# The really, really, REALLY bad advice thread. **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [July 13, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548 "2010-07-13T16:36:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/61 "2010-07-14T14:06:14Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > My cat keeps bringing home dead mice. What should I do? Break out the grill and the Heinz 57 sauce. In this economy its like having a key to the meatlocker. > [@antonio107](#): > > _Somebody keeps sending text messages to my landline, and it’s ticking me off. I know exactly who it is and I don’t care for him much. How do I best exact my revenge?_ Have I mentioned lately that crossbows have gotten really cheap and are easy to use? I did? O-kay then - if that seems a little much just nail their pet (or someone else’s) to their front door. _My boss wants me to work overtime but I have plans - what should I do?_ ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/62 "2010-07-14T14:28:05Z")
Say “I have plans.” If your boss asks what, say “It’s the annual meeting of my Chld Sacrificing Cult. Say, what’s your kid doing tonight?” I recently fell downstairs, and now it looks like my wristbone is about two inches below my wrist. Should I see a doctor? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/63 "2010-07-14T14:50:17Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Say “I have plans.” If your boss asks what, say “It’s the annual meeting of my Chld Sacrificing Cult. Say, what’s your kid doing tonight?” > > I recently fell downstairs, and now it looks like my wristbone is about two inches below my wrist. Should I see a doctor? Doctors are for sissies. Go to a bar, find some guy wholooks like he was recently rude to his wife, and punch him in the face. If you do it hard enough it will shove your bones back into position. \*I’m an executive with–well, never mind the name of the company. A few months back, due a freak accident that was notally not our fault, we cause dsome slight inconvenience in the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve just come across a fund of approximately $45 billion the boss had budgeted to spend on hookerbots. Should I tell anyone? \* ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/64 "2010-07-14T15:25:45Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > \*I’m an executive with–well, never mind the name of the company. A few months back, due a freak accident that was notally not our fault, we cause dsome slight inconvenience in the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve just come across a fund of approximately $45 billion the boss had budgeted to spend on hookerbots. Should I tell anyone? \* You should email your boss and let him know that unless he splits it with you, you’ll turn him in to the Federalis. Make sure you CC a bunch of people in case he tries to back out of the deal later. Here’s a list of the people I’d keep in the loop: Dog the Bounty Hunter, Anderson Cooper, the Bush daughters, and the one guy from Craigslist who says it OK to send him advertistments. _Does anyone know where I could get a lot of blood, no questions asked? It’s for a book…_ ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/65 "2010-07-14T15:44:24Z")
> [@Darth\_Panda](#): > > _Does anyone know where I could get a lot of blood, no questions asked? It’s for a book…_ Since it’s for a book, you can’t do better than refer back to classic 19th century horror stories. Wait for a dark, foggy night, hike down to the docks or slums, grab a few derelicts and/or prostitutes and bleed them out. It’s better if you’re in London, but almost any large city will do. _Two well-dressed young people are standing at my door, holding what appear to be a packet of religious books and pamphlets. I think it’s rude to not answer the door. What should I do? And what do I do with my large, foul-tempered dog._ ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/66 "2010-07-14T15:56:53Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I recently fell downstairs, and now it looks like my wristbone is about two inches below my wrist. Should I see a doctor? Yes – but be different from the herd – see a Doctor of Anthropology. What the heck, a bone is a bone. > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > \*I’m an executive with–well, never mind the name of the company. A few months back, due a freak accident that was notally not our fault, we cause dsome slight inconvenience in the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve just come across a fund of approximately $45 billion the boss had budgeted to spend on hookerbots. Should I tell anyone? \* If you can’t transfer the funds to your name, you may as well. I would suggest FOX news. > [@Darth\_Panda](#): > > _Does anyone know where I could get a lot of blood, no questions asked? It’s for a book…_ Call your local Mormon Temple and ask them. Just remember that “missionaries” is the code word in their faith for “blood donor”. > [@kunilou](#): > > _Two well-dressed young people are standing at my door, holding what appear to be a packet of religious books and pamphlets. I think it’s rude to not answer the door. What should I do? And what do I do with my large, foul-tempered dog._ Get naked, cover yourself in blood, and say “I thought you were never going to get here!” _I think I smell gas in the basement - how can I check it out safely?_ ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/67 "2010-07-14T15:58:52Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Chocolate and whiskey. Breakfast Of Champions. 😃 _I just came to work drunk on whiskey. Should I have some chocolate?_ ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/68 "2010-07-14T16:02:41Z")
> [@kopek](#): > > _I think I smell gas in the basement - how can I check it out safely?_ As the young people from **kunilou’s** door to do it for you. Two birds, one stone. \*I was walking through the park the other day, and bumped into Chuck Norris. Literally bumped: I was listening to music on my Ipod and we collided and I spilled my latte all over myself. He apologized and bought me a new coffee, but I’m still pissed as my favorite shirt got stained. He’s in this park every day. Should I call him an asshole the next time I see him, or just punch him in the beard? ETA: Need answer fast! I just saw him over by the lake having sex with the entire female cast of The Hills. \* ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/69 "2010-07-14T18:36:16Z")
