# The Straight Dope Mercenaries **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 21, 2001, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914 "2001-09-21T00:37:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/101 "2001-09-22T09:14:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\*Oh, I volunteer! > > Bad tempered female with big sword. > > With a penchant for leather. \*\* **Whimper**. When you’re on your way to your tent each night? Stop by my place, m’kay? I really go for a gal who appreciates a nice leather. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/102 "2001-09-22T10:05:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sue Duhnym \* > \*\ ***Jester** You’re awesome! Your sub-plot is that you and **Sterra the Cyborg** frequently disappear together. Everyone thinks you are having hot robo-love. > > puts a whole new meaning to getting your oil changed > > **Nicklz** You get your money, cool weapons, tricked out car and women but you have a well-known impotence problem. > > And you limp. \*\* Well yes, normally my charcter keeps spare Viagra with him, just as a sixteen year old virgin faithfully keeps the 6 month old box of condoms in his car. Although, being in the middle of the non-industrialized world my supply has run out. Not being able to deal with this, I tank up my vehicle and go in search of a flower that cures impotence problems, rumored by natives to grow on the east facing side of cliffs in the highest of the mountain regions As I pull out of camp, knowing the dangers of being captured and inhumanely tortured by rebels, in my own pursuit of this natural wonder drug, I slowly ease my souped up sports car up to speed. Driving off into the sunset, clouds of dust being kicked up from underneith the vehicle, and “on the darkest highway…cool wind in my hair…smell of colitas rising up through the air…” the eagles play on the stereo. My vehicle disappears off into the horizon, only the cloud of dust still remains. No one knows that I left or where I was headed only a note left on my bunk that simply states: RECON ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/103 "2001-09-22T10:34:26Z")
**Suddenly, there is a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and Astroboy appears, resplendant in his purple silk tights (rolled up socks inserted, of course) and American Flag cape…** Astroboy to the rescue! What? We’re NOT rescuing anyone?😕 **Disgusted, Astroboy prepares for flight… but suddenly stops…** What? $5 million? Well, I’m supposed to be rescuing people… Oh, what the hell! Sign me up!!! ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/104 "2001-09-22T14:27:33Z")
::Finds the note **Nicklz** left behind. Smiles knowingly:: ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/105 "2001-09-22T15:38:48Z")
> [@](#): > > Oh, I volunteer! > > Bad tempered female with big sword. > > With a penchant for leather. And she’ll be singing… _I wanna be an Arden Ranger! I wanna live a life of danger!_ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/106 "2001-09-22T15:43:20Z")
Damn it, **Johnny**! Now my cat thinks I’m insane because I can’t stop giggling! Well, I don’t know, **Astroboy** … Have you been a \* bad boy?\* ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/107 "2001-09-22T16:11:46Z")
> [@](#): > > Damn it, **Johnny**! Now my cat thinks I’m insane because I can’t stop giggling! Okay, here’s the rest: _Two old ladies lying in bed One rolled over to the other and said, “I wanna be an Arden Ranger I wanna live a life of danger Blood…guts…danger That’s the life of an Arden Ranger!”_ Or how about… \*Arden Ranger raving mad She’s got a tab I wish I had Black and gold and half moon shape Arden Ranger, she’s gone ape Jumpin’ through windows, kicking down the walls Arden Ranger’s havin’ a ball So if there’s a trouble in the world today Call on the girl in the Black Beret!\* 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/108 "2001-09-22T16:14:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny L.A. \* > \*\* > Jumpin’ through windows, kicking down the walls > Arden Ranger’s havin’ a ball > So if there’s a trouble in the world today > Call on the girl in the Black Beret! > \*\* OK. That’s going in my sig file for future use ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/109 "2001-09-22T16:20:49Z")
I need someone to torture (besides my husband)…can’t someone go out and capture somebody? We need some intelligence! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/110 "2001-09-22T16:32:38Z")
