# The Straight Dope Mercenaries **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 21, 2001, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914 "2001-09-21T00:37:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/61 "2001-09-21T06:20:13Z")
Just remember…we have ways of making you bow. ---
**Author:** ![jack\_ss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c77e96/32.png) [@jack\_ss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_ss)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/62 "2001-09-21T06:39:50Z")
Since I’m doing contract work now, I wanna be the guy who comes in when the whole thing’s fallen apart, fixes it and then leaves the story for good; I just haven’t decided if I’m Mel Gibson in _The Road Warrior_, Harvey Keitel in _Pulp Fiction_, or Robert DeNiro in _Brazil_. Let’s see, the Road Warrior wore black leather, but that would make me the guy who runs a decoy in the biggest vehicle around but doesn’t know it’s full of sand… Winston Wolfe appreciates good coffee and got to wear a tuxedo, but that would show a lot of dirt in the Afghan desert… I do have a technical background and some cool glasses and I did heating and air-conditioning ten years back, so I guess that would make me the guy who rappels in with a tool belt around his waist and mini mag light clenched between his teeth and fixes whatever’s broken before the bad guys show up. Yeah, put me on the tech team. Since I have a shaved head and some cool scars, I could also be the mercenary who doesn’t believe in anything and is always smirking his disgust at the new guys, except that I would have to die saving the new guy. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/63 "2001-09-21T06:47:11Z")
the cheezy movie director/wrter/producer that makes you all stereotypes gives you redicilous lines cheap special effects and good looking not talent actors making it look like a nady sidaris movie and run it on cable 40 times a week! and i all accomplish this on a buck fifty ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/64 "2001-09-21T06:49:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus \* > What kind of sunglasses? I find Oakleys and Gargoyles to be far too cliche. And I would like to wear a chain someplace, as long as it does not draw my masculinity into question. REVOs. And you ain’t wearing chains unless I put them on you. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/65 "2001-09-21T06:54:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Michael Ellis \* > I’d be the nerdy recruit who ends up with the cute native girl. 😃 > > Either that or Hudson from _Aliens_. Sorry, you’re the sacrificial extra. Your part was boring so you’re getting killed off. Be creative and you just might be resurrected. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/66 "2001-09-21T07:46:24Z")
I’ll be the half-Filipino guy who everyone thinks is Native American. My hair is in a braid, and I wear Ray-Bans, a US flag bandana, a buckskin jacket with fringes, and cowboy boots with embossed eagles on them. When people frantically ask me for my opinion, I say, “You must learn to master your fear, or fear will be your master. Clearly our target walked off that way, had a rock in his left shoe, a blister on his right asscheek, a package of Circus Peanuts in his pocket, and was humming the tune of ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It’.” My weapon of choice is a baseball bat handed down to me from my great-great-great grandfather, and is specially outfitted with a hidden .50 cal rifle and ninja stars. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/67 "2001-09-21T11:58:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Little Nemo \* > \*\*Okay we still have openings for the following: > > The tough chick. She’s the good looking female soldier who’s more macho than any of the men in the outfit. An expert in both hand to hand combat and all types of firearms. At least one man has to make a pass at her early in the mission and get totally squelched. Wears a black tank top with no bra. > \*\* Now _here’s_ a role I can fill. Think Ripley in bad-ass mode. That’ll be me. **Mnementh** and I have some sort of History that’s never really explained, but in times of trouble we always take a moment to stare deeply into each other eyes despite being surrounded by danger on all sides. Miraculously, we never get hit while doing this. ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/68 "2001-09-21T12:13:23Z")
While y’all are torturing Bin Laden , i want to be the one to force-feed him pork chops, ham, and barbecued pork spareribs. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/69 "2001-09-21T12:16:24Z")
How about logistical support? Or maybe insertion/extraction? You’ll need a helicopter. I’ll be The Pilot who everyone thinks is comPLETEly mad, but it’s all just a wacky act. Or is it? ANyway, I could fly you into the insertion point. Then fly around the camp, and while everyone’s shooting at me (but missing, because I’m so good 😉 ) the ground team goes in and pulls the trigger. ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/70 "2001-09-21T12:28:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sue Duhnym \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Michael Ellis \* > > I’d be the nerdy recruit who ends up with the cute native girl. 😃 > > > > Either that or Hudson from _Aliens_. > > Sorry, you’re the sacrificial extra. Your part was boring so you’re getting killed off. > > Be creative and you just might be resurrected. \*\* After all, the Creepy Scientist Guy has this zombie solider idea he wants to explore. **Hot Mute** , bring me the bubbling beaker! ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/71 "2001-09-21T13:41:11Z")
