# The Straight Dope Lounge (a modern "colossal cave adventure" game) **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [March 12, 2011, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429 "2011-03-12T17:46:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/41 "2011-03-13T23:19:01Z")
> [@Doctor](#): > > Enter Straight Dope You are in a long north-south hallway, bustling with activity. The east side of the hallway is full of doors, each with a small brass sign on the wall to the left of the door. There is a plaque in the middle of the west wall. At the far north end is a door with a lit sign above it saying “EXIT.” \> > [@Doctor](#): > > Enter MPSIMS You are in a large mundane room. I would describe it, but that would be pointless. \> > [@Prox](#): > > \>Pontificate As you begin speaking, a crowd starts to gather. You hold them rapt with your wittiness and the depth of your knowledge. Fourteen people inform you that they find your views fascinating and they wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Six correct your spelling. Eight disagree vehemently. Three complain that you didn’t bring pictures of your cat. Two complain that you let your cats outdoors. Four complain that you’re wearing your shoes in the MPSIMS room. One professes undying love. \> > [@pedescribe](#): > > \>Tattoo"Join Date" in left hand and “location” in right hand. [del]Tattoo a funny picture on your chest[/del] You have no tattoo equipment, but find a Sharpie ™ in your pocket. You write on your hands. \> > [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > \>ask the receptionist out on a date There is no receptionist in MPSIMS. \> > [@gryx00](#): > > \>Chew on thesaurus in inventory You find the thesaurus tasteless, bland, monotonous, weak, unexciting, insipid, and dull as dishwater. \> ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/42 "2011-03-13T23:45:36Z")
\> Inspect mundane and/or pointless objects. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/43 "2011-03-14T00:13:53Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > \> Enter “The Game Room” You move through the southernmost door on the east wall of the hallway. You are in a gigantic room. The north wall is a mosaic of flat-panel wide-screen TV sets, showing every sport from curling to NASCAR. People are standing three deep in front of the screens, many holding clipboards. They are analyzing–and arguing about–every aspect of the games. A very long counter runs the full length of the south wall. There are power outlets behind the counter every 6 inches, and the counter is loaded with every imaginable model of computer and videogame console. The wall above the counter is full of shelves holding monitors, TV sets, and other displays. People are playing and analyzing–and arguing about–WoW, Final Fantasy, Zork Grand Inquisitor, GTA, Pong, MineSweeper, D&D Online, Bejeweled, and almost any other fantasy game you’ve ever heard of. On the west wall are a series of daises, each with a person standing on it. They have labels like Feud and Mafia. The center of the room is full of tables at which people are seated playing chess, Mahjong, strategy board games, CCGs, TCGs, poker, and more. \> > [@Malacandra](#): > > Open thread “The Straight Dope Lounge” I don’t know how to open thread “The Straight Dope Lounge” \> > [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Malacandra, if you make the whole thing crash, I’m going to be so put out with you. I don’t know how to be so put out with you. \> > [@Jragon](#): > > \> Inspect mundane and/or pointless objects. All of the mundane and/or pointless objects in this room have been moved to MPSIMS by moderators. \> ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/44 "2011-03-14T00:26:24Z")
\> Start thread about the glorious PC Gaming Master Race and their clear superiority above the Dirty Console Playing Lowlives ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/45 "2011-03-14T00:49:18Z")
\>talk to the person on the dais labeled Mafia ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/46 "2011-03-14T02:08:08Z")
\>masturbate like a motherfuck. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/47 "2011-03-14T03:03:56Z")
\> > [@Jragon](#): > > Start thread about the glorious PC Gaming Master Race and their clear superiority above the Dirty Console Playing Lowlives You leap onto a table and declare that the PC Gaming Master race is clearly and obviously superior to – \> > [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > talk to the person on the dais labeled Mafia – no, wait. You jump from the table and run across the room to the west wall. You approach the dais labeled Mafia and say, "Excuse me, but – \> > [@Autolycus](#): > > \>masturbate like a motherfuck. – you drop your pants, settle into a comfortable position, and grab your – A pleasantly-dressed woman with jackboots (smelling faintly of hot dogs) ((the woman, not the jackboots)) steps in front of you. Looking carefully into your eyes, and not one centimeter lower, she suggests that you might not be in the correct room for that particular behavior. She makes a note on a clipboard and walks away. \> ---
