# The Straight Dope Morning Show **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 15, 2001, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772 "2001-09-15T05:07:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/1 "2001-09-15T05:07:20Z")
Anyway, **Airman Doors** and I were bemoaning the state of morning radio. In the spirit of producing a better one, this is what we came up with: [ul] [li] **Fenris** as host[/li][li] **Airman** as color commentator[/li][li] **MsRobyn** as the news and traffic anchor[/li][li] **Scylla** as commentator[/li][li] **Anthracite** as energy correspondent[/li][li] **Tiggeril** as second banana and happy fuzzy bunny lobber[/li][li] **FatherJohn** as transportation correspondent ;)[/li][li] **Zenster** for the cooking segment[/li][li] **Odieman** as the music programmer[/li][li] **Olentzero** as the political correspondent/commentator[/li][li] **SuaSponte** , **minty green** , and **Jodi** as rotating legal correspondents[/li][li] **Qadgop the Mercotan** as medical correspondent[/li][li] **Manservant Hecubus** is the advertising manager[/li][li]And, of course, our own beloved station manager **Uncle Cecil** [/li] [/ul] If anyone wishes to audition, please feel free to do so. We’re always looking for fresh talent. 🙂 Robin ---
**Author:** ![Redboss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8baadc/32.png) [@Redboss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redboss)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/2 "2001-09-15T09:22:07Z")
Surely **jarbabyj** as the perky but sincere co-host. I will tempted to compile a list of posters who will be outside the window, holding up pathetic illegible signs and screaming, but that might be mean. Redboss ---
**Author:** ![Redboss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8baadc/32.png) [@Redboss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redboss)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/3 "2001-09-15T09:23:20Z")
Oh. Radio. well, I was in too much of a hurry to read the goddam OP, that’s why! @!\*^@ Redface ---
**Author:** ![Slip\_Mahoney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Slip\_Mahoney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slip_Mahoney)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/4 "2001-09-15T12:12:48Z")
Wow! This could be the break I’ve been looking for. I’d like to audition for the position of listener, if I may. I have a wealth of experience in that field. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/5 "2001-09-15T12:58:40Z")
And a Gooood Morning to all you cool cats and groovy chicks out there in Doperland! This is Fantabulous Fenris in the AM. We’ve decided to ditch that AM talk-show thing and make the show about what you _REALLY_ wanna hear about. Me! And an ecclectic mix of oldies! We’ll start things off by playing a request. It’s from ME! My letter to myself reads: \* "Dear Me, We’re both so cool that if we had a crisper drawer, we could keep cabbage fresh! Can we play “Bim-Bam-Boom!” by the El Dorados as the opening song for the start of our new morning show format today? Love, Yourself" \* Sure we can, Fenris! And Fenris, if you were any groovier, you’d be made of vinyl! :: sound of a needle being put on a record. :: \*Someone’s a-knocking on my back door Somewhere along around about…Midnight. Someone’s a-knocking on my back door Somewhere along around about…Midnight. \* :: Sound of door being slammed open. Harrassed voice, just barely audible over the record shreiks :: [sub]"…th’\ do you think you’re doing!!!"[/sub] _Something I wonder, yes I really, really wonder Who could that someone be-ee?_ [sub]“No you \! You can’t just \cking change formats! What the hell were you \”[/sub] \*Somewhere along about 11:44, Heard someone knocking on my back door. Hurried to the kitchen to look what I could see… \* [sub]“I don’t care if the idea came to you in a dream. I don’t care if the idea came to you on golden tablets from Jesus \ Christ himself. Now turn this shit off and \!!!”[/sub] ::Sound of unimaginable violence. Needle is yanked off the record:: Ahem. Loyal fans of the Fantabulous Fenris in the AM show will be disappointed to learn that I’ve just been informed by our station manager that the decision [sub]OW! I said I’d say it! Quit twisting you sunnofa…[/sub] to switch from a talk-show format to an ecclectic oldies format is reserved for managment _FASCISTS_! So, following this commerical break, we’ll return to the old Fenris In the Morning show format. [sub]I said stop twisting. You wanna piece o’ me? Fine.[/sub] :: more sounds of unimaginable violence :: :: dead air :: Smarmy announcer: _Friends, have you ever suffered from the heartbreak of nasal hemerroids?.._ Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Ad\_Noctum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b19c9b/32.png) [@Ad\_Noctum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ad_Noctum)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/6 "2001-09-15T14:45:02Z")
