# The Straight Dope Mercenaries **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 21, 2001, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914 "2001-09-21T00:37:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/41 "2001-09-21T04:19:23Z")
And since I’m the financial supporter of this mission, I’ll provide everyone with: –Military Hummers for everyone, complete with the civilian package so we will still have all our necessary comforts of life. Like 6 disc CDchangers with an Infinity Sound System, heated leather seats for those cold nights. And for the desert terrain, neat little dune buggies, both vehicles will be packing large calibur machine guns, GPS so us westerners won’t get lost in the desert. –As for standard issue weapons, I personally would like AK-47 cammondo style (the one’s without the tacky looking wood), although personal requests for specific weapons will be granted. –Already noted we have a driver for the tank (and yes **TheOtherOne** you can have a flamethrower too), maybe we should get a couple more Abriam models. Anyone else want to drive a tank with really big guns?? ``` Am I forgetting anything? ``` –Wait we forgot a position, we need a team of the sexiest doctors and nurses, to tend to use just in case we get hurt. Do we have anyone with medical experience??😃 \*“Ouch”, I think I need a nurse I just hit my funny bone please “nurse come quick kiss it and make it feel all better”[i/] [Edited by TVeblen on 09-21-2001 at 12:50 AM] ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/42 "2001-09-21T04:21:49Z")
Well, I’m going to be a long-shooter. Anything under a mile out is fair game. Anything inside 1,000 yards is a certain kill. With a pistol, inside 100 yards, same story. I’ll be the spirited, yet salty guy that doesn’t know the locals, but quickly brings tham around to his side and enlists their help and uses them as guides. 'Course, this means I also end up with the beautiful local woman and we have a torrid affair. ---
**Author:** ![stuyguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/43 "2001-09-21T04:32:09Z")
**Little Nemo** you forgot the Master of Disguise. You need a Master of Disguise. As for me, I want to be the Wise-cracker. Or maybe the Guy From Brooklyn – which I am. Every operation needs a Guy From Brooklyn. Or, if the hiring budget gets tight I can be the Wise-cracking Guy From Brooklyn. I’ll be a double threat. ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/44 "2001-09-21T04:32:24Z")
I’d be the tough chick who treats Speaker for the Dead like her kid brother. ---
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/45 "2001-09-21T04:32:25Z")
::that vB code thing is kinda embarissing when you mess up:: ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/46 "2001-09-21T04:44:39Z")
**tisiphone** , we may have to split the communications officer duties as I work for a satellite phone company and can supply us with high speed internet connections via satellite (handy when you’re in the middle of a Third World nation who’s phone system is circa 1865), so that we can post our exploits to the SDMB as they happen! (I can even set the system up so that we can beam back footage of us in action in real time!) ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/47 "2001-09-21T04:45:20Z")
I’ll be the hot nurse in the mini skirt who also knows how to kickbox. 😃 **Nicklz** , did you say you had something that needed closer examination? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/48 "2001-09-21T04:51:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by thinksnow \* > \*\*Well, I’m going to be a long-shooter. Anything under a mile out is fair game. Anything inside 1,000 yards is a certain kill. > > With a pistol, inside 100 yards, same story. > > I’ll be the spirited, yet salty guy that doesn’t know the locals, but quickly brings tham around to his side and enlists their help and uses them as guides. 'Course, this means I also end up with the beautiful local woman and we have a torrid affair. \*\* Does this mean we get to visit you in your hospital room and make meaningful, sympathetic eye contact after your penis falls off from the hideous disease you contract from making love to her. ---
**Author:** ![DMC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dmc/32/18049_2.png) [@DMC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMC)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/49 "2001-09-21T04:58:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Verrain \* > \*\*I can be the creepy guy in the lab coat you call forward when you need prisoners injected with something. I even have my own lab coat! \*\* Dr. Szell: Is it safe? ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/50 "2001-09-21T05:03:27Z")
I like to bash things together and see what happens. I also like to throw people to see what they do when they land. I have lit myself (not all of me) on fire in the past. Please consider these facts when assigning me a role. Thank you. **iampunha** , head-basher _extraordinaire_ ---
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/51 "2001-09-21T05:04:02Z")
