# The SDMB relationship rules **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 3, 2011, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335 "2011-08-03T16:55:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/1 "2011-08-03T16:55:30Z")
I’m noticing in these “what do you regret” threads that a lot of regrets are based on relationships. It seems like a lot of us have ome hard won wisdom. Let’s put it together with a list of simple rules. I’ll start: When the relationship is over, end it. Don’t buy guys drinks. Make the booty call come to you. Use your early 20s to “taste the rainbow.” There will be plenty of time to play house. Lay out you expectations early…it’s actually more fun when you know the terms. Don’t lie. The other woman never wins. You’ll reap as much pain as you cause. Don’t do it. If choosing between a life changing opportunity and a failing relationship, go with the opportunity. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/2 "2011-08-03T17:03:12Z")
Moving thread from IMHO to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/3 "2011-08-03T17:04:26Z")
When everyone you know thinks your mate is not a very good match for you, at least consider that they might be right. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/4 "2011-08-03T17:10:29Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Don’t buy guys drinks. Why not, if I may ask. Plenty of times when I do someone a favor and they want to do something in return, I’ll say, “you can buy me a drink sometime”. I never expect anything in return, but it has paid off well over the years. I’ll be out and about and have the bartender set a drink down in front of me, courtesy of the lady. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/5 "2011-08-03T17:10:32Z")
Leave after the first act of physical violence. Otherwise you’re just given permission to be a personal punching bag. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/6 "2011-08-03T18:00:42Z")
AFAICT in every relationship thread at least one of the first ten posts advises the OP to dump the relationship. The rule I would add, not because it is frequently observed but because it should be, is “we are only getting one side of the story”. That’s not to say that the OP is always to be disbelieved, but it is something to keep in mind. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/7 "2011-08-03T18:05:23Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Don’t buy guys drinks. > Make the booty call come to you. On the former, why not buy guys drink? On the latter, if A and B have a booty call, at least one of them must come to the other, they cannot both have the other come to them. In order for one person to abide by that rule, another person \*must \*break it. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/8 "2011-08-03T18:52:30Z")
You can buy a guy one drink. But don’t keep buying a guy drinks to keep him hanging around or entice him out. For one, if that works he probably drinks too much. And two, if he likes you then he doesn’t need the promise of drinks to want to be around you and you guys don’t need to get liquored up to go to bed. It’s a bad scene, and don’t make a habit out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/9 "2011-08-03T19:02:42Z")
Don’t stick your dick in the crazy. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/10 "2011-08-03T19:06:58Z")
No matter how invested you are in the relationship, how hard you fell, or how long you’ve been together, when people show you who they really are, (and they do so, all the freaking time!), your job is to **see**! Do not turn away, do not make excuses for them, do not minimalize or equivocate. Man up and decide what you’re going to do about it. And remember you are your actions not your intentions in the end. Own your actions and embrace your choices. It’s no good, in the fullness of time to blame someone else for your poor choices or actions. No one makes you react this way or that. But if I’d known this… Save it. They are your actions and your choices. Own them even if they were mistakes, it makes moving forward to a healthier place much, much, more possible. When you find yourself repeating mistakes/patterns you’ve made before, look hard at yourself. There is something you’re not seeing. If you don’t own ‘your’ part in bad relationships, you are doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes. You have some ownership in everything that happens to you. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/11 "2011-08-03T19:19:09Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > The rule I would add, not because it is frequently observed but because it should be, is “we are only getting one side of the story”. That’s not to say that the OP is always to be disbelieved, but it is something to keep in mind. I rarely agree with you. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/12 "2011-08-03T19:25:46Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > You can buy a guy one drink. > > But don’t keep buying a guy drinks to keep him hanging around or entice him out. For one, if that works he probably drinks too much. And two, if he likes you then he doesn’t need the promise of drinks to want to be around you and you guys don’t need to get liquored up to go to bed. It’s a bad scene, and don’t make a habit out of it. I was puzzled by the gender in your sentence too. Is it OK for a guy to buy a lady drinks? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/13 "2011-08-03T19:27:29Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > You can buy a guy one drink. > > But don’t keep buying a guy drinks to keep him hanging around or entice him out. Are there actually women out of there plying men with alcohol? