# The "promise ring" and associated social mores **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [March 21, 2002, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321 "2002-03-21T10:45:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gozu\_Tashoya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7993a0/32.png) [@Gozu\_Tashoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu_Tashoya)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321/1 "2002-03-21T10:45:39Z")
“One ring, to bind your ass to me forever.” Okay, so a friend of mine got a promise ring from her “I’ll marry you as soon as I have enough money” boyfriend. Now what I’m wondering is, if their relationship doesn’t fall apart (which, given his lack of anger-management skills, is probably a long shot), and he _does_ propose to her, what the heck happens to the promise ring? Does it, in a most economical stroke, somehow _become_ the engagement ring? Does it keep the engagement ring company - in which case does she have _three_ rings after she gets married? Or does it just get locked away in a jewelry box somewhere, lonely and disgraced by something shinier, importanter, and expensiver? ---
**Author:** ![Popup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@Popup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Popup)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321/2 "2002-03-21T11:15:23Z")
I have never heard of these ‘promise rings’ before, so I suppose it’s an American phenomenon. So, what’s the difference between this so-called ‘promise ring’ and an engagement ring? To me they both seem to mean the same thing: “I want to marry you” Or am I missing something? Please enlighten me! ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321/3 "2002-03-21T12:22:52Z")
A promise ring is usually smaller and less expensive than an engagement ring, **Popup** – it’s more of a “planning to _become engaged_” ring than a "planning to be _married_ ring. It’s a pretty fine distinction, I admit. Promise rings are pretty much a high-school/college thing, BTW. I’ve never known a grown woman to recieve one. As for what happens to the promise ring when the engagement becomes official – I’ve seen it happen all three ways. My sister got a promise ring at age 16 from the boy she eventually married. They became officially engaged at age 17 and were married at Christmas vacation their senior year. Yes, she was pregnant. Anyway, they couldn’t afford a “real” engagement ring so the promise ring stood it as one. A few years later, her husband bought her a diamond solitaire as an anniversary present and the promise ring was switched to her right hand. Still later, in protest over diamond field civil rights issues, she stopped wearing diamonds and both rings were shifted to the jewelry box where they still reside. So, Terry’s promise ring has seen all three options in its 25 year history. In general, I think option number 2 (switching the ring to the right hand) is the most common. But I have known people other than Terry who use their promise rings as engagement rings and others who stopped wearing them altogether. Jess ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321/4 "2002-03-21T12:32:58Z")
BTW, **KKBattousai** , promise rings don’t have any official status in etiquette-land. According to etiquette, promise rings are treated just like any other gift of jewelry. So, to be strictly correct, if your friend and her boyfriend split up, she needs to return the ring – as she should return any expensive gift he 's given her. Jess ---
**Author:** ![Delta-9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3be4f8/32.png) [@Delta-9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Delta-9)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321/5 "2002-03-21T14:44:30Z")
My girl gave me a promise ring after we moved in together. We are hopelessly in love and committed to each other, but both of us have been married before and are in no hurry to get married again. So it’s like, “I promise to be with you forever, but I don’t want to jinx it by getting married.” I’m 40 and she’s 36, so it’s not just a college kid thing. I wear it on the middle finger of my left hand. “Dangerously close to being married,” as my friend puts it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![12hazel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/919ad9/32.png) [@12hazel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/12hazel)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2002, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321/6 "2002-03-21T17:56:52Z")
During the recent Valentine’s Day advertising frenzy, some jewelry stores in this area (Massachusetts) ran promise ring promotions - buy it now, and when you’re ready for the “real deal” engagement, ring, you can trade in the promise ring for some amount of credit toward that purchase. Sorry, I have no info. re: etiquette of keeping vs. returning if the relationship fails to progress… ---
**Author:** ![Gozu\_Tashoya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7993a0/32.png) [@Gozu\_Tashoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu_Tashoya)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2002, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-promise-ring-and-associated-social-mores/99321/7 "2002-03-23T23:35:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Delta-9 \* > \*\*I wear it on the middle finger of my left hand. “Dangerously close to being married,” as my friend puts it. 🙂 \*\* LOL, call me a cynic before my time (at the tender age of 23, I’m supposed to look forward to stuff like marriage, right?), but I find something quite amusing about this. 😉 And thanks, all, for clearing up this little issue for me.