# The SDMB Newbie Rites of Initiation (or
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [December 6, 2000, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369 "2000-12-06T20:38:44Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/1 "2000-12-06T20:38:44Z")
Fellow Dopers,
**struuter** (dare I say the _legendary_ **struuter**?) and I shamelessly hijacked [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=49710) thread to discuss the lack of a true standard by which to judge Newbies versus Regulars (“made men,” so to speak.) We both thought that post count alone is a poor indicator, because certain posters make a name for themselves quickly due to the quality of their writing, whereas the more prosaic among us have to make due with pure name recognition, and boy, does that take time.
We hit upon the Adopt-A-Newbie idea as a sort of SDMB "Big Brother program. Here’s how it works:
1. A Regular (we all know who you are, so don’t be coy) “adopts” a newbie\*. He or she must identify the adoptee.
2. The Regular then outlines the Rite of Initiation, subject to the rules which **struuter** outlined in the aforementioned hijacked thread. Essentially, this is all in fun, so no goat felching allowed (unless of course the Regular and the Newbie agree to it, the sick b@stards.)
3. After the Newbie passes the Initiation to the satisfaction of the Regular, the Newbie is “made,” and can be called a true SDMB’er.
- Alternately, a Newbie can adopt a Regular who he/she wishes to be in charge of their Initiation. The Regular must, of course, agree.
So, what say ye, Dopers? How bad do you want it?
Incidentally, this ain’t a fraternity, so let’s keep the singing the SDMB _alma mater_ in yer undies in the freezing cold to a minimum, huh?
One other thing. Hands off **struuter**. She’s **my** Regular. She’ll be guiding me through the dark, sordid (shudder with delight) maze of SDMB Initiation.
Capisce? 🙂
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### Author:  [@McMurphy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McMurphy)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/2 "2000-12-06T20:44:00Z")
LOL!! Cool idea Ogre.
Just so long as you remember, a newbie is for life, not just for Christmas.
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### Author:  [@NothingMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NothingMan)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/3 "2000-12-06T20:51:22Z")
How hard is this ?
Don’t be an idiot, and don’t be a jerk.
There, I have given vast knowledge to every newcomer here.
No adopt-a-pet needed. In my opinion we do not need “Big Brother” keepers. If someone can’t figure it out on their own the basically . . .
screw 'em.
My .02 cents.
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### Author:  [@stargazer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stargazer)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/4 "2000-12-06T20:53:55Z")
ooh! ohh! someone adopt me! I’ll be very good, I promise. Or very bad, if y’like. 😉
_sits patiently, waiting for her new family_
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### Author:  [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/5 "2000-12-06T21:07:20Z")
Well said, Ogre. Nicely done. (I especially liked the ‘sick b@stards’ part. heh heh)
I’m going to need some time to devise a rite fitting an ‘Ogre.’ 😉 Research and all, you know. I want this to be fun for you. (I’m chaotic good so you’re safe…maybe)
I’m also open to suggestions. Now, how nice is that? 😉
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### Author:  [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/6 "2000-12-06T21:07:31Z")
> [@](#):
>
> How hard is this ?
>
> Don’t be an idiot, and don’t be a jerk.
>
> There, I have given vast knowledge to every newcomer here.
>
> No adopt-a-pet needed. In my opinion we do not need “Big Brother” keepers. If someone can’t figure it out on their own the basically . . .
>
> screw 'em.
>
> My .02 cents.
Note, NothingMan. This is MPSIMS. This is supposed to be fun, not some grand analysis of a person’s worth. Don’t be a wet blanket.
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### Author:  [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/7 "2000-12-06T21:07:42Z")
This is kind of an interesting idea, and I’d like to get in to it, but I have a small problem.
If I were to “adopt a newbie,” it’d have to be a newbie as mundane & pointless as myself. Can’t have one that roams around the board, ya know. You see, I’m what’s known in polite circles as an “utter moron.”
I read the other boards, but I tend not to post in them (with the exception of a few GD & Pit posts). I just don’t do well against people with an actual clue.
I do, however, enjoy being worshipped, catered to, and sucked up to. And right now, there’s a newbie who’s done a fairly decent job of being appropriately respectful of me. His name is **Tygr.** So, if he’d like, I will adopt him and be his MPSIMS mentor. If he wants another buddy for the other forums, he’s gonna have to look elsewhere. 😃
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### Author:  [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/8 "2000-12-06T21:14:01Z")
You take all the time you need. This needs to be _just right_! 😉
I shall wait with bated breath and barely controlled anticipation. And a few suggestions.
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### Author:  [@HannibalV](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HannibalV)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/9 "2000-12-06T21:46:14Z")
Count me in. If anyone should volunteer, I’ll be more than happy to be taken underwing.
Which sounds much dirtier than it should, but…
And hey, when is the official hazing?
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### Author:  [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/10 "2000-12-06T21:53:52Z")
Ogre…
While I haven’t definitively formulated your actual rites…I have one request thus far. Now, while I don’t expect you to be a thaumaturgist, I would bask in the panache you are known for. I understand that you’d like to become matriculated to the SDMB ranks… and I would be a…oh, hell…a kraken if I denied you. I promise not to utterly bore you–being the victim of defestration is not on my ‘to do’ list. But if you’ll have patience with me, I’m sure we can form some sort of…syzygy…you, me and the SDMB.
