# The Sign in Front of This One Church (With Extra Blasphemy!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 23, 2003, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739 "2003-06-23T11:15:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/61 "2003-06-24T12:31:08Z")
I just hope God’s refrigerator is neater than mine. I keep having to take stuff out and pile it on the counter to get to the stuff in the back. This also involved periodically opening containers to verify what’s in them, and then deciding whether it’s still worth keeping. Generally if it’s green and fuzzy it gets dumped in the trash. It gets difficult when I have a cold, because then the sniff test is unreliable. Of course, God probably doesn’t have these problems. His fridge is probably always clean, with the leftovers in neatly labelled containers and only one jar of everything. (I always seem to have two jars of barbeque sauce. Admittedly they’re different flavors, but still…) I can’t picture Him standing there sniffing something and then turning to St. Peter and saying, “Does this smell okay to you?” ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/62 "2003-06-24T14:11:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > \*\*But **kiwi** , I _do_ post everyday. See? Here it is another day and here I am posting. You get your wish. Aren’t you lucky? > > And God wouldn’t have to worry about the feathers for two resons: > > 1. He has lots of black raspberry juice to wash it down with if He were to half-swallow a feather. > & > B. I was talking about the shoe polish. No feathers there. [sub](What? Really? Are you sure?)[/sub] > > I mean: > B. Yes, I was talking about kiwifruit. > > Oh great!So now God takes us for _decorations_? So does he put us under bell jars to keep us clean? Or is there a Dusting Angel? Or does he just let us get all hairy until He can’t stand it anymore and He takes a leaf blower to His study? So many questions. > > I think God would have the egg trays with the little dips in them so the eggs won’t roll around and fall and crack. One of those dozen and a half jobbies. That’s what I think. But here’s the twist: everytime God opens His 'frige, his egg tray is stocked with just the eggs He wants. He opens His 'frige for ostrich eggs, there they are. He opens his 'frige for hummingbird eggs, there _they_ are. I think they would default to chicken eggs though. Not white or brown eggs, but those pastel eggs that one chicken lays that I’m not going to Google for right now. > -Rue. (posting every day) > P.S. I saw that view/ post ratio and I’m not happy. 20 to 1? There’s a LOT of people reading this and not contributiong. So knock it off and post already. Like it’s SOOOOOO hard. Sheesh. > > Newbies, Lurkers, get on it. It would make **Ex** happy. Then he might not abandon us this week. Do it for **Ex** folks! \*\* You’re thinking of **Aracona** chickens, **Rue**. They lay small eggs with muted pastel blue or green shells. Interestingly enough, these chickens are only partially domesticated as a breed, which means they fly better than the average chicken. No, they aren’t taking to the skys, but they will flutter up to the lower branches of a tree to roost. We used to have a flock of these chickens when I was younger. Along with the horses and the rats. And the dogs and cats and goats and guinea pigs and one pigeon and any snakes or toads or frogs we may have caught in the field or river, and two pigs. And of course, five girls. We used to refer to it as “The Motley Zoo”. ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/63 "2003-06-24T14:15:10Z")
:smack: _skies_. I can’t believe I did that. I must need more caffeine. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/64 "2003-06-24T14:18:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LurkMeister \* > \*\*I can’t picture Him standing there sniffing something and then turning to St. Peter and saying, “Does this smell okay to you?” \*\* Now _this_ really cracked me up! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/65 "2003-06-24T15:27:56Z")
I haven’t had much refrigerant-related theology to discuss, but was shamed out of lurkdom by **Rue** ’s empassioned plea on behalf of the puny **Ex** (who I adore, he just won’t give up pouting long enough to realize it). 🙂 I’ve bought greenish brown eggs many times at the co-op. Easter eggs every day! They make whipping up an omlette a truly joyous experience. Sorry about **Parallex** ’s grandma! I’ve been to an Eastern Orthodox service and it is quite different (from the regular Catholic I’m used to.) No mention of refrigerator magnets then, though. -Ellen. (whose fridge is festooned with drawings of mermaids and semi-tractor-trailers) ---