_Flyin’ low in Afganistan Terrorists hidin’ in the sand Pickle my bomb and watch it land Napalm sticks to kids_ Okay, I just made that up. The actual [_The Napalm Song_]]([http://asa.npoint.net/asaballd.htm](http://asa.npoint.net/asaballd.htm)) is pretty brutal, BTW. ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/111 "2001-09-22T19:48:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sue Duhnym \* > \*\*I need someone to torture (besides my husband)…can’t someone go out and capture somebody? > > We need some intelligence! \*\* Yeah! What **Sue** said! That last line applies on so many levels…😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/112 "2001-09-22T20:30:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nicklz \* > –Military Hummers for everyone :eek: I sure am glad **I** don’t have to provide those. Incidentally, where does the “military” part come in? Do you have to salute before and after? ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/113 "2001-09-22T20:30:40Z")
::After handing out Iridium phones to anyone who might need them to call home to their mommy, **Tuckerfan** , breaks out the Nera World Communicator, points its antenna at the sat and begins firing up his other equipment, including a small box which appears to have US military markings on it, that he doesn’t let anyone see too closely. Surveying the other Dopers going through their “warm up” exercises, **Tuckerfan** realizes that it’d be more accurate and profitable if he changed the webcast’s url from [http://www.Raid-on-Bin-Laden.com](http://www.Raid-on-Bin-Laden.com) to [http://www.Doper-Desert-Orgy.com](http://www.Doper-Desert-Orgy.com), so he stops zooming in on all the equipment piled up and focuses his camera instead on **Erika** ’s rear as she bends over to “check out some gear.”:: ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/114 "2001-09-22T20:37:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Jester You’re awesome! Your sub-plot is that you and Sterra the Cyborg frequently disappear together. Everyone thinks you are having hot robo-love. \*\* What do you mean _thinks_\*?😉 -Jester, who would never miss an opportunity to get some love from a gorgeous anime-babe. Rowr. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/115 "2001-09-22T20:51:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cartooniverse \* > \*\* > **Whimper**. When you’re on your way to your tent each night? Stop by my place, m’kay? I really go for a gal who appreciates a nice leather. 😉 \*\* Good, good. You will probably appreciate my new boots. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/116 "2001-09-22T20:51:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bodypoet \* > I’ll be the plain-Jane one who takes care of supplies so everyone has clean jammies. (Admit it, even you band-of-thugs types sleep better in nice clean jammies.) Okay. You are “The Spiritual Leader” Besides knowing all about weird “herbs” you also frequently say things that resemble fortunes from cookies. **The Other One** You got your flame thrower and tank…but no 70’s music. You listen to Trance only and frequently get “special herbs” from **bodypoet**. You like textured surfaces and hugging people. **Erika** You get everything you want. Remember…you’re sleeping with **Saint Zero**. Even though he’s the macho gun guy, he’s a submissive in bed. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/117 "2001-09-22T20:55:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > Good, good. You will probably appreciate my new boots. \*\* You want good boots, check [these](http://www.newport-news.com/shop/product.asp?gpcatid=801&superstyleID=31319) out. Kickass or what? ---
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/118 "2001-09-22T21:07:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sue Duhnym \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Nicklz \* > > –Military Hummers for everyone > > :eek: > > I sure am glad **I** don’t have to provide those. > > Incidentally, where does the “military” part come in? Do you have to salute before and after? \*\* Just stating that hummers are those big things the military uses. But if you go to a dealership they have them equipped for civilans. [http://www.affluentauto.com/](http://www.affluentauto.com/) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2001, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/119 "2001-09-22T21:50:55Z")
Civilians use Hummers. Military use Humvees. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![UncleBill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d26b3c/32.png) [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/120 "2001-09-23T01:01:43Z")
Here, here, **Johnny** , High Mobility Muli-purpose Wheeled Vehicle, HMMWV. Gotta love 'em. \*C-130 rollin down the strip Arden Ranger gonna take a little trip. Stand up, buckle up, shuffle to the door Jump right out and count to four. If her chute don’t open wide, She’s got a re-serve buy her side. If that chute don’t open round, She’ll be the first one on the ground. Rifle, KaBar in her hand, She’s gonna burn that foreign land. If she should die before she’s done Box her up and send her home. Lay her rifle across her chest, Tell Uncle Cecil she done her best Don’t lay her down into the ground, Cause she wants to hear that Mercenary sound. Sound off…\* [sub]OK, I made some of that up, so shoot me, or at least lock me in a room with Sue wearing those boots ::_shudder_::[/sub] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=7)