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/14 "2011-08-03T19:36:15Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > You can buy a guy one drink. > > But don’t keep buying a guy drinks to keep him hanging around or entice him out. For one, if that works he probably drinks too much. And two, if he likes you then he doesn’t need the promise of drinks to want to be around you and you guys don’t need to get liquored up to go to bed. It’s a bad scene, and don’t make a habit out of it. Oh, for Ford’s sake. Look, it’s not unreasonable for a guy and a girl to say “I’ll pick up this round, you pick up the next one” when they’re hanging out. I’d go so far as to say it’s perfectly all right on an actual date - I’m a bit old-skool, in that I prefer to pick up the bulk of expenses on a date, but if a girl wants to pick up a couple rounds? Thanks! I do think there’s a good point here - relationships that depend on alcohol to work are bad. Granted. But the rest of this post was phrased rather oddly. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/15 "2011-08-03T19:37:17Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Are there actually women out of there plying men with alcohol? And can I have their numbers? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Athena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/35a633/32.png) [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/16 "2011-08-03T19:39:50Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > The other woman never wins. You’ll reap as much pain as you cause. Don’t do it. I know of several very successful relationships that started out as affairs. I’m not saying it’s smart or not painful or a good way to go, but to say that happy, long-term relationships never start as affairs or that the other woman/other man never “wins” (which is a dumb way to put it but I get what you mean) is incorrect. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/17 "2011-08-03T19:42:28Z")
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: The only person you can change is yourself. Yes, people can and do change, but the chances are slim to none that they’re going to change _for you_. If you find yourself saying, “S/he’d be perfect if only s/he would just…” snap out of it. You have to deal with this person as they are, not how you wish they were\*. And this applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. It sucks to have to deal with crappy people, be they family, friends, or acquaintances, but it sucks a lot less when you approach them as the crappy people they are, and not the lovely people you want them to be. \*You always get one, _maybe_ two polite requests on an issue: “I don’t know if you were aware, but it bothers me/insults me/scares me/makes me happy/turns me on when you X. Could you try not to do that again/do that more often?” But after that, you can assume they know your feelings on the matter. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/18 "2011-08-03T19:45:58Z")
Never sell yourself on a relationship because she/he ‘will change’ - what you see is what you get - it probably isn’t going to get better simply because you marry, have a baby, put out. And to confuse things… Never sell yourself on a relationship based on “he/she won’t change.” People change. They gain ten pounds. They stop being sex kittens and sometimes become overtired parents who manage to put out once a week. They get depressed, they get ill. They develop problems. Some of these become deal breakers that shouldn’t be tolerated, but most shouldn’t be the end of the relationship - they are just life. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/19 "2011-08-03T20:09:03Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Are there actually women out of there plying men with alcohol? How do you think I know this? If the ex you miss badly is an alcoholic, he’ll keep coming around your place if you have good liquor.Buy a bottle of his favorite a few days before he gets paid and suddenly he’ll return your calls! If you invite the unemployed artist to hipper bars than his real girlfriend can afford, he’ll find a weekend night for you. That British guy who is probably gay? He’ll stay a while after the dinner party if you have the makings of a good G&T. Even the guy you have a good relationship with will lose respect if he catches you tripping over yourself to keep him happy. Anything that is close to jumping through hoops, if done regularly, can cheapen what you have. I think I lost a good one by signalling to clearly that I’d do anything to keep things smooth. He loses motivation to treat you well. It’s the same effect as regularly accepting non-date booty calls. It’s not so much playing hard to get as it is keeping standards high. Note this doesn’t mean he should buy all your drinks. Just that things should even out in the end. And don’t serve him your Bombay if he’s serving you Winner’s Cup at his place. Bad, bad choices that get you nowhere but broke. Of course, you never tell yourself you are plying them with booze. You think you are being friendly, a good hostess, modern, fun and excitingly aggressive. In my defense, they were all really hot. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335/20 "2011-08-03T20:14:18Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > The other woman never wins. You’ll reap as much pain as you cause. Don’t do it. This would be news to my Cheatin’ Ex. Admittedly it didn’t happen until Married Man #4 or 5, but they’ve been married themselves now for rising 15 years and AFAIK they’re no worse off than most. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sdmb-relationship-rules/591335.md?page=2)