cpl hours (pretty sure by skype). She’s waiting for the wife to die.
She’s down to a cpl dating sites - looking for a FWB (though she rejects that term) to get her thru the waiting.
Even talking on the phone isn’t irrefutable. A friend of a friend connected with a guy on-line. They Emailed alot and called once in a while. He was far away but soon to be transferred. She talked to him for MONTHS. But when the transfer date came… he didn’t. I have no idea why someone would do that (I know she didn’t have much money to send to him).
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### Author:  [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/28 "2014-03-24T21:36:16Z")
> [@Taomist](#):
>
> … When kids are involved, its much harder to change things up…
Sure, kids are involved. _ **Now** _. They don’t stay kids forever, so it’s highly likely that this is only a temporary obstacle to the idea of uprooting and moving.
Pick a nice vacation spot halfway between your home cities and make a weekend of it. Get separate hotel rooms in case it doesn’t work out in person (and make sure yours has a king-size bed in case it does ;)) and see if you have chemistry in person.
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### Author:  [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)
#### Post date: [March 24, 2014, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/29 "2014-03-24T21:42:33Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#):
>
> Pick a nice vacation spot halfway between your home cities and make a weekend of it. Get separate hotel rooms in case it doesn’t work out in person (and make sure yours has a king-size bed in case it does ;)) and see if you have chemistry in person.
But maybe a phone call with her before you start surfing Travelocity.
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### Author:  [@Dorjan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorjan)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2014, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/30 "2014-03-25T19:32:03Z")
You haven’t talked to her on the phone or Skyped with her by now? Dude.
At this point in the relationship, it can only mean two things.
1. That’s a mannnn, baby.
2. Catfish. Those pics she showed you are not her.
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### Author:  [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2014, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/31 "2014-03-25T19:41:29Z")
> [@Dorjan](#):
>
> You haven’t talked to her on the phone or Skyped with her by now? Dude.
>
> At this point in the relationship, it can only mean two things.
>
> 1. That’s a mannnn, baby.
>
> 2. Catfish. Those pics she showed you are not her.
1. She’s planning on killing him and making a Leaffan suit.
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### Author:  [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2014, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/32 "2014-03-25T20:14:37Z")
> [@Dorjan](#):
>
> You haven’t talked to her on the phone or Skyped with her by now? Dude.
>
> At this point in the relationship, it can only mean two things.
>
> 1. That’s a mannnn, baby.
>
> 2. Catfish. Those pics she showed you are not her.
And if you think it’s hard putting _toothpaste_ back in the tube…
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### Author:  [@Alba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alba)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/33 "2014-03-26T11:09:57Z")
Leaffan, I think it’s wise if you share those text pics so we can assess, for you, if she’s the real deal.
But, yes echoing what the others are saying. Skype her with video (beware it’s also possible to fake that) and see if there’s a spark and then meet. Nice trip, good sex, what could go wrong? (Except for the things Loach said happened on his trip)
> [@](#):
>
> Originally Posted by Dorjän View Post
> You haven’t talked to her on the phone or Skyped with her by now? Dude.
>
> At this point in the relationship, it can only mean two things.
>
> 1. That’s a mannnn, baby.
>
> 2. Catfish. Those pics she showed you are not her.
> [@Loach](#):
>
> 1. She’s planning on killing him and making a Leaffan suit.
1. You have been chosen for a special Alien experiment to see if Aliens can trick mankind into submisssion by pretending they are women
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### Author:  [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/34 "2014-03-26T15:34:52Z")
Expecting an update any minute now.
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### Author:  [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/35 "2014-03-26T16:07:31Z")
OK. So, we talked on the phone yesterday and there is definitely a spark there, but we both decided, at this point, that the physical distance is too great.
Thanks for all the advice. She is who she she says she is. We shall continue to be friends.
Cheers.
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### Author:  [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/36 "2014-03-26T18:43:49Z")
> [@Leaffan](#):
>
> OK. So, we talked on the phone yesterday and there is definitely a spark there, but we both decided, at this point, that the physical distance is too great.
>
> Thanks for all the advice. She is who she she says she is. We shall continue to be friends.
>
> Cheers.
That heartily sucks! I’m sorry. Great maturity from both sides of the border, though.
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### Author:  [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/37 "2014-03-26T18:55:08Z")
> [@Leaffan](#):
>
> OK. So, we talked on the phone yesterday and there is definitely a spark there, but we both decided, at this point, that the physical distance is too great.
>
> Thanks for all the advice. She is who she she says she is. We shall continue to be friends.
>
> Cheers.
That’s very good.
I met a person on OKC. We hit it off famously! Due to a number of factors, we cannot move to the same place. End result? We are very good friends, which when you think about it, really is very good.
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### Author:  [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/38 "2014-03-26T20:25:22Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#):
>
> That heartily sucks! I’m sorry. Great maturity from both sides of the border, though.
Thanks. But we’re on the same side of the boarder.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/39 "2014-03-26T21:21:25Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#):
>
> Sure, kids are involved. _ **Now** _. They don’t stay kids forever, so it’s highly likely that this is only a temporary obstacle to the idea of uprooting and moving.
>
> Pick a nice vacation spot halfway between your home cities and make a weekend of it. Get separate hotel rooms in case it doesn’t work out in person (and make sure yours has a king-size bed in case it does ;)) and see if you have chemistry in person.
Good advice for the next time. 🙂
> [@Leaffan](#):
>
> OK. So, we talked on the phone yesterday and there is definitely a spark there, but we both decided, at this point, that the physical distance is too great.
>
> Thanks for all the advice. She is who she she says she is. We shall continue to be friends.
>
> Cheers.
Well, that’s too bad, but that’s the way it goes. Better now than when the scab is even harder to rip off.
Someone told me once to not date people that you wouldn’t (or couldn’t) marry, and that might be good advice here, too. Some things are just deal-breakers, no matter how much you want them not to be.
Chin up - you found what could potentially be a good partner once - I’m sure you can do it again, and closer to you next time. 🙂
---
### Author:  [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2014, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-perils-of-internet-dating-sites-and-finding-a-match-2-000-miles-away/684338/40 "2014-03-26T21:24:30Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#):
>
> Someone told me once to not date people that you wouldn’t (or couldn’t) marry, and that might be good advice here, too. Some things are just deal-breakers, no matter how much you want them not to be.
I think it’s okay to date knowing that you aren’t in a mental state to marry. But I agree you shouldn’t date someone who you wouldn’t marry if you were ready to marry. It leads to people getting too attached and then ignoring those dealbreakers that really shouldn’t be ignored.
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