# The sounds of badly-played instruments **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 7, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609 "2003-12-07T20:59:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/41 "2003-12-10T11:40:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwc1970 \* > \*\*Blowing too softly: An owl on valium \*\* A bad trumpet player playing _too softly?!?_ Quick, put him in a zoo, he’s an endangered species! :eek: A badly played clarinet sounds like a thousand math teachers all squeaking the chalk across the chalkboard at once. A badly played violin sounds like dinner music from Dante’s ninth circle of Hell. A badly played flute sounds like steam escaping from a broken valve… ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/42 "2003-12-10T16:21:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by klockwerk \* > \*\*Oh, by the way **TubaDiva** , I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that I go to school where the famed John Griffiths teaches (Univeristy of Regina). It’s a priveledge to get to take classes and study with such a great man. How long have you been playing Tuba? > > Back on to the main topic: John has a thing for playing the most interesting pieces, including songs which involve doubling his tuba part with humming into the mouthpiece while buzzing. I can’t quite remember the name for this technique, but it’s on the top of my head. > > Anyhow, speaking of vulgar sounds, I’m off to write my music history exam for the ancient to Baroque time periods. \*\* Hijacking some more and I apologize, but I can’t let a reference to John Griffiths go unanswered! The world is filled with bad tubists and worst tuba teachers, but he rises above all. A great teacher, a tremendous musician, and I hear a pretty neat human being too. I’ve not had the pleasure of his company in person, but we do have tuba-playing friends in common and they all tell me how fabulous he is. Is Ed Lewis still the trumpet guy at UofR? He’s even cooler than John and I’ve known Ed for years. The technique by which you sing or hum a tone while playing on a wind instrument is called “multiphonics.” Properly done, it’s a neat effect. Not everyone can do it and not everyone can do it well. your humble TubaDiva ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/43 "2003-12-10T16:24:13Z")
Oh, and I’ve been playing tuba for . . . ye gods, over 20 years now. Been abusing musical instruments and torturing other people for . . . lots longer than that. your humble TubaDiva “I’ve suffered for my art, now it’s your turn.” ---
**Author:** ![Glassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ea666f/32.png) [@Glassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Glassy)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/44 "2003-12-10T16:57:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by NoCoolUserName \* > \*\*A beginner attempting to play a violin is probably the most horrid sound on earth. I’d describe it as somewhere between a cat being torn in half and a coloratura soprano being burned at the stake. \*\* Yes, except louder. LOUD. My college roommate was learning to play violin. Imagine being trapped inside a tiny, tiny brick-walled dorm room with someone who doesn’t know how to control the volume of this piercing instrument. That noise went right through my skull and made my brains resonate with sympathetic agony. Ow. It was really loud. ---
**Author:** ![Heller\_Highwater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@Heller\_Highwater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heller_Highwater)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/45 "2003-12-10T16:58:03Z")
Surprisingly, one of the most apt descriptions of the sound of a bassoon I’ve heard came as a compliment from my high school band conductor: “Not bad for a farting bedpost.” At least, I _think_ it was a compliment. 😕 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/46 "2003-12-10T17:29:12Z")
Man, that’ll teach me to not leave a thread unnattended! While I was gone, it went and got Threadspotted. Clarinet: Dying bullfrog, or 10[sup]3[/sup] chalk-squeakers Tuba: Flatulent elephant French horn: Mating seals Theramin: Burning cat Oboe: Screeching velociraptor or unhappy duck Bagpipes: Strangled cat Bassoon: Tortured goose, or (blessedly) girrafe, or farting bedpost (I don’t understand this last one either, but I like it) Trumpet: Chimpanzee being castrated, doped-up owl, drowning peacock, or rusty typewriter, or expectant long-lost elephant burial grounds Alto clarinet: Emotionally-distressed cow Violin: Gutted cat (how appropriate) or burning coloratura Tromboon: WWII dogfighter going down in flames Harpsichord: Two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm (I think we have a new winner, here!) Recorder: Dying bird being thrown down a well, or squashed cat on a blackboard Yoko Ono: Goosed eagle (but then, what does a _properly_ played Yoko Ono sound like?) Double bass: Cat with whooping cough And sadly, Ms. **Diva** , the world is not filled with bad tuba players. One must presume that any world filled with tuba players, of whatever quality, would of necessity be better than the one which we actually inhabit. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/47 "2003-12-10T18:10:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chronos \* > \*\*Yoko Ono: Goosed eagle (but then, what does a _properly_ played Yoko Ono sound like?) \*\* If we’re lucky, hypersonic registers that humans can’t hear. I remain unconvinced that the Yoko Ono wail from Barenaked Ladies’ _Be My Yoko Ono_ is fake… ---
