# The sounds of badly-played instruments **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 7, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609 "2003-12-07T20:59:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/1 "2003-12-07T20:59:41Z")
Inspired by, of all things, [an ATMB thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=227028). I’ve known ever since elementary school (when I tried to play one) that a badly-played clarinet sounds like a dying bullfrog. And I’ve since come to appreciate (yes, appreciate: I LIKE it, dammit!) that tuba sounds like a flatulent elephant. Now, thanks to the SDMB and **Mr. B** , I now know that French horn sounds like seals mating. But there’s still plenty of instruments out there, just waiting to be misplayed. Your nominations? ---
**Author:** ![Gadfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/aeb1de/32.png) [@Gadfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadfly)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/2 "2003-12-07T21:57:41Z")
A badly played theremin (AUGH) is like a cat on fire. ---
**Author:** ![KingLupid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/839c29/32.png) [@KingLupid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KingLupid)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/3 "2003-12-07T22:01:49Z")
I think the title of this thread would make a great book title, possibly for a book having nothing to do with musical instruments. ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/4 "2003-12-07T22:18:52Z")
Well, in the case of a rusty trombone, I suppose a poor performance would be immediately heralded to all by a hearty scream…either that or a tuba-like report… What? I know what I’m talking about; mustn’t forget to open the water key every now and then… ---
**Author:** ![klockwerk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/klockwerk/32/6475_2.png) [@klockwerk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/klockwerk)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/5 "2003-12-07T22:30:57Z")
Bad oboe players trying to play in their low register, and they create the “squeek of death” instead. Sounds like the screeching dinosaurs in spielberg movies. The sound of two piccolos tuning (I’d rather just shoot one). You can’t even compare the sound to anything out there. And percussionists who don’t quite know exactly WHERE and HOW to hit their certain instruments. For instance, hitting claves together like you would clap your hands = wrong. Instead of making a good, resonant sound, it mutes the sound. Ugh. It’s like someone trying to hit a tree and expect music to come out of it. Ah yes, and the tromboon: put a bassoon mouthpiece (with the reed) into your trombone, and play. It’s a fascinating sound, something like an airplane. Which brings me to the tromobonaphone: a trombone with a sax mouthpiece. You can simular the sound of a car perfectly. And if you bite the reed and blow, it sounds as though your car is screeching around a corner at high speed. ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy154](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/ad7895/32.png) [@quiltguy154](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy154)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/6 "2003-12-07T22:40:06Z")
Every time bagpipes are played badly, a kitty is being strangled. ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/7 "2003-12-07T22:45:53Z")
Well, I decided to, rather than merely observe, contribute something. I’ll second **klockwerk** with his dismay over unskilled percussionists. Instruments like drums and cymbals are easy to play poorly; some people don’t know where and how to stroke, they play certain traps at a higher volume than they should in relation to others, etc. Traps like the tambourine and triangle I have little tolerance for these days; I have years of experiencing poor performances on these instruments. I also dislike the ‘C’ harmonica. I’ve heard too many scales in ‘C’, and, combined with the shrill nature of a diatonic harmonica, it’s unbearable to me. ---
**Author:** ![Parkerz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@Parkerz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parkerz)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2003, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/8 "2003-12-07T23:41:47Z")
A badly played bassoon especially in the low registar sounds like goose in severe pain, or possibly two geese(if you can find two bassoonists) mating. Thank goodness in the high register of the bassoon if you can’t play it well, makes no noise at all. (B and up) ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/9 "2003-12-08T00:03:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by klockwerk \* > **And if you bite the reed and blow,** Dammit, **klockwerk**! It’s going to take me at least an hour to unjangle my spine now… ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/10 "2003-12-08T00:04:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by quiltguy154 \* > \*\*Every time bagpipes are played badly, a kitty is being strangled. \*\* Is there a correllation then between bad bagpipe playing and masturbation? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/11 "2003-12-08T03:00:51Z")
OK, so we have: Theramin: Burning cat Oboe: Screeching velociraptor Bagpipes: Strangled cat Bassoon: Tortured goose, or (blessedly) girrafe Looks like a good start. ---
**Author:** ![klockwerk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/klockwerk/32/6475_2.png) [@klockwerk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/klockwerk)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/12 "2003-12-08T05:59:10Z")
You left out my trombone hyrbrids. 😃 Not necessary, I guess they aren’t _real_ instruments. If you want to hear a recording of the Tromboon, pick up P.D.Q. Bach’s CD The 1712 Overture. It’s a good laugh. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/13 "2003-12-08T06:16:55Z")
Bagpipes played badly sound exactly like bagpipes played well. ---
**Author:** ![CadburyAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c2a13f/32.png) [@CadburyAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CadburyAngel)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/14 "2003-12-08T17:58:55Z")
In extremely incompetent hands, the oboe is a velociraptor, yes. But in just merely untrained and indifferent hands, it is a duck, and not a happy duck at that. ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/15 "2003-12-08T20:14:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Parkerz \* > \*\*A badly played bassoon especially in the low registar sounds like goose in severe pain, or possibly two geese(if you can find two bassoonists) mating. > > Thank goodness in the high register of the bassoon if you can’t play it well, makes no noise at all. (B and up) \*\* Peter Schiekle said something on Music For an Awful Lot of Winds and Percussion. This is the CD that includes a bassoon quartet. I believe the line is something along the lines of: “[Some guy] said the only sound more beautiful than one guitar is two guitars. So what’s more beautiful than two guitars? Four bassoons.” Actually, it works out pretty well, but I guess four bad bassoons would sound like some sort of waterfowl orgy. [QUOTE] _Originally posted by CadburyAngel \* In extremely incompetent hands, the oboe is a velociraptor, yes. But in just merely untrained and indifferent hands, it is a duck, and not a happy duck at that._ Ah, _Peter and the Wolf_ for a new millenium. Besides, a duck is somewhat related to a velociraptor. ---
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/16 "2003-12-08T20:35:46Z")
I played the trumpet in junior high and high school. There is more than one way to play a trumpet badly: Blowing too softly: An owl on valium Playing too loudly: Castrating a chimpanzee without anesthesia Not emptying the spit valve when it (desperately) needs to be emptied: A drowning peacock Not keeping the keys oiled: An old rusty manual typewriter ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/17 "2003-12-08T21:06:27Z")
**Chronos** , thanks for this thread! (Although I’m a little surprised we haven’t yet heard from **Algernon**. After all, it was he introduced to me the hybrid “Frumpet,” and I _did_ include him in my silly _Green Hornet_ send-up. \) **klockwerk** : I have had the opportunity to try out a Tromboon. It’s exactly as you said, only my wife has left me and my dog has peed on the carpet. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/18 "2003-12-08T21:08:31Z")
Uh, “he **who** introduced…” Damn spit valve. ---
**Author:** ![KidCharlemagne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ed8c4c/32.png) [@KidCharlemagne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KidCharlemagne)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2003, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/19 "2003-12-08T21:56:22Z")
Bagpipes sound like someone is hitting a cat with a baby. ---
**Author:** ![bughunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/20 "2003-12-09T00:46:27Z")
Come, now, **KidCharlemagne** , the bagpipes clearly sound more like someone hitting a baby with a cat. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609.md?page=2)