# The Squeaking Bed! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 27, 1999, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352 "1999-08-27T00:05:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/1 "1999-08-27T00:05:00Z")
HOW do you get it to stop squeaking?? (Wooden head- and foot-boards; metal side rails; slats; box springs and mattress.) This is maddening!!! ---
**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/2 "1999-08-27T00:27:00Z")
Do it on the floor, or on the couch, or on the kitchen table, or…ooops, I’m getting carried away here. 😉 * * * I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. Alexandre Dumas the Younger (1824-1895) ---
**Author:** ![mr\_john](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@mr\_john](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr_john)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/3 "1999-08-27T00:27:00Z")
you and your soul mate should get adventurous. start doing it in different rooms. Or just give up sex totally. Seriously I am furniture maker and squekky is a problem.a few hints. tighten every screw and bolt you can.doesn’t sound like you got any on that bed. Put a generous coating of paste wax on all the meeting parts. the ends of the slats and the rails where they rest. work a blob into the slots wher the rails go into the head and foot. get industrious drill two holes in each end of each slat and through the rail bolt it together. drill through the ‘flanges’ on the rails and screw them to the head. Sprinkle talc at rub points. good luck. Now i got this squeeky bench in the backyard and every time the wife and I… oh, never mind no one can hear us out there. * * * “Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.”-Marx ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/4 "1999-08-27T00:31:00Z")
I think you’ve misunderstood me. I don’t have a “soulmate.” ☹ My point is much more mundane: It’s maddening to lie in bed, and lean over to reach for a book, or answer the phone, or just roll over when I want to feel more comfortable, and the squeaking starts again. I’d just like to be able to do something to the bed to get it to stop the damn squeaking! (I’m 50 and, believe it or not, I have never “done it” at all.) ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/5 "1999-08-27T00:38:00Z")
Excuse me, MrJohn. I jumped the gun. I see you \* are \* answering my question. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/6 "1999-08-27T13:09:00Z")
Waterbed. * * * \>^,^\< KITTEN Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/7 "1999-08-27T13:23:00Z")
Valium. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/8 "1999-08-27T14:46:00Z")
Mousetrap. * * * Chaim Mattis Keller [ckeller@schicktech.com](mailto:ckeller@schicktech.com) “Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible. The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.” – Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective ---
**Author:** ![Leslie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba8739/32.png) [@Leslie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leslie)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 1999, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/9 "1999-08-27T16:19:00Z")
> [@](#): > > (I’m 50 and, believe it or not, I have never “done it” at all.) Now \*\* this \*\* would be a much more interesting thread! ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/10 "1999-08-28T00:44:00Z")
Re: 50 year old who has not “done it.” \ACK!!!\ **Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/11 "1999-08-28T00:44:00Z") Re: 50 year old who has not “done it.” \ACK!!!\ * * * Brian O’Neill CMC International Records [rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html](http://rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html) ICQ 35294890 AIM Scrabble1 Yahoo Messenger Brian\_ONeill ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/12 "1999-08-28T00:51:00Z")
_sigh_ Oh Mr. Moderator? Please feel free to censor the above abomination of HTML technique… Bless you! ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/13 "1999-08-28T10:03:00Z")
You have not done “it”. Please define “it”. What, conjugated a verb? Drove a car at over 100mph? Smoked pot? “It” is pretty vague… we need details here, man, details! Or is this just to get your bed to stop squeaking as you continue your relationship with your right hand? Because, man, if you haven’t gone there than I don’t think you can go anywhere else! * * * The moon looks on many flowers, the flowers on but one moon. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/14 "1999-08-28T20:16:00Z")
You want details, I’ll give you details. I have not had sex. No social life, nothing. I have never driven a car faster than 80 mph, and that for only short stretches. I have not “smoked pot”; I continued, for a while, a discussion of this topic in the Great Debates forum without success. (For the record I don’t drink alcohol either–not even beer. I don’t like rock, movies, or political and social causes. This may leave me with nothing–but I would rather look than leap.) ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/15 "1999-08-28T21:14:00Z")
Do you even kill people? ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/16 "1999-08-28T21:17:00Z")
Ask a silly question… - \*\* NO, DAMMIT!! I DO NOT KILL PEOPLE!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT INANE IDEA!!!\* \*\* * * * “The signs don’t apply to illiterates.”–Al Jaffee ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 1999, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/17 "1999-08-28T22:58:00Z")
Well, it’s something to do… ---
**Author:** ![DougC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@DougC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DougC)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 1999, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/18 "1999-08-29T13:38:00Z")
- - - Well, obviously if somebody is a virgin there isn’t much to tell. The older you are the more difficult it is to explain to a prospective bedmate that you don’t have much experience. They often think it’s a lie (to get them in bed) or that you’re being cute. Either way (if you tell them or not), when they find out that you really don’t know how to do things well they think you are wierd and they lose your phone number. -And tell their friends. - I for one can’t do the “unhook-the-bra-with-one-hand” bit, and several girls have avoided me ever since the date that they found that out. - - I also think that this situation is more difficult for guys than girls. Women aren’t expected to “perform” the way men are. The lady can bring him home and then pass out drunk and the guy will still leave (fairly) satisfied 15 minutes later. - MC ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 1999, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/19 "1999-08-30T19:41:00Z")
Probably so. All things considered, I would have to be unbelieveably callous and cruel to get a woman drunk and then take her to bed, and then abandon her lest it turn out I got her pregnant. There’s one woman I know who has borne three illegitimate children. The father of the most recent one ducked out and joined the Marines–and I even put an announcement on Yahooo in an effort to track him down. So I consider it damn cowardly to “knock up” a woman. The only saving grace is that by “doing it,” \* \*\* I \* \*\* take a stupid risk–I might get AIDS! As I see it that would be a fitting punishment for me. ---
**Author:** ![kellibelli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e480ec/32.png) [@kellibelli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellibelli)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 1999, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352/20 "1999-08-30T19:55:00Z")
Sweetheart…you are missing a beautiful thing…how sad. If you found a sensitive woman, she wouldnt tease you about your inexperience…she would relish it! Just to think…a man who learns to do ONLY what you like… 🙂 I think it would also be a great asset that you are a really SAFE partner…you underestimate yourself my friend… Maybe the bed is squeaky cause its lonely. * * * “Screw you guys…I’m goin’ home!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squeaking-bed/7352.md?page=2)