# The SDMB Newbie Rites of Initiation (or

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [December 6, 2000, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369 "2000-12-06T20:38:44Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 10

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**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/181 "2000-12-12T12:02:42Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by blastfurnace \*  
> \*\*Aye-yi captian! I will honor your name here at the SDMB! Now I sail off the wreck havok upon the high-seas of Dopisity!
> 
> ::pilaging to follow::
> 
> (no, I really have no idea why I adopted a pirate theme for this post. Please excuse me, the coffee is wearing off. Now, aaargggg!) \*\*

_practices pirate scowls_

Super! Your challenges have officially begun!

If you need to take a time-out of this challenge for any reason, you can let me know by posting it here or emailing me. Address is in the profile.

I’ll post here after you complete each challenge.

You rock, blasty! Good luck, and have fun!

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**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/182 "2000-12-12T20:32:35Z")

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…sorry for the delay. 🙂

1. **tatertot** ’s maiden name is Tate, and her mother is Korean.

2. **super\_head** is my best friend, and I was in his wedding in England.

3. **DAVEW0071** has a seven year old son, and he’s going to get his 70 year old mother a scooter for Christmas. 🙂

4. **Esprix** is gay (no!). OK, OK. For real, he lives in Pennsylvania, and he has played Linus in “Snoopy.”

5. **Falcon** does some consulting for the EPA (hey, howsabout a job?), and she has a cute little [pussy](http://chanceofrain.com/pix/falcon/002.jpg).

6. **FairyChatMom** likes to sail on the Chesapeake, and she also likes to hang out with [horny old guys choking their chicken](http://content.communities.msn.com/isapi/fetch.dll?action=show_photo&ID_Community=FairyChatMom&ID_Topic=2&ID_Message=7)!

7. **spritle** enjoys SCUBA and driving British cars.

8. **Democritus** enjoys California wines, and has three (count 'em) kids.

9. **sunbear** is of Finnish ancestry and is interested in progressive rock.

10. **struuter** hosted **little\*bit** ’s virtual bachelorette party, and she has a healthy yen for male strippers. 🙂

OK. (pant, pant) What next?

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**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/183 "2000-12-12T20:57:59Z")

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Well, well, well. You never cease to amaze me, Ogre. That’s five now, right? So…here is your next labor.

Since gratuitous flirtation is fairly commonplace around these parts, let’s make sure we’ve got you in good working order. (I wouldn’t want anyone saying I didn’t prepare you to be a regular)  
So, how about a virtual date? Kind of akin to Eve’s? I’ll let you decide all the particulars–and I promise to be there with bells on. (On what? Heh heh, just you wait…)  
😃  
I don’t expect a 7 page thread…I just want to make sure you can handle all the lovely women around here. (how did I luck out on this one?)

Your seventh labor is to count how many threads you’ve killed here in MPSIMS…in the last month. This is an exercise in self-acceptance. We all kill them…I don’t want you to think there’s something wrong with you. Too many people feel bad about it. I don’t want you to be one of them.

Your eighth is to name three posters who’ve been banned since you registered. There’s plenty to choose from–yeesh!

When you’ve done that, I’ll give you the last two. And they will be worth it–oh, boy will they.

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**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/184 "2000-12-12T20:59:53Z")

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Seems like I recall WAY back on page one of this thread that Nen was going to give me some newbie rites of initiation also. I wonder what happened to that? Somebody find Nen and poke him in the eye. He needs to get over here and help me become a regular!

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**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/185 "2000-12-12T22:15:45Z")

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The continuing labors of Ogre…

1. Your [date thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=50641) awaits, milady!

2. Ogre, Threadkiller. Believe it or not, I can only find one thread from the past month which I may have killed: “Who Read Uke’s Books Then?” Obviously, I am not posting enough. 🙂

3. Easy! Banned posters abound! I take it **R\_dawg** s 1-137 don’t count? Lessee, there was **oger** (bastard!), **Ablett** , and **R\_dawg**.

I await your pleasure. 🙂

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**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/186 "2000-12-12T22:21:37Z")

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Very good. _wink_ VERY good, as a matter of fact.

For nine and ten–which will be somewhat combined–just keep you eyes peeled.

BTW Ogre, you are an incredibly good sport. You deserve all kinds of big smooches. 🙂

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**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/187 "2000-12-12T22:24:01Z")

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Scratch that. Just keep youR eyes peeled. _sigh_

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**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/188 "2000-12-12T22:36:46Z")

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Scratch that? You mean I don’t deserve all kinds of big smooches? ☹

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**Author:** ![struuter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)\
**Post date:** [December 12, 2000, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/189 "2000-12-12T22:49:23Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Ogre \*  
> \*\*Scratch that? You mean I don’t deserve all kinds of big smooches? ☹ \*\*

Cripes, I can’t post worth a diddley-doo today. Meant to correct my grammar.

As for the big smooches–are you reading the other thread?  
😉 That’s affirmative.

