Hmpf.
You try having an irritating naked screeching chick in your front yard and see how cranky YOU feel.
So why didn’t you just put a curse on her gretnizes and sic the seafamiliar on her.
Sheesh. I have to think of everything.
I did. I cursed her so that on her 40th birthday, they’d drop at least six inches. I heard her mutter “I’m rubber and you’re glue”, but it was too late.
Now I have to save up for a bust lift. The little floozy is lucky that legs were the worst she got.
Once upon a time there was a tailor. (I know, the story says it’s about a kid and here I am talking about a tailor. Just hold on and I’ll get to the kid.) This tailor met a beautiful maiden. At least she said she was a maiden and no one looked under the hood, as it were. So they got married. It was a wonderful ceremony and there was cake afterward.
Round about a year later the tailor and his wife had a kid. (See? I told you I’d get to it.) They named their little boy Aladdin.
Years and years later, Aladdin grew to be an idle and rather surly youth. Would he work? No. Would he learn a trade? No. Would he help out around the house, maybe take out the trash once in a while or just clean his room? No. Aladdin was just a rotten kid.
His parents clobbered him over the head with a log and tied him in a sack with rocks (The rocks were in the sack with Aladdin, not like they tied a knot with a rock. That would be stupid. They used string.) and threw him in the river. Where he drowned.
The End.
Heh, heh… that’s not how the story goes. But it does teach you a lesson. Doesn’t it? It should. I’ll wait here while you go clean you room so you don’t get thrown in the river in a sack with rocks and drown. And take out the trash while you’re at it.
OK, back to the story…
Aladdin was this rotten kid. It broke his father’s heart to have such a rotten kid and he died. That was sad. Did you learn anything from that? I hope so, because Aladdin’s father is staying dead. It won’t be like later you find out his father is still alive only he’s this real evil guy who lives in a black suit and can kill people just by thinking real hard. That’s not going to happen. Did you notice how Aladdin’s father didn’t even get a name? Just so you didn’t get attached to him. I was sparing you feelings. “Oh no!” you cry, “Aladdin’s mother doesn’t have a name either! She’s toast!” Ha ha ha! No, her name is Betty. “Pshew!” Shut up so I can get back to the story. OK? “OK.” I said shut up! “OK.” Knock it off already! “Alright, alright, just get back to the story.” Well, stop interrupting and I’ll get to it.
Aladdin was this rotten kid, his father was over-sensitive and died, but his mother, Betty, was made of sterner stuff and she’s still hanging on. She’s not real happy with her lazy, no good kid, but what’s she gonna do?
One day, when Aladdin was playing ball with his friends, a stranger came up to him. Aladdin should have been more wary of strangers just coming up to him, but he was a little dim. And lazy. Don’t forget, Aladdin was lazy.
“Hey kid!” called the stranger.
“What?” replied Aladdin. Are you supposed to talk to strangers? No, of course not. This only leads to trouble. Watch. Or listen. Or read, depending.
“Are you the kid of the dead tailor?”
“Yeah. What of it?”
“I’m your uncle! I’m not really a famous evil magician from some far away place that wants you to do something for me so I can be the most powerful evil magician in the World! No, no, no, I am just your long lost uncle that your own father never ever mentioned in his whole life!”
“Really?” asked Aladdin.
“Sure! Why not?”
“OK, then, come home with me and my mom will feed you and then we can go on from there.”
“OK.”
So Aladdin brought this guy home and his mother didn’t realize her late husband was an only child and fell for the ruse. Aladdin might have been dim, but he came by it honestly.
The next day, Aladdin’s “uncle” took him out into the desert (With only one “s”, because dessert with two is the sweet you get after a meal. It’s easy to remember because everyone wants two desserts, so it has two “s”-s. Now you know. Glad I could help.) really far. So far out into the desert that if he, the fake uncle, wanted to do something unkind to him, Aladdin, no one would hear him, again Aladdin, scream or holler or squeal like a pig. Aladdin is so dumb.
When the reached a stretch of sand, that quite frankly looked like every other stretch of sand in the whole desert, the “uncle” said some magic words and the sand shifted back, revealing a small door.
“Aladdin, you must go down through that little door. On the other side you’ll see wonderful and marvelous things. Forget about all that. Keep going and finally you’ll get to this alcove way in the back. In that alcove there’ll be this grubby lamp. You know all the wonderful and marvelous things I mentioned? I’m not into that. I want the grubby lamp. It’s worthless, but I want it. Gold, jewels, flying carpets and things like that? Not interested. Worthless grubby lamps? Yes! Give me many!”