Call him an asshole, punch him out, and then take his place with the cast! I have last week’s winning lottery tivket, but I’m also wanted for murder. It’s a $2.5 million dollar payout. How do I collect with being put in jail? ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/70 "2010-07-14T19:54:36Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Call him an asshole, punch him out, and then take his place with the cast! > > I have last week’s winning lottery tivket, but I’m also wanted for murder. It’s a $2.5 million dollar payout. How do I collect with being put in jail? Ask a cop to go collect on your payout, and promise him $5K if he keeps it quiet. Cops are notoriously underpaid and will sell their own mother for that much money, leaving you a cool $2,495,000 profit. I’m thirsty. What should I do? ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2010, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/71 "2010-07-14T22:55:53Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > I’m thirsty. What should I do? I recently heard from Navajo indians that jalapeno juice has special nutrients that neutralize your need for water. Apparently, they used it when they had to go on vision quests or line up at the BIA. And for only 3 easy payments of 19.99, they’ll send you two bottles for the price of 1.75 bottles! They assured me (through the tv) that they were _real_ Navajo. I’m sure that wise, ancient people must know more than modern science simply because I’ve never heard of them before. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/72 "2010-07-15T00:19:37Z")
I want to give bad advice, but I don’t have a question. Help me? ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/73 "2010-07-15T05:13:54Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > I want to give bad advice, but I don’t have a question. Help me? Wanting to give bad advice, but not needing any advice yourself, means that you are perfectly suited to be a newspaper advice columnist. As it’s a highly competitive field, I recommend locating a current advice columnist (such as Jeanne Phillips, who took over her mother’s “Dear Abby” column a while back), and kidnap her. Then, write to the newspaper where she works, tell them that you’ve heard they need a new advice columnist, and apply for the job. _My cat is very playful, but, sometimes, when we’re playing, he gets too aggressive, and scratches or bites me. What can I do to break him of this habit?_ ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/74 "2010-07-15T06:19:28Z")
> [@kopek](#): > > \*I keep hearing voices in my head but they speak another language and I don’t know what to do. Good online translation sites anyone? \* [Here you go.](http://www.kafejo.com/lingvoj/auxlangs/eo/tradukilo/) If that one doesn’t work, clearly they’re anti-linguist heathens, and you’ll need an excommunication. Talk to your local priest. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/75 "2010-07-15T11:59:56Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > _My cat is very playful, but, sometimes, when we’re playing, he gets too aggressive, and scratches or bites me. What can I do to break him of this habit?_ Show him you are the dominant one. Bite back! My new MacBook Pro has this ugly wet patch inside the LCD (not on the LCD). The tech people refuses to take it back saying it’s a cosmetic issue and not under warranty. What shall I do? ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/76 "2010-07-15T13:38:30Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > I want to give bad advice, but I don’t have a question. Help me? Republicans are very popular these days so consider asking how we can arrange things to elect GW again and have him fix this mess Obama created. _How can I dispose of some old drugs I found?_ ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/77 "2010-07-15T13:44:09Z")
Take them, you idiot. I’m on probation, just did some drugs, and now have to take a drug test. Need Answer Fast! ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/78 "2010-07-15T14:37:13Z")
A co-worker just tossed some [grocery-store angel food cake](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12687262&postcount=431)(with a big slice cut out) onto the break room table at my office and said: “Here. It’s some angle food cake. I don’t know if it’s any good or not.” I haven’t had breakfast yet. Should I eat some? Whoever ate the slice knows if it’s good or not… ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2010, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/79 "2010-07-15T14:58:39Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I’m on probation, just did some drugs, and now have to take a drug test. Need Answer Fast! Get some clean urine, store it in a rubber dong, and heat it in the microwave at your nearest 7-11 or similar store. Unless you work around Pittsburgh. [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14838641/](http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14838641/) > [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > I haven’t had breakfast yet. Should I eat some? Whoever ate the slice knows if it’s good or not… Eating is another of those herd instinct things. Become a breatharian. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2010, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548/80 "2010-07-16T04:18:33Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > A co-worker just tossed some [grocery-store angel food cake](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=12687262&postcount=431)(with a big slice cut out) onto the break room table at my office and said: “Here. It’s some angle food cake. I don’t know if it’s any good or not.” > > I haven’t had breakfast yet. Should I eat some? Whoever ate the slice knows if it’s good or not… Hunger is irrelevant. This is about territory. Immediately spit all over it and make sure the entire office knows it’s been “marked.” You might wish to pee on it to make a statement about your alpha status. As a final touch, I would leave a handful of bullets next to it. _My tummy hurts. ☹_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-really-really-really-bad-advice-thread/546548.md?page=5)