# The Rules **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 10, 2004, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490 "2004-02-10T18:40:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/21 "2004-02-11T14:16:28Z")
> [@BiblioCat](#): > > 135a. If there are plenty of empty seats in the theater, don’t sit in the seats right smack-dab in front of us. You have the whole freaking theater from which to chose seats. Why, for the Love of Lowe’s, must you sit right in front of us? In a smaller theater, the"sweet spot" (the group of seats with the best view) may be tiny. Thus, in a sparsely attended movie, you may well have the bulk of people sitting in a relatively small area. ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/22 "2004-02-11T14:30:16Z")
#27 Parents of preteens, do not send you children out into the world if they are not ready. Do teach them that they should not beg for money from strangers at the concession stand. If they have 3.50, they can get a popcorn or runts but not both. Also, they need to know that just because their parents are not around, its still not appropriate to have a curse be every other word. ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/23 "2004-02-11T14:36:31Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > If the place is pretty much empty and you are tall, DO NOT sit in front of the shortest person in the place. 1. Don’t be short. You’re just asking for trouble, ya midgets 😛 . ---
**Author:** ![cowgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@cowgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cowgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/24 "2004-02-11T14:39:24Z")
#364: When watching _The Graduate_, please refrain from masturbating and grunting to yourself every time Anne Bancroft appears on screen. It really grosses out the person sitting in front of you. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/25 "2004-02-11T14:50:52Z")
#364 b: Same thing applies to Jessica Tandy in _Driving Miss Daisy_. #365: Don’t let your ten year old son and three friends sit in the back of any theatre armed with M&Ms. ---
**Author:** ![Chastain86](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Chastain86](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chastain86)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/26 "2004-02-11T14:58:11Z")
#41: There is **NEVER, EVER** an acceptable reason to pretend you’re Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot at the theater. If you feel the need to keep a running commentary on the movie, I’m going to feel the need to break my foot off in your ass once we reach the lobby. #42: Wiping your greasy, butter-dripping fingers on the seat in front of you is a good way to earn another foot-wedged sphincter. #43: Do I even need to touch on restroom etiquette? If all the urinals are open, except for the one I’m at, **don’t farking stand next to me.** Use a little common sense. Some of us don’t come to the theater so we can be toolgazed. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/27 "2004-02-11T15:11:30Z")
#911: Put your feet on the back of my chair and pretend you’re Neil Peart one more time and you’ll leave the theatre looking like a frog departing a French restaurant. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/28 "2004-02-11T15:34:02Z")
> [@Jennyrosity](#): > > 1. Don’t be short. You’re just asking for trouble, ya midgets 😛 . Be nice to us shorties. Or one day we’ll form an army! Lead by me and my shortie boyfriend. And _then_ you’ll be sorry! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/29 "2004-02-11T15:40:22Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > Be nice to us shorties. Or one day we’ll form an army! Lead by me and my shortie boyfriend. And _then_ you’ll be sorry! 😉 True. An army of short people? We’d never see it coming… ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/30 "2004-02-11T15:47:16Z")
> [@AngelicGemma](#): > > Be nice to us shorties. Or one day we’ll form an army! Lead by me and my shortie boyfriend. And _then_ you’ll be sorry! 😉 :: patting you on the head :: SURE YOU WILL! You spunky gal! ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/31 "2004-02-11T16:01:42Z")
> [@Chastain86](#): > > #41: There is **NEVER, EVER** an acceptable reason to pretend you’re Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot at the theater. If you feel the need to keep a running commentary on the movie, I’m going to feel the need to break my foot off in your ass once we reach the lobby. > > #42: Wiping your greasy, butter-dripping fingers on the seat in front of you is a good way to earn another foot-wedged sphincter. > > #43: Do I even need to touch on restroom etiquette? If all the urinals are open, except for the one I’m at, **don’t farking stand next to me.** Use a little common sense. Some of us don’t come to the theater so we can be toolgazed. Heh. He said, "toolgazed. Heh. Rule 261 (applies to the employees of the cinema): Please make some sort of effort to say please and thank-you to the poor sap who’s been robbed of $10 for a lousy coke and popcorn. Just fucking try to act enthusiastic. At least you have a fucking job. ---