“OK,” said Aladdin.
Really, he said that. Just “OK.” Here’s this dim kid who is so lazy his laziness killed his father, who wanders out into the desert with this guy who just came up to him in the street and said “Behold! I’m your long lost uncle no one has ever mentioned!”, and then poof! there’s this door in the middle of nowhere which Aladdin is supposed to just truck in to and ignore all the wonderful marvelous things, and get this grubby old lamp that’s supposed to be worthless. Things like that happen in stories all the time.
So Aladdin goes in through the little door. He wanders through a mysterious cavern just loaded chock full of gold and jewels and flying carpets and Chia Pets and car wax the still looks good after it’s caught on fire and bamboo steamers and knives that can chop through an aluminum can and still slice a tomato paper thin. Way in the back there’s an alcove just like he was told. In the alcove there’s an old grubby lamp, just like he was told. He takes the lamp, just like he was told.
“Screw it!” yells Aladdin and he rubs the lamp. There are various Speilbergian special effects and before him stands… The Genie of the Lamp!
“Yes! I knew it!” he cries, pumping his arm in the air. “Genie! Box all this stuff up and take me to Aruba!”
"Yes mast… Wait! That’s not the way things are supposed to go!
You’re supposed to take the lamp back to your uncle, who really is an evil magician by the way, and when he says “Give me my lamp!” you say “No!” and he closes you into the Cave of Wonders™. Then he goes back to his native land.
Just like that. After all the planning and traveling, he just goes home. One try and he gives up! What kind of Evil Magician just gives up after one try? I ask you!
Anyway, you’re stuck on this cave, the Cave of Wonder™ for two days or so. Then you accidentally rub the lamp and I pop out. It could be a magic ring the evil magician gave you, then you’ll have two genies. But I think that version is stupid. I mean, really. If he had a genie in a magic ring, why would he give it to you? He could use that genie to get the lamp. Or have that genie get him a backhoe or something then he could get the lamp himself. Of course there’s the whole “magic has strange rules” angle. But I’m sure a real Evil Magician, maybe even Doug Henning, could figure a way around something like that. So I’m sure he wouldn’t give you a magic ring with a genie in it.
So then I pop out. “Take me home!” you say. And then I do, because I am a genie after all and I can do anything. Then I make you fabulously wealthy and you take good care of your mother because now you’re not some lazy kid. You’re still lazy. I mean I do all the work, but that’s what having a genie is all about.
Then the Sultan says “No one look at my daughter!” Only you do, of course. Then you use my magic to win her over. There’s a whole bit with the Grand Vizier who wants the Sultan’s daughter for his own son, but we outsmart him. I outsmart him really, but you come along for the ride and get the girl. So there’s that.
Then the evil magician hears about how you’re doing so well for yourself and he comes back for the lamp. “New lamps for old! New lamps for old!” and he gets the lamp. With me, the genie, too. But you track him down and kill him and get me back. And your castle and the Sultan’s daughter.
Then there’s the whole adventure with the evil magician’s even more evil little brother who dresses up like a holy girl and comes to kill you. Then I save the day! Huzzah for me! And then we all live happily ever after.
That’s the way it’s supposed to go. And you just say “take me to Aruba!” What are you thinking?" asked the genie. Remember? The genie has been talking for a real long time.
“I’m thinking I just want to go to Aruba and lie on the beach and drink a lot of rum and paint naked Aruban girls. I’d like to be a painter. As long as there’s a lot of rum and a beach and naked girls. That’s what I’m thinking. Oh yeah, and send mom some money and some food. I can at least do that.”
“OK,” says the genie.
And Aladdin and the genie go to Aruba. Aladdin wastes his time on the beach drinking rum and eventually gets around to buying some paint. He never does paint any naked Aruban girls, but there are naked Aruban girls there. So he winds up living happily ever after anyway. Even if he didn’t have all the adventures he was supposed to. Did I mention the naked Aruban girls? Aladdin came out ahead in the deal.
Uncle Rue, story guy.
I just want to say that I didn’t say seawitch wasn’t nice. The mermaid in the story said she wasn’t nice. And it was the Sea Witch, not seawitch. Also it was just the mermaid in the story it wasn’t The Mermaid at all!
In other news, Romeo and Juliet is really getting bogged down in production. There’s a metric ass-load of dialog in there for some reason.
I’d also take it as a personal favor if the official version of Goldilocks vs. Godzilla showed up. I’d owe you one.
-Rue.