# The really, really, REALLY bad advice thread. **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [July 13, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548 "2010-07-13T16:36:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/1 "2010-07-13T16:36:57Z")
Poster A posts a hypothetical and perhaps stupid problem. Poster B replies with advice so ill-thought and reckless that, if Poster A were to follow it, they would probably get slapped, possibly get arrested, and in, if the stars aligned, get eaten by sharks. Poster B then posts a hypothetical problem of their own. Repeat until bored. And to begin: _Every morning at 5:30, my neighbor’s cat begins to caterwaul. I know this because I get up at 5:15 for my morning run and can hear it as I run out of the house. I’m worried the cat will disturb my rest if I ever decide to skip the the run. What should I do?_ ---
**Author:** ![QuercusMax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/8baadc/32.png) [@QuercusMax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuercusMax)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/2 "2010-07-13T16:44:55Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > _Every morning at 5:30, my neighbor’s cat begins to caterwaul. I know this because I get up at 5:15 for my morning run and can hear it as I run out of the house. I’m worried the cat will disturb my rest if I ever decide to skip the the run. What should I do?_ Dear Kitty-Hater: clearly you need to ensure that you always get up earlier than the cat, no matter what. I recommend retaliating in kind and getting several roosters. They’ll wake you up at 4 AM, so you’ll definitely be up and about before the cat starts screeching. Your neighbors are sure to enjoy the new rural atmosphere and barnyard feel of your neighborhood. Also, shoot the cat. Just to be safe. But keep the roosters. _My office-mate at work has a habit of belching in a loud and smelly manner. I’ve asked him to stop, but he continues regardless. Any suggestions?_ ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/3 "2010-07-13T16:50:09Z")
> [@QuercusMax](#): > > _My office-mate at work has a habit of belching in a loud and smelly manner. I’ve asked him to stop, but he continues regardless. Any suggestions?_ Take up a diet that consists solely of baked beans and brussel sprouts so you can fight fire with fire. _My girlfriend won’t quit asking me what I’m thinking about. How do I make her leave me alone?_ ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/4 "2010-07-13T16:51:14Z")
> [@QuercusMax](#): > > Dear Kitty-Hater: clearly you need to ensure that you always get up earlier than the cat, no matter what. I recommend retaliating in kind and getting several roosters. They’ll wake you up at 4 AM, so you’ll definitely be up and about before the cat starts screeching. Your neighbors are sure to enjoy the new rural atmosphere and barnyard feel of your neighborhood. > > Also, shoot the cat. Just to be safe. But keep the roosters. > > _My office-mate at work has a habit of belching in a loud and smelly manner. I’ve asked him to stop, but he continues regardless. Any suggestions?_ Mutually Assured Disgust. You should start farting in a loud and smelly manner. Match him in quantity and quality. Dear board, I procrastinate a lot. Sometimes, I even procrastinate in doing things that I’m using to procrastinate on things that I should be doing. What should I do? ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/41988e/32.png) [@Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/5 "2010-07-13T16:51:24Z")
> [@](#): > > Every morning at 5:30, my neighbor’s cat begins to caterwaul. I know this because I get up at 5:15 for my morning run and can hear it as I run out of the house. I’m worried the cat will disturb my rest if I ever decide to skip the the run. What should I do? Procure a large stabby knife and stab both your thoughtless neighbor and his obnoxious cat. Stab more. Go to the ocean should you need to wash the blood off your own body. _I am planning to teach myself to juggle. What are the best items for me to use while I’m beginning?_ ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/6 "2010-07-13T16:51:37Z")
Buy high, sell low. ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/7 "2010-07-13T16:52:11Z")
> [@QuercusMax](#): > > _My office-mate at work has a habit of belching in a loud and smelly manner. I’ve asked him to stop, but he continues regardless. Any suggestions?_ Spike his drinks with air freshener. _My neck is itchy. Need help fast!_ ETA: Damn you guys are fast. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/8 "2010-07-13T16:52:55Z")
> [@QuercusMax](#): > > _My office-mate at work has a habit of belching in a loud and smelly manner. I’ve asked him to stop, but he continues regardless. Any suggestions?_ Go into his cubicle, stick your finger down his throat and force him to throw up. Every time I go to the store, some idiot has to walk through the parking lot with his/her cart right down the middle. Is running them over acceptable? Need answer fast, I’m posting this from the store lot. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/9 "2010-07-13T16:54:08Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Take up a diet that consists solely of baked beans and brussel sprouts so you can fight fire with fire. > _My girlfriend won’t quit asking me what I’m thinking about. How do I make her leave me alone?_ Great minds think alike! As to your question, you should answer the truth: “Boobs.” ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/10 "2010-07-13T16:54:30Z")
> [@QuercusMax](#): > > _My office-mate at work has a habit of belching in a loud and smelly manner. I’ve asked him to stop, but he continues regardless. Any suggestions?_ You should just accept that as an alpha male he is free to do as he pleases. Do nothing but bottle up you rage. Vent by coming onto the SDMB and starting a thread in which you claim to have beaten him up and stolen his girlfriend. _My boss brings his 12-year old son to work on Wednesdays because the little brat has half-days on Wednesdays. Each time he shows up at work he rampages through the office, annoying the employees who are forced to babysit him. What can I do?_ Edit: Uh, holy shit, gais. O.O ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/11 "2010-07-13T16:54:42Z")
