# The Poop Stories of Legend **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 21, 2009, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814 "2009-04-21T04:25:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/41 "2009-04-23T17:14:49Z")
> [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > it smells like I’m shitting with someone else’s ass. Quote of the day, Ladies and Gentlemen! I am so posting that on my cube wall! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/42 "2009-04-23T17:15:43Z")
A few years back I was working with a bunch of people, most of whom were quite young. (Overwhelmingly MIT and Harvard undergrads.) Someone brought a new person into the group, a woman who was probably 55 or 60. She was a bit overweight, wore far too much makeup (it looked like a mask), and was a bit overbearing and unpleasant. At the very moment she introduced herself, someone nearby let out the queen mother of stinky farts. I mean, this thing had teeth, legs, and a mailing address. Perhaps subconsciously, I attributed to the new woman, and thought “Great, she’s incontinent.” I will forever associate her with a poopy smell. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/43 "2009-04-23T17:20:06Z")
> [@brewha](#): > > Quote of the day, Ladies and Gentlemen! > I am so posting that on my cube wall! _takes a bow(el movement)_ ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/44 "2009-04-23T20:09:42Z")
> [@friedo](#): > > Given the fact that the bathrooms aboard Metro-North trains aren’t even particularly bad – they’re comfortably in the zone between 40-year-old cross-country Greyhound bus and small regional airliner – we can conclude that this dude’s story doesn’t even rise to the level of **poop emergency _poseur_**. I hadn’t realized there was such a thing. Someone I know tangentially refers to The Rumbling as a “duece emergency,” or shortened, DE. ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/45 "2009-04-23T21:21:31Z")
> [@ShermanAter](#): > > I give you “The Steakhouse Incident” > [http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html](http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html) Thank you for this. I read this a few years ago, and had forgotten where to find it. I also offer up an acronym I use frequently: CFWC (Cannot Fart with Confidence). Occurs when all available pre-poop gasses have been expelled, and the next “release” is gonna be a solid. ---
**Author:** ![Omniscient](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omniscient/32/3290_2.png) [@Omniscient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omniscient)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/46 "2009-04-23T21:42:37Z")
> [@labtrash](#): > > I also offer up an acronym I use frequently: CFWC (Cannot Fart with Confidence). Occurs when all available pre-poop gasses have been expelled, and the next “release” is gonna be a solid. And often, not solid… ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/47 "2009-04-23T21:56:36Z")
Is trouser chili a solid? ---
**Author:** ![Omniscient](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omniscient/32/3290_2.png) [@Omniscient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omniscient)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/48 "2009-04-23T22:29:28Z")
> [@Dr.Woo](#): > > Is trouser chili a solid? Beans or no beans? ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/49 "2009-04-23T22:37:11Z")
> [@labtrash](#): > > Thank you for this. I read this a few years ago, and had forgotten where to find it. > > I also offer up an acronym I use frequently: CFWC (Cannot Fart with Confidence). Occurs when all available pre-poop gasses have been expelled, and the next “release” is gonna be a solid. Amended to add “or liquid”. My apologies. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/50 "2009-04-23T22:51:32Z")
Awesome story! Reminds me of my honeymoon. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/51 "2009-04-23T23:28:42Z")
/is glad her honeymoon involved no Poop Emergencies ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/52 "2009-04-24T01:38:11Z")
A student once emailed to tell me that he’d “had diarrhea on the freeway.” I still don’t know if he had it in his car or out on the asphalt. I really don’t need to know, though. My dept. head once felt it necessary to say that he’d seen a diarrhea trail in the hallway that led into the men’s bathroom. Does college cause diarrhea or what? ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/53 "2009-04-24T02:09:31Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Does college cause diarrhea or what? You must not eat in the cafeteria a lot. ---
**Author:** ![QuercusMax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/8baadc/32.png) [@QuercusMax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuercusMax)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/54 "2009-04-24T02:17:12Z")
> [@ShermanAter](#): > > I give you “The Steakhouse Incident” > [http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html](http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html) That is one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever read, up there with some of Scylla’s. I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard. Thank you _so_ much for sharing that. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/55 "2009-04-24T03:02:55Z")
