# The Return of Sarcastic Answer Theater **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 9, 2005, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265 "2005-08-09T13:20:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![buns3000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c89c15/32.png) [@buns3000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buns3000)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/61 "2005-08-17T04:11:17Z")
[microwave doors only open from the right](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=330515) Hey, thanks for the heads up. Now I can finally use the thing. ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/62 "2005-08-17T04:28:46Z")
These are all hilarious. Great stuff, guys. Here’s a few more from me: [Jesus H. Christ](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=328193) Yes? 😉 [Fall Semester Roll Call](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=330178) Bueller? Bueller? [Oh I Could Waste Hours At This Site](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=330458) Just don’t get any on the keyboard, 'kay? [My bathroom, it is a showplace.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=330230) What have I told you about those dancing ferrests? Sheesh. [How did I become the bad guy? (Mild)](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=330344) Well, the 17 serial murders might have had something to do with it. Mild my ass. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/63 "2005-08-17T19:41:19Z")
[I just saw the Loch Ness Monster! I swear!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=330590) People who see the Loch Ness monster not only swear but tend to mess themselves as well. You know, you really should lay off that stuff. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/64 "2005-08-17T19:53:14Z")
**Seriously, why the war in Iraq?** Why _not_ the war in Iraq? **Today Is Bring A Spider To Work Day** Dammit, Peter, get off the ceiling before my supervisor sees you. **Favorite color purple: sign of a disturbed mind?** Well, the Grapist was pretty weird… ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/65 "2005-08-17T20:22:03Z")
\*\*Passive/Aggressive? or Stupid? or Thoughtless? or…? \*\* Life is full of possibilities! \*\*Thought for the Day \*\* Some people manage more than one, but don’t strain yourself. \*\*Why the distinction between murder and attempted murder? \*\* [Yoda]There is no try. Only do. Or do not.[/Yoda] \*\*Did the Squirrel Try to KILL Me, or Was This Coincidence? \*\* New evidence supports the Grassy Knoll theory of the JFK assasination. \*\*Can I create a “virtual printer”? \*\* Sure, if you don’t mind reading the output on “virtual paper.” \*\*Pacifist or not? \*\* Careful, stranger. Them’s fightin’ words! \*\*Movies: Famous Last Words \*\* The End \*\*An American in Vancouver \*\* The low-budget sequel to the Gene Kelly/Leslie Caron classic. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/66 "2005-08-17T20:36:54Z")
**Cleaning a horseshoe crab shell?** Nope. You? **Tell me about 2-player console games** They require more than one person to play them. **What do you call the sword/dagger variety of fencing?** What do _I_ call it? Dangerous. Very dangerous. **Cast Your Family and Friends** In concrete? Or bronze? \*\* I need input on seziures\*\* Try to avoid typing while having one. **Step 3: Profit!** Step 4: blow it all in Vegas! ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/67 "2005-08-17T21:31:56Z")
It’s baaaack! During your vacation, I tried bumping [the original](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=253832) - but alas, it was to no avail. **Why the rarity of lady chefs?** _ExtraKun_ Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break through the corningware ceiling? **What do you call the sword/dagger variety of fencing?** _Sampiro_ Mortal Kombat III? **I need input on seziures** _kaiwik_ As opposed to output on donations? **Mother-in-law terrified by estate-planning and inheritance issues** _Parthol_ Gradually get her used to being near attorneys by suggesting she take a part-time gig cleaning cesspools **What happens when I ‘Report this Junk Mail’?** _EarthStone777_ You’ll get even cheaper Vi@gra offers. **Can a Corporation insure a car?** _jj\_brewer_ Yes, it can even can core a apple **Great Og, help me buy a tire!** _AerynSun_ Can’t you fuckin’ unicyclists do anything by yourselves? **How much would a 1000 megawatt plant cost using various sources of electricity** _Wesley Clark_ About the same as a new-fangled abacus machine. **Will we ever drill in Alaska?** _mrmeman12_ It all depends on how violent the Eskimo insurgency becomes. **Supermarkets have dozens of different mustards . Why (relatively) so few ketchups?