# The Sign in Front of This One Church (With Extra Blasphemy!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 23, 2003, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739 "2003-06-23T11:15:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/141 "2003-06-27T15:24:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > \*\*_ahem_ > (Gimme a minute to get all naked-like.) > (Or maybe I’m already naked and just faking you out. The Mystery of Me deepens.) > OK. Ah-one, anna-two, anna-you-know-what-to-do… > > Wiiiiise meeen saaay, > Onlyyyyy fooooools ruuush iiiiiin… > > You ain’t nuthin’ but a hound dog… > > I’m in luv, > I’m all shook up, > Uhh huh huh huh… > > Well it’s one for the money, two for the show > Three to get ready now go cat go. > But don’t you, step on my blue suede shoes… > > Now for the big finish… > > Lord Almighty, > I’m burning a hole where I lay > Cause your kisses lift me higher > Like the sweet song of a choir > You light my morning sky > With burning love > With burning love > Ah, ah, burning love > I’m just a hunk, a hunk of burning love > Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love > Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love > Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love > Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love > Just a hunk, a hunk of burning love… > > Thankyew. Thankkyewverruhmuch. > -Rue. (has left the buliding) \*\* AAAHHHH!!! It’s _him_! :::Wintermute screams hysterically::: **Rue, Rue**! I love you, **Rue**! I want to have your baby! **Rue**!! :::Screams again, throws panties at stage and faints in a passion-induced hysteria::: ---
**Author:** ![tanookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/48db29/32.png) [@tanookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tanookie)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/142 "2003-06-27T15:39:29Z")
So does this mean **Rue** and **Welby** can go on tour as Richard Simmons meets Elvis and with their singing and naked gyrating curb America’s growing obesity problem? I think they would need to send God free tickets and backstage passes. ---
**Author:** ![Parallax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Parallax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parallax)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/143 "2003-06-27T15:39:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by welby \* > \*\ ***TaintNookie** I hope he wasn’t offended. The last thing I need is an ass kicking. \*\* It takes a lot to offend me - I’m not sure it has been done yet. 😃 Though even if you had - I’m not the ass kicking type. ---
**Author:** ![Parallax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Parallax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parallax)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/144 "2003-06-27T15:41:36Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by tanookie \* > **So does this mean** Rue_\* and **Welby** can go on tour as Richard Simmons meets Elvis and with their singing and naked gyrating curb America’s growing obesity problem?\*\* It certainly made me lose my appetite. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/145 "2003-06-27T21:52:40Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by tanookie \* > **So does this mean** Rue_\* and **Welby** can go on tour as Richard Simmons meets Elvis and with their singing and naked gyrating curb America’s growing obesity problem? > > I think they would need to send God free tickets and backstage passes. \*\* God sees all, so if He wanted to see Rue and Welby’s _Simmons and Elvis Naked Variety Hour_, He could do so without backstage passes. However, I believe Satan is interested in this act–something about showing it to those in the deepest pits of Hell. ---
**Author:** ![universe.zip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/a9adbd/32.png) [@universe.zip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/universe.zip)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/146 "2003-06-27T22:44:15Z")
So, if stuff has to be past its expiration date to get into heaven, does that mean everything that goes bad in our earthly fridges ends up in The Big Refrigerator in Heaven? Of course, there it would be completely edible, I guess, otherwise why would He put up with it? “Well, St. Peter, what did we get today?” “Uh-huh, let me have a look… there´s like 200 cartons of green milk, couple of eggs, some camembert - no, wait, that must have been a tomato once… oh, and **universe.zip** let her spinach go bad again.” “Ugh… spinach. Not again! What was I thinking when I Created that?” Nah. Don´t think so. On a related matter: Does God have a washing machine? Because, you know, washing machines eat socks. That´s the _definition_ of “washing machine”. And I can´t picture God walking around with a mismatched pair of socks. (As a matter of fact, I can´t picture him walking around _at all_.) So either he has to buy (create?) new pairs all the time, or it´s too warm up there to need socks anyway. Or all the socks we lose to our washing machines end up in heaven. Pretty neat recycling system, come to think of it. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/147 "2003-06-28T00:25:55Z")
