# The power of Ted Jesus COMMANDS YOU! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 5, 2004, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744 "2004-03-05T19:23:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/1 "2004-03-05T19:23:59Z")
Somebody on another MB posted a link to this. It’s a guy who calls himself “Ted Jesus Christ God” and he claims to be the second coming. He has a huge [list of commandments](http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_thetjcgcommandments.htm) that are comedy gold. There are too many to paste them all but here are a few of my favorites: > [@](#): > > Do not compete too much with the Creator. > > Do not make fun of God. > > Do not mock God. > > Do not jeer God It sounds like God is a retarded kid. Do not compete “too much” with him? I guess that means you can play some one-on-one basketball with him but just make sure you let him win. > [@](#): > > Do not torture. Physical Torture is only for THE ONE LIVING GOD and for any that HE delegates this to. For anybody else doing this then this is a sin. I’m glad we got that straight. > [@](#): > > Do not Mass Murder. > > Do not make a snuff film or video. > > Do not become a terrorist I think those are some rules we can all get behind. > [@](#): > > Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration. Another one I whole-heartedly endorse. > [@](#): > > If a Human then do not have sex with animals. I’m glad he left that loophole for animals. > [@](#): > > Do not if a women or female ride horses or riding animal straddling the horse or riding animal because this can and does make her have orgasms and multiple orgasms and is considered having sex with that animal. I’m not sure his description would discourage any females from wanting to ride a horse. > [@](#): > > Do not allow your hymen to be broken in unless you are married and this is from your husband using your husbands penis. > > Do not eat people. I love the randomness of this list. > [@](#): > > If getting a divorce the wife is NOT to get custody or fight for custody of the children if the husband wants custody. > > If in a marriage and a wife do not try to compete with or be above the husband. I’m sure the girls are all over this guy. > [@](#): > > Do not defecate on anybody for any reason or rub this on anybody for any reasons including for sex. It’s about time somebody put a stop to that. > [@](#): > > If a women or female do NOT be a women libber. Are there still “women’s libbers?” > [@](#): > > Do not strangle anybody while having sex. What about when you’re _not_ having sex? > [@](#): > > Do not threaten people unless these deserve to be threatened. Not much wiggle room there, is there? > [@](#): > > Do not for a women or female put inside of her sexual balls that cause here to have orgasms. > > \ > > Do not if a women or female straddle a motorcycle and ride a motorcycle or be given a ride because this is not proper and she can have orgasms from the vibrations. He really seems to hate the female orgasm but somehow I have a feeling he’s never actually witnessed one. > [@](#): > > Do not do anything Gay or Lesbian or Bi-sexual or Homosexual. Redundant much? > [@](#): > > Do not have sex with self. But what if I really love me? There is much, much more but I would like people to discover some of those gems on their own. I will just skip down to my favorite one. > [@](#): > > Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible. We now have the definitive word on farting. You should really read the whole list to get the full power and effect of the comedy. Oh, and since this is the Pit…fuckity fuckity fuck-tit. ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/2 "2004-03-05T19:31:00Z")
How about “Do not post hilarious threads that make me giggle uncontrollably during normal working hours?” This is the funniest thing I’ve read today. > [@](#): > > Do not compete too much with the Creator. > > Do not make fun of God. > > Do not mock God. > > Do not jeer God Do not taunt happy fun ball. ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/3 "2004-03-05T19:32:29Z")
Astoundingly pit worthy. :rolleyes: Especially with the pit language, all fuckity fuck and whatnot. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/4 "2004-03-05T19:34:14Z")
This guy must have the weeniest god ever if you need a commandment that says “Do not take advantage of God.” “If a TJCG Prophet then do NOT copyright or legally encumber or collect royalties or trademark or legally protect anything that you write or your works.” Dammit! ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/5 "2004-03-05T19:39:49Z")
I must be out of it today, I don’t really find any of those funny. \ ---
**Author:** ![troub](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troub/32/14802_2.png) [@troub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/troub)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/6 "2004-03-05T19:44:59Z")
“Do not sell cigarettes or cigars or anything that is smoked.” Oh no! Not even salmon, or ribs?!? ---
**Author:** ![Taran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Taran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taran)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/7 "2004-03-05T19:59:17Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not use DarkSide language. > [@](#): > > Do not ignore people in need … if somebody is hurt or injured or needs help you are to help them if you can if a LightSide Human. If a DarkSide Human you can ignore them or refuse to help them! > [@](#): > > Do not watch and listen to rock concerts. Almost ALL of this is from Evil. These are NOT LightSide Humans. These are DarkSide Humans. Satan or Devil and Demons possess the audience. Satan or Devil and Demons are pupating or Possessing the performers. > [@](#): > > Do not watch theater. The vast majority of this is from Evil. These performing are mostly DarkSide Humans. Them performing are mostly Possessed. Therefore you are getting entertained by Satan or Devil and Demons. 😕 > [@](#): > > Do not play chess. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/8 "2004-03-05T19:59:58Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > He really seems to hate the female orgasm but somehow I have a feeling he’s never actually witnessed one. I’d say that’s a safe assumption. If this is the Second Coming then I am so not impressed. ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/9 "2004-03-05T20:08:52Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not dilute God. I find that if I dilute God with a gallon of water, it does an excellent job of removing calcium and mildew stains from my shower. Guess I shouldn’t do that anymore. > [@](#): > > Do not take any **over the counter and prescription** and illegal Drugs also called Pharmaceuticals. These can and many do cause PERMANENT DAMAGE to vital organs. This is 100 to 1000 to 10K times more lethal for you than the eating of pork and unclean meats! Must be a Christian Scientist. > [@](#): > > Do not take the name of THE ONE LIVING GOD in vane. My ONE LIVING GOD vane indicates that the wind is blowing toward the Northeast. > [@](#): > > Do not have sex in a car or truck or SUV. I see he didn’t rule out conversion vans. