# The Straight Dope Mercenaries **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 21, 2001, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914 "2001-09-21T00:37:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![ninja\_rydr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8491ac/32.png) [@ninja\_rydr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ninja_rydr)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/141 "2001-09-27T16:00:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Little Nemo \* > \*\*Okay we still have openings for the following: > The psychotic biker guy who was a vet in the war (he served in the commander’s unit) but now spends most of his time drinking, fighting in bars, and getting locked up in county jail. He’s loud and tells politically incorrect jokes. > > \*\* Since we already have two snipers I can do this. 1. Biker - CHECK! 2. Vet - CHECK! 3. Drinker - CHECK! 4. Fighting - CHECK! 5. County Lock Down - CHECK! (worked there, NOT an inmate) 6. UN-PC jokes - CHECK! e.g. What do 10,000 battered women have in common? None of them knew when to SHUT the F\_CK UP! Plus I can also spit tobacco juice everywhere and or smoke cigars while cleaning the AK-47s and AR-15s for people. I’m just wondering what we’ll call ourselves, any ideas? ---
**Author:** ![FallenAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@FallenAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FallenAngel)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/142 "2001-09-27T17:22:31Z")
**Arden** Nice blade. Want to see mine? We could always spar to get a little extra training in. **king of spain** I won’t give you a rousing speech, but I will slap you until you pull yourself out of the funk. Later, back at camp, I’ll tell you about my first combat experience and subsequent freakout so you can regain a little self-esteem and know that it’s not just you. **Zanshin** if the corps won’t cover your tab, I’ll hire you personally out of my share if you can actually pull off that disguise. **ninja rydr** A name? Good question. How about The Cecilian Brigade. “Never go in against a Cecilian when Death is on the line.” Any of those prisoners still viable? I’m grumpy and have this 46 piece X-acto set that could use a work. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/143 "2001-09-27T17:31:31Z")
> [@](#): > > “Never go in against a Cecilian when Death is on the line.” Bwahahahaaha! Woo-hoo! 10 **Bunny** points for **FallenAngel** for the best use of a _Princess Bride_ quote intermingled with a pun! ---
**Author:** ![Verrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/46a35a/32.png) [@Verrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Verrain)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2001, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/144 "2001-09-27T23:06:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BunnyGirl \* > \*\*I want to be the Jean Gray-type character (especially if I can look like Famke Janssen!) > > I’ll dress in conservative, but exquisitely fitted, dress suits with fabulous [pumps](http://www.jimmychoo.com/womens/eccentric/eccentric.htm) (top right corner). My hair will be pulled back in a french-twist and I’m never seen with a hair out of place, rumpled, or freaking out. I am the epitomy of self-control. Compassionate, but mysterious and quiet. > > I work mostly out of our HQ, assisting our Evil Scientists and Mute Assistants, and making sure that the administration runs smoothly. I know everyone’s secrets, but am a fortress of discretion. Everyone comes to me with their problems and I am their listening ear. However, my secret powers of telepathy also come in handy in the field and I’m frequently called upon to assist at interogations. My soft and low voice, accompanied by my lovely perfume and swaying fanny wrapped in its tight wool-flannel skirt, put the beaten and bloody prisoners at ease as I sift through their psyche for clues otherwise missed. > > Is that okay? Can I play? \*\* As an Evil Scientist I heartily endorse your joining us **Bunny**! ---
**Author:** ![tisiphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tisiphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tisiphone)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2001, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/145 "2001-09-28T00:20:20Z")
:lovingly laying out her collection: Well, let’t get started then. Let me see…I want THAT one first, he looks like he might know something. Let’s put him right up [here](http://www.torture-museum.com/judas.htm) to start with. Just leave him for a bit, let him settle in. Nope, that one looks like he’s about ten years old. Ferget it. Him we should send home to his mother. Oooh, this guy looks a little worried. Let’s put him in the [thumbscrews](http://www.cecut.org.mx/GALERIA/tortura/screws.htm) and let him watch his buddy on the cradle. And I have always wanted to try something I heard called the Chinese Jacket. This one! :seizes prisoner, and fastens into chickenwire jacket: How this works is you tighten the wire until the skin puffs up through the holes. Then you slice off bits that stick up, according to your personal aesthetics. I think it would look good in some kind of harlequin pattern, personally. Questions later, we gotta get 'em softened up first. :blows kisses at agonized prisoners: Be back later, boys, don’t go anywhere! ---