**Author:** ![klockwerk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/klockwerk/32/6475_2.png) [@klockwerk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/klockwerk)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/48 "2003-12-10T18:13:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TubaDiva \* > **Is Ed Lewis still the trumpet guy at UofR? He’s even cooler than John and I’ve known Ed for years.** Yep, Ed’s still here. He was the main dude for my jury. Nerve-wracking to say the least. Everyone here wants me to join the jazz band, but I just don’t have the time. Otherwise, I’d be able to spend more time with Proffessor Lewis. Send an email to [lukas.miller@sasktel.net](mailto:lukas.miller@sasktel.net) if you wanna talk some more without hijacking this thread to smithereens. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/49 "2003-12-10T19:42:32Z")
Reminds me of something funny I heard once: “The best sound an acordian makes is the sound of it hitting the bottom of the dumpster. The only thing that sounds better is when it lands on a banjo.” * * * BCS stands for (illegitimate child) + (crowing rooster) + (Tootsie Pops) ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/50 "2003-12-10T19:59:58Z")
_Originally posted by Gadfly_ > [@](#): > > A badly played theremin (AUGH) is like a cat on fire. The reverse of this was illustrated by old-time cartoonist H. T. Webster, in his “Unseen Audience” series–radio cartoons. A little boy is pulling a cat’s tail; the cat has its mouth wide open. From another room, the parent’s voice says, “Donald, _do_ turn off that radio. I can’t stand that soprano another second.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2003, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/51 "2003-12-10T21:05:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by quiltguy154 \* > \*\*Every time bagpipes are played badly, a kitty is being strangled. \*\* Well, if there was any justice, a bagpiper would be strangled… They can be nice, but a little goes a long way, IMO. I used to hear Jim McGillivray (sp?), known as one of the best pipers in the world on every special occasion. This was _tolerable_. A bad piper should be bludgeoned with a frozen haggis. As my physics teacher used to say, a gentleman is one who knows how to play the bagpipes and doesn’t. LC ---
**Author:** ![NoCoolUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5fc32e/32.png) [@NoCoolUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoCoolUserName)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/52 "2003-12-11T00:45:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Chronos \* > \*\*Violin: Gutted cat (how appropriate) or burning coloratura > \*\* Should be > [@](#): > > Cat being gutted **and** burning coloratura (mix to taste) And **Glassy** , you’ve made an old man very happy. To be quoted in someone else’s post–and it’s FUNNY! Well, I can die happy now. And finally… **Mr. B** : could you explain the Pez dispenser? I hate it when I don’t get a music joke. ---
**Author:** ![Dancing\_Fool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/59ef9b/32.png) [@Dancing\_Fool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dancing_Fool)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/53 "2003-12-11T01:11:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by quiltguy154 \* > \*\*Every time bagpipes are played badly, a kitty is being strangled. \*\* Small Hijack here: OK - one bagpipe - strangled cat. What about 5? The Australian portion of the _Solomon Islands Intervention Force_ (basically peacekeepers) recently gave as a goodwill gesture 5 bagpipes, 1 bass drum and two side drums to a school in Honiara. The students had watched a military band and been fascinated, so they gave them some lessons and then the instruments. Good will gesture? Are they insane? Have you ever heard 5 enthusiastic beginners play bagpipes at once? With some drummers (also beginners) joining in? Did I mention that this is a boarding school, so this happens at all hours? OK - back to our regular programming I recently saw a busker who was playing a _slide didjeridoo._ He could change the length while playing, which alters the key. Very impressive - it had that bees swarming on an upset dog through a tunnel sound of an ordinary didje, but he could pick notes and do slides like a slide trombone. DancingFool ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/54 "2003-12-11T01:18:55Z")
Several years ago, I was living happily in an apartment. My peace was one day rudely interrupted when the person downstairs decided to learn the cello. For two months, all I heard was scales and the sound of an unhappy Holstein blending with the pigeons roosting on the ledge under the windows. oooormm… ooOoOrm… rooorm… oooor… oOoOOrM… ooor ooor ooor ooor… Oroonnk… Rooorm… oooRm… orOoorm… oooroom… ooor ooor ooor ooor… wafting up through the floor. Then one day, she finds a pal whol’s also taking up the instrument. Two minutes after the celli came out, I went out for a couple hours. Happily, she was able to take a hint later on. In the laundry room, I’d casually said how my work schedule had changed (a lie) that that I was working now evenings, which meant that I left home at 1:00 PM and was back at 10:00. ---
