# The silent treatment **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 11, 2011, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253 "2011-01-11T20:07:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/21 "2011-01-12T00:02:14Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > There are definitely times I’ll get very quiet. Generally, I’m not sulky; I’m scared. Yes! I was raised in a Silent Treatment house, where you Did Not air negative emotions Ever. So when faced with unpleasantness, I’m terrified to talk about it, for fear, basically, that you will destroy me. I hate arguments. I get physically ill when people I don’t know and have nothing to do with are arguing at another table at the other side of the restaurant. I just know that somehow it’s all my fault. Yes, Dr. Freud, I know it has to do with my parents. And more specifically, about how they divorced after the only fight they ever had, and that it actually \*was \*caused by something I said (not the divorce, the argument). I get it, I really do. But understanding that intellectually doesn’t mean the fear of abandonment or worse isn’t there. So…I don’t know. I’m sure I’ve done what my ex would call “the silent treatment”. But can I be said to be abusive when it’s because I’m terrified? I’m not sure. Whatever it is, it’s not healthy, and I get that. But that marriage was so toxic by the end anyhow that I can’t say it was the worst thing in it. And now I’m in a relationship where we talk, calmly, and it never gets to “a fight”. That I can do. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/22 "2011-01-12T00:08:48Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Yes! > > I was raised in a Silent Treatment house, where you Did Not air negative emotions Ever. So when faced with unpleasantness, I’m terrified to talk about it, for fear, basically, that you will destroy me. My experience wasn’t exactly the same, but my dad was an alcoholic and there were times you just kept your head down. He was unpredictable (never physically violent) and so we would just get very quiet and try not to draw attention. One day, you’re the BEST kid in the WORLD and the next day you are useless. Yeah, I’ve got some baggage! There’s an old saw about women marrying their fathers. The two men I’ve fallen in love with have been the opposite–very steadfast, not mercurial at all. It makes me feel so much more secure, but the stuff we learn in childhood runs incredibly deep. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/23 "2011-01-12T00:13:22Z")
Sometimes a person gets hurt, and deep down they feel they deserve the pain, and don’t have a right to talk about it, because they’re convinced on a fundamental level that they’re unlovable, and all that’s left for them to do is suffer. In silence. It’s very sad. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/24 "2011-01-12T00:35:33Z")
_Scientific American Mind_’s latest issue has an article entitled “The Pain of Exclusion”, discussing how the brain reacts to ostracism and shunning. From my point of view, the silent treatment is just a one-person variation on shunning. In the article, Kipling D. Williams draws three conclusions, and I’ll quote directly from the text: > [@](#): > > [ul] > [li] Even brief episodes of ostracism involving strangers or people we dislike activate the brain’s pain centers, incite sadness and anger, increase stress, lower self-esteem, and rob us of a sense of control.[/li][li] We all feel the pain of ostracism about equally, no matter how tough or sensitive we are. Personality traits do, however, influence how well we cope.[/li][li] Detecting ostracism quickly increases the likelihood that an individual can respond in such a way as to stay in a group and, literally or figuratively, survive the ordeal.[/li][/ul] The part I can’t get past is where social exclusion triggers the brain to perceive _physical_ pain. I expect everyone remembers what that’s like - gut twisting, throat clenching, wrenching pain. You don’t belong. You are Other. There is something disgusting and wrong about you, and you’ll do almost anything to fix it so you can belong again. So, yes, I believe the silent treatment is a type of abuse. Considering that it can cause extreme stress and the consequences stress has on health, I consider it a type of emotional AND physical abuse. I doubt the person delivering the silent treatment has the intention of being that destructive, but that doesn’t undo the damage. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/25 "2011-01-12T01:12:10Z")
Sometimes I clam up because I’m not sure how to express what I’m feeling in a way that doesn’t sound totally irrational. I have a huge fear of conflict so if I think I can avoid an argument by keeping my mouth shut, I will. Sometimes this is a problem because I’m terrible at hiding my feelings, so it becomes this situation where I’m obviously upset but don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it because I believe my feelings are irrational and I’d rather just let them cool down and go away. But I’d never purposefully not talk to my boyfriend as some kind of punishment - that’s fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![seanchai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@seanchai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seanchai)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/26 "2011-01-12T01:45:51Z")