Can I volunteer to be the mysterious quiet guy who calmly walks through the melee not even bothering to duck while taking out the badguys with a 12-ga shotgun that mysteriously never runs out of bullets? Think of a bearded, European Chow Yun-Fat in plaid. ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/72 "2001-09-21T15:24:35Z")
::Throws sponge at **iampunha** with deadly force and accuracy, hitting him in the back of the head. Goes back to attending to **Nicklz** :: ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/73 "2001-09-21T15:37:41Z")
I’ll be the slightly-off ex-soldier that lives in the desert. You know, the one with the indispensable talents and skills that has the Allied forces forming a special unit just to find! I’ll be resistant at first as I want “No part of _your war_”, but I come in just in the nick of time to help save the day and die as I do! (Don’t much like he dying part… but what’ya gonna do?) ---
**Author:** ![Kwyjibo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/59ef9b/32.png) [@Kwyjibo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kwyjibo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/74 "2001-09-21T15:41:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Maximum Override \* > \*\*(Don’t much like he dying part… but what’ya gonna do?) \*\* [sub] Err…‘_the_’ dying part…Uggg…the desert heat is getting to me…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/75 "2001-09-21T16:02:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Francesca \* > \*\*Now _here’s_ a role I can fill. Think Ripley in bad-ass mode. That’ll be me. **Mnementh** and I have some sort of History that’s never really explained, but in times of trouble we always take a moment to stare deeply into each other eyes despite being surrounded by danger on all sides. Miraculously, we never get hit while doing this. \*\* \*_And after said staring, we stand back to back and kill absolutely anything that dares get within range, calmly, efficiently and with lots of giblets._ _This is great, (he thought to himself), I’ve got history with two hot chicks and I get to kill stuff._ _Incidentally, when I’m in commando mode like this, I’m mute._ ---
**Author:** ![AbbySthrnAccent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@AbbySthrnAccent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AbbySthrnAccent)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/76 "2001-09-21T16:17:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sue Duhnym \* > You’ll be our smuggler…now one will ever suspect you. You’re also a black belt though you’ve never hurt a soul. Wow! That’s perfect. Yanno, the guy who taught those self-defensive classes was real cute, but I had no idea I’d taken so many classes I earned a black belt! ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/77 "2001-09-21T16:17:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Little Nemo \* > The mystical ethnic guy (black or Cherokee or some other undefined nationality). He’s a master of tracking and wilderness survival. He doesn’t talk much and when he does it’s usually confusing aphorisms. He fights with a bow and arrow, a blowgun, or some other archaic weapon. Well, I don’t fit the ethnicity, but I can handle mysticism and I can track a falcon on a cloudy day. I can also be the morally conflicted member of the unit–my Wiccan beliefs forbid harming others, and I will struggle aloud with this dilemma in confusing soliloquies full of portentous archaic English. Of course, when the time comes, it will be revealed as a moot point because I happen to be a machete-wielding berserker. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/78 "2001-09-21T17:09:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > I like to bash things together and see what happens. > I also like to throw people to see what they do when they land. > I have lit myself (not all of me) on fire in the past. You will be **Mnementh** ’s sidekick. You aren’t very bright but you are the only person Mnementh will really talk to. You translate his mumblings…sometimes not quite corectly. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/79 "2001-09-21T17:17:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Little Nemo \* > I’ll be the old vet who whips all the new recruits into shape. Very good, we needed someone like you. You end up dying though. You motivate everyone with you final, poignant words. After you close your eyes for the last time, we will see one single tear roll down **Mnementh** ’s cheek before he mumbles something and storms off into the twilight. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/80 "2001-09-21T17:40:20Z")
**Jester** You’re awesome! Your sub-plot is that you and **Sterra the Cyborg** frequently disappear together. Everyone thinks you are having hot robo-love. **Nicklz** You get your money, cool weapons, tricked out car and women but you have a well-known impotence problem. And you limp. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=5)