# The Quotable Mr. Burns **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 7, 2007, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567 "2007-11-07T18:07:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jayrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Jayrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayrot)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/1 "2007-11-07T18:07:36Z")
Possibly my favorite Simpsons character. Some of the most quotable lines come from him, IMO. Here are a couple of my favorites From **Homer the Smithers** “Hear that? The percolations are imminent. No need to come in. Uh… cease your ingress!” “No! I thought, uh, I thought I’d chauffeur myself this evening. Yes, that’s what I thought. How difficult could it be? I’m sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix, hmm?” From **C.E.D’oh** “Seems the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon as a shark, a shark with a gun for a mouth. Touche.” What are yours? ---
**Author:** ![fiddlesticks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiddlesticks/32/18129_2.png) [@fiddlesticks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fiddlesticks)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/2 "2007-11-07T18:13:22Z")
From **Deep Space Homer** “Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/3 "2007-11-07T18:15:04Z")
“Simpson, put my hand on her knee. I said my. And I said knee.” ---
**Author:** ![Gordon\_Urquhart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@Gordon\_Urquhart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gordon_Urquhart)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/4 "2007-11-07T18:15:34Z")
From **Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part 1** : “Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.” I pull that one out every once in a while and just laugh, laugh, laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/5 "2007-11-07T18:21:49Z")
From **Two Cars In Every Garage, Three Eyes On Every Fish** : “This slackjawed family of Troglodytes costs me the election, yet if I were to have them killed, I"D be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you Smithers!” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/6 "2007-11-07T18:22:22Z")
From A STAR IS BURNS (when Burns wants his own Schindler’s List style movie bio) ## Señor Spielberg: "Schindler es muy bueno. Burns es el Diablo. Burns: “Me and Schindler are like peas in a pod! We’re both factory owners; we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked dammit!” I don’t remember the episode, but the episode where he discovers the joys of _iced cream_. “Young man! I need to send this missive to the Prussian consulate in Siam - post haste! Am I too late for the afternoon auto-gyro?” ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/7 "2007-11-07T18:23:14Z")
“Yes, you’re in deep d’oh now…” Use it all the time. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/8 "2007-11-07T18:25:35Z")
From the one with Homer’s mother: “I’d like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?” ETA: Hey - Sampiro’s post didn’t include that when I started this post! Damn editing! ---
**Author:** ![Jayrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Jayrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayrot)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/9 "2007-11-07T18:27:28Z")
From **The Old Man and The Lisa** “Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say, hard cheese.” ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/10 "2007-11-07T18:36:11Z")
Hello. Smithers. You’re. Quite good. At. Turning. Me. On. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/11 "2007-11-07T18:42:21Z")
“A show about a _doll_? Why not do a musical about the common house cat or the king of Siam?” ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/12 "2007-11-07T18:44:16Z")
I don’t like being outdoors Smithers, for one thing, there’s too many fat children. ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/13 "2007-11-07T18:46:26Z")
“Smithers, use the amnesia ray.” “You mean the revolver, sir?” “Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you’re finished.” ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/14 "2007-11-07T18:52:28Z")
“Is it about my cube?” ---
**Author:** ![h.sapiens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e0b2c6/32.png) [@h.sapiens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h.sapiens)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/15 "2007-11-07T18:53:04Z")
“Let the fools have their tartare sauce.” “There’s a _New_ Mexico?” ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/16 "2007-11-07T18:54:09Z")
I love the one where we see a flashback from Burn’s childhood where he’s at a carnival and repeatedly ramming a bumper car into an irish guy who worked there. After remaniscing about this, Burns breaks out laughing…and laughing…and days go by, where it shows Burns doing his daily routine, but still laughing. Finally he stops and says “Wait, what was I laughing about? …ah yes! That crippled irishman!” and resumes laughing. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/17 "2007-11-07T18:59:25Z")
Filling out a questionnaire: “Cause of parents’ death? _Got in my way_.” ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/18 "2007-11-07T19:03:45Z")
Burns: [recoils in mock horror] Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I’m so scared! Oooh, the Germans! [hiding behind Smithers] Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me! ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/19 "2007-11-07T19:09:06Z")
[QUOTE=Marley23] Filling out a questionnaire: “Cause of parents’ death? _Got in my way_.” [/QUOTE] Same scene, right before that: “Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, two. Damned Roosevelt.” Oh! I just remembered my favorite ever. When Mr. Burns is leading the calisthenics for the plant workers and says “Push out the jive, bring in the love”. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2007, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567/20 "2007-11-07T19:10:28Z")
From **The Simpsons Movie** : Smithers… I don’t believe in suicide, but if you’d like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch. From **Marge vs the Monorail** : My name is…Mister Snrub. And I say, we should put that money back into the power plant! (Smithers: Hey, everybody, Mister Snrub has a great idea!) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-quotable-mr-burns/425567.md?page=2)