# The Pessimist's Guide to the Reality of Life **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 16, 2004, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120 "2004-08-16T19:18:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/1 "2004-08-16T19:18:13Z")
Having reviewed my life, past and present, it has all become so clear to me. For all my efforts trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, I cannot escape the indignity of getting the shaft, time and time again. It’s become an all-too-familiar thread in my life. So, I give you the Eight Credos which I will honor in the hope that I eventually realize the futility of swimming against the tide. [ol] [li]You will get fucked over.[/li][li]You will not like it.[/li][li]Somehow it is your fault for letting it happen.[/li][li]Therefore, you are a loser.[/li][li]Bitching about it changes nothing.[/li][li]Blowing off steam does, however, give you a bit of vindication.[/li][li]Even if you learn something positive from the experience, there’s another one right around the corner.[/li][li]Repeat First Credo.[/li][/ol] And a big “Fuck you!” to everyone who has contributed to the First Credo. I hope you boil for all eternity in your own rancid piss, you hemmorhoidal fucktards. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/2 "2004-08-16T19:30:25Z")
You forgot: 9) Eventually, you die. 10) There is an afterlife. 11) God doesn’t like you (for whatever reason). 12) Things go downhill from there. Not to encourage chronic depression, but hi there, fellow pessimist. I’d offer you some companionable commisseration but with my lick, **Cinnamon Girl** , you’re a guy. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/3 "2004-08-16T19:31:28Z")
With my **luck** , dammit. I fucked _myself_ over. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/4 "2004-08-16T19:53:27Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > You forgot: > 9) Eventually, you die. > 10) There is an afterlife. > 11) God doesn’t like you (for whatever reason). > 12) Things go downhill from there. Very good. This goes far beyond the pessimist bumper sticker: _Life sucks. And then you die._ But I really don’t want to get into the possibility, though, that there _is_ no God and the joke’s on anyone who thinks there is. > [@](#): > > Not to encourage chronic depression, but hi there, fellow pessimist. I’d offer you some companionable commisseration but with my lick, **Cinnamon Girl** , you’re a guy. I humbly bow in admiration of the depths of your pessimism --not to mention your superior skill at ironic typos-- but you’re wrong. I am a girl! But, alas, I’m married. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/5 "2004-08-16T19:57:27Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > You forgot: > 9) Eventually, you die. > 10) There is an afterlife. > 11) God doesn’t like you (for whatever reason). > 12) Things go downhill from there. Very good. This goes far beyond the pessimist bumper sticker: _Life sucks. And then you die._ But I really don’t want to get into the possibility that there is no God and the joke’s on anyone who thinks there is. > [@](#): > > Not to encourage chronic depression, but hi there, fellow pessimist. I’d offer you some companionable commisseration but with my lick, **Cinnamon Girl** , you’re a guy. I humbly bow in admiration of the depths of your pessimism --not to mention your superior skill at composing ironic typos-- but you’re wrong. I am a girl! But, alas, I’m married. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2004, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/6 "2004-08-16T19:59:28Z")
Sheesh. The dreaded double-post. I was right, **begbert2**. We are losers. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Trigonal\_Planar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/0ea827/32.png) [@Trigonal\_Planar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trigonal_Planar)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/7 "2004-08-17T18:01:49Z")
Hello fellow pessimist! I would just like to add: 1. You WILL inherit bad genes. ---
**Author:** ![Hyperelastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Hyperelastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hyperelastic)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/8 "2004-08-17T18:07:59Z")
_Non illegitimi carborundum_ (Is that even real Latin?) ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/9 "2004-08-17T18:44:20Z")
Aw c’mon. Decaf ain’t \*THAT \* bad! I tried pessimism. Then life got good. Then I saw silver linings. Then I got bored. Then life got steadily not good for a long time. Then I realized that when life starts sucking you’re learning something new–getting another piece of armor, if you will. I began to understand that life’s curve balls were all learning experiences, opportunities to excell, things that give meaning to life. Then I got this job. Hiring freeze, no lateral transfers to garner experiene to support a bid for promotion. Same damned thing every day. No more surprises because I’ve seen it all. Idiot coworkers who, despite no job change in 3 years, still can’t do their job correctly. My performance is flagging as my attitude deteriorates…I’m soooooooo fucked. Shoulda seen this coming. Howzzit going,\*\* CG\*\*? Any chance I can get extra chocolate in that? It always helps. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/10 "2004-08-17T19:14:43Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > \…Then I got this job. Hiring freeze… \ I swear… when I read this, I thought I saw “ **Hiring _feces_** ”. And I thought “JeeEEEeez! This guy **DOES** have it bad!” ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/11 "2004-08-17T21:11:30Z")
I’m reminded of a drawing I saw: Guy is sitting on a park bench; on a tree branch over his head is a bird. The guy is looking up and saying, “Go ahead. Everybody else does.” Not only do bad things happen to me, but they happen to those around me. Shortly after a friend moved in with us to help take care of my wife she (the friend) was in an accident that resulted in back pain which is still being treated a year later. I was considered filing to have my house rezoned as a medical facility. ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/12 "2004-08-17T21:14:51Z")