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**Author:** ![kiwiboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/35a633/32.png) [@kiwiboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiwiboy)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/190 "2000-12-13T01:04:11Z")

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Am still waiting for a mentor. Any regulars out there?

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**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/191 "2000-12-13T03:11:17Z")

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Here we are as promised (a little late I realize, but here none the less). I would have more done, but unfortunately the annoying background buzz that is real life rose to a steady whine this week and it just wouldn’t go away (stupid finals week). Now on to some answers…

> [@](#):
>
> **5) Name 4 non-mods from the old AOL board.**

[ul]  
[li] **RJKUgly** [/li][li] **Ruffian** [/li][li] **Diane** [/li]and of course…  
[li] **Kat** [/li][/ul]

> [@](#):
>
> **6) List 5 of my favorite books.**

[ul]  
[li]_Hunter’s Oath_[/li][li]_Hunter’s Death_[/li][li]_Steal the Dragon_[/li][li]_Partners in Necessity_[/li][li]_College of Magics_[/li][/ul]

> [@](#):
>
> \*\*9) Name 3 different kind of “thread themes” that have appeared on the board.

\*\*  
I can only think one of the top of my head, but the “Ask the Gay Guy” type threads spring to mind.

I take it this was what you were looking for. I’ll find more, it shouldn’t bee too hard.

I haven’t had a chance to get to any of the posting tasks, but I will get to them tomorrow hopefully.

And **Welfy**? I wasn’t bailing on you, I thought I would make the decision a little easier by bowing out. If I had a hint at what the prizes were going be though… 😉

I’m sure **Dynosaur** and **StephenG** will make for more than adequate victims though. 🙂

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**Author:** ![Tygr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/df788c/32.png) [@Tygr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tygr)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/192 "2000-12-13T04:17:24Z")

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Oh, happiness! My glorious Mistress has returned! I was about to mount an expedition…

> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Persephone \*  
> \*\*Sorry, friend Tygr. I just had a real “it sucks to be me” weekend, and I’m just now back on my computer. \*\*

Balderdash! Why, in truth to be you is a veritable blessing from…

er… “practicing Pagan”, you say?

Well, it’s a blessing from wherever these things come from!! [sub]Sorry, I’m not up on my blasphemy. Where’d I put that “Book of the Dead”?[/sub]

[/QUOTE]

> [@](#):
>
> \*\*2) How many children do I have? \*\*

“one kid” is not the correct answer. Don’t forget–I said this one was trickier than it seemed. If you don’t have the correct answer by, oh, say Thursday, I’ll give it to you.

[/QUOTE]

> [@](#):
>
> \*\*5) What hobby have I recently undertaken?  
> \*\*

…do I admire your creativity answering this question! Those are good! I’m feeling generous tonight, so I’ll give you another hint: I started a thread about my hobby, and I started it last fall.

Now, get back up there on that dragon, m’boy! 😃 \*\*  
[/QUOTE]

No fear, Milady! The knaves I pass my days with have decided to load my back with their petty concerns (the bastards actually want me to WORK! Damn them…). But I shall prevail! Now, could someone validate my horse…?

[sub]I’m posting from home at the moment. (Don’t worry, Mistress, the wife suspects nothing!) I can’t make a habit of this - all I’m packing here is a 90MHz Mac and a 28.8 modem. (sings)All I want for Christmas is a DSL line and a 500MHz iMac![/sub]

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**Author:** ![Birdie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/71e660/32.png) [@Birdie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Birdie)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/193 "2000-12-13T04:32:36Z")

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My name is Nicole aka Birdie (really)  
I am 19 year-old college girl  
Here is a pic of me and my girlfriend: [Birdie’n’Kale!](http://gurlpages.com/pixiex3/index.html) (don’t judge the page too harshly, i just made it now to put up the picture :))  
i am an art major, who loves cats, swing dancing, and, well, lots of things. i get crushes easily, but i am in love with my girlfriend, kale \<3 i don’t really post a lot, yet, but i like to read things by matt\_mcl and andygirl. i don’t know why, exactly, they just appeal to me 🙂 I am naive and shy and completly incapable of holding a grudge. my friend ben says i am forgiving to a fault. i also tend to babble, as you may have noticed. i usually only read and respond to MPSIMS.

el fin hasta luego. oh, yeah, i also like spanish and have a crush on Jose, who is a swing dancing instructor and who is prolly gay. \<sigh\>

\<3 Birdie

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**Author:** ![Birdie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/71e660/32.png) [@Birdie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Birdie)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/194 "2000-12-13T04:34:33Z")

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awww the url didn’t work ☹ a ver. you’ll just have to trust me that i am cute and so is kale 😃 i am very adoptable! ::big puppy eyes::

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**Author:** ![Sasquatch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@Sasquatch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sasquatch)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/195 "2000-12-13T05:19:38Z")

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Floating down the Nile in a basket…left on your doorstep with nothing but a note…I am the homeless orphan newbie.

