# The sleazy fucking jerk. No, she's not interested in you **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 12, 2008, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818 "2008-12-12T02:12:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/61 "2008-12-12T17:47:38Z")
> [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](#): > > Turning away and deliberately ignoring attempts at eye contact (as the OP said the girl was doing) is a pretty obvious “leave me alone” signal. Not that hard to decipher. Playing hard to get, eh? 😉 > [@palacheck](#): > > Walk my old neighborhood in Brooklyn 50 years ago and you would find it pulsing with conversation and activity(Italian neighborhood, but it was the same in most other neighborhoods). I don’t think a couple of Italian guys making catcalls and calling “Hey bambina! Why-a you such a beetch? I-a just-a say hello!” is what we’re looking for here. Also, I like to open with “you’re such a bitch!” Put THEM on the defensive and force them to prove they aren’t a bitch by getting me to date them. Actually that’s so crazy I wonder if it would work. Seriously though, most guys are pretty clueless and come from the school of thought where the way to a woman’s heart is to wear them down with inane prattle. I mean if you aproach a girl and the entire establishment is getting “go the fuck away” vibes, I would consider that a strong indicator of disinterest. It’s not like you are going to stumble across the magic words to open her pants using a brute force password cracking method. ---
**Author:** ![Ichini\_Sanshigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/d9b06d/32.png) [@Ichini\_Sanshigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ichini_Sanshigo)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/62 "2008-12-12T18:30:24Z")
> [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](#): > > Why does it need to be said if there are obvious “leave me alone” signals? Someone who’s being rude enough to ignore those signals is likely to ignore a verbal “leave me alone” too. > > Dude in Starbucks: _trying to make eye contact with girl sitting across from him_ > Girl: _turning head away_ > DIS: “Hello, how are you today?” > Girl: “I’m sorry, I don’t feel like talking” > DIS: “Why are you being such a bitch? I was just saying hello!” > > It’s honestly easier to ignore him completely or get up and leave if you’re getting that sort of vibe. Except he hadn’t called her a bitch. He was just being a little overly-friendly. Seriously, in my lifetime I’ve had unpleasant encounters with insistent assholes who called me vile names when I politely shut them down (in situations where it was much more clear that they were trying to pick me up - I’m sorry but eye contact and a smile doesn’t quite count as a pick-up, or even flirtation). These encounters don’t mean I am now scarred for life, and that I will subsequently run away like a little bitch with my tail between my legs if someone tries to talk to me. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/63 "2008-12-12T18:35:04Z")
> [@blondebear](#): > > What is the cut-off age of women that 50 year-old men CAN say hello to? This is valuable information to me. Yes, I am 45, so I’m curious. I know that my wife has already ruled that I can’t say hello to ANY women, but in case she relaxes that rule, what’s the age cutoff for my case? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/64 "2008-12-12T18:37:44Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Yes, I am 45, so I’m curious. I know that my wife has already ruled that I can’t say hello to ANY women, but in case she relaxes that rule, what’s the age cutoff for my case? There’s a formula for this, I read it somewhere. I think it’s twice your age, plus seven. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/65 "2008-12-12T18:38:23Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Yes, I am 45, so I’m curious. I know that my wife has already ruled that I can’t say hello to ANY women, but in case she relaxes that rule, what’s the age cutoff for my case? **Bricker** , we all know you love hypothetical questions. But this one tops “What if Obama was actually born in Kenya, then what?” from a couple weeks back. Actually, this one would have topped “What if Obama is actually a space alien, then what?” “In case she relaxes that rule?” Yeah, sure. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/66 "2008-12-12T18:54:04Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Yes, I am 45, so I’m curious. I know that my wife has already ruled that I can’t say hello to ANY women, but in case she relaxes that rule, what’s the age cutoff for my case? Let me ask you this. What possible purpose do you have talking to any strange woman in some public place, who is in the middle of doing something, other than hitting on her? “Oh hi! I just saw you there reading your book intently and I thought that you actually might find me more interesting!” ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/67 "2008-12-12T18:55:05Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > There’s a formula for this, I read it somewhere. I think it’s twice your age, plus seven. It’s half your age plus seven. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/68 "2008-12-12T19:03:32Z")
