# The Really Bad Advice thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 9, 2004, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334 "2004-05-09T20:55:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/81 "2004-05-12T00:19:39Z")
[QUOTE=Shirley Ujest] > [@](#): > > I have a mole infestation in my yard. What should I do? Phone BUPA - they’re running an ad. on TV at the moment where a guy phones them about a really annoying mole, and he gets an appointment almost straight away to get it removed. > [@](#): > > Question: I have never tried alcohol before and I am turning legal drinking age tomorrow. What is the first alocoholic drink I should take, and what is the optimal amount? When this happened to me I was at an all-night party and I took a dare to drink a half-bottle of martini all at one go. I can really recommend this as a first drinking experience - I spent the rest of the night lying on the bathroom floor puking into the sunken bath. > [@](#): > > Question: I love barbeque sauce. I’m addicted. I put it on everything I eat. But now my wife is complaining about being sticky, and she’s starting to attract bees. So, in your opinion, should I invest in fixed or variable rate bonds? Doesn’t really matter which - they both perform well with barbeque sauce - or you could put them on your wife’s sticky bits to keep the bees off. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/82 "2004-05-12T01:12:09Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > What is the best way to treat hemerroids? Turpentine is good if you have time for it to take effect, but if you’re in a hurry, a good belt sander can take care of the problem in a couple minutes. ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/83 "2004-05-12T01:43:16Z")
> [@verbenabeast](#): > > how do I get these pesky wine stains out of my white shag carpet? Bleach, washing soda and a scrubbing brush. Why bother, though? Wouldn’t it be much easier to buy a large dark red rug to cover the stain with - it would camoflage any future spillage, as well. How do I get rid of a stiff neck - probably caused by sitting for too long at the computer? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/84 "2004-05-12T02:59:34Z")
I recommend a massive dose of morphine injected directly into the carotid artery. If morphone is unavailable, have a friend punch small holes into your temples with an ice pick or hammer and chisel. Duct tape over the holes will prevent infection. How do I convince my boss that I deserve a substantial raise? ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/85 "2004-05-12T04:46:22Z")
> [@Boyo Jim](#): > > How do I convince my boss that I deserve a substantial raise? Show him you’re an Alpha Male: sleep with his wife. I just won the lottery. What should I do with all the money? ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/86 "2004-05-12T04:52:50Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > I just won the lottery. What should I do with all the money? Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Invest in some. How should I get rid of this ingrown hair on my scrotum? ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/87 "2004-05-12T05:11:32Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Question: My upstairs neighbor is really noisy, like she’s a tapdancing elephant. How do I get her to be quiet? What’s the only way to get rid of a tapdancing elephant? Elephant gun. Good luck on your endeavor. ---
**Author:** ![BonoVox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@BonoVox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BonoVox)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/88 "2004-05-12T05:13:21Z")
> [@Tentacle Monster](#): > > Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Invest in some. > > How should I get rid of this ingrown hair on my scrotum? Soak it in Alcohol, then to be sure you can locate it, burn the other hairs off. Once that task is accomplished scrape away at it with a razor. To insure that you don’t get an infection, soak and burn yet again. What should I do with this moldy cheese? ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/89 "2004-05-12T05:19:29Z")
> [@BonoVox](#): > > Soak it in Alcohol, then to be sure you can locate it, burn the other hairs off. Once that task is accomplished scrape away at it with a razor. To insure that you don’t get an infection, soak and burn yet again. No, no. Much too dangerous. What you need to do is remove the offending scrotum from your body so you yourself (no other person will suffice, I think) can examine it from all angles, unimpeded. Anaesthesia will only cloud your judgment and vision, so be sure you’re as sober and mentally unobstructed as possible. Take a pair of garden shears and just clip the entire sac off, testicles and all (you’ll thank me later). Then find the hair and cut the skin patch off. Sew your sac back on (you might need to be more careful re-attaching your more delicate plumbing, but if all else fails just use some duct tape) and make sure you give your nuts a few good hard squeezes each to make sure they’re properly re-attached. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/90 "2004-05-12T13:07:07Z")
