# The Sign in Front of This One Church (With Extra Blasphemy!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 23, 2003, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739 "2003-06-23T11:15:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/121 "2003-06-26T20:18:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > **You think I LIKE writing these things up every week?** Well, yeah, ya do. It’s cheaper than therapy and all. 😃 Besides, you couldn’t let your fans down, could you? Of course not. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/122 "2003-06-27T00:17:03Z")
There ain’t no more Tainted Nookie. [The Supremes](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=193558) took care of that just recently. So all Nookie is good Nookie, so just take what you can get. Then she looked at me with those big brown eyes and she said “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. No, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet, b-b-b-baby!” Oh man! That Randy Bachman sure knew what he was talking about. Positively clairvoyant. And I gotta 'fess up. I lie doing these things. I do it for the attention really. I’m a child that way. -Rue. (all 'fessed) ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/123 "2003-06-27T00:22:48Z")
Or I _like_ doing these threads. Lie, like- you decide. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/124 "2003-06-27T00:43:31Z")
Yeah, yeah, yeah– **Rue** likes doing these MMPs and we all like reading them and adding to them and laughing about them and yadda yadda yadda. Can we get back to God’s yard? Does God have a pool? And if so, do you think Moses pulls the same old “Watch me part the pool” routine everytime God has a pool party? And does Noah always joke that he shuld have brought the ark? We _know_ Jesus would be walking over the surface of the water every chance he got. What kind of swimsuits do Angels wear? (No, they would not skinny dip in front of God–the dyad and nymphs and satyrs and such would, but what can you expect from pagans?) Anyway, I can picture the Archangel Gabriel in a speedo, but I think Michael might be a jams man. Can God play Marco Polo–or would He always know where everyone was? And finally, if I’m in Heaven and get invited to God’s pool party, does that mean I can go into God’s house and check out what He’s got in His refrigerator? ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/125 "2003-06-27T00:43:44Z")
So if I’m the very next person to post, does that mean _I_ get to decide? Oh man, I really stink at decisions. There’s so much pressure involved. And, while I work well under pressure, well actually I work well under several things, but not too many because then it gets heavy and I can’t breathe and I’m a bit claustraphobic, but this isn’t the kind of pressure that I work well under. If I say one thing, then it might not be right and if I say the other thing, then it might not be right either, although one of them should be right. And then I start thinking about the lady or the tiger story and well, there was certainly a lot of pressure involved in _that_ decision but deciding whether **Rue** is liking or lying, is almost just like that. Or just _lie_ that. I don’t know- you decide. ---
**Author:** ![lightingtool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/57b2e6/32.png) [@lightingtool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lightingtool)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/126 "2003-06-27T02:36:07Z")
Wow, speaking of being claustraphobic, I had to crawl through an air duct the other day to run some cable. I got about halfway through when I remembered I don’t do well in tight spaces. Yikes. Anyway, I’m not to sure if God has a pool. He probably just creates an ocean or something if he feels like going for a swim. And I’ll bet that whole parting the sea thing got old a long time ago. I just realized this is the most thinking I’ve done about God since I was about 12. How odd. ---
**Author:** ![Mastema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Mastema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mastema)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/127 "2003-06-27T02:58:54Z")
Well, the next person didn’t decide, so I guess I’ll decide. Yes Kallessa, you can check out God’s fridge if the opportunity arises, but I’d stay away from the medicine cabinets. Angel’s definitely wear swimsuits of the two piece variety. Do a Google image search for Angel and Swimsuit, and that should clear that up for you. Although it would appear that some Angels only wear 1/2 of a two piece bathing suit, so maybe Google has it wrong. That just doesn’t seem like a very angelic thing to be doing, Flashing your heavenly headlights at us unsuspecting mortals. Maybe those are Angels sent to temp people into sin, which sounded like such a cool job that I took my user name from the Angel in charge of it. **Rue** was probably **liking** these things, although lying is not beyond him. I just happen to believe that he does Like the attention. God only parts the pool when Gabriel dives because of the time when Gabriel mucked with the chemistry set and created the platypus, and Richard Simmons. “I’ll do the Creating from now on, If you Don’t Mind!!!” God was heard to remark, and punished Gabriel by making him the Reality TV Angel. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/128 "2003-06-27T03:09:00Z")
And speaking of which, if Gabriel is the Reality TV Angel, that means we’re not all committing a mortal sin watching those reality programs, are we? I mean, if there’s an angel in charge… And speaking of reality programs, do you think God watches Survivor? I bet He’s laughing every week watching them trying to fish or start a fire. I bet He was behind that crazy religious woman Joanna getting kicked off last time, though, who stayed up all night praying loudly because the immunity idol was, well, an IDOL. Do you think those prayers annoyed Him as much as they annoyed everyone else? And do you think God would stoop to watching Big Brother? And do you suppose he rigged the vote on American Idol because he likes the fact that Ruben is such a good church-going boy? ---