> [@Rysler](#): > > …Are you people that lonely? Join a bridge group! Of the kind one plays with cards, the kind one lives under or the kind one jumps from? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/69 "2008-12-12T19:05:10Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Let me ask you this. What possible purpose do you have talking to any strange woman in some public place, who is in the middle of doing something, other than hitting on her? > > “Oh hi! I just saw you there reading your book intently and I thought that you actually might find me more interesting!” Nonsexual interpersonal contact? This might seem odd, but I have female friends as well as male ones. ---
**Author:** ![Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3da27b/32.png) [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikki_Tikki_Tavi)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/70 "2008-12-12T19:07:00Z")
> [@Ichini\_Sanshigo](#): > > Except he hadn’t called her a bitch. He was just being a little overly-friendly. Right, but again, someone who’s ignoring obvious nonverbal brushoffs like pointedly avoiding eye contact is a good guess for the kind of asshole that will escalate a polite “I’m trying to read, sorry” into “WHO WANTS TO TALK TO A BITCH LIKE YOU ANYWAYS?!”. They’ve already demonstrated that they’re willing to be rude. > [@](#): > > Seriously, in my lifetime I’ve had unpleasant encounters with insistent assholes who called me vile names when I politely shut them down (in situations where it was much more clear that they were trying to pick me up - So have I, which is why if I’m getting a creepy/sleazy vibe I often choose to ignore them/remove myself from the situation rather than reply to them and spark a confrontation. > [@](#): > > I’m sorry but eye contact and a smile doesn’t quite count as a pick-up, or even flirtation). Trying to make eye contact with someone who’s deliberately looking away from you is trying to force a pick up, IMO. It’s certainly not akin to assult, but it’s not a friendly “happened to catch your eye” either. > [@](#): > > These encounters don’t mean I am now scarred for life, and that I will subsequently run away like a little bitch with my tail between my legs if someone tries to talk to me. I didn’t read anything in the OP to indicate that the girl “ran away like a little bitch with her tail between her legs”, **Spectre** just said she left shortly after. I also don’t consider me choosing to leave a situation where I feel uncomfortable and akward “running away like a little bitch”. What do you think someone should do in a situation like that if they have reason to suspect that replying will be more trouble than it’s worth? ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_Door](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@Bill\_Door](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_Door)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/71 "2008-12-12T19:20:05Z")
> [@Jeff](#): > > No kidding. I usually just wave my penis at them. No need for awkward small talk after that. I have taken the company mandated sexual harassment and diversity awareness program, and my understanding is that while you can show it to them, you can’t shake it at them. A word to the wise. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/72 "2008-12-12T19:34:10Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Nonsexual interpersonal contact? > > This might seem odd, but I have female friends as well as male ones. Yeah, so go call them instead of bothering perfect strangers. Or hang out with your wife. I know how it works. It starts with “Well, my wife relaxed the rule on talking to other women”. Next is, “oh we’re just a couple of friends having coffee”. Then you’re a couple of friends having drinks. Finally you’re banging your new friend up the ass in a cheap motel. And when you get caught you’re like “oh it just happened!” You may not even realize this. But she sure does as soon as you start talking to her. Another thing. If you initiate contact with someone (“hi”, “oh that looks like an interesting book”, whatever), they show disintrest, and you persist, you are no longer engaged in a spontaneous conversation. You are now “running game” on them. Whether you are trying to pick them up, sell them insurance or whatever it is that’s motivating you, you have gone from casual into activly positioning yourself. And most people find that creepy. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/73 "2008-12-12T19:40:17Z")
I’m trying really, really hard here… but I don’t get it. At all. What’s so hard about saying “Hi. No offense, but I’m really not feeling chatty. Thanks anyway.” Do people really spend their time worrying that a guy \*might \*call them a bitch? They actually get up and leave their comfy coffee spot rather than just politely decline conversation, and then proceed to NOT converse? Seriously? Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times that I don’t want to be bothered. But I just say so, and then refuse to be bothered any further. Acknowledge, than \*stop \*acknowledging. Easy peasy. I mean, you’re in Starbucks. It’s not as though this guy is a threat. Are we really so fragile that we can’t tolerate the presence of someone who might _speak to us_, even unpleasantly? ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/74 "2008-12-12T19:43:02Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > It’s half your age plus seven. I know you’re in love with that equation, but I believe she was making a joke. Instead of old guys looking for young women, she was saying maybe you guys should go after old women. A funny. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/75 "2008-12-12T19:49:02Z")