**Author:** ![IrreverentTone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@IrreverentTone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IrreverentTone)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/32 "2004-02-11T16:53:16Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. Don’t eat/drink the majority of someone elses popcorn/sweets/coke because you’re too tight to buy your own. 2a) Don’t eat/drink the majority of someone elses popcorn/sweets/coke because you were not hungry/on a diet when standing in the concession line. If you suddenly could eat a bear/decide diets are evil then go buy your own food! ---
**Author:** ![av8rmike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/33 "2004-02-11T17:06:43Z")
> [@Cartooniverse](#): > > Many of us find “Inconsiderate Cel-Phone Man” to be very hilarious. It is NOT shown so you can then talk about how funny it was during the subsequent 16 minutes of trailers. > > It’s supposed to remind you to be polite. That includes not talking nonstop whilst other patrons are attempting vainly to pay attention to the upcoming movies. You can hear enough to talk during the trailers? Normally those things are so freaking loud I feel like I should’ve brought earplugs to the theater. ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Matrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/34f0e0/32.png) [@Red\_Matrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Matrix)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/34 "2004-02-11T17:21:58Z")
1. If you (party “B”) feel the need to talk to party “C” during a movie, you forfeit the right to ask party “A” (Who What Where When Why) questions. :mad: I hate it when i’m party A, or C. When I become party B, i dont’ ask! ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/35 "2004-02-11T17:34:33Z")
> [@Jennyrosity](#): > > True. An army of short people? We’d never see it coming… Lol. Exactly! > [@jarbabyj](#): > > :: patting you on the head :: SURE YOU WILL! You spunky gal! I get the feeling _someone_ doesn’t believe me. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/36 "2004-02-11T20:52:26Z")
RULE 87; When wishing to produce laughter and general mayhem, the likes of which the planet has never seen, one should roll up tiny pieces of white paper napkin (the size of the general popcorn population) and serreptitiously place in bucket of neighboring moviegoers’ popcorn. Witnessing the reaction from said fellow moviegoer should produce spastic convulsive attempts to suppress great volumes of laughter. Apply technique only to those whom you`re certain you “can take”. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/37 "2004-02-11T21:09:46Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > In a smaller theater, the"sweet spot" (the group of seats with the best view) may be tiny. Thus, in a sparsely attended movie, you may well have the bulk of people sitting in a relatively small area. So skip a row and sit there. Or sit over a few seats. When the theater is basically empty, and I’ve had the wisdom to get there early and pick my “sweet spot” seat first, don’t mess things up and sit right in front of me when there are plenty of other seats to choose from. ```auto Rule 135b: Adults at Kid's Movies: When I'm there with my kids, and you're there with your kids, and you have no choice but to sit in front of us, put *your* kids in front of *my* kids. Don't put your kids in front of me, and then sit your 6'2" self in front of my 7-year-old. I can see around you; he can't. ``` ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/38 "2004-02-11T21:16:23Z")
327: If you’re going to tell me “No, you don’t need to pause it!” while you get up, wander into the kitchen, get a drink, set the drink down, wander into the bathroom, use the bathroom, wander back into the kitchen, get your drink, then come and sit back down, DON’T ASK “WHAT HAPPENED?” WHEN YOU RETURN FROM YOUR NOMADIC JOURNEY! By going on walkabout, you give up all rights to know what’s going on. You should’ve asked me to pause it. 328: Don’t start asking “Who’s that? Why’s he doing that?”, etc. five minutes into the movie. Chances are, the movie will make things clear. 329: If my girlfriend and I are the only two people in the theater, don’t sit one row behind us. It’s creepy and weird. Especially if it’s stadium-style, every-seat-is-alright kinda seating. You weirdo. 330: If you’re going to call someone in the theater on your cellphone, you have no right to get indignant when I pelt you with ice cubes from my Coke. And I know I could take you. I only fling ice at people I can take. 331: If your choice is between 1. The two open seats in the middle of an otherwise full row and 2. A lot of open aisle seats, do not come shoving into my otherwise full row. 332: Don’t mutter about how violent the movie is in the middle of the movie. If you came to see _Kill Bill_ and didn’t expect magnificent violence, you’re a moron. Get out of my theater. 333: If you’re going to pump your kid full of sugar and caffiene, have the decency to take him to _Finding Nemo_ and not anything Rated R For Violence. Though to be honest, most of the kids in kids movies I’ve seen have been better behaved than the ones that parents drag to late late violent movies. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/39 "2004-02-11T21:52:14Z")
> [@Jennyrosity](#): > > 1. Don’t be short. You’re just asking for trouble, ya midgets 😛 . It’s much easier to chop a tall person in half than it is to make a short person grow. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2004, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490/40 "2004-02-11T21:56:22Z")
> [@GMRyujin](#): > > 327: If you’re going to tell me “No, you don’t need to pause it!” while you get up, wander into the kitchen, get a drink, set the drink down, wander into the bathroom, use the bathroom, wander back into the kitchen, get your drink, then come and sit back down, DON’T ASK “WHAT HAPPENED?” WHEN YOU RETURN FROM YOUR NOMADIC JOURNEY! By going on walkabout, you give up all rights to know what’s going on. You should’ve asked me to pause it. This one applies specifically to my husband. :rolleyes: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-rules/228490.md?page=3)