# The power of Ted Jesus COMMANDS YOU! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 5, 2004, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744 "2004-03-05T19:23:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2004, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/41 "2004-03-05T23:37:11Z")
> [@Larry Mudd](#): > > God knows the “craaaaazy” panhandling routine is a well-established con. But does TED JESUS CHRIST GOD know? ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/42 "2004-03-06T00:53:24Z")
> [@Larry Mudd](#): > > Best [contact page](http://tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcg_email.htm) ever.You’d think that he’d go with “Theo” instead of “Ted,” though. > > I mean, if _my_ given name was Theodore, and I was cultivating a baroque psychosis and delusions of religious grandeur, I would shun the diminutive in favour of the literal _Theo_. Maybe elaborate it to _THEOne_ when I was feeling manic, or maybe _THEOdours_ (with oblique reference to Revelations 5.) > > “Ted”? No style. Theodorus is Greek for “God loving”, or something; an aptly name for this guy, I think, eh… never mind. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Igor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Vlad\_Igor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Igor)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/43 "2004-03-06T01:52:27Z")
If I didn’t know better, I’d swear this was written by Kurt Stocklmeir. But I don’t think he can write this well. Relatively speaking. Vlad/Igor ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/44 "2004-03-06T02:03:22Z")
Theodore is “God’s gift,” actually. _Theophilus_ is “Lover of god.” _Theocopulyssus_ is “Crazy fuck who thinks he’s God,” which is might be the right name for a fellow like “Ted.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/45 "2004-03-06T02:19:09Z")
> [@](#): > > a very well respected Silicon Valley and California and United States of America based Software Company When did California seceed? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/46 "2004-03-06T02:38:53Z")
So the Time Cube guy got religion! ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/47 "2004-03-06T02:51:35Z")
> [@Larry Mudd](#): > > _Theocopulyssus_ is “Crazy fuck who thinks he’s God,” which is might be the right name for a fellow like “Ted.” 😃 It’s also God’s favorite Bond film. ---
**Author:** ![Road\_Rash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a8b319/32.png) [@Road\_Rash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Road_Rash)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/48 "2004-03-06T03:24:25Z")
Quote: Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible. > [@Otto](#): > > Wow, what are the odds? I broke this one the very second I read it! But only the “around people” part; it was SBD. Damn cranberry juice! An addendum from the prophet Road Rash: Do not fart out loud or around people \* without first letting someone pull your finger\*. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/49 "2004-03-06T05:26:56Z")
> [@Larry Mudd](#): > > Theodore is “God’s gift,” actually. Yeah, that sort of disqualifies that as an apt name, doesn´t it? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/50 "2004-03-06T06:04:46Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > If this is the Second Coming then I am so not impressed. If this is the second coming, somewhere a woman must be riding something, and possibly without her husband using her husband’s penis. > [@](#): > > Do not make fun of God. Do not taunt Happy Fun God. ---
**Author:** ![Ultraviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/c77e96/32.png) [@Ultraviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ultraviolet)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/51 "2004-03-06T06:44:24Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > All-One! All-One! Don’t drink soap! Keep out of eye! Dilute! Dilute! OK! ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/52 "2004-03-06T06:59:38Z")
Heh! I’m currently working for my county tax bureau (tis the season, tra-la-la) and I come across some…interesting names. Today I happened to stumble upon Mr. Christ D. King. And it’s on his tax return, so he better not be joking, Son of God or not! ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/53 "2004-03-06T07:24:32Z")
