# The Straight Dope Bar Fight **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 2, 2000, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776 "2000-08-02T00:48:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 28
**Author:** ![MountainBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e68b1a/32.png) [@MountainBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MountainBlue)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/541 "2000-08-08T19:32:09Z")
LET’S PLAY Now that Mojo magic has returned the Bar Gods will smile down upon us. Wax on, Wax off ASShopper… Appears that steeljaw has had one or four too many??? Who started this fight anyway??? Clog boy you’ve been a very bad boy …Should we start the pillaging with him and see where that takes us? Mountain Blue swings her trusty ax and as always her aim is true, the whiskey barrel explodes all over Clog boy drenching him completely. Screw mud wrestling, we like whiskey wrestling… She turns to Mojo and her eyes silently communicate their next move… ---
**Author:** ![MountainBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e68b1a/32.png) [@MountainBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MountainBlue)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/542 "2000-08-08T19:40:33Z")
LET’S PLAY Now that Mojo magic has returned the Bar Gods will smile down upon us. Wax on, Wax off ASShopper… Appears that steeljaw has had one or four too many??? Who started this fight anyway??? Clog boy you’ve been a very bad boy …Should we start the pillaging with him and see where that takes us? Mountain Blue swings her trusty ax and as always her aim is true, the whiskey barrel explodes all over Clog boy drenching him completely. Screw mud wrestling, we like whiskey wrestling… She turns to Mojo and her eyes silently communicate their next move… ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/543 "2000-08-08T20:12:14Z")
Nice move, using a body part as a weapon. I wonder where you got that idea? Hmmmm… Nonetheless it was a very effective weapon for murdering the english language in that feeble attempt at gangsta poetry. I know you’re only doing your best so I won’t judge you too harshly. In fact, I’m willing to extend to you the hand of friendship and reconciliation. Come over here and let’s make nice. Perhaps we could form an alliance against that Cy guy. Let me show you something I keep in my bra… _crowd gasps, remembering all the various things she has pulled out of her bra_ Oh and MountainBlue You know how I hate to be kept waiting. ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/544 "2000-08-08T20:48:19Z")
_would answer MB’s Rebel Yell, but is too busy behind the bar with Cy Coe…he is showing her verrrry interesting things to do with a dead Inuit’s hand, two lollipops, and several empty beer bottles_ ---
**Author:** ![Feelyat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3be4f8/32.png) [@Feelyat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feelyat)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/545 "2000-08-08T21:07:13Z")
Steel!! You’re so romantic! hehehe. I was just trying to make you jealous. ;o) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/546 "2000-08-08T21:16:20Z")
But you left out the part about the feather, the fish and the industrial size can of chocolate pudding ---
**Author:** ![MountainBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e68b1a/32.png) [@MountainBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MountainBlue)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/547 "2000-08-08T21:18:39Z")
Mojo I know how you feel, I also hate to be kept waiting…What exactly have you pulled from your bra? No wait, let me guess… As Mojo extends the hand of friendship and understanding to Steeljaw, her other hand is reaching in her bra, and the _crowd gasps, remembering all the various things she has pulled out of her bra_ she smiles wickedly and pulls a very pissed off water buffalo, to whom she ties Steeljaw, just to teach him a lesson. The water buffalo takes off at a full charge, crashing into the bar and totally blowing the mood for Nocturne and Cy Coe who can’t continue with their interesting research. Mountain Blue whips the water buffalo with her trusty bullwhip and encourages him into a crazed dash through the body-draped bar while she downs another shot of JD. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/548 "2000-08-08T21:24:46Z")
I think the reason everyone has become so lethargic is because they haven’t eaten for days. \*Mojo reaches into her bra and pulls out… AN ENTIRE ROAST PIG WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS !!!\* OK guys and gals fill your bellies cause ass-wupping is hungry business. ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/549 "2000-08-08T21:53:47Z")
_emerges from the bar, chases after the water buffalo, and puts it in a full Nelson_ _minutes later, water buffalo burgers are available for hungry Dopers_ _returns to her amorous poetic Cy Coe_ ---
**Author:** ![Cy\_Coe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4da419/32.png) [@Cy\_Coe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cy_Coe)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/550 "2000-08-08T22:00:44Z")
Water buffalo?, C’mon, Mojo, I expected a higher quality reaction from you. At least a bison! And sorry, Nocturne, but this disturbance hath angered me greatly…besides, I need at least 15,000 more volts of DC current to finish the “experiment”. :::meanders off into a corner, builds a bunker out of bodies, and creates a small thermonuclear weapon shaped like a bottle of JD::: …Excellent… And Steel, have no fear…I obey a no tresspassing rule in other’s relationships. However, as for that alliance thing, well…ok. so I really don’t have anything to say to that. I suppose I could say “It doesn’t matter, I will still destroy you all!” but really, the odds wouldn’t be in my favor. I mean, I’m not THAT powerful. Sure, 4 or 5 people against me would be manageable, but anymore than that I’d have to enlist help from…The English Student Street Punks! Masters of Genres! Cliches! Puns! Feel our wrath! Feel our Pain! Spellcheck THIS! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/551 "2000-08-08T22:58:48Z")