**Author:** ![Finger\_Princess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b77776/32.png) [@Finger\_Princess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finger_Princess)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/55 "2003-12-11T05:01:21Z")
The mighty tuba deserves to be covered a bit more in-depth here; in the proper hands it can be an instrument of most bizarre and horrific sounds (I should know; the others in my high school band delight in making these sounds.) Tuba trying to play too high: Frightened walrus Tuba fishing for double-pedal-F or other ungodly low notes: A particularly malevolent semi truck Tuba playing too loudly: A damaged B-52 bomber or a moose with Tourette’s. Tuba playing too softly: Nun farts. > [@](#): > > One must presume that any world filled with tuba players, of whatever quality, would of necessity be better than the one which we actually inhabit. I don’t know what tubists you’ve been boarding with, **Chronos** , but a world full of the ones with whom I work would be a hellish wasteland of fart spray, whiskey, and magazines with titles like “Big Ol’ Trucks With Nekkid Girls Next To 'Em.” ---
**Author:** ![aaslatten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f14d63/32.png) [@aaslatten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aaslatten)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/56 "2003-12-11T05:21:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gatopescado \* > \*\*Reminds me of something funny I heard once: > > “The best sound an acordian makes is the sound of it hitting the bottom of the dumpster. The only thing that sounds better is when it lands on a banjo.” > > * * * > > BCS stands for (illegitimate child) + (crowing rooster) + (Tootsie Pops) \*\* Hehe. And this brings me to … A badly played banjo sounds like a well played banjo… ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/57 "2003-12-11T05:55:29Z")
Quoth **Finger Princess** : > [@](#): > > Tuba fishing for double-pedal-F or other ungodly low notes: A particularly malevolent semi truck I once actually managed to hit the fundamental of a four-valve tuba for a brief moment (of course, I was panting for breath for the rest of the day), and although I didn’t think of it that way at the time, in retrospect it did sound rather like the mother of all Mac trucks. Maybe that thing they use to bring the Shuttle from the VAB to the launch pad, or one of those mining excavators with the thousand-ton bucket. And you obviously haven’t hung around with very many tubists, or you would know that the vast majority of us are cultured, erudite gentlepersons. Not that that’s inconsistent with the appreciation of fine visual arts like nekkid girls, of course. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/58 "2003-12-11T05:59:33Z")
Wow! I’ve got to get out into Cafe Society more often. **NoCoolUserName** : Sorry, not a music joke. What with all the cleverness around here, I’m a little ashamed to tell you the Pez reference comes from a _Seinfeld_ episode. You’re not a fan?! **Dancing Fool** : 5 bagpipes + 5 neophytes. 😃 :eek: > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dancing Fool \* > > I recently saw a busker who was playing a _slide didjeridoo._ He could change the length while playing, which alters the key. Very impressive - it had that bees swarming on an upset dog through a tunnel sound of an ordinary didje, but he could pick notes and do slides like a slide trombone. Great description. I would _love_ to hear “Smoke On The Water” on one of those things. Got any linkage to anything about this wunderstick? > [@](#): > > _by gotpasswords_ > > Happily, she was able to take a hint later on. In the laundry room, I’d casually said how my work schedule had changed (a lie) that that I was working now evenings, which meant that I left home at 1:00 PM and was back at 10:00. We should all be so diplomatic. I’ve lived in a few apartments in my day. During said practice, my own (sorry, bad pun) – _flat_ brinkmanship would have led me to placing my stereo speakers face-down on the floor and cranking some Yo Yo Ma. I was a rotten tenant. All right. : rolls sleeves : Played badly, (and especially, freshly _empty_), a whiskey jug sounds just like a flatulent Morgan pony. ---
**Author:** ![RobertP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e8cbc/32.png) [@RobertP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobertP)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/59 "2003-12-11T11:32:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Michael Ellis \* > \*\*Hammond organs, even when played well (i.e. not by me), still sould like music to ice skate to. \*\* you would like Rick Wakeman’s _King Arthur on Ice_ then… ---
**Author:** ![RobertP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e8cbc/32.png) [@RobertP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobertP)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609/60 "2003-12-11T11:41:35Z")
I see that we are finally getting a few related to bodily sounds… I too played trumpet in our high school band. When one of us would blow too hard on a low note, it would bend pitch in a sort of sad, rumbling way. My conductor would look around suspiciously and ask "Who just did that? That sounded like a gosh-darn **elephant fart**! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-sounds-of-badly-played-instruments/217609.md?page=4)