# The quotable "Family Guy" **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 15, 2007, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589 "2007-11-15T21:07:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Wee\_Bairn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/90db22/32.png) [@Wee\_Bairn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wee_Bairn)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/41 "2007-11-16T17:13:32Z")
Simon: Nice effort Brad, but let’s remember our performance hierarchy: legitimate theatre, musical theatre, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/42 "2007-11-16T17:23:24Z")
At laser-eye surgery place - Obi-Wan’s ghost: “Use the force, Luke.” Luke (pointing at huge fancy machine): “Are you sure, 'cause I was just gonna. . .” Obi Wan: “Just use the force.” _Luke telekinetically stabs woman through her head with light saber_ Luke: “Are you happy?” Obi Wan: “I’ve never been happy.” ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/43 "2007-11-16T17:34:27Z")
[QUOTE=Unauthorized Cinnamon] Peter: Just don’t forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. . . . You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it. [/QUOTE] Lois: (while high and naked on the couch, talking to Stewie and Brian) He’s knockin’ on the back door! Should I let him in? Brian: Umm…what? Lois: Peter’s knockin’ on the back door! Should I let him in? I’m a-scared! ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/44 "2007-11-16T18:29:22Z")
Peter: I haven’t been this scared since I was ambushed by that pack of roving Tom Brokaws. Peter: This is gonna flop as bad as that musical we did of _Red Dawn_. [cut to Peter on stage, dressed in camouflage] Peter [warbling]: I’m a Wolverine, and my anger keeps me warm… a Wolverine, and you Commies best be warned… Brian’s ditsy girlfriend, on the phone: Brian, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’ve been wondering if I’m a Jew. Brian: Well, I don’t know. Are you Jewish? Girlfriend: No. Brian: Well, there you go. ---
**Author:** ![drm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e57/32.png) [@drm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drm)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/45 "2007-11-16T19:16:48Z")
Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker’s face on TV and she looks like a foot. –there are a lot of throwaway jokes regarding celebrities that are just downright mean. I absolutely love them. There is one about Liza Minnelli that I won’t bother two explain because half of it is visual, but that one is my favorite. “you love me now, mama” ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/46 "2007-11-16T19:33:13Z")
Doctor: Your lump was just a fatty corpuscle. Peter: How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom? ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/47 "2007-11-16T19:46:06Z")
Don’t forget the wonder that is Adam West - Doctor: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma. West: Oh My. Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that Toxic waste. What in God’s name were you trying to prove? West: I was trying to gain super powers. Doctor: Well that’s just silly. West: Silly yes … Idiotic … yes! West: I love this job more than I love taffy … and I’m a man who enjoys his taffy. West: We invited Reverend Jesse Jackson to open up our ceremonies with a prayer. Unfortunately he could not make it, so instead we have LaToya Jackson. LaToya Jackson: Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yea God! West: How very inappropriate, thank you. Or Stephen Hawking-guy: “You’re pathetic. Tell you wife she can come over later for some boom shaka laka laka, boom shaka laka laka, boom shaka laka laka, boom.” ---
**Author:** ![Qazzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/aeb1de/32.png) [@Qazzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qazzz)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/48 "2007-11-16T20:23:09Z")
Peter, after Lois points him to a newspaper article about a busload of children dying: “Lois, that’s just morbidly obese.” ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/49 "2007-11-16T20:31:36Z")
After mentally assuming “esoteric” to mean “delicious:” “Brian, _Who’s the Boss?_ is not a food.” ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/50 "2007-11-16T20:33:01Z")
[QUOTE=Qazzz] “Lois, that’s just morbidly obese.” [/QUOTE] I use this all the time whenever someone says something that’s morbid. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/51 "2007-11-16T21:40:14Z")
Peter is sitting on the doorstep, not having gotten Meg’s birthday party together yet. Brian: “You know Peter, if you’re going to pull a party out of your ass, you might want to stand up.” ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/52 "2007-11-16T21:43:47Z")
Lois, singing to Meg. “You are hmmhmm, going on hmmmmm, fellows will fall in line.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/53 "2007-11-16T22:22:07Z")
Lois: “He was really big and well-built, you know? Like a Marine! Omigod, to have a Marine inside you, well, there’s just nothing else like it.” Brian takes Meg to the prom, drinks too much, barfs and then shamefacedly begins lapping it up again. :eek: Always a dog, no matter how many guy things he does. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/54 "2007-11-16T22:27:22Z")
[QUOTE=Elendil’s Heir] Brian takes Meg to the prom, drinks too much, barfs and then shamefacedly begins lapping it up again. :eek: Always a dog, no matter how many guy things he does. [/QUOTE] If I recall, he asks her if she’s going to eat that first. He is a gentleman you know. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/55 "2007-11-16T23:00:05Z")
**Captain Kirk** : “Alright men, this is a dangerous mission. And it’s likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.” **Ensign Ricky** : “Aahh, crap.” ---
**Author:** ![HoboStew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f17d59/32.png) [@HoboStew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoboStew)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/56 "2007-11-16T23:13:11Z")
Peter: I’m gonna go microwave a bagel & have sex with it! Quagmire: Butter’s in the fridge! Peter: I can’t go out drinking tonight, I think I have a problem with alcohol. Eeeh I’m just kidding. Lets drink until we can’t feel feelings. Brian\: I’m a pompous little anti-christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/57 "2007-11-16T23:21:26Z")
Stewie (enters living room in diaper): “I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing in my own feces?” _clap clap_ “Some service here!” ---
**Author:** ![Euthanasiast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Euthanasiast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euthanasiast)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2007, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/58 "2007-11-16T23:50:36Z")
Lois: “Peter, what did I ask you not to do last night?” Peter: “Drink at the stag party.” Lois: “And what did you do last night?” Peter: “Drank at the sta–uhh! uhh! You almost got me!” Peter: “By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I’m not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint–it wasn’t on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.” “Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you may as well pack it in. Game over.” Chris: “Dad, what would you say if I told I didn’t want to be in the Scouts?” Peter: “I’d say, ‘Come again?’ and I’d laugh as I said, ‘Come.’” Lois: “I just wish my opinion mattered to you.” Peter: “Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that’s the greatest gift of all.” Lois and Peter at a high school football game supporting Meg as a flag girl. Lois: “Oh Peter look, isn’t she beautiful?” Peter: “Yeah, but I think she’s seeing someone. She’s sitting next to that Philipino guy.” Lois:“Peter, I’m talking about your daughter!” Peter: “Oh… yeah… Yeah, she’s hot.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2007, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/59 "2007-11-17T05:10:22Z")
Brian surprises Stewie in the bathroom, shaving himself. Stewie: “Brian! Oh… uh… do you think you might… oh, this is awkward…” Brian [laughing in disbelief]: “Holy freaking God!” Stewie: “So… do you think you might… maybe… shave my… coinpurse?” Brian: “Hahahahaha hahahaha hahahaha… no.” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2007, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589/60 "2007-11-17T07:26:04Z")
Dr. Diddy: Lemme explain somethin’ to ya’all. We need to get Meg half-nekkid and centre-stage, and that’s gonna make us all billonaires. 'Cuz there’s nothing America loves more than hot white jail-bait ass. Peter: That’s the smartest thing anyone’s ever said about anyone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-family-guy/426589.md?page=4)