**Author:** ![lightingtool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/57b2e6/32.png) [@lightingtool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lightingtool)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/66 "2003-06-24T15:35:57Z")
> [@](#): > > We used to refer to it as “The Motley Zoo”. Was that with umlats (pardon my spelling) or without? Cause I can’t think of a better way to get this conversation back to thoughts of God’s fridge than some good old Dr Feelgood. Embarrasingly enough, I was actually a member of the Motley Crue (sorry, I don’t know how to do umlats, or even how to spell umlat, unless I just did) Fan Club back in my wilder days. Laugh if you must, but … um … You see, this is where I should put something defending myself, about how much their music rocks, how it changed my life, but I just can’t. Sorry, Crue, I guess I’m all grown up now. Well, maybe not. Now I’ve got Dr Feelgood stuck in my head. He’s the one they call Dr Feeeelgood, he’s gonna make you feel allright, blah blah, he’s gonna be your Frankenstien!! Oh, and Without You, Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away), Kickstart my Heart … I’ve got to go find find this. “Hey, what’s that, lightingtool?” “Why, this is what we call a ‘cassette tape.’ It’s what we listened to back in the day.” “But how does it fit in the CD player?” “Sigh” ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/67 "2003-06-24T15:47:50Z")
Ahh but **lightingtool** … when you get a phone call about how to play the shiny little records that come in the mail… then you’ve reached the pinnacle of generation gap. Some Crue would be nice today… Primal scream is my favorite 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/68 "2003-06-24T16:18:10Z")
Sadly, God took my drawings off his refrigerator. I wasn’t doing a very good job of staying within the lines. I don’t think he cared much for the circles I choose either. Maybe I’ll send him a poem. I’d like to get my handwriting on his wall. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/69 "2003-06-24T16:27:06Z")
God is great, God is fine. Thanks for women, song and wine. Amen ---
**Author:** ![Mastema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Mastema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mastema)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/70 "2003-06-24T16:33:24Z")
All this talk about God’s fridge makes me wonder about other food related heavenly events. Do they have potluck lunches once a month? -“WHAT!! We all brought angel food cake AGAIN!! Someone is really going to have to start coordinating these things.” Who makes the best chili now that Lucifer is gone? When they have a turkey, does God just make the water parting motion and all the meat slides off the bones in nice slices? Does God allow deserts in heaven that we term “sinful” here on Earth? I’m thinking about that whole, “What you hold true on Earth, I will abide by in heaven.” thing. I know I misquoted, but I’m frankly getting too hungry to go Google it right now. ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/71 "2003-06-24T16:36:31Z")
My first girlfriend wanted badly to be such a badass (she wasn’t), so she loved Motley Crue. (I don’t know how to do umlauts, either) I can’t tell you the hours I’ve spent making out with her and listening to those first two albums over and over. When we broke up, I never listened to them again. (Not that she broke my heart, just that I was sick of them) ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/72 "2003-06-24T16:56:31Z")
Apparently, I’ve been misunderstanding this. I’d been under the impression that, when I died, I’d become an Angel… BAHAHAHAhahaha! Hoo!.. sorry… or, maybe drop in for a visit with ol’ Lucifer. Then, this thread came along, and I started picturing spending eternity as a refrigerator magnet on the big guy’s icebox. I’m not really sure _how_ I got that impression, but I thought that’s what we were talking about. Now, it seems we’re really talking about eternity as a forgotten, dust-covered inaction figure. And, from the sound of it, not even one of the full-size ones, like the old G.I. Joe’s and Barbie’s, with their movable limbs, grenades, and pink corvettes. It doesn’t even sound like we’re going to be like the dweeby little Star Wars action figures; pocket-size, but at least semi-mobile. No, no! It sounds like we’re going to be like those pathetic little green army men, with that stupid plastic blob-shaped plate welded to both feet! Well, to Hell with that! And, to Hell with me, too! I’m not spending eternity as a cat toy! I’ve got a handbasket, and I’m not afraid to use it. I’m _going!_ Anyone need a lift…errr…drop…well, you know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/73 "2003-06-24T20:57:45Z")
This is a great, compehensive discussion of the Lord’s refrigerative situation, but what of His other appliances? Does God have a Maytag washer/dryer combo? Does he have a gas range or electric? And, perhaps most important of all, does He have one of those totally jake under-the-counter toasters like **Rue** was talking about a couple weeks ago? Because surely any deity worth His salt would have one of those. ---
**Author:** ![Plankspanker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Plankspanker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plankspanker)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/74 "2003-06-24T21:20:47Z")
yeah \*\* kn\*ckers\*\*, i wonder about that too. what kinda colour cabinet fronts d’you think He has as well? oak? pine? mahongany? and would He have veneered mdf ones or solid wood ones? personally, i like to think He’s got one of those really neat stainless steel surface jobbies, like in a pro kitchen. not that this deity has to spend much time cooking. i mean, if He’s omni-present, He must be able to manipulate time and make those damned pork ribs cook faster… all apologies if this is the hebrew G\*d and not christian God 😕 ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/75 "2003-06-24T21:32:52Z")