I’d like to audition for the role of “kid sitting in a chair spouting off comments every once in a while” I think that MsRobyn called that a " he Sycophantic hanger-on" I’m not sure though. * * * And a Gooood Morning to all you cool cats and groovy chicks out there in Doperland! This is Fantabulous Fenris in the AM. We’ve decided to ditch that AM talk-show thing and make the show about what you REALLY wanna hear about. Me! And an ecclectic mix of oldies! \*\* Ad Noctum-- “Hell Yea, Oldies kick ass, eh?” \*\* We’ll start things off by playing a request. It’s from ME! My letter to myself reads: "Dear Me, We’re both so cool that if we had a crisper drawer, we could keep cabbage fresh! Can we play “Bim-Bam-Boom!” by the El Dorados as the opening song for the start of our new morning show format today? Love, Yourself" \*\* Ad Noctum-- You Betchya! \*\* Sure we can, Fenris! And Fenris, if you were any groovier, you’d be made of vinyl! \*\* Ad Noctum-- Made of Vinyl 🙂 \*\* :: sound of a needle being put on a record. :: Someone’s a-knocking on my back door Somewhere along around about…Midnight. Someone’s a-knocking on my back door Somewhere along around about…Midnight. \*\* Ad Noctum-- Uh-oh! \*\* :: Sound of door being slammed open. Harrassed voice, just barely audible over the record shreiks :: “…th’\ do you think you’re doing!!!” Something I wonder, yes I really, really wonder Who could that someone be-ee? \*\* Ad Noctum-- and Fenris in the left corner with a good headlock, oh he got out of it, and he’s got him by the feet, heh, now THIS is quality entertainment! \*\* “No you \! You can’t just \cking change formats! What the hell were you \” Somewhere along about 11:44, Heard someone knocking on my back door. Hurried to the kitchen to look what I could see… \*\* Ad Noctum-- he’s got him by the EARS! \*\* “I don’t care if the idea came to you in a dream. I don’t care if the idea came to you on golden tablets from Jesus \ Christ himself. Now turn this shit off and \!!!” ::Sound of unimaginable violence. Needle is yanked off the record:: Ahem. Loyal fans of the Fantabulous Fenris in the AM show will be disappointed to learn that I’ve just been informed by our station manager that the decision OW! I said I’d say it! Quit twisting you sunnofa… to switch from a talk-show format to an ecclectic oldies format is reserved for managment FASCISTS! So, following this commerical break, we’ll return to the old Fenris In the Morning show format. I said stop twisting. You wanna piece o’ me? Fine. :: more sounds of unimaginable violence :: \*\* Ad Noctum-- Well, uh… yea they’re kickin’ each other’s ass… heh, OH Shit! That looked like it hurt! wait, I wanna join in on the rumble!.. wait… nevermind… I’d have to get UP then… screwit, I’m goin’ to sleep \*\* :: dead air :: Smarmy announcer: Friends, have you ever suffered from the heartbreak of nasal hemerroids?.. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/7 "2001-09-15T16:11:56Z")
You need someone to work in the studio and proudce the commercials, I’m joining up for that. ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/8 "2001-09-15T16:17:57Z")
I’ll volunteer to be the guy who does really, really stupid things for the amusement of listeners in exchange for wacky prizes! ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/9 "2001-09-15T16:26:28Z")
\*\* knock knock knock\*\* > [@](#): > > Yes, **Saint Zero**? Please step aside, I’m with the F.C.C. I have some questions here. First of all, why is there a cruller on the mixing board? Second of all, who is this man seen in every hallway, every rest room, immense collages of him in the kitchen? And, why does he have a moartarboard on his head in each drawing? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/10 "2001-09-15T16:34:15Z")
I represent **Uncle Rue, Story Guy** and I propose a regular feature wherein he shares his wit and whimsey. Now, as his authorized agent, I can assure you all that I’m ready to negotiate his contract in good faith, and when he returns from his camping trip, he’ll just sign on the dotted line and start doing that magic that he does so well. He requires a 20 minute spot during drive time, full editorial control, fresh donuts daily, reserved parking, and matching contributions to his 401K. Now, about his theme music… ---