**Author:** ![Prox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/da6949/32.png) [@Prox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prox)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/48 "2011-03-14T03:50:34Z")
\>search for mafia ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/49 "2011-03-14T04:29:44Z")
\>13 k of g in an f p d ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/50 "2011-03-14T05:07:55Z")
> [@Prox](#): > > \>search for mafia With your pants now pulled up and fastened firmly, you look around carefully. You see “MAFIA” on the dais in front of you. That was easy. > [@Autolycus](#): > > \>13 k of g in an f p d I’m sorry, it does not appear that your f p d can hold any more than 9 k of g. Perhaps you need a larger f p d? As you ponder this question, a burly man approaches you. He has unruly red hair and an enormous beard to match. A bandana is wrapped around his head, and a parrot is riding on his shoulder. He has a heavy coat over a blousy white cotton shirt with ruffles. His pants are torn, he is barefoot, and he smells bad. He leans in close to you and says, “would ye like to play a game?” \> ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/51 "2011-03-14T07:37:11Z")
\>yes? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2011, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/52 "2011-03-15T00:51:39Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > \>yes? The burly man rubs his fingers together with joy and turns his head to spit on the floor. The jackbooted woman gives him a frown and he pulls a bottle from his pocket and spits in that instead. “Aye, then, we’re goin’ to play a word game, we are,” he says. “Ye need to give me three adjectives that would describe a kraken. Each word must be at least three syllables, and they must start with consecutive letters of the alphabet. One must be complimentary, one must be a deadly insult, and the third…”. He stops and smiles. “The third word must have more letters than the other two, and must describe a kraken, but _not_ describe me!” \> ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2011, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/53 "2011-03-15T02:35:24Z")
From a prior thread that I had hoped would go exactly this way. \>n _GQ Forum._ \>say “stupid idiots”. _You are obviously in the dark as to the jerkiness of your behavior. You are likely to be banned by an admin or to fall into the Pit._ \>apologize _Apology accepted._ ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/54 "2011-03-16T19:26:11Z")
\> Subscribe to instant notifications about the kraken game thread. ---
**Author:** ![ShadowFacts](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shadowfacts/32/2934_2.png) [@ShadowFacts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadowFacts)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/55 "2011-03-16T20:18:10Z")
\> Tell man “The kraken is Legendary, Malodorous, and Nonexistent.” ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/56 "2011-03-16T23:06:45Z")
\> Get ye flask ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/57 "2011-03-17T15:34:22Z")
\> save ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2011, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/58 "2011-03-17T18:16:41Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > \> Subscribe to instant notifications about the kraken game thread. The parrot flutters over to your shoulder. > [@ShadowFacts](#): > > \> Tell man “The kraken is Legendary, Malodorous, and Nonexistent.” The parrot squawks, “NEW KRAKEN STUFF” in your ear! The man smiles. “We have a winner, aye we do!” He reaches to his belt and begins to draw out a scimitar with a – > [@John\_DiFool](#): > > \> Get ye flask – You reach out and snatch the flask from other side of the man’s belt. His expression changes from a smile to a puzzled – > [@fluiddruid](#): > > \> save – Saved – – look, and he says, “I was goin’ to give ye the scimitar as your prize, but that won’t happen until ye gives back me flask.” \> ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2011, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/59 "2011-03-17T18:24:59Z")
\> give rum to parrot. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2011, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429/60 "2011-03-17T18:49:24Z")
\> frisk flask \> summon Opal [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-lounge-a-modern-colossal-cave-adventure-game/574429.md?page=4)