# The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Garden Gnomen **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 25, 2005, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038 "2005-07-25T12:56:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Bookkeeper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bookkeeper/32/281_2.png) [@Bookkeeper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bookkeeper)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/201 "2005-07-28T19:21:29Z")
> [@sneezy5660](#): > > Wood chipper? Did someone say wood chipper? I want to play with the wood chipper, now. That is the coolest gadget on the planet. We were in Austin a couple of years ago, and ate at Texas Land and Cattle Co. The land across the highway was being cleared, and they had a **huge** wood chipper there. It took pieces of wood the size of tree trunks! Cool! Um, I’ve been watching _Fargo_ so I’m a little oogied by wood chippers right now. But I do like crème brûlée, and there’s a Laura Secord’s next door that has crème brûlée ice cream, which is some yummy. (I have to use the accents because I’m posting from work (coffee break - although I don’t drink coffee so it would be a Coke break, I guess) and they pays me (not much!) to be bilingual and do stuff in both English _et en Français_ while I’m working.) We had a BBQ & pool party a couple of weeks ago for the group I game with every week. Spouses/kids invited and one of the guys BBQs the meat and everyone else brings salads and stuff. I mixed up some green apple soda (good stuff, but bright poison green in colour) with apple cider (non-alcoholic) and got a brownish green concoction that I labelled as “Swampwater”. Needless to say, the kids were grossed out and polished off two jugs _toute suite_ (more French - they’re getting their money’s worth out of me today). ---
**Author:** ![MagicEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/202 "2005-07-28T19:35:23Z")
> [@Lissla Lissar](#): > > I am making Nigella Lawson caesar salad with roasted potatoes because it’s not 10000C today. Unfortunately, Mr. Lissar can’t eat it. Not quite anything near healthy yet, just at the soup stage. So I’m going to have to eat all of it myself. Oh, the pain! I can come over and help you finish off the salad! It sounds nummy. **Bobbio,** I’ve had a spilling-things kind of day, too. Fortunately, I didn’t spill on myself. Much. Mostly on the carpet. I have a Very Large Mug (the semi-official name is Tub O’ Coffee, but I usually keep it filled with ice water). **Bookkeeper,** I’ll have to remember the Swampwater thing. It would be perfect for Halloweenie. It’s so hot here, the farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. It’s supposed to be cooler this weekend, but of course I’m going out of town, so it will probably be hot there and cool here, and it’ll be hot again when I get back. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/203 "2005-07-28T19:44:20Z")
> [@donkey](#): > > Finally, the funny part. There was a man that came through, and his order isn’t important. What was important, was the fact that he had a hole in his pants. Not a small hole, mind you, but almost fist-sized. Where was the hole? Right on his crotch. His underwear were bright blue, for those keeping track. I didn’t mention it to him, but I think that he already knew about the hole. So were they boxers or briefs? Don’t tell me you didn’t notice. I know better! 😃 > [@FCM](#): > > And Happy B-day a day early to you. Did you ever get that ecard I sent you?? You sent me a birthday card? Really? Ya know, I’ve been getting a lot of ecards this week. Everyday there are like a dozen or so! They come one at a time and are there everytime I check my email! 😃 > [@Bobbio](#): > > Have you had any flashers of either gender go through your drive-up yet? And **I** get accused of asking TMI? ---
**Author:** ![DogMom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@DogMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DogMom)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/204 "2005-07-28T20:06:52Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > **Rue** , you shoulda tried a squirt gun. And you shouldn’t listen to your kids - they’re party poopers. Yeah, I was gonna say you ovbiously need to get yourself a new SuperSoaker ™ or something. And you _need_ that Cream Brool, eh? kit. _Every guy_ needs a personal blowtorch. Just ask DogDad! He’ll tell you! (He even got one in a tool chest that he got at an auction once and he _had_ to of course try it out right away. And he didn’t even singe his eyebrows or nothin.) ---
**Author:** ![Wintermute](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wintermute)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/205 "2005-07-28T20:42:32Z")
> [@chaoticdonkey](#): > > [SIZE=3] Finally, the funny part. There was a man that came through, and his order isn’t important. What was important, was the fact that he had a hole in his pants. Not a small hole, mind you, but almost fist-sized. Where was the hole? Right on his crotch. His underwear were bright blue, for those keeping track. I didn’t mention it to him, but I think that he already knew about the hole. A friend of mine once lived next door to a boy I lusted after mightily. I wanted him so badly I couldn’t even be sly about it; I was in heat, and everyone knew it. So one night I had picked up an acquantance and we were headed back to where I was staying to watch a video or something when I see this boy walking down the road. I pull over, kidnap him and take him back to my house, but we still have our chaperone. Once inside, I notice that he has a large hole in the crotch of his jeans. Not fist-sized, but larger than a silver dollar. Underneath, he was wearing red- and blue-striped boxers. I don’t remember any more if we watched a movie or not, but I can still remember that hole. And no, I never did get a chance to see anymore of those boxers. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/206 "2005-07-28T21:01:20Z")