**Author:** ![Zanshin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e274bd/32.png) [@Zanshin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zanshin)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2001, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/146 "2001-09-28T14:15:36Z")
> [@](#): > > **Zanshin** if the corps won’t cover your tab, I’ll hire you personally out of my share if you can actually pull off that disguise. Hell, **Fallen** , and that’s my “B” disguise! You should see what I can do when I pull out my “A”-level stuff! \ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2001, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/147 "2001-09-28T14:29:30Z")
**Wanders into tisiphone’s tent, to stand guard over the prisoners. Occasionally, when sharpening becomes tiresome, he throws random objects at them to keep them awake until their torturess returns. Hopes she’ll be pleased with him.** ---
**Author:** ![FallenAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@FallenAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FallenAngel)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2001, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/148 "2001-09-28T19:49:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BunnyGirl \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > “Never go in against a Cecilian when Death is on the line.” > > Bwahahahaaha! > > Woo-hoo! 10 **Bunny** points for **FallenAngel** for the best use of a _Princess Bride_ quote intermingled with a pun! \*\* I’m flattered and honored. What’s the symbol for a **Bunny** point? I want to put 10 of them down the length of my rifle stock. “Don’t mess with him. Did you SEE how many **Bunny** points he has?!” ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2001, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/149 "2001-09-28T20:42:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FallenAngel \* > \*\*I’m flattered and honored. What’s the symbol for a **Bunny** point? I want to put 10 of them down the length of my rifle stock. > > “Don’t mess with him. Did you SEE how many **Bunny** points he has?!” \*\* Why, [this](http://securestore.playboy.com/whnjsp/playboy/body.jsp?CategoryKey=75&CategoryType=0), of course! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/150 "2001-09-29T01:41:18Z")
\ You came for **Sterra**? Well, that’s just too bad. She can’t come out right now. She’s currently back in the tent, er…“recharging.” As it is, I’ll be more than happy to speak for her, and last time I checked, **Sterra** was none too fond of you government spooks. \ So, you guys gonna get in your little whirlybirds and scram, or am I gonna have to teach you how the Cecilian brigade manages our operations? \ ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/151 "2001-09-29T02:08:30Z")
**Sue** is out of town taking care of her sick Mot…uh, in special training torture camp. If you don’t get the continuing education during the year, you gotta go to the seminars. **Tisiphone** , you’re in charge in my absence. ---
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/152 "2001-09-29T03:11:39Z")
**nicklz** slowly rubs **hardygrrl’s** leg muscle while relaxing in the hot tub, when he notices the helicopters landing. As he jumps out of the hot tub grabing a towel by the door as he ties it around him, he reachs for his gun and runs out to see what all the comotion is about. As he gets to the outer door of his baricks he opens the door just a hair to see what’s going down. A stand off between this government types and some of his own teammembers, “huh looks kinda serious” he wispers to himself. As he ready’s his weapon taking aim at the enemies he awaits to see how this plays out before he starts emptying clips on people. ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/153 "2001-09-29T03:27:45Z")
\*\*hardygrrl jumps out of the hot tub as well, quickly tossing on a robe and getting **Nicklz** some spare magazines, as well as another gun, just in case… ---
