# The Straight Dope Bar Fight **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 2, 2000, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776 "2000-08-02T00:48:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 20
**Author:** ![Myrr21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Myrr21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrr21)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/381 "2000-08-05T16:16:28Z")
Audrey, dear, if you break all the pool cues fighting, how on earth are we going to play afterwards? Here, have a folding chair…try not to leave \* too \* much of a dent in his forehead 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/382 "2000-08-05T16:23:54Z")
::ducks folding chair Audrey swings at him, drops to the floor and moves around in circles a la Curly:: WoooWoooWoooWoooWooo! ::rolls across the floor and grabs Sakura:: You’re coming with me, young lady. Just wait till I tell your mother what you’ve been up to. ::gives Shadow a boot in the keester:: That’s for tickling me. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/383 "2000-08-05T16:25:10Z")
No hurry, Dave. I’m rather enjoying watching Shadowfox beat the crap out of you! By the way, your daughter is positively _delightful!_ Thanks so much for bringing her in! Oh, and Sakura? If you ever get a chance, I could use a few whoop-ass lessons. You are _good!_ ---
**Author:** ![Shadowfox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/384 "2000-08-05T16:28:22Z")
Shadowfox picks herself off the floor, rubbing her behind where Dave kicked her. She walks over to the dart board and grabs some darts… “Come here Dave, I need to practice my throwing technique and your chest is the perfect target” ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/385 "2000-08-05T16:37:29Z")
:: grabs a bar stool and deflects Shadow’s darts:: Um, Persephone, thanks for waiting, but…_A LITTLE HELP HERE!!!_ ::shoves Sakura toward Persephone:: Here, if you think she’s so delightful, watch her for me while I keep from becoming The Amazing Human Pincushion. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/386 "2000-08-05T17:42:28Z")
:::wraps arm protectively around Sakura::: So, dear, has anyone told you yet the truth about men? :::pats barstool::: Sit down, dear. Here, let me get you a Coke. I’ll give you the skinny on life with these weiners if you’ll give me a few tips on how to kick ass the way you do. ---
**Author:** ![Sakura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/898d66/32.png) [@Sakura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sakura)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/387 "2000-08-05T20:31:34Z")
::Joins Persephone on said barstool:: I’ve heard some on the back of the bus, but I’m all ears. 😃 ::Suddenly business-like:: Now, if you wanna whup ass, then you gotta rely mostly on all old movies. Westerns, Mafia movies are good, **AND** the Three Stooges. It makes sense if you think about it. Hard core action isn’t that great, 'cause you’ll probably pull something, but you get good come-back lines. ::Gives a world-weary sigh and sips her Coke:: ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/388 "2000-08-05T22:26:46Z")
_waits until VaHermit’s back is turned…snags a guitar from a passing musician and beats Va over the head with it…returns ruined guitar back to disgruntled musician, then distracts him with illegal drugs while she makes her getaway to hide behind the bar_ ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2000, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/389 "2000-08-05T23:33:40Z")
Okay, here’s the deal, Sakura: Men are weenies. But if you tell them they’re studmuffins and they rule the universe, you’ll get pretty much anything you want from them. _If_ you decide you want anything from them. It’s better to be self-reliant, really. Men are nice for, as Tim Allen put it, lawn care & vehicle maintainance, but you can learn to do those yourself too. Hey Dave! C’mere! :::pokes Dave in the eyes, Three Stooges-style::: How was that, Sakura? ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/390 "2000-08-06T00:49:02Z")
::claps his hand over his eyes:: OWOWOWOW! Why, I oughta… ::does several Three Stooges takes, complete with sound effects:: ::gets hit in the tush by one of Shadow’s darts:: WOAH! That’s pointy. :: pulls out dart, accompanied by the sound of a plucked violin string – _BOINK!_:: That’s gonna leave a mark. I’m a victim of soicumstances. ---
**Author:** ![enilorac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3bc359/32.png) [@enilorac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enilorac)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/391 "2000-08-06T01:17:25Z")
:walks in sees the brawl: :cool hey you guys missed this bottle! its still whole! ---
**Author:** ![Myrr21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Myrr21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrr21)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/392 "2000-08-06T01:33:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by enilorac \* > \*\* hey you guys missed this bottle! its still whole! \*\* Gimme that! ::opens bottle, consumes contents, smashes bottle over Dave:: Alright then… ::scoops up Audrey and caroli…enil…whoever…and heads for stairs:: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/393 "2000-08-06T02:43:15Z")
::wriggles free of Myrr and sneaks up on Dave:: Thought ya got rid of me, huh?? ::tackles Dave, rams him into beanbag chairs:: Myrr, hold him down for a sec for me, willya? Thanks. ::duct-tapes Dave’s hands together:: One hundred and THREE uses!!! (Anyone who’s seen Hollow Man knows what Use #102 is.) Sakura, I’m not sure how to GIVE him amnesia… it’s one of those things they don’t teach undergrads in the psych department… so how about I just force him to watch Spice Girls videos for a week or so? ---
**Author:** ![Myrr21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Myrr21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrr21)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/394 "2000-08-06T02:49:42Z")
Good lord! She just asked you to give him amnesia, not kill the poor man. Now hurry up with that… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/395 "2000-08-06T03:32:26Z")
Almost done, Myrr! Don’t worry, Dave’s gonna be okay… he’ll just be really pissed is all… he’ll probably hunt me down… Oh well! John, I’m doing great, thanks! I’ve just rendered Dave immobile, so I’m pretty proud of myself! So, who have you beat up so far? Sakura, thanks for the towelette! ::wipes face and neck of Dew:: Sorry about your dad. He started it, though. Hope we can be friends. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Myrr21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Myrr21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrr21)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/396 "2000-08-06T03:38:15Z")
Oooh ooh ooh…can we run Dave along the bar through a bunch of drinks? That’d be fun…and classic too. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/397 "2000-08-06T03:44:22Z")
Yeah yeah!!! Help me put him on the bar! ---
**Author:** ![Myrr21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Myrr21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrr21)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/398 "2000-08-06T03:47:43Z")
Yay! ::helps lift Dave and run him through the assorted beverages arrayed along its length:: Wheeee!! This is fun, can we do it some more? ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/399 "2000-08-06T03:50:36Z")
Hey, where’s coldfire? Oh, there he is. :walks over and bitchslaps his lifeless body: runs away like a candyass to get [superhero](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=33520) reinforcements. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/400 "2000-08-06T03:52:14Z")
Okay! You stay on this end of the bar, I’ll go to the other end… we can slide him back and forth! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776.md?page=19) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776.md?page=21)