**Author:** ![tiggeril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggeril/32/7234_2.png) [@tiggeril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiggeril)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/11 "2001-09-15T18:40:45Z")
::lobs happy fuzzy bunnies around the studio:: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![robgruver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@robgruver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robgruver)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/12 "2001-09-15T19:00:31Z")
Ooooo… I could be the sex doctor, ala Dr. Drew or that other creepy lady that sounds like Judge Judy. [sub]or the resident computer type person, every show needs one of those[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/13 "2001-09-15T21:33:28Z")
We were saving that for JDT, Rob. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![beagledave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6de8d8/32.png) [@beagledave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beagledave)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/14 "2001-09-15T22:30:44Z")
So, I’m the fifteenth caller. Whadda I win? ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/15 "2001-09-15T22:40:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by beagledave \* > \*\*So, I’m the fifteenth caller. Whadda I win? \*\* Two free movie passes and my services as a babysitter. 🙂 Robin ---
**Author:** ![tavalla](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tavalla/32/89_2.png) [@tavalla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tavalla)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2001, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/16 "2001-09-15T22:41:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Redboss \* > **Oh. Radio.** Ne’mind, **Redboss** , people have been known to crowd outside studio windows and do dumb things, especially at outside broadcasts. So it still applies; post away! 🙂 I’d like to apply for the position of Foreign Correspondent, Australian Division. Laconic Aussie wit - or, more likely, a bit of stupidity - delivered to your door, complete with a funny accent. ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2001, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/17 "2001-09-16T01:52:41Z")
I need a bit of assistance with the more…classical elements of the programming of this station, so I will ask **Screech Owl** to help me with that…after all the job is too big for just one person to do. Keith ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2001, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/18 "2001-09-16T01:57:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by robgruver \* > \*\*Ooooo… I could be the sex doctor, ala Dr. Drew or that other creepy lady that sounds like Judge Judy. > \*\* Oh! I want to be your co-host for that! I’ll be the one that presents the weekly sex survey. ---
**Author:** ![Zappo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b3f665/32.png) [@Zappo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zappo)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2001, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/19 "2001-09-16T02:11:37Z")
Dear Sir and/or Madame: Today my faithful manservent Ruggles told me about something he enjoys called “Fantabulous Fenris in the AM.” So that I might be exposed to this “radio” program, Ruggles adjusted the wireless in my bed chamber so that we could listen to it as he administered my customary morning flogging. As I listened to the gouts of half-digested pablum issuing forth from the wireless, it occurred to me that this “radio” gadget you folks are monkeying with might just be the coming thing. Kindly consider this missive my request for information on the feasibility and cost of placing advertisments for my manifold wares and services on your “radio” program. As a captain of industry and all-round vicious plutocrat, I am always on the lookout for new ways to spread the odious tentacles of my influence into new spheres. Being visionaries yourselves I am sure I have no need to enlighten you as to the possibilities this medium might have in persuading the great unwashed masses of bleating sheep to pay usurious prices for my shoddily-constructed and blatantly substandard products. Please advise soonest as to rates and the necessary formalities. Your kind cooperation in this matter is appreciated. Yrs. most sincerely, /s/ Zappo President, CEO and Godhead Amalgamated Zappocorp International “Proudly Gouging Those Too Stupid To Know Better Since 1936” ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2001, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772/20 "2001-09-17T15:02:37Z")
Whoa, **AirmanDoors** actually consented to letting me on the show? How many bones did you have to break before he gave in? 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-straight-dope-morning-show/81772.md?page=2)