“She: You (pick any little fault you may think of) all the time. Me: Reasonable answer as to why that’s not true. She: I don’t wish to discuss it. … Silence for two days minimum.” This seems to me to be a gander gap type of thing, you know? She’s saying, ‘This habit of yours bugs me’ and he’s saying, ‘No, you’re wrong,’ which leaves her feeling not listened to, and him feeling dumped on. But I agree that the silent treatment is immature. In my house we always debated the pros and cons of every difference of opinion - loudly and often for hours. Nothing ever got resolved, of course. I concur that ‘time out’ is the way to go, then discuss problems like adults. Be prepared to compromise. I won’t tell you how many decades it took me to learn HOW to fight! an seanchai ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/27 "2011-01-12T02:18:02Z")
> [@seanchai](#): > > “She: You (pick any little fault you may think of) all the time. > Me: Reasonable answer as to why that’s not true. > She: I don’t wish to discuss it. > … > Silence for two days minimum.” > > This seems to me to be a gander gap type of thing, you know? She’s saying, > ‘This habit of yours bugs me’ and he’s saying, ‘No, you’re wrong,’ which leaves > her feeling not listened to, and him feeling dumped on. > > But I agree that the silent treatment is immature. In my house we always > debated the pros and cons of every difference of opinion - loudly and often > for hours. Nothing ever got resolved, of course. > > I concur that ‘time out’ is the way to go, then discuss problems like adults. Be prepared to compromise. I won’t tell you how many decades it took me to > learn HOW to fight! > > an seanchai If it was only about habits, that would be one thing, but this went on for many, many years about all manner of things. Example: Me: We need to do something about our son’s “Ds” in school. She (with a smirk): What kind of grades did YOU get in school? Me: I thought we were discussing our son, not me. If we’re going to use a comparison, why don’t we use YOU as the example (she was an honor roll student)? She: I don’t wish to discuss it. Bitch. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/28 "2011-01-12T02:22:29Z")
As Vera Benett the “bad” warder said to “Top Dog” Bea Smith, in the classic Australian soap opera, _Prisoner_ (_Prisoner: Cell Block H_) > [@](#): > > And don’t think not talking to me will bother me in the least. In fact, I can think of no greater pleasure than never having to hear your voice again That is how I feel about the silent treatment. I probably wouldn’t notice and if I did, I wouldn’t care ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/29 "2011-01-12T03:52:10Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Me: We need to do something about our son’s “Ds” in school. > She (with a smirk): What kind of grades did YOU get in school? > Me: I thought we were discussing our son, not me. If we’re going to use a comparison, why don’t we use YOU as the example (she was an honor roll student)? > She: I don’t wish to discuss it. > Bitch. :mad: This would make an awesome puppet show. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/30 "2011-01-12T04:54:33Z")
I, too, would like to know how the OP defines ‘Silent Treatment’. I don’t do what _I_ think of as the silent treatment, because I grew up with it, and I hated it. I’m 99.5% sure, in retrospect, that my mother was bipolar. But here’s what would happen: Me: Is it OK if I spend the night at Lynn’s house tomorrow night? Mom: Fine. Me: (Wonders, does she mean “fine, as in, that would be OK” or “fine, as in, I don’t want you to, but do it anyway, and then I won’t speak to you for two days afterward”) So I go do whatever I’m going to do. With my Mom, when you got the silent treatment, all you knew was that you had to apologize. It didn’t even matter if you knew what you were apologizing for. As long as you acknowledged that everything wrong was your fault. Now, in adulthood, I will tell my husband “I can’t discuss this calmly right now, so I’m going to go in the bedroom a while and calm down”. But that’s not what I think of as giving him the silent treatment. In accordance with the way I was raised, the silent treatment is abusive and manipulative. I won’t play that way. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/31 "2011-01-12T10:37:49Z")
Oh man with the kids’ mom I could only WISH for the silent treatment! It was really the only thing she didn’t do that was manipulative and emotionally abusive. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/32 "2011-01-12T11:29:36Z")
Sometimes I will tell my husband that I need some time alone to think about things or just calm down. That’s not the silent treatment though, and it generally only lasts an hour or so, then I will go back and say, ‘Can we talk?’ and we’ll talk. Yes, I do think the silent treatment can be emotionally abusive. ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/33 "2011-01-12T12:03:04Z")