\ I love you guys. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/56 "2009-04-24T15:06:07Z")
I think college DOES cause diarrhea, because one of my two shart stories (which I posted in the “ever shit your pants?” thread) took place in college. I think I would die laughing if I had gotten that email. Sometimes less is more, people! ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2009, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/57 "2009-04-24T15:55:40Z")
> [@friedo](#): > > You must not eat in the cafeteria a lot. I don’t, actually. Good point. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/58 "2009-04-25T03:01:01Z")
> [@gonzomax](#): > > I toss in a corollary. Is that like a floater? ---
**Author:** ![hroark2112](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6a8cbe/32.png) [@hroark2112](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hroark2112)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/59 "2009-04-26T07:28:42Z")
I hate for my first post on a board to be in a thread like this, but it fits!! I have what I term as a “Selective bowel” or maybe even “Shy” at times. My bowel (or brain!) won’t even tell me I have to go unless I’m at home. If I’m out of town and in a hotel room by myself, it _might_ let me go by day 3. Maybe! If I go on a road trip out of state for a few days, and I’m sharing a hotel room, it’s not going to happen. Right around 10 miles into the state, I start to get a twinge that I’m going to have to go as soon as I get home. I share that part to tell this story. I was in the Navy after high school (yes, boot camp was TERRIBLE in this regard!) and was stationed on a submarine after completing my nuclear training. We were in the shipyard at first, so I had no problem. However, they eventually finished putting the boat back together, and sent us out to sea. That was when the real problem started. For the first few days, I was OK. My brain never even told me it was time to go, and we were so busy fixing everything the shipyard had done that it didn’t bother me. After a few days though, I started noticing some discomfort. Discomfort soon gave way to pain, and before long all the guys in my division knew of my dilemma. To say the least, I was not enjoying myself. I tried to go, but it wasn’t happening. After a week, I went to the ship’s doc & told him what was going on. He gave me a quick exam and then handed me 2 little reddish pills. He told me to take them with some water, and then to NOT go far from the bathroom. I knew I had about an hour or so worth of maintenance to do, and figured the pills wouldn’t kick in THAT quickly, right? So I went back to the engineroom (where there is no bathroom!) and started doing my work. If you’ve ever seen a decent movie about the Navy, you’ve seen a watertight door. You have to step up and through this hatch to get into the next compartment. It’s not like a regular door, the bottom of the door is about 18" high. To get from the compartment where the bathroom was to the engineroom where I was working, I had to go through 3 of these doors. 15 minutes after I get back there and start working, it hits me. I have to _go_. NOW! I put up my work, and went to head back to the forward part of the boat where the bathrooms were. When I got to the first watertight hatch, I encountered my first major problem. When I tried to lift my leg high enough to get through, I almost pooped myself. For some odd reason, I thought if I went through with the other leg first, that would be OK. Silly, right? Didn’t work! The only way I could get through was to grab hold of a pipe over top of the door and swing myself through. Carefully. The guys who knew about my problem were ever-so-helpful, cheering me on through the door and laughing as hard as they could. I made it through all 3 hatches and then to the forward part of the boat. By this time, I was pushing people out of my way, hoping that I would make it. Of course, the other problem is that when you’re on a submarine under water, you’re not wearing pants & a shirt, you’re wearing what we called a “poopy suit” (No, I am NOT making that up!!!). They were very comfortable coveralls, with a t-shirt underneath and boxers (or commando, thankfully how I was!). As I was running to the bathroom, I was wrestling myself out of the poopy suit, trying to prepare for my arrival in the stall. Thankfully, a stall was open. Those 2 little pills emptied out a week’s worth of greasy Navy food in roughly 15 minutes. The force at which this was all propelled from me made it completely irrelevant if there was TP or not, I just went straight to the shower to clean up. Worst poo experience of my life. (Oh, and probably as some kind of cosmic pay-back, I am now a plumbing contractor) ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814/60 "2009-04-26T15:00:14Z")
OK, Poopy suit is the best part of that story, hands down. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-poop-stories-of-legend/493814.md?page=4)