# The Really Bad Advice thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 9, 2004, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334 "2004-05-09T20:55:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/61 "2004-05-11T13:45:02Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > My mother-in-law’s breath smells like nutrea colon. What’s a polite way to let her know? Just tell her - preferably at a family dinner, where you’ll have some back-up. You can also give her a gift-wrapped bottle of Listerine from all the family. I would suggest, though, that you stop kissing her passionately at every meeting - it won’t seem so bad if you’re not up close and personal. ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/62 "2004-05-11T14:04:11Z")
> [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > And my question: > > Where should I go on my Honeymoon? Your thoughtful President has set up a really luxurious honeymoon resort at Guantanamo bay. Book in advance, so that you can share a cage. Or, if you want some excitement, I suggest tou go to Iraq. Bring lots of clothes with the American flag pattern, so that the natives know you are american. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/63 "2004-05-11T14:35:58Z")
> [@](#): > > I want to earn some extra money. Any advice on the best way to do that? Renting yourself out as a gay prostitute for some butt lovin’ for men whose wives are too tired after a long work day to have sex with their husbands Pays pretty good money from what I hear, better if you dress up in garters, open crotch panties, bustier and flamboyant wigs. I have a mole infestation in my yard. What should I do? ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/64 "2004-05-11T14:36:00Z")
> [@MrFantsyPants](#): > > I’m fresh out of lebanese sausage, but that is what the recipe calls for. What can I substitute? Fortunately, Lesbian sausage is (phonetically, at least), a perfect substitute. Remember to marinade the sausage in toluene for at least two hours, as Lesbian sausage is made from silicone rubber, and will be tough if cooked straight from the package. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/65 "2004-05-11T14:38:50Z")
> [@](#): > > I’m fresh out of lebanese sausage, but that is what the recipe calls for. What can I substitute? Freshly cut penises off should suffice in a pinch, but the capturing and restraining of homosapien male is rather strenous. Ball Park Franks can be used with no noticeable difference. ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/66 "2004-05-11T14:42:16Z")
> [@](#): > > I have a mole infestation in my yard. What should I do? Consult a landscape dermatologist to determine whether any of the moles are cancerous. If not, don’t worry about them – they’re your back yard’s “beauty marks.” Question: I have a cowoeker who is always popping into my cubicle to share “funny” stuff from her favorite web site. What can I do to discourage her? ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/67 "2004-05-11T15:30:37Z")
> [@Nametag](#): > > Question: I have a cowoeker who is always popping into my cubicle to share “funny” stuff from her favorite web site. What can I do to discourage her? Nothing discourages this behaviour better than reciprocation. Go ahead and pop into her cubicle to share funny stuff from any of the following websites: [freaky.com](http://freaky.com) [deadcelebphotos.com](http://deadcelebphotos.com) > **[MyLovelyHorse.com is for sale | HugeDomains](https://www.hugedomains.com/domain_profile.cfm?d=mylovelyhorse&e=com)** > > Choosing the right domain name can be overwhelming. Our personalized customer service helps you get a great domain. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/68 "2004-05-11T16:49:12Z")
Question: A friend of mine and his wife just had twins. What can I do to be supportive while they have newborns? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/69 "2004-05-11T17:11:04Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > Question: A friend of mine and his wife just had twins. What can I do to be supportive while they have newborns? Your friends are probably under a lot of stress right now. As always, humor is the best remedy. I’ve always found dead baby jokes to be the funniest. Try those. Question: My upstairs neighbor is really noisy, like she’s a tapdancing elephant. How do I get her to be quiet? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/70 "2004-05-11T17:40:45Z")
> [@](#): > > Question: My upstairs neighbor is really noisy, like she’s a tapdancing elephant. How do I get her to be quiet? When she is not at home, break into her place and place hidden video cameras throughout the apartment. Then broadcast it across the web to help her get the job she was born to do: an extra in Showgirls! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/71 "2004-05-11T17:44:17Z")
What is the best way to treat hemerroids? ---
**Author:** ![verbenabeast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c4cdca/32.png) [@verbenabeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/verbenabeast)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/72 "2004-05-11T17:54:10Z")
> [@](#): > > _originally posted by:_ \*\*Shirley Ujest \*\* > What is the best way to treat hemerroids? Turpentine. There is no substitute. how do I get these pesky wine stains out of my white shag carpet? ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/73 "2004-05-11T19:11:56Z")
> [@verbenabeast](#): > > Turpentine. There is no substitute. > > how do I get these pesky wine stains out of my white shag carpet? Place dead babies atop them, which will conceal them. Heck, place dead babies somewhere _else_ nearby, which will certainly draw attention away from them. Question: I’m collecting dozens, bordering on hundreds, of coke cans and decoratively stacking them around my office. What should I do with them when I’m done? ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/74 "2004-05-11T19:18:33Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > Question: I’m collecting dozens, bordering on hundreds, of coke cans and decoratively stacking them around my office. What should I do with them when I’m done? There’s no telling when you’ll be done, exactly, but this kind of obsessive behavior will most likely continue until you are dead. In which case, arrange to have all the cans buried with you. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/75 "2004-05-11T19:36:46Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > Question: I’m collecting dozens, bordering on hundreds, of coke cans and decoratively stacking them around my office. What should I do with them when I’m done? Build a fort out of them, complete with a “No Cow-Orkers” sign, that way none of your cow-orkers can disturb you in your “happy place” soda cans also make great insulation, as long as they’re filled with asbestos, or flatten them out and use them to make a suit of “plate mail” armor ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/76 "2004-05-11T19:48:09Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > Question: I’m collecting dozens, bordering on hundreds, of coke cans and decoratively stacking them around my office. What should I do with them when I’m done? Not to worry. When your boss sees what you’re doing, you’ll be done sooner than you think. Question: I love barbeque sauce. I’m addicted. I put it on everything I eat. But now my wife is complaining about being sticky, and she’s starting to attract bees. So, in your opinion, should I invest in fixed or variable rate bonds? ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/77 "2004-05-11T19:48:13Z")
Question: I have never tried alcohol before and I am turning legal drinking age tomorrow. What is the first alocoholic drink I should take, and what is the optimal amount? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/78 "2004-05-11T19:58:51Z")
> [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > Question: I have never tried alcohol before and I am turning legal drinking age tomorrow. What is the first alocoholic drink I should take, and what is the optimal amount? I wouldn’t worry about it. The human body has a way of expelling excess aolcohol, one way or the other. So drink up! Also, if you feel you want more, you can always drive to the store again. But if it’s close to closing time, you might want to drive really fast. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/79 "2004-05-11T20:20:12Z")
> [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > Question: I have never tried alcohol before and I am turning legal drinking age tomorrow. What is the first alocoholic drink I should take, and what is the optimal amount? Only you can answer that question for yourself. I am told by reliable sources, however, that the _best_ way to figure this out is to drink as much and as many different types of alcohol (including rubbing alcohol, wood alcohol and ethyl alcohol) in as short a time span as you can. You can make this discovery even easier by, say, doing ten shots, then driving to the next bar/package store. To truly enhance your experience, remember that all avant garde experiments, such as this one, need to function as independent of reality as possible, which means that for the good of the people you should disregard all traffic, pedestrian and other activity. Let us know how it goes! For my part, I’m wondering about the most surefire way to get elected into public office in this here rural area of the south. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/80 "2004-05-11T23:57:40Z")
> [@iampunha](#): > > For my part, I’m wondering about the most surefire way to get elected into public office in this here rural area of the south. You need to make a lasting impact; make every effort to arrange an opportunity to expose your genitals on live national television. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334.md?page=5)