The silent treatment isn’t emotional abuse, it’s just stupid. When in the past I’ve gotten the silent treatment, I just ignore it and go about my business. When the other person doesn’t see me agonizing over not being talked to, they usually give it up as a bad idea. ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/34 "2011-01-12T13:03:45Z")
My husband and I have struggled with this for years, and have only recently found a way of dealing with it. He hates conflict, in any form, and his way of dealing with it was just to shut down and refuse to acknowledge it was happening. I, on the other hand, come from a long line of quick-tempered people who will get angry and shout at the slightest provaction. He found my behaviour deeply distressing, while I found his refusal to engage with me and to ignore the problem really hurtful - like whatever was bothering me wasn’t worthy of his consideration. So for a while I reacted by emulating him, and just trying to repress everything and pretend it wasn’t happening. This wasn’t any better, as I could only do that for so long before blowing up - usually with something inconsequential as a trigger. As you might imagine, this left him completely confused, as he didn’t realise it was the result of weeks, sometimes months, of repressed grievances. We’ve worked through that and now both try to raise and confront difficult issues, but to do so calmly and without attaching blame. Sometimes these discussions will get difficult enough that I have to just shut up and leave the room before I lose my temper, but I always return to the discussion once I’ve calmed down, so I see that more as a time-out than the silent treatment. I’ve only ever deliberately subjected someone to the silent treatment, and that was my mother during the run-up to my wedding. Normally a lovely woman whom I adore, she turned during this period, at times, to a raving lunatic Mother-of-the-Bridezilla. After one decision she deeply disagreed with (the wedding venue), she screamed down the phone at me about how I was completely rejecting her and how I must hate her and want to punish her to treat her like this, so I told her I wasn’t prepared to speak to her again unless and until she could do so like a rational adult, and terminated the call. I then wouldn’t tkae her calls till she calmed down, which took 3 days. My fiance had to screen my voicemails from her - _listens, winces, holds phone away from ear_: “Yeah, she’s still angry, I wouldn’t call her back yet”. One the third day she caved and called me in floods of tears to apologise. But in general that’s not a tactic I adopt or recommend. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/35 "2011-01-12T13:28:13Z")
> [@Jennyrosity](#): > > I’ve only ever deliberately subjected someone to the silent treatment, and that was my mother during the run-up to my wedding. > … > so I told her I wasn’t prepared to speak to her again unless and until she could do so like a rational adult, and terminated the call. I then wouldn’t tkae her calls till she calmed down, which took 3 days. Based on your description I wouldn’t call that “The Silent Treatment.” The Silent Treatment, IMHO, combines a refusal to discuss a contentious matter (or anything else) with a refusal to explain _why_ one won’t discuss the contentious matter. It is a total shutdown of communication as some sort of punishment, intended to instill confusion and insecurity in the other party. What you did instead was to shape the discussion in a thoughtful manner: you refused to stoop to your mom’s level, and you explained to her the acceptable terms under which you were willing to resume discussion. Likewise, postponement of a discussion by an agitated person (until that agitated person has time to cool off) doesn’t strike me as The Silent Treatment either, provided that the agitated person explains why they are doing so. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/36 "2011-01-12T14:04:29Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > Based on your description I wouldn’t call that “The Silent Treatment.” The Silent Treatment, IMHO, combines a refusal to discuss a contentious matter (or anything else) with a refusal to explain _why_ one won’t discuss the contentious matter. It is a total shutdown of communication as some sort of punishment, intended to instill confusion and insecurity in the other party. What you did instead was to shape the discussion in a thoughtful manner: you refused to stoop to your mom’s level, and you explained to her the acceptable terms under which you were willing to resume discussion. > > Likewise, postponement of a discussion by an agitated person (until that agitated person has time to cool off) doesn’t strike me as The Silent Treatment either, provided that the agitated person explains why they are doing so. I agree that the behavior **Jennyrosity** exhibited with her mother is _not_ ‘the silent treatment’. Your description, **Machine Elf** , is more apt. When I was young and my mother was giving me the silent treatment, it didn’t mean she wouldn’t speak to me _at all_; she would use monosyllables for _necessary_ communication, and otherwise give me dirty looks. I have actually used the “I’m not going to discuss this with you until you can talk about it calmly”; I even used it in a business setting once! A client of ours was on the phone, irate, clearly not willing to listen to reason, and edging towards being verbally abusive. I let her rant for a few minutes, tried to interject something helpful a few times, only to be screamed at again. Finally, I just calmly kept repeating her name until she responded. When she responded I said “Clearly, you’re not calm enough to work on solving this problem yet. I want to help you solve it. When you’re calm enough to speak to me civilly, feel free to call back”, and I hung up. An hour later, she called back, very apologetic about her behavior. (Although I can see how it could have gone the other way and gotten me fired. . .) ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/37 "2011-01-12T14:12:49Z")