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/10 "2004-03-05T20:15:44Z")
I love these ones: > [@](#): > > Do NOT allow your Genetics to be Altered or quote Fixed or Changed that is currently called Gene Therapy! This is a DRASTIC SIN! This will cause GENETIC DEFECTS that will be passed on to children and descendents and this will be 100 to 1000 to 10K and MORE LETHAL for you than the eating of pork or unclean meats! > [@](#): > > Do not drink or eat or put in your body or on your body anything that is Biotech. This includes NOT allowing anything put topically or in your nose or in your eyes or shots or put in veins or given through an IV or Intravenously anything that is Biotech. The things made from Biotech are ENORMOUS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Many things from Biotech can and will cause PERMANENT GENETIC DEFECTS that can be passed on to children and grandchildren and descendents. Biotech is 100 to 1000 to 10K and some MORE LETHAL for you than the eating of pork or unclean meats! Mocking aside, it is good to finally get word from above that is specific and speaks to the problems that I face every day. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Man_With_The_Golden_Gun)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/11 "2004-03-05T20:17:45Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not child molest. Child molest? Child molest? MOLEST CHILDREN, NUMB NUTS! > [@](#): > > Do not participate in demeaning. Huh? > [@](#): > > Do not pee on anybody for any reason including for sex. No Second Coming of Jesus would say the word “pee”. > [@](#): > > Do not live in wicked cities. Once again, huh? > [@](#): > > Do not become or be a dirty person. Considering I haven’t showered in two days, I can say this is one I’ve broke. > [@](#): > > Do not have sex with any man that is not circumcised. ??? > [@](#): > > Do not eat anything that is snake. What about badgers? > [@](#): > > Do not be dishonest. > > Do not lie. Okay. This page is full of shit and the webmaster is batshit insane. There, I was honest. Happy now? > [@](#): > > If a man do not shave your face. Keeping up with my as-recent awful hygiene habits, I can say this is another one I haven’t broke. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/12 "2004-03-05T20:21:52Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not verbalize God in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Christ in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Lord or anything similar in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Jesus in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone. Teddamnit! There are way to many Tedding commandments. How the Ted does he expect ordinary non-Teds to remember all that Ted. Aw, Ted it! ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/13 "2004-03-05T20:22:07Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration. What if he’s called Bob? Can I cut 'em off then? ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/14 "2004-03-05T20:24:42Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible. Wow, what are the odds? I broke this one the very second I read it! But only the “around people” part; it was SBD. Damn cranberry juice! ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/15 "2004-03-05T20:25:22Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not verbalize God in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Christ in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Lord or anything similar in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Jesus in a swearing tone. > > Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone. I know when I’ve hit my thumb with a hammer, I’ve often screamed _TED! TED-DAMNIT!_ at the top of my lungs. > [@](#): > > Do not get into the movie or television or entertainment industry. Ted’s looking out for our best interests, though. > [@](#): > > Do not hack. T3D 1s 1337, lolololololol > [@](#): > > Do not bite anybody too hard while having sex. You’ll leave teeth marks, and teeth marks are just not sexy. > [@](#): > > Do not give out for free illegal drugs. “You don’t have to spend your life addicted to smack, Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for crack.” ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/16 "2004-03-05T20:26:46Z")
And I see **JuanitaTech** beat me to “Teddamnit”… ☹ ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/17 "2004-03-05T20:36:38Z")
Don’t sweat it, Duke. As you can see, I’m so Tedding stupid I typed to when I should have typed too. Is there a commandment for syntax errors? How about one for typos? > [@](#): > > Do not wear a mini skirt or backless dresses or dresses that show cleavage or halter tops or thong bathing suites and thong underwear. Well, Ted. There goes half my wardrobe right there. What’s the use in having an sweet Tedding rack if I can’t show it off? ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/18 "2004-03-05T20:40:57Z")
> [@The Man With The Golden Gun](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Do not participate in demeaning. > > Huh? You know … “de meaning of the universe”. Duh! God _hates it_ when people pry around in his private parts, like his asteroids and Uranus. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/19 "2004-03-05T20:54:55Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not use stolen source code. Bill? > [@](#): > > Do not shave your public area. Gotchya ya. > [@](#): > > Do not eat anything that is pig that includes bacon and ham and sausage and pork and pigs feet. Thanks for the clarification. > [@](#): > > Do not video tape any sex act. > > Do not show private videos or recordings of you and somebody having sex to anybody that are not the consenting adults in this. > > Do not video record persons having sex without their consent. I see… > [@](#): > > Do not buy or have or decorate with Santa Clauses or Elves and Reindeer at Christmas time because these are a DISTRACTION from Evil. Yeah, you don’t want to be distracted from the Evil. > [@](#): > > Do not make bombs and have fun with them. How many times I gotta tell you kids that bomb is NOT A TOY! > [@](#): > > Do not buy sexy calendars and posters and magazines even if in bathing suits. What if I’m just wearing regular clothes? > [@](#): > > Do not drink any soda pops that have in the processed sugar. Yoda? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/20 "2004-03-05T20:55:20Z")
Oh, wow. this guy is a few disciples short of a Last Supper. Quote: Do not make hard core pornography. Do not sell or distribute hard core pornography. Do not look a hard core pornography. **So soft-core is ok then?** Do not Mickey anybodies drink. **Can I Goofy it instead?** Do not charge for sex and this requiring money or gifts or expensive things. **More proof this guy doesn’t date much.** Do not shave your head. \*\*Well, that’s it for me then. See you all in Hell. I’ll save you a seat by the fire. \*\* 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744.md?page=2)