Well, he convinced me… it doesn’t seem to be a joke site. His “[Prophesy](http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_prophecy.htm)” page is downright scarey in places. And not scarey accurate, it’s scarey insane. ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/54 "2004-03-06T07:24:40Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > What if he’s called Bob? Can I cut 'em off then? Well, no. You can bob them, but not cut them clear off! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/55 "2004-03-06T08:44:12Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not fail to love the ONE and only THE ONE LIVING GOD with some of your heart! You can still save _some_ of your heart for Jennifer Garner (or whoever). > [@](#): > > Do not participate in anything occult Since “occult” means “hidden” I guess hide and seek is out… > [@](#): > > Do not torture. Physical Torture is only for THE ONE LIVING GOD and for any that HE delegates this to. For anybody else doing this then this is a sin. God has more expertise (lots of practice), so only delegates this right to experts, like Saddam’s boys. > [@](#): > > Do not commit abortion unless this is for a very good medical reason. Nice to know that even TJCG allows for exceptions. Are ya listening, JWB? > [@](#): > > Do not poison somebody. But it’s okay to poison somebody _else_! > [@](#): > > Do not live in wicked cities. Give us some help here, TJCG. Which cities are wicked? > [@](#): > > Do not have sex with a close relative. Isn’t your mate a close relative? > [@](#): > > Do not sell any drug paraphernalia. Too bad Tommy Chong didn’t read this one a few months ago. > [@](#): > > Do not shave your public area. But your private area is okay. > [@](#): > > Do not pierce your body in strange places. Familiar places are all right, though. > [@](#): > > Do not touch any strippers in Stripper Clubs or Stripper Bars or Nude Clubs or Sex Clubs. You may, however, grope them in the parking lot. > [@](#): > > Do not STEAL from THE ONE LIVING GOD and not pay your Tithes FAITHFULLY that is 10% if not rich and if rich that is currently defined to be a net worth of 1 million dollars than 37%. Guess it’s cheaper _not_ to win the Lotto. ---
**Author:** ![CheekyMonkey613](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e480ec/32.png) [@CheekyMonkey613](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheekyMonkey613)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/56 "2004-03-06T12:53:30Z")
I don’t think this guy is scamming. He’s put in too much work for it to be a scam. And lots-of-work-scams are usually meticulous. This guy’s a french fry short of a McHappy Meal. In his [Prophecies](http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_prophecy.htm), please notice: > [@](#): > > 8 The Spiritual LightSide will use Weapons of Mass Destruction to Drop or Kill Satan and the Demons on World Earth. WMD? I thought President Bush was the one who came up with that term! Jesus is quoting Bush now? > [@](#): > > 13 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed sooner or later! Ok, he really means it (notice use of exclamtion point). I’ve never seen use of “sooner or later” in a prophecy, but what do I know? > [@](#): > > 17 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed. I think he means the time has come. Good thing. I was wondering when they would be dropped ~ you know ~ sooner _or_ later. > [@](#): > > 24 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed. So that’s if we didn’t get that #17 meant SOONER rather than LATER, right? Well, at least he gives us a chance to catch on. > [@](#): > > 28 Satan and the Demons have to be Dropped or Killed on World Earth and this expediently or sooner or later! Oh I GET IT! We have a choice! Do it quickly, more quickly, or later if I’m busy! Well … that was Chapter 1 and I’m already tired. I’ve bookmarked it for a later time. It’s hard to absorb all of this. But I am looking forward to Chapter 2. I skimmed it just to see what was in store for me. And I saw: > [@](#): > > 3 Satan is a complete DRAGON and acts like a DRAGON and is MEAN like a DRAGON! Not half a dragon, not almost a dragon. A COMPLETE dragon! And Satan is MEAN too! Well now, this is earth shattering. I’ll rest up and continue sooner or later. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/57 "2004-03-06T13:08:00Z")
Someone should sic a ninja on this guy. If he thinks dragons are bad, a ninja wigging out would make this guy shit his public area. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/58 "2004-03-06T14:59:38Z")
> [@vanilla](#): > > LOL! > He sounds almost Dobbsian. > > Do not go to theater? > THERE goes the Passion! Vanilla knoweth of the Power of Bob? Praise Dobbs! Btw, this Ted lets it be hereby known that I am not associated in any way with the False Ted discussed here. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/59 "2004-03-06T18:26:17Z")
> [@CheekyMonkey](#): > > > [@Ted Jesus Christ God](#): > > > > Do not live in wicked cities. > > Give us some help here, TJCG. Which cities are wicked? The ones that [humanoid demons are taking over](http://www.dvdreview.com/fullreviews/wicked_city.shtml), [duh!](http://www.urban-vision.com/titles/wickedcity/) ---
**Author:** ![Tinkertoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f19dbf/32.png) [@Tinkertoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tinkertoy)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2004, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744/60 "2004-03-06T19:15:05Z")
From his prophecies: > [@](#): > > 16 Satan and the Demons look like human men. Well that explains my ex-husband. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-power-of-ted-jesus-commands-you/232744.md?page=4)