# The sounds of badly-played instruments **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 7, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609 "2003-12-07T20:59:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/21 "2003-12-09T00:50:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwc1970 \* > \*\*Not keeping the keys oiled: An old rusty manual typewriter \*\* Ah, I remember those pianissimo sections in high school band… _click, click, click-lick-lick, click…_ ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/22 "2003-12-09T00:52:57Z")
I should recommend to you all the glories of [The Portsmouth Sinfonia](http://members.chello.at/hspecht/), dedicated to the proposition that enthusiasm for the music is much more important than musical talent. ---
**Author:** ![Dizzy\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dizzy\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dizzy_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/23 "2003-12-09T01:30:53Z")
A badly-played E-flat alto clarinet sounds like an emotionally distressed cow. Actually, I have yet to hear a well-played E-flat alto clarinet. ---
**Author:** ![Hometownboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/5e9695/32.png) [@Hometownboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hometownboy)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/24 "2003-12-09T01:31:01Z")
Along those lines, I commend to you the exquisitely bad [Guckenheimer and his Sour Kraut Band](http://www.spaceagepop.com/guck.htm) Back in the 1960s I worked at a small town radio station that had a copy of one of their albums. It takes great musicianship to miss notes and chords by just enough to be piercingly sour, and this bunch has the gift. In the immortal words of Spider Robinson, “It cleared the room like a Yoko Ono record.” Interestingly enough, the notes on the above URL reveal that the whole thing was a project of Richard Gump, scion of the family known for the famous San Francisco store. ---
**Author:** ![NoCoolUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5fc32e/32.png) [@NoCoolUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoCoolUserName)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/25 "2003-12-09T01:48:13Z")
The classic Heinlein quote is > [@](#): > > Pipes seem very odd when you first hear them, and a tyro practicing can set your teeth on edge–it sounds and looks as if he has a cat under his arm, its tail in his mouth, and biting it. A beginner attempting to play a violin is probably the most horrid sound on earth. I’d describe it as somewhere between a cat being torn in half and a coloratura soprano being burned at the stake. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/26 "2003-12-09T04:01:36Z")
Which brings us up to: Clarinet: Dying bullfrog Tuba: Flatulent elephant French horn: Mating seals Theramin: Burning cat Oboe: Screeching velociraptor or unhappy duck Bagpipes: Strangled cat Bassoon: Tortured goose, or (blessedly) girrafe Trumpet: Chimpanzee being castrated, doped-up owl, drowning peacock, or rusty typewriter Alto clarinet: Emotionally-distressed cow Violin: Gutted cat (how appropriate) or burning coloratura And sorry, **klockwerk** , but “airplane” or “car” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “mating seals”. Can’t the car at least have a bad transmission ;)? ---
**Author:** ![klockwerk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/klockwerk/32/6475_2.png) [@klockwerk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/klockwerk)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/27 "2003-12-09T05:26:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwc1970 \*\*\* > Not keeping the keys oiled: An old rusty manual typewriter \*\* Ah, that reminds me. Not having your trombone slide oiled properly also makes for some disturbing noise. I’m not quite sure what to compare the sound to, other than the simple sound of metal scratching against metal. It’s not quite nails on the chalkboard, but that’s the closest ugly metaphor I can come up with. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Chronos \*\*\* > And sorry, klockwerk, but “airplane” or “car” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “mating seals”. Can’t the car at least have a bad transmission ?_\* Believe me, you have no idea until you’ve actually heard the sound. I suppose the airplane could be a WWII era plane going down in a dogfight. As for the car…:rolleyes:, I guess it does sound too much like a fancy (and healthy) sportscar, unless you do the biting of the reed thing to accomplish the sound of a car screeching to a halt and burning rubber. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/28 "2003-12-09T08:21:33Z")
Hammond organs, even when played well (i.e. not by me), still sould like music to ice skate to. ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/29 "2003-12-09T18:42:49Z")
My mentor and tuba teacher, Howard Johnson, refers to the soprano saxophone as the “weasel horn.” Unfortunately, it’s most apt. Maybe it’s something about reeds: we were once in attendance at a concert where a sax quartet was playing some new composition that was . . . well, it was hard to take, let me put it like that. And even harder after he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Isn’t this just the soundtrack to those old Heckle and Jeckle cartoons?” I had to go out in the lobby; you’re not supposed to be laughing like that in the middle of a gig. your humble TubaDiva Who will join 350 of her closest friends Friday the 12th for Atlanta TubaChristmas. Hopefully it will sound better than what’s in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/30 "2003-12-09T18:57:42Z")
> [@](#): > > …you’re not supposed to be laughing like that in the middle of a gig. (Unless, of course, someone puts a Pez dispenser on your leg.) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![klockwerk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/klockwerk/32/6475_2.png) [@klockwerk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/klockwerk)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/31 "2003-12-09T19:04:14Z")