> [@Cinnamon Girl](#): > > Having reviewed my life, past and present, it has all become so clear to me. For all my efforts trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, I cannot escape the indignity of getting the shaft, time and time again. It’s become an all-too-familiar thread in my life. > > So, I give you the Eight Credos which I will honor in the hope that I eventually realize the futility of swimming against the tide. > > [ol] > [li]You will get fucked over.[/li][li]You will not like it.[/li][li]Somehow it is your fault for letting it happen.[/li][li]Therefore, you are a loser.[/li][li]Bitching about it changes nothing.[/li][li]Blowing off steam does, however, give you a bit of vindication.[/li][li]Even if you learn something positive from the experience, there’s another one right around the corner.[/li][li]Repeat First Credo.[/li][/ol] > > And a big “Fuck you!” to everyone who has contributed to the First Credo. I hope you boil for all eternity in your own rancid piss, you hemmorhoidal fucktards. Believe it or not, you may be a Buddhist!! 😃 :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/13 "2004-08-17T21:20:03Z")
Yep, life sucks and then you die. One nice thing about being a pessimist, though, is that you’re never really disappointed. Plus, when something good happens, it’s so much better, because it wasn’t expected. ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2004, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/14 "2004-08-17T21:22:28Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > Then I realized that when life starts sucking you’re learning something new–getting another piece of armor, if you will. Once you get that new piece of armor, life decides to test just how good that armor really is. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/15 "2004-08-18T16:08:41Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > Then I got this job. Hiring freeze, no lateral transfers to garner experiene to support a bid for promotion. Same damned thing every day. No more surprises because I’ve seen it all. **Idiot coworkers who, despite no job change in 3 years, still can’t do their job correctly. My performance is flagging as my attitude deteriorates…I’m soooooooo fucked.** **Inigo** , you’re singing my song. I’ve been working so hard trying to raise standards and inspire some real pride in our store, but I’m only killing myself over it. At the same time, I’ve practically sacrified my own agenda to give 200%. I don’t even know if I’ll ever get the promotion I aiming for, but I sure don’t want to stay in this position – responsibility, but utterly unempowered. I’m beginning to wonder if I even want that promotion what with the nitwits I’m sure to be dealing with. I can see my previous goals just crumbling away. So now what? I’ve been seriously unhappy for a few months now. But this weekend, five of my co-workers collectively shit on me. I went through the five stages of grief the day after. Now, I’m avoiding the place like the plague (thankfully, I’m on vacation). I’m getting my coffee at another store. I know I’m going to have to deal with the fallout on this, but I’m not ready. I’m not even sure the best way to deal with it. I think I’m just going to see it through to the end of this particular mindfuck and get the hell out of that store. As much as I love the company, I may just look at other options. I’m just in misery. Thanks for commisserating. **Inigo** , crossing paths with you in these threads has been a constant source of pleasure. _hugs_ I do hope things start going better for both of us. BTW, can I borrow your sword? _insert evil grin smiley here_ ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/16 "2004-08-18T16:21:53Z")
> [@GrizzRich](#): > > I swear… when I read this, I thought I saw “ **Hiring _feces_** ”. > > And I thought “JeeEEEeez! This guy **DOES** have it bad!” Nope. That, apparently, is my boss’s job. There is a consensus around the here that some of co-workers are afflicted with shit-for-brains. > [@LurkMeister](#): > > I’m reminded of a drawing I saw: Guy is sitting on a park bench; on a tree branch over his head is a bird. The guy is looking up and saying, “Go ahead. Everybody else does.” I NEEEED that drawing! Sorry about your wife and friend. No doubt you’ve been a source of comfort to both of them at the very least for being the able-bodied among them. Medical facility, indeed! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/17 "2004-08-18T16:32:23Z")
Oh, come now, people. Life isn’t all that bad. Just think, in just 8 short months, you will have the inestimable pleasure of paying taxes! And it doesn’t end there, nosiree Bob! You get to pay them the year after. And the year after that. Again and again. Every year. 'Til you die. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Girl)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/18 "2004-08-18T16:36:12Z")
> [@ouryL](#): > > Believe it or not, you may be a Buddhist!! 😃 :eek: Hah! That’s so funny. Actually I was thinking perhaps I am the eclectic one I claim to be. The Pessimist’s Guide revised [ol] [li]Taoism: Shit happens.[/li][li]Carlinism: I don’t like this shit.[/li][li]Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us? [/li][li]Catholicism: You deserved this shit.[/li][li]Existentialism There is nothing except shit happening. [/li][li]Quakerism: Bless the happening of the shit.[/li][li]Calvinism: Shit is predestined to happen. [/li][li]Hare Krishnaism: Shit happens, shit happens, happens happens, shit shit shit. [/li][/ol] ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/19 "2004-08-18T20:30:32Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Yep, life sucks and then you die. > > One nice thing about being a pessimist, though, is that you’re never really disappointed. Plus, when something good happens, it’s so much better, because it wasn’t expected. This is simlar to my creed as a pessimist: “I’m either always right, or pleasantly surprised.” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2004, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120/20 "2004-08-18T21:27:03Z")
> [@Cinnamon Girl](#): > > But, alas, I’m married. 😛 Y’know, **begbert’s** next question should be, “is she happily married?” And if you are, then that confirms his pessimism but undermines yours; and if you’re not, that confirms your pessimism but undermines his. Any second now, the cat’s going to start spinning in mid-air. Daniel [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-pessimists-guide-to-the-reality-of-life/260120.md?page=2)