Yes, I can see both your points. It was just highly unusual for me to take that tactic with my mother rather than getting drawn into a row! ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/38 "2011-01-12T14:38:27Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > I want to know what you mean by “the silent treatment”. People here are assuming a certain type of interaction, and I don’t know if I can assume that. > > When my ex-husband and I would argue, I would regularly get to a point where I would stop talking. Why? Because I had gotten to the point where I realized that I could say nothing more to change the situation. Because I wanted to step back and consider the situation. Because when I get stressed, I get non-verbal. And because I knew that further argument would only be _inciting further abuse_, not better resolution. > > And he would get angry at me for not talking, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he called it giving him “the silent treatment”. > So let me ask: what do you consider “the silent treatment”? And what are you expecting him to say? Are you putting up [conversational roadblocks](http://books.google.com/books?id=MJPAoB22ugkC&lpg=PA26&ots=zS7E2EsHEm&dq=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&pg=PA17#v=onepage&q=twelve%20conversational%20roadblocks&f=false)? Just took a peek at that book, and hoo boy do I recognize the use of those tactics in some people. It has taken me years to recognize them as conversation shifters, saboteurs, defaults to the negative, creating fighting words, and basically trying to “win” the “argument” no matter what. So to go “silent” is a passive yet energy saving defense. When I’ve succumbed to it, I am mostly sick of the shit and wish they would just stfu forever. Because I want to avoid all train wrecks, this sparks a desire to be intentional in conversation, and not get led astray down some argumentative stupid path. To head it off at the pass in future conversations, I am listening for those roadblocks as they occur, the hijacks and interruptions too. Making it clear when a boundary has been crossed. We-ell this is all too much sometimes for the verbal bully, so I get the intentional “silent treatment”:rolleyes: Then I give that ball right back to them, I’m not anticipating their needs, nor accomodating their silence. take your ball and go home. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/39 "2011-01-12T15:09:25Z")
> [@Jennyrosity](#): > > My husband and I have struggled with this for years, and have only recently found a way of dealing with it. He hates conflict, in any form, and his way of dealing with it was just to shut down and refuse to acknowledge it was happening. I, on the other hand, come from a long line of quick-tempered people who will get angry and shout at the slightest provaction. He found my behaviour deeply distressing, while I found his refusal to engage with me and to ignore the problem really hurtful - like whatever was bothering me wasn’t worthy of his consideration. I know you’ve already worked through this, but there’s a possibility he avoided conflict because of his own self-esteem issues, and not because he didn’t think your concerns were important. It’s like “I would discuss this and defend my own position, but I’m not worth it and I should just suffer in silence.” Yet his resentment of you would continue to build, because the suffering is still there, after all. It doesn’t exactly make sense, but self-worth issues like that can be very persistent nonetheless. That’s why they’re so damaging. I’m not saying “silent-treatment people are all precious angels and you should put up with their behavior unquestioningly and feel guilty for whatever you did,” I’m just offering a possible explanation other than “they don’t care about you.” ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253/40 "2011-01-12T15:10:39Z")
My reaction is usually, “great, now I won’t have to think of excuses to avoid this person.” My mom likes to give silent treatments. It works on my Dad, but not on me. Dad will cave in about an hour and start begging my Mom to start talking again. He’s a very social guy and can’t stand people avoiding him. I can last a lot longer. I don’t know how long, because eventually Mom starts talking to me again. Usually to check and make sure I’m eating correctly. I’ve actually lost one or two friends who gave me the silent treatment. I didn’t care enough to ask them to stop. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-silent-treatment/567253.md?page=3)