So you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Self, why should I adopt Sasquatch?” Well, here’s why:

I’m housebroken. I even hang up towels when I’m done with them, put the toilet seat down, and change the toilet paper tube when it’s empty. I don’t eat or drink much\* I have strange and wonderful hobbies (see [http://www.arcadeparadise.org](http://www.arcadeparadise.org) to see what I’m talking about), and I’m “kid-tested and mother approved”

\*That’s a lie. I’ll consume all of your food and alcohol the first chance that I get.

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**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/196 "2000-12-13T14:28:40Z")

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Deacons Trucked said. “I wanna be adopted!!! Tell me what to do! Beat me, whip me, cover me in peanut butter and put celery in my ear!!”

Let’s not and say we did.

“Seriously…I wanna be adopted. What should I do? Whoever’s up for the challenge, look at my few previous posts to find out more. JEEZ, sounds like a personal ad!! Help this mundane poster flourish into a…a…creamy passion flower of wit and creativity! Dont  
care who it is, but a big strong man would be especially nice. I’ll do anything.”

Hehehhe you really are putting yourself up to it aren’t you? Just remember that I am pure evil on the board. Not a troll (well I think I am not a troll.) I will get you a good newbie initiation rite. 🙂

“Within reason.”

I will ignore that as it is too subjective.

“I would love a more interesting challenge than merely scanning your previous posts to find miscellaneous info on you. Like something outside this board such as obscure trivia?? C’mon…get creative. I love a challenge.”

I will take that into consideration. Hmmm. So let’s see what should I do.

You will be a newbie until you have been here for 3 months.

1. In that time you will have to start a thread in every forum (if you don’t know what a forum is I can’t help you and will no longer adopt you.) The threads you start should also have more than 20 responses and only one response from you counts. (Heheheh, that is the hard part from a newbie.)

2. You also have to start a thread here cutting and pasting this post into it and title it Deacons Trucked’s initiation rites by Sqrl. In that thread you have to keep us updated on where you are in the current initiation process. (Hint: this is a place to pad your post count.) Also, in this thread you should state that explicit help on any of the informational requirements are not allowed. If you exclude this then I will have to put you up in the SDMB orphanage.

3. Hi Opal. \<— Find out and post what that means and then practice it.

4. Next, you will have to denounce your god and worship me for all eternity. Wait everyone already does that because I am fabulous. 😉 Just kidding, you don’t really have to do that one.

5. Then you should tell us about the LBMB incident and what came from it. Oh, you have to find out what the LBMB is first and give at least one name of someone who was there and is now here. Oh while we are at you can get extra points by telling us where the semi-normal LBMB people went after they left LBMB.

6. You have to find out my email address. I post it around sometimes but it is not public. And send me some naked pictures of Ed Asner and Santa Claus. I will verify that you did this on your MPSIMS thread about your initiation that you are to start 🙂

7. Then last you have to give us some good, juicy gossip on yourself.

HUGS!  
Sqrl

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**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/197 "2000-12-13T14:38:16Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by SqrlCub \*  
> \*\*
> 
> And send me some naked pictures of Ed Asner  
> HUGS!  
> Sqrl
> 
> \*\*

I hope tisiphone noticed this part Sqrl 😉

Keith

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**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/198 "2000-12-13T16:00:23Z")

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Sqrl! You’re gonna make him start a thread in _every_ forum?? Even the _Pit?_

Oooooh. You’re _baaaaaaaad!_

Good luck, Deacons! 😃

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**Author:** ![Deacons\_Trucked](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d78d45/32.png) [@Deacons\_Trucked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deacons_Trucked)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/199 "2000-12-13T16:01:37Z")

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…what have I gotten myself into? Thanks **SqrlCub** …funny that as soon as I had realized the novelty of this adoption thing had worn off and I was no longer interested, you come along and accepted. _sigh_

Well maybe I’ll give it a shot. I think I’m below a mere “newbie” though…I often get a feeling that I dont really belong here at all. So we’ll see what I can do.

And btw, what the hell are “BML” and “typetwink”??? I wasn’t being serious about wanting a “bear/cub” debate anyway.

Thanks again…you can email me if you need to.

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**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\
**Post date:** [December 13, 2000, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-newbie-rites-of-initiation-or/44369/200 "2000-12-13T16:44:43Z")

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I can email you if I need to? heheheh Almost a good trick. I see through you. 😉 You ask me to adopt you and now you don’t want me? Perhaps you would do better staying in the SDMB orphanage. 😉

“Typetwink” is what I call the gay people who are stuck on themselves because they believe they epitomize a specific type. To me that just puts them into the negative twinkie version of whatever they believe themselves to be.

BML= Bear Mailing List. I avoid that place like the plague.

Odie, glad I could be of service. Next you will have to marry me. 😉 hehehehe

Persephone, hehehe I thought it was evil. By the time he gets all of those things done he will be a recognized poster and have enough board history/information that he will be able to get some of the nuances that are around and hopefully give him some ideas of things not to do.

HUGS!  
Sqrl

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