**Author:** ![Mastema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Mastema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mastema)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/129 "2003-06-27T03:17:44Z")
For God, I imagine that Reality TV is sort of like a Choose Your Own Adventure thing. “Hmmm, Team Ridiculous Native Sounding Word is doing remarkably well, looks like it’s time for a plague of locusts. Meanwhile, Team OookooPookoo is really sucking wind and squabbling amongst themselves, I think I’ll let the dweeb fishing with a bare hook actually catch something. That should be a shocker.” ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/130 "2003-06-27T11:38:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kallessa \* > **Yeah, yeah, yeah–Rue likes doing these MMPs and we all like reading them and adding to them and laughing about them and yadda yadda yadda. Can we get back to God’s yard?** Well _someone_ knows how these threads work. (Note: You can snip off any part of a quote that doesn’t interest you as long as you don’t post a misleading statement as a “quote”. Just a tip **Win** … I mean, that’s just a tip, so you all know.) If you do go to God’s Pool Party (almost as good as **Swampy** ’s) and you have the urge to snoop through His 'frige, just make sure you don’t drip on His floor. We’ve been all through the “why” of it, so I’m not going back. Go back? I’m NEVER going back! And you can’t make me! _B’ZZZZZZZT!_ Ugh! I… guess… you… can… “Jefferies tubes” **lightingtool** , call 'em “Jefferies tubes”. It sounds all futuristic that way. -Rue. (informative) ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/131 "2003-06-27T11:39:35Z")
I wonder _what_ picture God has on his fridge. The one from your high school yearbook? An action shot of you doing something bad? Now I’m totally spooked. Is God a voyeur? Maybe there a picture of me singing _Blue Suede Shoes_ naked in front of the mirror and gyrating like Elvis. Oh, and just for Tanookie: **Tainted Nookie** Sometimes I feel I’ve got to Run away I’ve got to Get away From the pain that you drive into the crotch of me The nookie we shared Has given me a scare And I’ve lost my night-light Without one I can’t sleep at night Once I ran to you (I ran) Now I’ll run from you This tainted nook you’ve given No condom was a bad decision Gave me crabs and that’s not nearly all Oh…tainted nookie Tainted Nookie Tainted Nookie Now I know I’ve got to Run away I’ve got to Get away Got to make some time for the doctor today He’ll give me a shot Hopefully it’ll heal my crotch I can’t beleive that I paid For a nookie that was tainted that way Once I ran to you (I ran) Now I’ll run from you This tainted nook you’ve given No condom was a bad decision Gave me crabs and that’s not nearly all Oh…tainted nookie Tainted Nookie Tainted Nookie Don’t touch me please I do not want a new disease I lust you though you hurt me so Now I’m going to pack my things and go Tainted nookie, tainted nookie Tainted nookie, tainted nookie Don’t touch me baby, tainted nook Don’t touch me baby, tainted nook Tainted nookie Tainted nookie Tainted nookie 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/132 "2003-06-27T12:09:50Z")
Well, **welby** , dunno about God, but I’ve now got a mental image of you doing Naked Elvis (band name?) and I promise you here and now - if it lingers with me thru my vacation, I’m going to hunt you down and lay a hurtin’ on you that even God will say is justified! :eek: I gotta know - does God have a hot tub by his pool? Silly question - of course he does! I wonder how he feels about launching wiener dogs over the fence at his pool parties? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/133 "2003-06-27T12:36:48Z")
Ya know, I think that God wouldn’t mind anything that would shut those damn wiener dogs up! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIP everytime the neighbors let the things out YIPYIPYIPYIPYIP! Wonder if they’d launch really good out of say a water cannon? ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/134 "2003-06-27T12:41:47Z")
🙂 **Welby** that’s a riot! Good thing my spouse reads the SDMB… I would never be able to explain giggling away at that if he didn’t! I wonder … does God have a special display case for those TV evangelists? I’d like to think they have to spend eternity at God’s house on display with pins in some painful places. Or maybe God keeps them in his ice cube trays… the angels are all hanging around the pool with lemonade and joking about who’s in their ice this time? I wouldn’t want them to have to go to hell… then they wouldn’t understand what they screwed themselves out of by being so smarmy! It never rains on God’s pool parties either. I think he leaves all the clouds to tend to his gardens. Fresh fruits and veggies all year 'round! Or does one of the angels have to lasso the rain clouds and keep them in place? ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/135 "2003-06-27T13:44:32Z")
Jeez **FCM** , I didn’t mean to give you such riotous fantasies that you wouldn’t be able to enjoy your vacation. I’m sorry! Maybe **Rue** will show up and say something to take your mind off of me. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/136 "2003-06-27T14:22:50Z")
**TaintNookie** I hope he wasn’t offended. The last thing I need is an ass kicking. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/137 "2003-06-27T14:52:04Z")
_ahem_ (Gimme a minute to get all naked-like.) (Or maybe I’m already naked and just faking you out. The Mystery of Me deepens.) OK. Ah-one, anna-two, anna-you-know-what-to-do… Wiiiiise meeen saaay, Onlyyyyy fooooools ruuush iiiiiin… You ain’t nuthin’ but a hound dog… I’m in luv, I’m all shook up, Uhh huh huh huh… Well it’s one for the money, two for the show Three to get ready now go cat go. But don’t you, step on my blue suede shoes… Now for the big finish… Lord Almighty, I’m burning a hole where I lay Cause your kisses lift me higher Like the sweet song of a choir You light my morning sky With burning love With burning love Ah, ah, burning love I’m just a hunk, a hunk of burning love Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love… Thankyew. Thankkyewverruhmuch. -Rue. (has left the buliding) ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/138 "2003-06-27T14:55:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > \*\*-Rue. (has left the buliding) \*\* Thank God('s Fridge)! ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/139 "2003-06-27T15:10:46Z")
Well, first **welby** potentially ruins my vacation then **Rue** , secret object of my lust and desire, definitely ruins my lunch. Sorry, sweets, but I do not now, nor did I ever, like Elvis. And now you’ve tarnished yourself. ☹ I think I’ll take a week or so off to chill and try to forget this unfortunate incident. Like I wasn’t going to go anyway… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/140 "2003-06-27T15:19:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by welby \* > \*\ ***TaintNookie** I hope he wasn’t offended. The last thing I need is an ass kicking. \*\* Well, since **Exgineer** hasn’t shown up yet, I guess I’ll say it. An ass-kicking might be exactly what you need. And you know you’d like it. 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739.md?page=8)