Oh, by the way **TubaDiva** , I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that I go to school where the famed John Griffiths teaches (Univeristy of Regina). It’s a priveledge to get to take classes and study with such a great man. How long have you been playing Tuba? Back on to the main topic: John has a thing for playing the most interesting pieces, including songs which involve doubling his tuba part with humming into the mouthpiece while buzzing. I can’t quite remember the name for this technique, but it’s on the top of my head. Anyhow, speaking of vulgar sounds, I’m off to write my music history exam for the ancient to Baroque time periods. ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/32 "2003-12-09T19:18:19Z")
A badly-played trumpet might with some accuracy be compared to the sounds one expects to hear from the long-lost elephant burial grounds as a new resident prepares to move in. Or so my sixth grade band instructor stated as he described my early efforts. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/33 "2003-12-09T19:30:15Z")
[sub]no hyphen needed in **badly played** [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![panamajack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/47e85d/32.png) [@panamajack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panamajack)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/34 "2003-12-09T20:52:57Z")
“The sound of a harpsichord - two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm.” - Sir Thomas Beecham Of course that’s even played properly, but it’s a great image. I’d say the recorder played badly is something like a dying bird being thrown down a well. ---
**Author:** ![panamajack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/47e85d/32.png) [@panamajack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panamajack)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2003, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/35 "2003-12-09T21:01:34Z")
Some more from Beecham and others, from [this page](http://www.bic.mni.mcgill.ca/users/warrier/Graphics/Fun/sarcasm.html) of musical sarcasm: “Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on.” --Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die Walkyre “Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed.” --Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono “Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it.” --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist. ---
**Author:** ![Contrabass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cc9497/32.png) [@Contrabass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrabass)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/36 "2003-12-10T02:03:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CadburyAngel \* > \*\*In extremely incompetent hands, the oboe is a velociraptor, yes. But in just merely untrained and indifferent hands, it is a duck, and not a happy duck at that. \*\* OK, the description of the tromboon and the trombonophone definitely made me smile. But your comment really made me laugh out loud! Thanks, I needed that… lol… ---
**Author:** ![Contrabass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/cc9497/32.png) [@Contrabass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrabass)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/37 "2003-12-10T02:14:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Contrabass \* > \*\*OK, the description of the tromboon and the trombonophone definitely made me smile. But your comment really made me laugh out loud! > > Thanks, I needed that… lol… \*\* Oh yeah… forgot to keep it on topic. The Double Bass doesn’t sound too tragic when played badly. With the bow, you might get some weak sounds or maybe squeaking, but nothing so objectionable sounding. This reminds me of a joke, though. How do you get the bass section of an orchestra to play in tune? Shoot all but one of them. . . . . . (sorry.) It’s true though, nothing sounds like mud quite like an out of tune bass section. Gorecki was certainly taking a chance when he composed his 3rd symphony… ---
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/38 "2003-12-10T08:12:29Z")
The really low part of the human voice sounds like gravel. I’m not sure if that makes sense, since gravel itself doesn’t make a sound unless you walk on it or drop it or something. But it’s true. ---
**Author:** ![I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@I\_can\_t\_believe\_that\_s\_butter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_can_t_believe_that_s_butter)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/39 "2003-12-10T09:14:28Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Contrabass_ > **The Double Bass doesn’t sound too tragic when played badly.** You, sir (or madam), have not heard me butcher a perfectly good double bass. I’ve gotten feline whooping-cough outta that thing. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TJdude825 \* > \*\*The really low part of the human voice sounds like gravel. I’m not sure if that makes sense, since gravel itself doesn’t make a sound unless you walk on it or drop it or something. But it’s true. \*\* If you refer to those with bass voices, I always thought that the lower notes (E[sup]2[/sup] and lower, maybe?) sounded like ripping a tin can in half. But, that could be a good voice doing that, what with cycles and all. Now, poorly-used bass voices, or bass-parts-sung-by-tenors, disturb me. You hear a bit of this in doo-wop -type things (doesn’t Frank Zappa parody this in _Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow_?). To me, it sounds exactly like paper ripping, which isn’t that alarming unless you imagine the paper in question to be a really important bill or somesuch. ---
**Author:** ![Angua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8baadc/32.png) [@Angua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angua)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/40 "2003-12-10T11:27:43Z")
The sound of a badly played soprano (descant) recorder is akin to taking a cat, squashing it (so that it makes that high pitched squeeky sound), and then running its claws across a blackboard. Yes it grates, its awful. I recall one instance, where I was at a friend’s house and the next-door neighbour’s kid must have been learning to play the recorder. It was a crap recorder to start with, but coupled with it being played very inexpertly, I sat there and convulsed in sheer horror. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609.md?page=3)