> [@swampbear](#): > > Bettin’ on em to do what **Bumba**? 😃 No matter how much you beg and plead I don’t think **Ashes[sup]2[/sup]** is gonna run through the MMP in her skivvies. She’s way too classy for that. Especially since that last little err… umm… _incident_ about which we shall not speak. The bet was in response to **Shibb** ’s comment in the post above, except that **Puggy** snuck in and got between us. She does that sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/207 "2005-07-28T23:06:29Z")
Wow, it’s awfully chatty in here today… No spills to report, but apparently there was something on the bus seat this morning. I arrived at work with a spot on the back of my pantleg. Not removable, from what I could tell. But it matched my shirt. (Unusual fashion statement?) Rolled my eyes and moved on. Other than that…I gots nuthin’. Except…HAPPY DAY BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY, **SWAMPY**! GT ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/208 "2005-07-28T23:53:25Z")
T’chuh! When am I _not_ running through the MMP all nekkid? Waitaminute! **Bumba,** you specifically told me all MMPers had to be nekkid whilst posting back when I joined! Are you now telling me this was a _false_ requirement of membership for the MMP? All this time I’ve been chilly and… You _knew_ my desk chair pinches! I have a gappy blouse too, **taters**. See usually I avoid the gappy problem by buying a bigger size and then sewing the waist and hips smaller, but this one blouse snuck past me and it’s gappy. I solve this gappy problem by just opening an extra button. That way everybody’s happy. **Rue’s** boys are not strange about the torch issue. In fact, they seem wise beyond their years. Sure boys normally would love something like a torch, but you have to remember a very important fact. Their father is Rue. They know better than to let him anywhere near a torch until he gets a little older. I don’t have this problem. I should never ever been given a torch, but my mom lives far from me and so she figured she was safe. Also, I think a torch would work on flan. It would pretty much work on anything, but you might not end up liking _how_ it worked out. Poor Pepsi guy! I’ve been there, done that and it’s not fun. You get dizzy and nauseus and shaky and then you probably barf and even when you figure you’re not gonna die, you still feel like a deflated beach ball. I hope you didn’t give the Pepsi guy really cold water. We made that mistake once with a bicyclist. See, he’d ridden all the way from Boston that summer and the day he nearly got himself deaded it was at least 110 and he’d ridden about ninety windy miles with less than a gallon of water! He stopped at our place and we gave him lots of cold water since he hadn’t mentioned just how far he’d traveled that day. When we did, we were all ‘uh oh! this ain’t gonna be pretty’ and it wasn’t. Mom called the paramedics because if he wasn’t that sick yet, he was gonna be, cold water or not, that boy had heat stroke, he just didn’t know it yet. It took a good long time for the ambulance to get there and he had a chance to ‘exchange’ the cold water for some room temp water and re-think his plan to bike over the hills to San Diego. The paramedics took him away and we drove his bike into town for him and he caught a bus to San Diego. Which was good, but darn, he’d almost made it all the way from Boston only on his bike and when he was almost finished, kerplooey! Of course it’s 1115 degrees **swampy** , It’s Georgia after all. I heard you guys buy all the extra heat from other states so’s to balance out the humidity. Won’t have tourists flocking to the swamps if they’re not properly hot and humid. **Taxi** , you need to get your kitty it’s own bathroom, like I did. Now when they’re smellamous, which is always, I can just turn on the fan and close the door. Which reminds me; if I suddenly disappear, you guys tell the police that my cat Violet should be their number one suspect. I did a very bad thing today. I accidently vaccuumed up Violet’s most favorite toy in the whole world! RIP little piece of ribbon, maybe when I empty the bag I can go all coroner like on it and find the ribbon. This is actual proof that housework is bad for you. Stay safe, live like a pig instead. So I have a giant jar of marinated artichokes and some fake crab chunks, do you think they’d be good together? Here’s hoping marinated artichokes freeze well, because I’ll never get through that whole jar. What was I thinking? Oh that’s right, I wasn’t. So **Bobbio** , when you did the water splooshing thing, was it like in Flashdance when the stripper doused herself with water up on the stage? Tell everybody it was an hommage to 80’s films and then do a little dance. Nobody’ll suspect it wasn’t deliberate after that. **lightingtool** , if the MMP hadn’t been threadspotted already, your poop-gap post coulda done it all on it’s own. Hee! Poop-gap! Thanks \*\* taxi! \*\* Just in case-- **HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWAMPY!** And **winnie** , you need to work on those fake spoilers. I mean Yorrick? Everybody knows he’s the dead guy from a completely different story, which isn’t even a book, it’s a play. Oh, Bruce Willis’s character is actually dead! Ha! **Gardentraveler**? AM NOT EITHER! ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/209 "2005-07-29T00:59:18Z")