> [@](#): > > My office-mate at work has a habit of belching in a loud and smelly manner. I’ve asked him to stop, but he continues regardless. Any suggestions? This works best if you have lactose intolerance. Eat and drink something that will make you incredibly flatulent. I recommend a gallon of milk, and a lot of Taco Bell. Lock yourself in an office with him and let them rip for an hour. Don’t let him leave the office. Wait until he is throwing up. When you are done, take a dump on his desk. Ask him how he likes those apples. _I met a girl at work that I really like, but she has a fiancee. How should I woo her?_ ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/12 "2010-07-13T16:58:23Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Go into his cubicle, stick your finger down his throat and force him to throw up. > > Every time I go to the store, some idiot has to walk through the parking lot with his/her cart right down the middle. Is running them over acceptable? For some stupid reason the police consider that assault. What you want here is to keep balloons filled with Elmer’s Glue in your car so you can throw them at people who get in your way. _I have a lot of reports to finish today, way too many to allow me to take any bathroom breaks, as the bathroom’s two floors up and on the other side of the building. How should I handle this?_ ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/13 "2010-07-13T16:58:52Z")
> [@Caffeine.addict](#): > > This works best if you have lactose intolerance. Eat and drink something that will make you incredibly flatulent. I recommend a gallon of milk, and a lot of Taco Bell. Lock yourself in an office with him and let them rip for an hour. Don’t let him leave the office. Wait until he is throwing up. When you are done, take a dump on his desk. Ask him how he likes those apples. > _I met a girl at work that I really like, but she has a fiancee. How should I woo her?_ The same way Edward Cullen woos Bella. The restraining order just means she’s playing hard to get. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/14 "2010-07-13T16:58:53Z")
> [@Caffeine.addict](#): > > _I met a girl at work that I really like, but she has a fiancee. How should I woo her?_ Kidnap the fiance and anonomously send her one of his fingers each day until she agrees to go out with you. ---
**Author:** ![Rafe\_Hollister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/fbc32d/32.png) [@Rafe\_Hollister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rafe_Hollister)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/15 "2010-07-13T16:59:35Z")
> [@Caffeine.addict](#): > > _I met a girl at work that I really like, but she has a fiancee. How should I woo her?_ Constantly point out her fiance’s flaws and tell her you saw him coming out of a gay bar. Flex a lot when she’s around. Talk about your feats of strength. Put up a bunch of posters of semi-nude women to impress her with what a manly man you are. _What is this thing on my ass?_ ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/16 "2010-07-13T17:05:09Z")
> [@Rafe\_Hollister](#): > > Constantly point out her fiance’s flaws and tell her you saw him coming out of a gay bar. Flex a lot when she’s around. Talk about your feats of strength. Put up a bunch of posters of semi-nude women to impress her with what a manly man you are. > > _What is this thing on my ass?_ By this point it should be IN your ass. Actually passing thru and well on its way to your medulla oblongata. I wouldn’t worry about it, and I certainly wouldn’t contact the Justice League or anything like that. Just go on and go to work at the Pentagon as you were scheduled. _The guy sharing my table at the coffeehouse is writing in some weird non-English writing. He says he is studying Arabic for school, and he has textbooks and junk, and we’re right across the street from Vanderbilt University which has an Arabic studies program, but I’m still suspicious. What should I do?_ ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/17 "2010-07-13T17:08:22Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > By this point it should be IN your ass. Actually passing thru and well on its way to your medulla oblongata. I wouldn’t worry about it, and I certainly wouldn’t contact the Justice League or anything like that. Just go on and go to work at the Pentagon as you were scheduled. > > _The guy sharing my table at the coffeehouse is writing in some weird non-English writing. He says he is studying Arabic for school, and he has textbooks and junk, and we’re right across the street from Vanderbilt University which has an Arabic studies program, but I’m still suspicious. What should I do?_ Call Jack Bauer. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/18 "2010-07-13T17:08:48Z")
> [@Rafe\_Hollister](#): > > _What is this thing on my ass?_ You need to go public with this one - pull down your pants in the street and ask random strangers. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/19 "2010-07-13T17:10:45Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > _The guy sharing my table at the coffeehouse is writing in some weird non-English writing. He says he is studying Arabic for school, and he has textbooks and junk, and we’re right across the street from Vanderbilt University which has an Arabic studies program, but I’m still suspicious. What should I do?_ Casually draw a picture or even print out some random clip art, and label it “Mohammad masturbating.” Gauge his reaction carefully. If he doesn’t laugh, call Homeland Defense immediately before he triggers his vest bomb. _If wives don’t like being treated like prostitutes, why don’t more people marry prostitutes?_ ---
**Author:** ![may\_be\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@may\_be\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/may_be_ignorant)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/20 "2010-07-13T17:13:39Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > By this point it should be IN your ass. Actually passing thru and well on its way to your medulla oblongata. I wouldn’t worry about it, and I certainly wouldn’t contact the Justice League or anything like that. Just go on and go to work at the Pentagon as you were scheduled. > > _The guy sharing my table at the coffeehouse is writing in some weird non-English writing. He says he is studying Arabic for school, and he has textbooks and junk, and we’re right across the street from Vanderbilt University which has an Arabic studies program, but I’m still suspicious. What should I do?_ I feel like this is both obvious and unoriginal, but his laptop is clearly an explosive device. It’s unfortuante that by the time I post this it will be too late, as he is probably programming it with the arabtype. _My Aunt is talking about murdering her husband. I don’t know if she’s joking. What should I do?_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548.md?page=2)