God has no need for socks. He wears sandals with his robe. For a deity (the deity?) He’s all about the comfort. (Boxers of briefs? Commando, baby!) He could wear some dark socks with his sandals, because after all, he is an old dude. But I figure His tootsies are unencumbered. He could take the lost socks and unwind them and make sweaters out of them. Or just the souls of the socks, which could be the thread if you want to think about it that way. So all that food that goes bad? Only the soul of that food would show up at the Pearly Delivery Entrance. Every day thay get the biggest load of chitlins and greens you’ve ever seen. (Ha! Get it? The soul of food, soul food? Ha! Oh man, I slay me.) You wound me **Kallessa**. The deepest pits of Hell? Surely not deeper than the third level. Maybe you just need a Command Performance to see the true Art in the show. -Rue. (wounded- owwie) ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/148 "2003-06-28T00:34:03Z")
Heh. I feel vindicated. I didn’t post to this thing all week (except for that one time, but I feel that it was justified), and nobody noticed. Yes, a couple of people tossed my name out, but it didn’t affect anything. New blood, people. The new-to-the-MMP-thread-people carried this thing all week, and they did a masterful job. People like **Pupshaw** , **Plankspanker** , and **Mastema** , not to mention the lovely and talented **beegirl13** , who was kind enough to mention me in her signature for a while, have come out of the shadows to entertain us with their talent and wit. Then there’s people like **Salem** , **dwyr** , **tanookie** \*, and **Wintermute** , who are kinda’ like old hands by now, and know how to keep the thread moving. Then there’s the Brand New Posters. You folks need to cherish your current status as “newbies.” After this crew gets to know you, you will never again know peace. I’m not mentioning any of you by name for a reason. If I did you could be menaced by a relentless stalker. I’m talking about **welby** , of course. If I neglected to mention you by name, don’t worry about it. You are listed among the Special Ultra-Cool People Who Are Much To Good To Be Associated With The Likes Of Exgineer. This was fun. I had a whole week’s worth of entertainment, and I didn’t have to lift a finger. I didn’t have to deal with **welby** either. Not even once. Putting that guy in his place can get tiresome when it becomes a full-time job. \*Sheesh, **Parallax** , couldn’t you at least give your wife a spanking once in a while? Just to keep her in line? You kids these days. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/149 "2003-06-28T01:13:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > \*\* > You wound me **Kallessa**. The deepest pits of Hell? Surely not deeper than the third level. Maybe you just need a Command Performance to see the true Art in the show. > -Rue. (wounded- owwie) \*\* It’s not you darlin’ **Rue** (or darlin’ **welby** either), it’s the thought of Elvis and Richard Simmons doing anything together, especially in the alltogther), or people pretending to be like Elvis or Richard Simmons doing anything together. They dont’ combine well, somehow it brings out the worst in both of them,and creates something so terrible, so horrible, so wicked, that only the deepest pits of hell can contain it, and only those in the deepest pits deserve to be subjected to it. Now, if it were just you doing the Elvis thing naked, or even in a white jumpsuit–well God himself would want a front row seat. And if welby did a whole Richard Simmons thing–naked–well, I’m sure God would like to see that, too (I mean, God has to have a strange sense of humor, he created Richard Simmons in the first place). So don’t be wounded, I just want to be you teddy bear, please, don’t be cruel and love me tender again, okay? And **Exgineer** , I’m just not even going to mention you in my post at all. ---
**Author:** ![Parallax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Parallax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parallax)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/150 "2003-06-28T01:37:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Exgineer \* > \*\*Sheesh, **Parallax** , couldn’t you at least give your wife a spanking once in a while? Just to keep her in line? You kids these days. \*\* Who said anything about spanking? I said that I wasn’t into ass kicking - there is a difference. 😉 Along with the spankings there are the handcuffs, whips, toys - oh - and of course, the swing. ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/151 "2003-06-28T02:59:01Z")
If I were a certain sort of person, I would propose marriage to **Kallessa** on the spot, even though I haven’t actually met her. I’m not that sort of person (unlike **welby** ), so I won’t. I’m not even going to mention her in this post. Uh… CRAP! Messed up again. Story of my life. That’s okay, **Parallax** , it’s all about the discipline. The form the discipline takes doesn’t matter. Spanking, handcuffs, whips. Who cares? As long as you have her under control. Ex - (Getting **Rue** ish at the end there, but with extra perversion) ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/152 "2003-06-28T03:12:25Z")