**hardygrrl** it hurts really bad…maybe you should put me up on that cot there and wheel me away to \*intensive care 😉 Don’t worry troops carry on, I’m sure I will be in good hands. ---
**Author:** ![Karellen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@Karellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karellen)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/52 "2001-09-21T05:19:17Z")
I’d like to be the no-name, locally ethnic, shorter-than-the-marquee-heroes shopkeeper who runs the cavernous but warmly-lit junk-shop with the cozy tea toom in the back behind the tattered velvet curtains that you can only get to by walking past the cages of screeching monkeys and colorful macaws, where I let you in only after loudly insisting in broken English that _I know nothing nothing I am only shopkeeper you want nice dagger I have rubies you look very red very nice,_ but after the other locals walk out I whisper very low \*come back here I tell you something \*and in the little tea room, after shooting a sorrowful, resilient gaze at the incense-smoldering shrine with the faded sepia photo of my murdered wife, murdered by a Taleban mob for accidentally letting the wind blow up the sleeve of her burkha, thus exposing her arm and violating the tenets of Taliban Islam–_oh the horror! Allah why do you not show mercy_–I inform you that bin Laden has a secret operations base in the Valley of Ashkrahalamalagag, which you can only find with this parchment map which I have risked death for so long just by having in my possession, in a hand-hammered copper-plated jewel box under the largest of the monkey cages, my most prized possession except for the precious amulet of Salaam-Bagreezabethilet, which I give you for protection. Later, my corpse is seen hanging from a lampost. Whoever has my amulet (volunteers?) clutches it tightly, and salutes me. It’s the Good Muslim walk-on role. Required by SAG rules. ---
**Author:** ![galen\_ubal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galen_ubal/32/4440_2.png) [@galen\_ubal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/galen_ubal)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/53 "2001-09-21T05:19:49Z")
_Sigh_ I think I’m best for the “redshirt” part. I’m a jack of all trades sort - able to do a lot of different things, but none of them outstandingly well. Maybe I can die heroically, though… ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/54 "2001-09-21T05:20:47Z")
First thing…_a sponge bath_, then a very thorough exam… ---
**Author:** ![Kipper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Kipper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kipper)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/55 "2001-09-21T05:21:30Z")
Hmmm… Well sniper no. 3 signing in, perhaps we need to form our own sub unit. If it’s standing stock still at 50m and some one has rememberd to put out all the wind flags you can choose which eye you want me to hit. ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/56 "2001-09-21T05:34:35Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Sue Duhnym \* \*\* > [@](#): > > Of course. I just torture, I ask no questions. > > You can play “good cop” to my “bad cop” except for those rare instances where you, when presented with an unusually quiet prisoner, coolly floor them with one well placed and unexpected punch. > > Leather is a must, but you should dress like a lady…a dragon lady. \*\* :evil smile: No prob. Let me see, a sleeveless leather jumpsuit oughtta do it nicely, with hmmmm… the garnet choker and earrings, I think. Oh, and mustn’t forget the boots - the ones with the four-inch spike heels. But punches? Isn’t that…terribly declasse? Can’t I use something small, sharp and shiny? Like needles, all coated with different poisons. We can leave the big, sharp, and shiny for **Mnementh**. Works for me, **Tuckerfan**. I’ll be your backup, in case we have to go through the Third World equipment. After all, that’s what we’re using here. [sub]yeah, I have remnants of a cordboard somewhere, what’s it to ya![/sub] :sits, polishing sharp nails a deep garnet: ---
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/57 "2001-09-21T05:39:38Z")
-hardygrrl- your so thoughtful, you know I knew I had some reason for transporting that jacuzzi tub all the way over here. aww…this water feels great, there’s plenty of room in here, and it will make giving me that sponge bath so much easier. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/58 "2001-09-21T05:57:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hardygrrl \* > First thing…_a sponge bath_, then a very thorough exam… Oral? ::RUNNING THE HELL AWAY:: ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/59 "2001-09-21T06:02:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TruePisces \* > **Verrain** , if you’re hirin’, I’ll put my resume in. 😃 > > (And **lurker** says he can do the “I come, master” hunchback really well, if you’re lookin’ for that sort of thing! 😉 \*\* **True Pices** …you are hereby known as the “Hot Mute.” **Lurker** is yours to abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/60 "2001-09-21T06:14:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smeghead \* > HA! I have **SIX** lab coats! You can be _my_ creepy assistant, Verrain. You can be the “good” scientist. You’ve had papers published and corporate sponsership…but you refuse to bow to “the man”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=4)