Oh foolish one. A closer look at the past events would reveal that MountainBlue was only GUESSING that I had a water buffalo in my bra when in fact I was only trying to provide a lovely meal of roast pig and all the trimmings. And this is the thanks I get? You are willful and insolent, and for that you must be punished. _Mojo rips the head off the roast pig (and after eating all the tasty parts) smacks CyCoe around like the boy that he is then shoves it up his…nose._ _grabs Nocturne and chastises her thoroughly for being so foolish as to trust a mere Cy boy, and rips her lips and uvula off so that she won’t be able to engage in any more dead Inuit hand games for a long, long time._ _Then she reaches in her bra and pulls out F\*\*KIN GODZILLA and proceed to punish every last person in the bar living or dead except MountainBlue_ See MB honey, that’s how you wupp a little ass. You still have much to learn, ASS-hopper.Come on, I’ll let you buy me a tequila and get yourself a JD. God knows we’ve earned it. _Mojo and MountainBlue grab a seat and proceed to catch up on old times._ ---
**Author:** ![MountainBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e68b1a/32.png) [@MountainBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MountainBlue)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2000, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/552 "2000-08-08T23:05:59Z")
Mojo, I bow down to you, oh wise one. What a kick ass wench you are. We just have to get sloppy drunk and talk in depth, I’m sure I can learn how to really kick ass from you. MB and Mojo proceed to drink many shots and talk about future ass kicking they plan to participate in. What a team! ---
**Author:** ![pLt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eb9ed0/32.png) [@pLt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pLt)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2000, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/553 "2000-08-09T01:16:21Z")
_pLt comes in, looks at the carnage, laughs and orders a drink._ ---
**Author:** ![Cy\_Coe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4da419/32.png) [@Cy\_Coe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cy_Coe)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2000, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/554 "2000-08-09T05:25:46Z")
Well, at this point, I COULD say a joke involving “head” and “mojo”, but that would be a bad, tasteless joke, so I shan’t. I apologize for misjudging you, mojo, but I must say… Godzilla is more freakin’ like it! ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2000, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/555 "2000-08-09T07:32:43Z")
:steely walks in and screams: **OH MY GOD!!!** you killed my inuit tribe, you bastards! they came to my house as part of a foreign exchange program. I was to ensure their safety, and now look at them, body parts being used like Dave-Puck. This is just humiliating. What kind of country do we live in where you can’t even take a tribe of eskimoes into a bar fight without having to worry about returning to a find a tribe of eskimo body parts? All they wanted was a little moose. I leave for five minutes, **five** friggin’ minutes and you guys just **had** to go and dismember them. I wouldn’t even be angry, but now I don’t get my deposit back. No live eskimoes, no deposit. That’s the rule at the exchange center where I got em. Oh well, what’s done is done. Is that roast pig I smell? ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2000, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/556 "2000-08-09T18:22:35Z")
_attaches herself tree-frog like to mojo and bleeds on her…then proceeds to chew on her elbows_ ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2000, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/557 "2000-08-09T19:28:41Z")
_knocks Nocturne out with her tequila-flaming, pig-face eating,Godzilla-licking breath, but when unable to release her death grip, decides to wear her like a Noc-skin coat_ (Hey I never said I was a day at the beach) _Places Nocturnes lips and uvula in a zip loc baggie and deposits them in her bra_ (never know when a thing like that can come in handy) _wades thru the blood, guts, mud and beer back to the least sticky table while blowing kisses to Cy, Steel and pLt_ _winks_ no hard feelings, all right? _grins_ Resumes her habit of drinking and punishing her liver and sighes… Yeah an ass-kicking wench’s work is never done. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2000, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776/558 "2000-08-12T20:42:25Z")
\*Walks by bar door, and two of the combatants stumble out and plow into him! \*Growls, “Dammit, don’t you bums pay attention?” \*Picks the two of them up by their coat collars, strides into the bar, and drops them on the nearest table. \*Growls on way out, “You run into me one more time and I’ll drop you into a sandbox!” \*Stomps out of the bar. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-bar-fight/27776.md?page=27)