5 minute window, riiiight. > [@msmith537](#): > > Another thing. If you initiate contact with someone (“hi”, “oh that looks like an interesting book”, whatever), they show disintrest, and you persist, you are no longer engaged in a spontaneous conversation. You are now “running game” on them. Whether you are trying to pick them up, sell them insurance or whatever it is that’s motivating you, you have gone from casual into activly positioning yourself. And most people find that creepy. Shout it from the mountain tops because, sir, you speak the truth. I wish more people would realize this. I’m not saying the guy in the OP is a fucking jerk, but leave people alone who are actively trying to avoid you. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/76 "2008-12-12T19:51:05Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > By god, teach the man right for daring to say hello to a fellow human being. I mean, what the fuck is he thinking?!?!? HELLO?!?!? He actually said fucking “HELLO”??? Jebus, that’s half a step from just jumping on top of her in the store and raping the shit out of her! And at his age, attempting to communicate with a younger female AT ALL??? Miracle that she didn’t just whip out the can of mace and spray the fucker, then have him dragged off by the cops! > > Wow. The nerve of some people. > > :rolleyes: Damn, you said it all for me. 🆒 In no case is saying “hello” an evil act. I don’t care what the previous body langauge was. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/77 "2008-12-12T19:55:27Z")
Is it possible that no one here is being a jerk? It may be his quirk that he’s a bit clueless about body language. It may be her quirk that she’s extremely shy and non-confrontational. People can be different without being bad. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/78 "2008-12-12T20:08:12Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > To be clear, she didn’t actually turn her back, but she did look the other way. It was unmistakable. It occurs to me that in order for you to observe this event so carefully and minutely, you must have been looking rather intently (staring) for longer than normal than to just glance around the room. You were also observing and then typing in your notebook. It may be possible that this girl saw you staring at her and wondered what you were typing in your notebook and moved away in order to stop you from observing her. Who knows what you could have been typing?! It could have been (gasp!) a Pit thread violating her privacy about how other people are violating her privacy. As between people staring and typing in notebooks and people coming up to say hi, it’s a toss-up in regards to creepiness, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/79 "2008-12-12T20:11:06Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I’m trying really, really hard here… but I don’t get it. At all. > > What’s so hard about saying “Hi. No offense, but I’m really not feeling chatty. Thanks anyway.” Do people really spend their time worrying that a guy \*might \*call them a bitch? They actually get up and leave their comfy coffee spot rather than just politely decline conversation, and then proceed to NOT converse? Seriously? > > Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times that I don’t want to be bothered. But I just say so, and then refuse to be bothered any further. Acknowledge, than \*stop \*acknowledging. Easy peasy. > > I mean, you’re in Starbucks. It’s not as though this guy is a threat. Are we really so fragile that we can’t tolerate the presence of someone who might _speak to us_, even unpleasantly? Some women have been burned by “being nice.” The conversation started like this: Strange Man: Hi Her: Hello (returns to reading book) SM: Is that a good book? Her: (doesn’t look up) ummm, yeah… SM: Well, what is it about? Her: (looks up), um, I’m in the middle of reading right now, do you mind. SM: Oh, sorry five minutes pass… SM: So, do you come here often? Her: Excuse me? (because she was reading her book and didn’t hear him) SM: I really like this coffee shop - I was wondering if you were a regularly. Her: (now realizing this is Joe Clueless and if she used to come here every Saturday, she is visiting the Starbucks three blocks over from now on)…no, not really. If you’ll excuse me, I’m at a really good part… five minutes pass SM: So, would you like to go out sometime. Her: No… SM: Why not, I’m a nice guy. Her: I’m not interested. SM: Well, then why were you so nice to me! (And, as someone who was once followed HOME from the mall, clueless guys at Starbucks are sometimes creepy threatening stalkers you need to call the police on to get them off your front porch.) ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818/80 "2008-12-12T20:15:14Z")
But… and I’m genuinely not being snarky here… did you notice the part where you kept acknowledging him? I’m very serious when I say that once I’ve said that I don’t want to talk, I stop talking. In my experience, no one is going to keep yapping at the unresponsive person sitting next to them. It makes them look crazy. I’m not endorsing being “nice”. I’m endorsing being polite, and firm. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sleazy-fucking-jerk-no-shes-not-interested-in-you/476818.md?page=5)