**Author:** ![BigGiantHead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b4bc9f/32.png) [@BigGiantHead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigGiantHead)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/154 "2001-09-29T03:47:38Z")
OOH! I wanna play! (I know, I’m coming in awful late… howinthehell have I missed this thread for like eight days?) Here’s the deal: I won’t have any one particular character, not even any lines. You just use me in, like, seventeen stupid little roles all over the place. Just like Sam Raimi does with some friends in the _Evil Dead/AoD_ series. Only with better disguises. The fans will make a huge drinking game out of spotting all my characters on the DVD later on - there **is** gonna be a movie, right? “Guy with the clipboard, checking the cooling gauges on **bashere** ’s mainframe… cheeeeee-zy!” “I think that’s his legs sticking out from under **Manservant** ’s Porsche?” “Got 'im! Chopping nuts for **AbbySthrnAccent** ’s care-package cookies! What’s WITH that chef’s hat?” “I can’t _believe_ they’ve got him polishing and shelving lamps in the shop scene with **Karellen**. Who wrote this?” “Is that him? The third helo pilot, on **Gartog** ’s left? Damn, I didn’t recognize him in that tux… He looks fiiiiiine!” “Oh! There he is, with the headset, relaying the Commander’s orders to the front line!” Speaking of which, who **is** the Commander in this ragtag group? **Sue** , you seem to be gettin’ an awful lot of respect for someone who signed on as a torturer/llama herder. But, when in Rome… so, do I get the gig(s)? - Dave (or not) ---
**Author:** ![BigGiantHead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b4bc9f/32.png) [@BigGiantHead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigGiantHead)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/155 "2001-09-29T03:49:17Z")
(Just because I almost never use my .sig, but it’s about perfect for this thread. And I forgot to hit the button last time.) ---
**Author:** ![Gartog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/22d042/32.png) [@Gartog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gartog)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/156 "2001-09-29T11:19:33Z")
Gartog leans over to the guy on the right and whispers something in his ear, the Agent nods and returns to the black 'copter. He returns carrying a clipboard and passes it to Gartog. ‘Sir,’ Agent Gartog shouts to the mud caked mercenary in front of him ‘Mister \*\*Jester[b/], I have here’ He waves the clipboard at **Jester** ‘a warrant for your arrest. I am willing to tear this up and forget I ever saw you . . . .in fact I am willing to over look this entire _Armature_ Operation if you return her to us intact.’ ---
**Author:** ![Gartog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/22d042/32.png) [@Gartog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gartog)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/157 "2001-09-29T11:21:23Z")
Gartog glances to the agent on his left, ‘Smith you messed up the coding again, that will go on your permanent record’ [sub]I must preview my posts, I must preview my posts.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Sterra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Sterra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterra)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/158 "2001-09-29T17:19:43Z")
\ “Nice to see you again, Gartog. Last time I saw you you had said the same thing right before that little village dissapeared in Mexico I suggest you leave before we get some nice new helicoptors for our raid tomorrow” ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2001, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/159 "2001-09-29T20:01:44Z")
Huh. You seem to be implying that your warrant will intimidate me. Don’t you know anything? The events of my long and torrid past, which will be disclosed at a future date in the movie with sentimental music playing in the background, are ancient history. Why won’t you just let me start a new life here with my fellow mercs? And **Sterra** , too. \ Oh. Well, in that case, it’s on to Plan B. You try to take me in, I kill you and bury you under the nearest sand dune. Kapish? \ ---
**Author:** ![Gartog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/22d042/32.png) [@Gartog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gartog)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2001, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914/160 "2001-09-30T11:55:55Z")
“Mexico was a mistake, It will not happen again.” “What? I can’t hear you, say again?” Gartogs hand moves to his ear. “What do you mean withdraw! Sir Finally she is within our grasp again” Gartog begins to look more agitated. "Sir If the Afghans get hold of it . . . " He pulls the ear piece out and throws it too the Ground. Turning to face his own men he speaks “Gentlemen we seem to be having communication difficulties. We will continue as planned. Bring out the device.” As he speaks The two agents next to him turn and walk back to the 'copters. Agent Smith looks over his shoulder. “I’m sorry Sir, enjoy the desert.” The 'copters spin up and lift off, when the dust clears **Gartog** is all alone, surrounded by _Straight Dope Mercenaries._ "There seems to have been a change of Plan . . . . " [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-mercenaries/82914.md?page=9)