** _astro_ ‘Pardon me, do you have an Hunt’s Catsup’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. **Animal graveyards** _Amazon Floozy Goddess_ [Joey Ramone] No one cares, nobody knows [/Joey Ramone] **Why the distinction between murder and attempted murder?** _Absolute_ It has it’s roots in Marxism: Rewarding failure & punishing success. **Reason for Coughing/Phlegm After Eating?** _Jackknifed Juggernaut_ Simple. You eat snot and your gonna cough up phlegm **Walk me through Dual Monitors** _Wearia_ Step 1: Take them off the desk. Step 2: Spread them out about 2 feet apart. Step 3: Take my hand… **Can you really kill a guy by driving his nose up into his brain?** _Diogenes the Cynic_ At a minimum he’ll be coughing up phlegm after eating ---
**Author:** ![sneezy5660](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@sneezy5660](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sneezy5660)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2005, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/68 "2005-08-17T23:40:46Z")
**Favorite Color Purple: sign of a disturbed mind?** Two words, **Oprah Winfrey** **Today Is Bring a Spider To Work Day.** Charlotte, quit making webs, and make some coffee! **What experiments can I do with hydrochloric acid?** Eye drops Russian Roulette. **I miss lunchboxes.** Buy a bigger gun. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2005, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/69 "2005-08-18T02:55:36Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > **Walk me through Dual Monitors** > _Wearia_ > Step 1: Take them off the desk. Step 2: Spread them out about 2 feet apart. Step 3: Take my hand… Good one! 🙂 * * * GQ: \*\*Why do trucks carrying fish say “fish” on the trailer? \*\* Well, it wouldn’t make much sense for it to read “dead babies”, now would it? \*\*Did the Squirrel Try to KILL Me, or Was This Coincidence? \*\* He’s not speaking without his lawyer present. \*\*What caused the “Pirate Boom” of a few years ago? \*\* Cannons? ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2005, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/70 "2005-08-18T03:23:41Z")
**Jackson Accused Again** Wow what a surprise!!! Wait a minute … this just handed to me … it is believed that\*\* Jerry Garcia\*\* _may_ have used marijuana at some point in his life. 😃 But let’s wait until all the facts are in. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2005, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/71 "2005-08-18T18:27:30Z")
**Can you really kill a guy by driving his nose up into his brain?** I don’t know about a nose up, but you can certainly kill a guy by driving his Nova up into his brain, as well as his Silverado, his Corvette, his Impala, or even his Monte Carlo. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2005, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/72 "2005-08-19T12:27:13Z")
\*\* I have finally conquered a 15-year old computer game.\*\* Airman Doors, USAF You know, Airman, if you eliminate the last two words, the Air Force might be very upset with you. ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2005, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/73 "2005-08-19T21:23:43Z")
**Does shaving cream do anything?** _scm1001_ [Benny Bell] It keeps you nice and clean & always looking keen [/Benny Bell] **How long does it take caffeine to leave the body?** _Lillith Fair_ Anywhere from 20 seconds to 2 minutes, depending on bladder capacity. **Do people say, “It’s a free country!” or equivalent in other countries?** _Shagnasty_ It’s rumored that Japanese nationalists say, ‘It’s a flea country’ **Why is it bad to let gasoline powered vehicles idle for extended periods of time?** _Shagnasty_ Probably something to do with the 2nd Commandment **Evolution of Naval Weapon Doctrines** _Raguleader_ Anthropologists believe cavemen used to throw lint an one another before discovering hurling oranges at one another was more effective **Why would someone design a website to do this?** _Mr. Blue Sky_ Because most of the porn sites already to _that_. **Question about finacial advisors/retitrement planners etc.** _Boscibo_ The 1st bit of advice I’d give is to steer clear of Parthol’s mother in law. **Why do people buy diesel cars?** _InvisibleWombat_ **Meaning of "Git 'R Done"** _Ravenman_ It’s a form of shop-speak used by managers in Louisiana toy stores **Judge: Parents can’t teach pagan beliefs to son.** _AskNott_ I guess the factual answer to that query is, ‘yups, that’s the ruling’. **Can men get yeast infections?** _seaworthy82_ Yes. As proven by biologist Francesco Redi in an experiment conducted in 1667. **English Law: What does a solicitor do?** _Fish_ Offer 20 quid for oral and 50 for around the world **How could the Space Shuttle reentry be made safer?** _tallpall_ The current NASA solution is to prevent it from exiting in the first place ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2005, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/74 "2005-08-19T22:58:51Z")
GQ: \*\*What were those spherical objects below the Hi Voltage transmission lines? \*\* Charred corpses. \*\*How many ads are we exposed to each day? \*\* Well, considering that I frequently watch TV naked… \*\*How Long Does it Take to Gain a Pound? \*\* How fast can you eat 4 Quarter Pounders in one sitting? \*\*Bell Pepper pricing, what’s the reason? \*\* Well, they probably don’t want to give them away for free. ---