> [@Ashes](#): > > … **Gardentraveler**? AM NOT EITHER! Are too!!! 😛😃 GT ---
**Author:** ![BelZarak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BelZarak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BelZarak)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/210 "2005-07-29T03:57:32Z")
_Looks at the clock_ _Looks at the calendar_ _Prepaes to yell_ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWAMPBEAR!!** -Belz ---
**Author:** ![BelZarak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea666f/32.png) [@BelZarak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BelZarak)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/211 "2005-07-29T03:59:14Z")
_kicks his computer for being a couple of minutes fast and thus making the preceeding post end up on the wrong day_ -Belz (still wishing Swampy a happy bithday) ---
**Author:** ![MagicEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/212 "2005-07-29T04:48:43Z")
I’m running away for the weekend, but I had to pop in to say Happy Birthday, Swampy!!! No internet access this weekend. ☹ But at least I don’t have to go to any funerals. ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/213 "2005-07-29T06:02:06Z")
Heh, and I’m here on the RIGHT DAY with happy birthday wishes for **swampy**. **VunderBob:** Nope. Not in 4 years have I seen a streaker. I did have some old guy try to show me some porn once, (with females), and I responded by saying that showing pornography to a minor was illegal, and that he needed to leave. Which he did. **swampy** : Briefs, I think. They were kinda snug. I so got put in my place by a 12 year old girl. I told you that I’m a math tutor, right? I teach people calculus. Well, someone hands me $1.90 for something that’s 94 cents. (don’t ask why.) And I sit there like 😕 and give them 94 cents back, instead of 96. The little girl is quick to correct me, saying that she’s “an expert at math”, and I retort by saying that I teach people how to do calculus for a living (and stick my tounge out at her in my mind). ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/214 "2005-07-29T06:46:39Z")
Hey, it’s friday where **swampy** is, you’re right! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWAMPBEAR! I hear you’re a summer baby. I’ll bet you like the heat, hunh? > [@chaoticdonkey](#): > > I retort by saying that I teach people how to do calculus for a living (and stick my tongue out at her in my mind). You shoulda done it for real! It messes with their little minds when grown ups do that kinda stuff. That’s it **gardentraveler**! I’m getting my voo doo doll and writing ‘gardentraveler’ on it’s forehead and then-- Well, you’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you? Heh heh heh… [sup]AM NOT![/sup] ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/215 "2005-07-29T10:57:16Z")
So, everyone signed the [Official Happy Birthday Swampbear](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=327790) thread, right? But we can’t say it too many times, right? So:\*\* Happy Birthday!!!\*\* And **Ashes** … I’m telling Mom! And **swampy** , since you get to have a birthday today…can me an’ **Ashes** borrow your “most juvenile” title today? Can we? Can we? Can we? Huh? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/216 "2005-07-29T11:41:48Z")
I hereby convey (temporarily, I want it back on Monday) the coveted title of **“Most Juvenile”** to **Ashes[sup]2[/sup] and gardentraveler.** Use your new found (but temporary) powers wisely. The \ is a force not to be taken lightly. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/217 "2005-07-29T11:42:52Z")
Oh, and thanks for the bday wishes all. **donkey** I knew you’d know what kind of drawers he was wearing! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/218 "2005-07-29T11:48:23Z")
**Swampy,** I don’t think it’s been said yet, so Happy Birthday! ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/219 "2005-07-29T11:53:18Z")
Crap, I’m late! **Happy Birthday, Swampy!!!** And guess what I did yesterday? I had my first-ever _anxiety attack_! That was very odd, and I have no wish to do it again. Someone talk to the powers that be and tell 'em to leave me alone, I got enough to do. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2005, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038/220 "2005-07-29T12:59:56Z")
> [@Wintermute](#): > > Was there an official decision about the nickname? Because I’d feel bad calling him “Donkey”. Luckily for me, I don’t care what other people think. **Donkey** , **Donkey** , **Donkey**. He don’t like it, well it don’t bother me none. Unless our own **Donkey** , _says_ it gets right up his nose. Then I’ll stop. I’m not sure _what_ I’d start calling **Donkey** , but it’d be something different. Happy birthday **Swampy**! Happy birthday **Punch**! (She knows who she is. If she even sees this.) Happy birthday **Bear\_Nenno**! (I had to split those bears up. Don’t want them to fight.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-cruelty-to-garden-gnomen/314038.md?page=12)