# The Squirrel Haiku Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 30, 2001, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354 "2001-01-30T03:36:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/1 "2001-01-30T03:36:24Z")
I hate squirrels. Everything about 'em. Really. **Everthing** about them. They’re the loudest thing in the forest (unless, as i’ve had it pointed out to me, one was to put an elephant into a forest and chased him around). They leave those little piles of what ever that stuff is everywhere and they laugh and laugh and laugh at everything you try to do. Rotten fuckers. Like they could do it any better. They’re basically pigeons with and a big fluffy tail and no wings. I curse that tail, for it is that tail which makes others (softer, blinder folks then my self) think they are not Pure Evil -which they are. As far as i see it, they are biding their time, waiting for our society to crumble. that’s why they stay in the cities unlike most of the other animals. They’re gonna take over when were gone and laugh at us while they wate. Thus, i am beginning a collection of haikus dedicated to my deep loathing for these “cute”, furry bastards. #1 Shut up forest jerk Your food stores impress me not I really hate squirrels #2 Fry in hell filth ball Stop chewing on my windows Before I stomp you #3 The sun rises late You ate my weather-stripping I know where you live #4 Majestic rodent? Pestilent plague carrier. Man I hate squirrels #5 Eat my nuts will you? Know this well, dirty fleabag I’m a damn good shot #6 Laugh, saucy bastard Soon, soon my cat will eat you Then we’ll see who laughs (Sonnets will be accepted too) ---
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/2 "2001-01-30T03:40:48Z")
This isn’t a haiku, but when I was doing archaeology, I found a squirrel penis bone. Really. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/3 "2001-01-30T03:43:56Z")
Squirrel penises are made of _bone_? ---
**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/4 "2001-01-30T03:47:10Z")
Squirrel penis bone found by archaeologist she has a cute butt ---
**Author:** ![Ad\_Noctum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b19c9b/32.png) [@Ad\_Noctum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ad_Noctum)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/5 "2001-01-30T03:48:06Z")
Horrible Squirrel Your Chattering drives me nuts Shoot .22 at you Squirrels suck huge Dick You are the evil creatures I Will Kill You All .22 blast to head Brains go flying everywhere I relax in chair Cows go moo and eat They plot all human demise with grins on their face. Rat Poisons don’t work Squirrels too smart for that shit they sniff their food first ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/6 "2001-01-30T03:57:49Z")
My dear sweet gramma, our Little Annie Oakley, shoots those damned squirrels dead. No, really, I mean it - she lost count at 25 one winter. ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/7 "2001-01-30T03:58:47Z")
Dirty Rat Bastard Fuck you and your penis bone Die die die die die ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/8 "2001-01-30T04:01:06Z")
Walk along power lines, I stand below, catch your bladder in my palm ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/9 "2001-01-30T04:08:32Z")
A laughing squirrel A shot rings out in the dusk A quiet forest ---
**Author:** ![Kyomara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kyomara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyomara)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/10 "2001-01-30T04:08:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ad Noctum \* > \*\* > Cows go moo and eat > They plot all human demise > with grins on their face. > \*\* Yee-haw…gonna try my hand. Tall, majestic oak Electrify this old tree Fried squirrel anus I have greased the pole stay out of my birdfeeder, bushy-tailed hoodlum what do squirrels do? do they have any purpose? no one will miss them giant robot claw sqirrel blood on cold metal clean-up is a cinch ---
**Author:** ![Ad\_Noctum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b19c9b/32.png) [@Ad\_Noctum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ad_Noctum)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/11 "2001-01-30T04:12:20Z")
do not need rifle bow and arrow will suffice cut them right in half can’t see them happy shoot a big squirrel daily it’s a lot of fun always laugh at me big huge giant squirrels do 'till .22 hits them gives upham high 5 for hating squirrels also team up and shoot them ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/12 "2001-01-30T04:21:11Z")
Infest our parklands Nibble and chew your garbage Tonight your tree burns I am not violent I do not torture my pets I just fuckin’ hate squirrels Dumb urban vulture Feast on all that remains good Soon the bombs will drop ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/13 "2001-01-30T04:51:32Z")
I just thought I’d say that my school of higher learning has an albino squirrel that roams the campus. If you think regular squirrels are bad, just imagine a pure white one with red, beady eyes staring straight into your soul. ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/14 "2001-01-30T07:54:23Z")
This thread shall not die For such is my hate of squirrels That i will bump it ---
**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/15 "2001-01-30T07:55:14Z")
Cute fluffy creature Spreading love all around As well as Hanta A bushy tail Dangles in the morning air, From my antenna. Sound of feet landing on my new porch, The head follows. Sound greets me Sound of teeth breaking Heh. Iron nuts. For **bouv** White squirrel, red eyes stare deep into my soul. Please god, make it stop. ---
**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/16 "2001-01-30T07:58:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Corvus \* > **Sound of feet > landing on my new porch, > The head follows.** I meant to change this. It reads better as: Sound of feet hitting my front step. The head follows. ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/17 "2001-01-30T08:04:58Z")
The bump appeared to Be unnecessary I Guess I’ll go to bed I still really hate squirrels though ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/18 "2001-01-30T15:36:24Z")
Squirrels are so cool. They can eat my meaty nuts and not choke on hair. I have pet squirrels. One of them is named Upham. Man, how weird is THAT? Squirrels got more tail Than I was able to get In ALL 99. The squirrel has bone. Well, guess what, little lady: So does yours truly. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/19 "2001-01-30T19:59:21Z")
Small paws, teeth chewing Covered wires high overhead Bzzt! The leaves fall also Flea ridden horseman comes Nuts and berries, scattered, lost Pestilence moves on ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2001, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354/20 "2001-01-30T20:41:10Z")
squirrels not evil? that’s what they want you to think just click on [this link](http://www.scarysquirrel.org/page1.html) cute little rodent harmless happy fuzzy thing? listen to him [sing](http://www.scarysquirrel.org/ksk/) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-squirrel-haiku-thread/52354.md?page=2)