_gasp_ That was awful. Sorry. But you can’t blame a girl for trying.
So here’s my request. I want you to say something truly beautiful to me. In German. (please include the translation, please?)
😃 How’s that for starters?
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### Author:  [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/11 "2000-12-06T21:58:24Z")
All right, my children. Who wants an UncleMentor?
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### Author:  [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/12 "2000-12-06T22:04:15Z")
UncleBeer, pick me!!!
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### Author:  [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/13 "2000-12-06T22:05:40Z")
Are you going to break up into Families? Most cities (boards) have more than one Family, and one of the benefits of being a Made Man was another Family whacking you could be considered an act of war (a street soldier, no made, was not an act of war). NY has 5 Families. The afctions can co-exist and have alliances, espesially with other Families in other cities (boards).
I was gonna suggest a Commission led by the Capo de Tutti Capi, and name Cecil, but calling him Don Adams didn’t fit…
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### Author:  [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/14 "2000-12-06T22:06:26Z")
Surely you jest, my dear!
Ask and ye shall receive (I always say. Except to that weird guy who lives downstairs and tries to grab my butt whenever I pass him. OK, not really, but it was a funny picture. Anyway…). Just give me some time to compose a reply.
In German? Ouch. It’s been a while.
🙂
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### Author:  [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/15 "2000-12-06T22:16:20Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Persephone \*
> \*\*If I were to “adopt a newbie,” it’d have to be a newbie as mundane & pointless as myself. Can’t have one that roams around the board, ya know. You see, I’m what’s known in polite circles as an “utter moron.”
>
> I do, however, enjoy being worshipped, catered to, and sucked up to. And right now, there’s a newbie who’s done a fairly decent job of being appropriately respectful of me. His name is **Tygr.** So, if he’d like, I will adopt him and be his MPSIMS mentor. If he wants another buddy for the other forums, he’s gonna have to look elsewhere. 😃 \*\*
(To the accompanying wafts of smelling salts) “Huh, wha? She said my name? She wants to be my what? Ohhh…” (goes lightheaded again)
Wow. I come up for air from the mistletoe party and look what I find. I’m honored and humbled.
Lessee… “mundane & pointless”, “Can’t…roam around the board”, “utter moron”.
Yup, I fit the criteria!
Thank you for choosing me, o high and mighty Mistress Persephone! Hand me your boots, I’m ready to lick…
:D:D:D:D **O happiness that a thousand orgasms would not o’ershadow!** :D:D:D:D
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### Author:  [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/16 "2000-12-06T22:26:50Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by struuter \*
> \*\*Ogre…
> While I haven’t definitively formulated your actual rites…I have one request thus far. Now, while I don’t expect you to be a thaumaturgist, I would bask in the panache you are known for. I understand that you’d like to become matriculated to the SDMB ranks… and I would be a…oh, hell…a kraken if I denied you. I promise not to utterly bore you–being the victim of defestration is not on my ‘to do’ list. But if you’ll have patience with me, I’m sure we can form some sort of…syzygy…you, me and the SDMB.
>
> _gasp_ That was awful. Sorry. But you can’t blame a girl for trying.
>
> So here’s my request. I want you to say something truly beautiful to me. In German. (please include the translation, please?)…
>
> …but why are you a squid?
>
> 😃 How’s that for starters? \*\*
Uh, Struuter - if I may interject - I think you may mean the pharmacological term “synergy” rather than the astronomical “syzygy”, ( I am a nerd on SO many levels) and you may have meant defeNEstration (actually had a prof use that term in his first class… wouldn’t have mattered much, ground floor and all…)
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### Author:  [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/17 "2000-12-06T22:32:46Z")
I’ll actually hold off on the translation until tonight, just to see if anyone gets it (and also to keep you in delightful state of anticipation.) 😉
Enjoy.
Das Sonne Steigen und Sätze in Ihren Augen, struuter, und außerhalb Ihrer Anwesenheit werde ich, ein Kind in der ewigen Nacht verloren. Sie sind die Sonne, das wunderbare, Krone blendend daß dieser Welt sein Leben und Schönheit gibt. Ihre Augen erfreuen mich. Ihr Lächeln blendet mich. Ihr Gemüt schwankt mich. Sie sind ein Engel perched am höchsten Punkt des Himmels, Schönheit und der Frieden auf meiner Seele lächelnd die.
Hopefully, this is correct. It’s been a loooong time! 🙂
Ya cute li’l kraken, you! 😃
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### Author:  [@stargazer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stargazer)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/18 "2000-12-06T22:32:46Z")
UncleBeer, pick me, too!! I’ve already smooched you under the mistletoe. Do you have time for two newbie initiates? Pretty please?
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### Author:  [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/19 "2000-12-06T22:35:36Z")
**lurkernomore** ,
Youse wants I should feeds ya to tha fishes? Eh? 🙂
Actually, I like the idea of syzygy. It’s a nice metaphor. Two totally different worlds aligning, coming together…very nice.
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### Author:  [@DynoSaur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DynoSaur)
#### Post date: [December 6, 2000, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/20 "2000-12-06T22:38:41Z")
Well, I don’t take orders well, but I _am_ mundane and pointless.
If I get into the family, can I wear my black shirt with black pinstripes to all the meetings? I’ll do my best to look vaguely threatening.
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