# The SDMB Bulwer-Lytton game **URL:** \ **Category:** Thread Games\ **Created:** [August 18, 2021, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085 "2021-08-18T09:59:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2021, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/1 "2021-08-18T09:59:07Z")
In this game, we try to write the worst opening sentence of a novel. This game is inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton contest: > **[Home | The Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest](https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)** > > Welcome to the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest! Basically, we’re trying to write the worst opening sentence (not sentenc_es_; one sentence only) to a novel. Past examples are at the link above, if you want to see what we’re aiming for. I propose that we use categories, each open for a few days or so. These categories might be “science-fiction,” “action-adventure,” “romantic comedy,” “western,” “horror,” or pretty much any much any novel genre that you think might work. One category might be “Open,” which is fine, and one you might use when you cannot think of anything else. The winner is the judge, and chooses what he or she believes to be the worst entry. That winner selects the next category. Ready? Here we go: **OPEN** : Jingles the cat sniffed his toys, and wandered over to his food dish, which was full, but not as much as Jingles liked it, nor was his water bowl as full as Jingles liked it, but his plaintive meows fell on deaf ears while his owner, Jerry Cromwell, was trying to complete a stock trade online. ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2021, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/2 "2021-08-18T10:42:15Z")
Open: When Harry felt the rumbling in his guts, he thought of the mayonnaise he had had for breakfast and knew instantly that the evening would become a rough ride. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2021, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/3 "2021-08-18T12:28:52Z")
Open: Ruprecht wept inwardly in thralls of self-abomination, cursing his blighted existence and denying even the possibility of a benign superior power who could care about the fate of an individual person in a world so corrupt, even as he sold Mrs. Kennickady a seventh life insurance policy. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2021, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/4 "2021-08-19T23:31:37Z")
I rather like @Prof.Pepperwinkle 's effort, so post a category, Professor, and we’ll try again. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2021, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/5 "2021-08-20T01:11:19Z")
Very well. “Gothic Horror” Elspeth trembled as she knelt beside the velvet curtains (deep, almost blood red, but not quite incarnadine, more sliding into maroon perhaps, maybe even mauve, and flecked with faux gold dots) that led into the Conservatory where Lord Chester angrily, impatiently, yea, even maniacally awaited her simpering fawning presence. ---
**Author:** ![Quondam\_Mechanic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quondam_mechanic/32/3404_2.png) [@Quondam\_Mechanic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quondam_Mechanic)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2021, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/6 "2021-08-20T01:56:30Z")
The count strode purposefully into the great hall, among the heraldic emblems and ancient tapestries, before the great stone fireplace, whose mantel was surmounted by ceremonial arms, as he mused to himself, “Why the hell did I walk into this room?” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2021, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/7 "2021-08-20T05:38:32Z")
Chestington Manor loomed over the estate, much like a mountain might loom over a village, or a tall man might loom over a shorter one; and on this dark and stormy night, with thunderclaps and lightning flashes, took on even more sinister connotations, given its peaked arches, multiple chimneys, and one window that had any light inside it; and it was by that window, lit only by an oil lamp, that Giles sat, writing a _billet-doux_ to Penelope, his betrothed. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2021, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/8 "2021-08-20T17:21:51Z")
That round goeth to: # Quondam\_Mechanic! Pick a category, will you? ---
**Author:** ![Quondam\_Mechanic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quondam_mechanic/32/3404_2.png) [@Quondam\_Mechanic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quondam_Mechanic)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2021, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/9 "2021-08-20T19:49:21Z")
Prithee, let me pick a category and then _not_ both enter and judge the contest. How about science fiction? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2021, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/10 "2021-08-20T19:51:49Z")
Ehon Bul-Tarnakh-Aulf of the Ninth Kivox transpollited the redistorated mallachine to the Inner Moon of Poultravion, all the while whispling a singh of sadgepot, which caused him to crudge. ---
**Author:** ![Quondam\_Mechanic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quondam_mechanic/32/3404_2.png) [@Quondam\_Mechanic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quondam_Mechanic)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2021, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/11 "2021-08-21T15:34:02Z")
Not in play: I’m going to be out of town for a week or so; sorry to cut off the teeming flood of entrants so early. **Prof. Pepperwinkle** is the winner – duh! – and I hope some other participants will get in on this. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2021, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/12 "2021-08-21T16:26:41Z")
It’s an honor just to be nominated. Let’s go with **Western** ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2021, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/13 "2021-08-22T07:48:55Z")
Johnny looked around the saloon, with its wood trim, its elegant prostitutes upstairs luring the customers, the poker players at their table, the rinky-dink piano player playing hits of the day, such as they were, and wondered, “When does the next stagecoach leave this beat-up town for Kansas City?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2021, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/14 "2021-08-24T16:29:19Z")
All right, **Spoons**! You’ve beaten all the competition. 😀 Your turn. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2021, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/15 "2021-08-24T20:09:06Z")
We need to get more competition, but as long as we’re having fun. Okay, let’s try … **ROMANCE**. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2021, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/16 "2021-08-24T20:45:12Z")
Berenice, dazzling in the window in her low-cut evening gown that bespoke of trysts in the moonlight 'neath the swaying arbor of jasmine-scented groves beside a delightedly babbling brook, farted. ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_Godot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/buck_godot/32/6573_2.png) [@Buck\_Godot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Godot)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2021, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/17 "2021-08-24T22:26:53Z")
Entranced by her luscous thighs the color of pouched cod, her boosums heaving like water baloons rubbing against each other like lovers in the heights of pasion, and her eyes which sparkled like diamonds on the fourth of july, he said those wonderful heartfelt words that would spark the torrid romance that would change their lives and the fate of the world forever “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2021, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/18 "2021-08-25T22:53:22Z")
I think this one has to go to @Buck_Godot . An excellent entry! Okay, Buck, it’s your turn to select a category, and do the judging. ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_Godot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/buck_godot/32/6573_2.png) [@Buck\_Godot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Godot)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2021, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/19 "2021-08-26T15:59:39Z")
OK, Action Thriller (e.g. Tom Clancy) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2021, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085/20 "2021-08-26T16:54:07Z")
Jack “Jet” MacMacamac smiled at his reflection in the mirror as he holstered his stealth TJ-99 revolver right beside his pocket flamethrower – it was a normal mission with only a 3% chance he’d survive, but he wasn’t worried, no, not Jet Macamac, he never sweated the little stuff, no, not Jet Macamac, he only sweated in the sauna, the way real men are supposed to sweat, real men like Jet Macamacamacamac, even now walking through the doorway to certain doom and smiling. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-bulwer-lytton-game/949085.md?page=2)