**Author:** ![Fromage\_A\_Trois](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fromage\_A\_Trois](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fromage_A_Trois)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2005, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/75 "2005-08-20T15:28:02Z")
**Does shaving cream do anything?** It 's always best to remove the stubble before you pour it on your strawberries. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2005, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/76 "2005-08-21T06:30:14Z")
**I’ve lost 70 pounds… and now I’m starting to freak a little. Help.** Okay, where’s the last place you remember seeing them? **Anime you WOULDN’T recommend for a newcomer** Tentacle Master 1-4, and 6. 5’s pretty good, though. **What did youfind out about an artist/author that changed your veiw of his/her work?** I lost a lot of respect for that elephant who holds a paintbrush, let me tell you. **Recording keystrokes in windows without third-party software** Point webcam down. **What do you listen to in the car when you have passengers?** Generally whichever one is talking. ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/77 "2005-08-22T17:56:33Z")
**Backward messages in Music** _BluePitbull_ Subtitled: The Danny K Appreciation Thread **What is the biggest lawsuit amount actually recieved?** _jebert_ Don’t be shocked to discover the answer will keep changing as each chronological post is made. **What hi-speed internet services are available in my area?** _CynicalGabe_ Would you also like a list of all the Domino’s Pizza in the vicinity? **Ponds and Lakes: Is there any technical difference?** _Raxx_ Ponds share their name with a cold cream & lakes scum just doesn’t have the same ring to it **What does IBM stand for?** _bubastis_ Perhaps you should pose that stimulating query to the Domino’s Pizza delivery boy. **Are there spelling bees in languages other than English?** _Hyperelastic_ Would an ‘abeja del deletreo’ count? **Why do they say “boot” for “commit an error” in baseball?** _CookingWithGas_ It has it’s roots in Pittsburgh, when the Pirate’s first donned Sir Henry Thigh Highs in lieu of spikes. Bill Gates later appropriated the term for his error-laden OS. **Should I kill the spiders in my apartment?** _Dignan_ IMHO, it may help cut down on your cobweb problem **How many metallo-ligand bonds does iron normally form with oxygen?** _Wesley Clark_ 6. Three black and 3 orange ones **How do you play the organ?** _dalej42_ If playing solo: try spit. **Bigger Person = More Blood?** _Gerome_ Though they have more arteries, they’re usually so gummed up with cholesterol, more blood isn’t required. **Erect Penis on a dead guy?** _Foxy40_ I got a hunch this your 1st time seeing Clerks. ---
**Author:** ![5\_time\_champ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/278dde/32.png) [@5\_time\_champ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5_time_champ)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2005, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/78 "2005-08-23T02:58:49Z")
**What do you do when you suck?** _RandMcnally_ Swallow. ---
**Author:** ![Ragiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6de8d8/32.png) [@Ragiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ragiel)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2005, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/79 "2005-08-23T14:43:20Z")
**Mock Psychics** _Hampshire_ You bet I do. Every single chance I get. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265/80 "2005-08-24T06:15:55Z")
\*\*Do people still chew gum? \*\* No, now they hang it on their wall as decoration. \*\*Cheapest way to exchange currency? \*\* Put a dollar in your friend’s hand. Have him put a dollar in yours. \*\*How to store Ice Cream for long periods? \*\* Have you tried the freezer? \*\*Should I kill the spiders in my apartment? \*\* Not if they’re paying their share of the rent. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-return-of-sarcastic-answer-theater/316265.md?page=5)