> [@BonoVox](#): > > What should I do with this moldy cheese? Got some moldy ham? Moldy bread? Question: There’s no such thing as the Toth Fairy. WTF? ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/91 "2004-05-12T13:20:08Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Question: There’s no such thing as the Toth Fairy. WTF? There are several Toth fairies [here](http://www.toth.org.uk/) . I don;t know who told you there’s no such thing. Do not speak to them ever again. My question: what’s a good hangover remedy? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/92 "2004-05-12T14:47:11Z")
> [@Tentacle Monster](#): > > How should I get rid of this ingrown hair on my scrotum? A little gentle work with fine tweezers should do it, but the big problem is that you can’t get close enough to see properly what you are doing; cut off your entire scrotum (being careful not to spill the contents), remove the offending hair, then reattach it with superglue. What should I buy my mother for her birthday? ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/93 "2004-05-12T14:52:18Z")
> [@Boyo Jim](#): > > How do I convince my boss that I deserve a substantial raise? Put a gun to his head, lead him to the safe, and ask him to pay you your dues. > [@](#): > > I just won the lottery. What should I do with all the money? Send it to me - you’ll only squander it on your own!! I’ll invest it for you [for a fee] and we can both be rich ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/94 "2004-05-12T15:24:32Z")
> [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > My question: what’s a good hangover remedy? Chili dogs and loud TV commercials. Question: My feet don’t smell good. What’s up with that? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/95 "2004-05-12T15:26:32Z")
> [@Boyo Jim](#): > > How do I convince my boss that I deserve a substantial raise? Barge into his office and shout “Hey loser, you suck! I demand that you give me what I righfully deserve!” He’ll probably cut you check right then and there. ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/96 "2004-05-12T15:31:46Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Question: My upstairs neighbor is really noisy, like she’s a tapdancing elephant. How do I get her to be quiet? Old scottish proverb - If thy neighbour offend thee, give each of her children bagpipes. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/97 "2004-05-12T16:12:49Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Question: My feet don’t smell good. What’s up with that? Soap is bad for your feet. Stop washing them! Also, at every opportunity, stick your bare feet in any or all of the following: Dumpsters behind restaurants Stuffed up toilets Sewage treatment pools Soon you won’t be able to smell your feet at all! My question: After eating barbecued ribs, I always have these annoying shreds of meat stuck between my teeth. What should I do to get rid of them? ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/98 "2004-05-12T16:37:25Z")
> [@Rufus Xavier](#): > > My question: After eating barbecued ribs, I always have these annoying shreds of meat stuck between my teeth. What should I do to get rid of them? Remove all of your teeth. You can get this done at a dentists, or you can go into a pub down at the docks and shout “Yer all a shower of fucken pansies - come outside an’ I’ll whip yer asses” - that should guarantee tooth removal. On the other hand, you could keep a pet mouse or gerbil in your mouth to eat the shreds of meat. Just be careful when you swallow. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/99 "2004-05-12T17:00:54Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > What should I buy my mother for her birthday? This, of course, depends on how old she is going to be. Follow the simple guide below: Mother, age 30-40: a nice new vacuum cleaner Mother, age 41-50: a nice new sex toy Mother, age 51-60: a nice new ceiling fan Mother, age 61-70: a nice new box of Depends Mother, age 71-80: a nice new room at a faraway ‘retirement community’ Mother, age 81+: nothing. She won;t remember what you gave her anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2004, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334/100 "2004-05-12T17:15:25Z")
> [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](#): > > How do I get rid of a stiff neck - probably caused by sitting for too long at the computer? Stiff neck syndrome is generally caused by stiff bones. You can loosen those bones by diving headfirst into an swimming pool that has no water in it. All better! My question: what should I do if a wasp gets in my car while I’m driving? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-bad-advice-thread/244334.md?page=6)