Actually, **Davebear** I was under the impression that we were destined to become those silly travel knick-knacks. You know the ones - snow globes from Miami Beach, etc. I believe that God comes down here for a visit to a few places every day, and takes a few of us back to remind Him of where He’s been. You know, a couple’a’thousand “Visit Sunny Arizona” figurines, etc. That’s why He needs a Dusting Angel to keep us clean. ---
**Author:** ![Parallax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Parallax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parallax)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/76 "2003-06-24T23:00:42Z")
Ahh - blasphemy. This is my kind of thread. I always have blasphemous thoughts whenever I’m forced to endure a religious service and during the funeral this weekend I had some heavy thoughts. If only I could remember all of them. One of the strangest things was when the priest said that the church was God’s house and that he likes to decorate his house with things that he loves. Well I guess that makes sense for the pictures of the saints (the priest’s example) but does God really love having a huge statue of his son dying on the cross? That just strikes me a very odd! I also wasn’t very keen on the whole “everything is God’s will” thing. Supposedly I didn’t come to the church on my own - God compelled me to be there. I don’t think so. I came to honor my grandmother - not because God made me do it. I don’t want to turn this into a rant about religion so I’ll stop. Someday maybe I’ll get the energy to rant about it in the pit and also rant about how cosmically wrong it is to die due to complications from constipation. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/77 "2003-06-24T23:34:15Z")
What I really wanna know is, how does God decorate his yard? God would probably want **Rue** and me in heaven cause we know how to place flamingos, yard gnomes, butt-up grannies etc in the yard all tasteful like. I’ll bet God’s yard has flamingos dressed seasonally and I’ll bet they’re the light up at night kind too. And, I’ll bet he has a giant inflate palm tree by the pool. I’ll bet God shops at [www.orientaltrading.com](http://www.orientaltrading.com). You can see all these and other tasteful yard art right there. **Ex** , **Angel Pants** will be so sad if you go away. You gotta stay. ---
**Author:** ![Quantum\_Butterfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e79b87/32.png) [@Quantum\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quantum_Butterfly)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/78 "2003-06-25T05:54:52Z")
> [@](#): > > _Posted by whiterabbit_ > Hey, maybe that’s where we came from! The back of God’s fridge! That’d explain so much… Oh man, that just cracked me up, **whiterabbit**! 😃 Good thing Mom is used to hearing me laugh at the computer. I dunno how God does his kitchen, but I find it amusing to speculate about the God and Goddess… “Honey, can you enlarge the freezer for me again? I just bagged another deer-spirit!” “You better have cleaned the carcass first this time! All right… _poof_ Leave the steaks on the counter and I’ll make a nice marinade for them.” “Yes, dear. Any interesting prayers today?” “Oh yes, just like always. By the way, Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva stopped by this afternoon; said to tell you hello…” ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/79 "2003-06-25T06:31:26Z")
Ohhhhhhh Rue noticed me! I’m so excited! Thank you verily much for posting yet again Rue it made my day 🙂 mmmmmmm shoe polish-mango ice cream…gotta get me some of that. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/80 "2003-06-25T12:51:27Z")
Another problem with the church being God’s home **Parallax** , why would he want those hard benches? I mean, even at bookstores, they give you nice fluffy chairs and a couch or two so you can get comfortable and stay a while. And would throw rugs kill anyone? A few festive patterns would be nice. God really needs a new decorator. Unless he keeps all his good stuff in the den. A stuffed and mounted pachycephoulusaurus (that’s a dinosaur) head (with a paper party hat), that million-year-old overstuffed chair that smells like musty dog, the bookcases with the saggy shelves. I think God would have one of those ugly little lamps with the tassles on the shade. And his three-way lamp has one of the filaments burned out so it just turns on, then off, and then on again without getting any brighter. Old crockery and glasses left around from the last big card game. But He’d have one of those nice living rooms no one’s allowed to go into except when company comes over. And then you need to take your shoes off first. -Rue. (decorator to the stars!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739.md?page=5)