I have a complaint. Why am I always the guy who kicks these things over to a new page? Huh? Everybody else posts their stuff, and other members can just scroll up to see what the other people said. Not me, though. Oh, no. My stupidity just hangs there with no context to support it, and I end up looking like an idiot. I learned something this week. Lurking, it’s what’s for dinner. Something like that. I dunno, I’m tired. ---
**Author:** ![Mudshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Mudshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mudshark)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/153 "2003-06-28T06:12:31Z")
The other day, I was driving past a church, and noticed that the sign said **Iwas thrown out, then God used me again**. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/154 "2003-06-28T06:54:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Exgineer \* > \*\*If I were a certain sort of person, I would propose marriage to **Kallessa** on the spot, even though I haven’t actually met her. > \*\* I accept. Think we can use God’s pool for the wedding reception? Or would we all have to be dead for that to work? Yeah, I guess I’d die before I’d marry **Exgineer**. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Quantum\_Butterfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e79b87/32.png) [@Quantum\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quantum_Butterfly)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/155 "2003-06-28T07:22:14Z")
Oh, man. Good thing I mainly Dope at night, otherwise I’d be getting “What’s so funny over there? Come on, share!” THEN I’d get the weird look. > [@](#): > > _Posted by Kallessa (I think)_ > What kind of swimsuits do Angels wear? (No, they would not skinny dip in front of God–the dryads and nymphs and satyrs and such would, but what can you expect from pagans?) Pagans like to have fun! 😉 It’s not like God hasn’t seen me nekkid before, anyway. For that matter, he/she has seen all of us nekkid, since one of the qualifications for divinity is omniscience. The real question is, would He let the nymphs and satyrs indulge in a bit of, er, water-play or tell them to get a room? My guess is the latter. After all, pools are for swimming, and they tend to get crowded during parties. Though since this is God’s pool, it would expand to fit the crowd. And it would have a diving board of adjustable height, which the angels love to show off high-dives on; a really first class jacuzzi that is always hot; outdoor speakers, or maybe a heavenly choir and harp ensemble… ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/156 "2003-06-28T08:02:01Z")
Who can party to _harps_? Heaven’s got a rock 'n roll band. And somebody is sure to come around and tell me who’s in it, because I’m blanking on the lyrics right now. But I know that it’s there. And God would tell the satrys and dyads to get a room, but the Lord and Lady would just tell them to have fun. But we’ve been working with the Judeo-Christian Deity for most of this thread, so let’s not muddy the waters now (pretty high-handed of me when I started it all by mentioning dyads and the like in the first place). \ So what happens if this thread stays alive all weekend? Do we head into the new week with two MMP by **Rue**? Or will the space-time continuum collapse if there are two active MMPs at the same time? If we then post to both of them, are we in danger of splitting and filling the world with duplicates of ourselves? And what does it do to the hamsters? And the hampsters, don’t forget the hampsters. \ And I didn’t mention **Exgineer** in this past either. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/157 "2003-06-28T08:03:25Z")
This past post to be exact. ---
**Author:** ![universe.zip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/a9adbd/32.png) [@universe.zip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/universe.zip)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/158 "2003-06-28T10:03:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mudshark \* > \*\*The other day, I was driving past a church, and noticed that the sign said **Iwas thrown out, then God used me again**. \*\* See? I _said_ its a pretty neat recycling system He has up there… ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/159 "2003-06-28T11:18:06Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by **My Fiance`** : > > So what happens if this thread stays alive all weekend? Do we head into the new week with two MMP by **Rue**? **Rue** starts a new one, then goes into the old one, flashes the lights, and chases us all out. You have to be on your toes around that guy. He has no patience with laggards. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2003, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739/160 "2003-06-29T02:43:20Z")
So, \*\* My Fine Fiance’ Exgineer\*\*, after we get married, do you think God will put our wedding photo on his fridge? And so the thread comes full circle. Except–just who is in Heaven’s rock 'n roll band? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sign-in-front-of-this-one-church-with-extra-blasphemy/183739.md?page=9)