# The Swan (spoilers) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 8, 2004, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909 "2004-04-08T06:01:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2004, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/61 "2004-04-20T04:15:51Z")
_ **LASIK?!** _ They gave tonight’s first contestant **lasik** surgery?!? What the hell does refractive correction have to do with making her more good-looking? ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2004, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/62 "2004-04-20T10:54:07Z")
No glasses or contacts. Lasik is a routine part of extreme makeovers. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2004, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/63 "2004-04-20T13:00:22Z")
Even for beauty pageant contestants? It’s not like you can see someone’s contact lenses from that distance. (And if you **do** do an extreme enough close-up on a beauty pageant contestant to see her contact lenses, you’re also going to see the Vaseline they smear on their teeth. Bleah.) ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2004, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/64 "2004-04-20T16:54:11Z")
> [@tracer](#): > > Seriously, what do you think their current selections do for those of us in the audience who are mateless? “These women are supposed to be bottom-of-the-barrel ugly ducklings, yet even **they** have acquired mates! How much more of a loser **I** must be!” I thought that last night, after seeing The Swan for the first time. "Here’s a woman who _shaves her face daily_, and even she has a loving husband. Seriously, I’d be the first onboard if they ever did a “Swan for Men” show. I’m attractive enough where plastic surgery can turn me into a hunk, but my self-esteem, when it comes to my appearance is almost non-existent. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/65 "2004-04-21T15:47:06Z")
Nah, a “Swan for Men” show would never work. A woman can be attractive just by her appearance alone – she doesn’t also have to be poised or confident or smooth or any of that (although those help). A man, on the other hand, can be the best looking specimen of masculinity on Earth, and will still be considered unattractive **unless** he’s also confident and poised and smooth. Plastic surgery can’t improve someone’s personality. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2004, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/66 "2004-04-27T05:23:20Z")
Another week, another two Extreme Makeovers [TM]. Both of the “after” ladies they had this week looked stunning. Either of them could’ve beat out both of the so-so transformations from last week. Of course, in my never-humble opinion, the two of them were somewhat prettier to begin with than the two they had on last week, which might have helped. Again, I notice that both of them, despite being classed as “ugly ducklings”, nevertheless had a boyfriend or a husband. The blonde woman kept on saying that her husband had cheated on her, but from the way she described it it sounds like his “cheating” didn’t go any farther than 1st base. Only **one** woman they’ve had on so far was single and unattached, and even she had kids from an earlier marriage. I’m still waiting for women who need **real** help to be contestants. I’ve also noticed that, during every episode, there is one TV commercial involving animated pencil-sketches of people whose basic premise is either “Don’t listen to those nagging voices in your head telling you you’re a loser, girlfriend!” or “Get away from your violent husband/boyfriend.” I suppose _The Swan_ is a good choice for a show to play these Public Service Announcements during. Does _The Swan_ really have a large viewer demographic of women with low opinions of themselves? ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2004, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/67 "2004-05-04T06:16:23Z")
This week, we had:[list=A][li]A really insecure woman with some acne scarring who took things out on her boyfriend/husband; and[/li][li]A former model who had had a couple of abusive husbands, thereby proving the old addage that the pretty women all seem to be attracted to the assholes.[/list]The first woman, once again, wasn’t so unattractive that she was unable to secure a mate for herself. In fact, she was able to secure a mate who was, it seemed, willing to put up with her somewhat-abusive emotional pettiness. Hardly the “loser” you’d think of when searching for an ugly duckling to transform.[/li] The second woman seemed like a breath of fresh air at first, in that she was single (just like the 40-something woman 2 weeks ago). However, she grew up blessed with stunningly good looks, unlike the other contestants, and had married twice and had a kid by the time she got on the show. I also have to say that the “before” footage of the former model looked cuter than the “after” footage of her did! 187 pounds is overweight, but it’s **not** obese. Why don’t they get one or two of those seriously overweight women they feature on shows like _Super Surgery_, who needs a gastric bypass operation just to get thin enough to move around under her own power, and put **her** through a transformation? **That** would be an impressive sight to behold. But, sadly, I suspect the average viewer wouldn’t tune in – in the words of _The Simpsons_, they want “Hollywood ugly, not ugly ugly!” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/68 "2004-05-11T14:54:51Z")
This week, we had a two-hour episode – or, rather, two one-hour episodes back-to-back. In hour 1, we got:[list=A][li]A woman who considered herself plain, and who was still attached to a husband whom she’d divorced for cheating on her (she was also the only woman shown to have been in an interracial relationship); and[/li][li]A woman whose was so distraught at the thought of her getting cheek implants that he whined on the phone with her constantly and didn’t even show up for the big teary-eyed reunion at the end.[/list]In hour 2, we got:[list=a]A single mom who was so traumatized by the fact that her kids’ father (presumably not married to her) left her that she hasn’t dated in over a decade, and says she’s tired all the time; and[/li][li]The first woman on this show that I’d really call an “ugly duckling,” an Ernest Borgnine look-alike who was as at-odds-with her own kids as her parents had been to her, and who seemed not even to be aware of it at first – and who, despite all this, still manages to hold on to a not-too-shabby-lookin’ husband.[/list]As before, all four women had serious self-esteem issues. I’m sure that had a lot to do with how the contestants on the show were chosen. I’m beginning to wonder if some of these ladies weren’t exaggerating their personal misery just a tad so as to increase their chances of being on the show. There was a show in the 1950s or 1960s called “Queen for a Day,” where the woman with the most pathetic sob story won all sorts of prizes, and _The Swan_ may have gotten some of its inspiration from that earlier show.[/li] I gotta say, the single mom from hour 2 came out of the process as a _total_ hottie. I can see why they chose her to go on to the pageant. This was kinda surprising, considering how they showed her constantly slacking off in the gym, and even slacking off with respect to wearing the post-operative garments that were supposed to make her plastic surgery heal up nicely. Next week, we are told, we’re going to get the only contestant to walk out of the program before her 3 months are up – and she’ll get replaced by a “wild card” contestant from among the previous weeks’ losers. (Assuming the previous weeks’ losers haven’t all gone home and slit their wrists due to their fragile self-esteem problems. :rolleyes: ) ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/69 "2004-05-11T15:03:27Z")
> [@Tracer](#): > > I gotta say, the single mom from hour 2 came out of the process as a total hottie. I agree. She looked amazing. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/70 "2004-05-11T15:11:49Z")
Er … the description for the B contestant in Hour 1 should read: “A woman whose **boyfriend** was so distraught at the thought …” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2004, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/71 "2004-05-11T15:14:14Z")
> [@Libertarian](#): > > I agree. She looked amazing. She also looked like Birgit Huppertz from YMCA daycamp, whom I had a crush on when I was 10. (What can I say, I’m a sucker for long blond hair.) ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2004, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/72 "2004-05-18T17:16:43Z")
So, last night, we got to see the last pair of low-self-esteem swannies (both of whom had husbands). Unfortunately, the one who was, in my never-humble opinion, the prettier of the two just plain flaked out. She sat around moping and whining about how hard the program was, then threw in the towel be sneaking a mirror into her room. (Hmph. She didn’t even have the decency to quit honestly. She only told 'em she was quitting because she got caught. If they hadn’t found that mirror, she probably would’ve snuck through and might have even been sent on to the pageant.) Then they brought back Kelly, the bawling crybaby from week 1, and one of the other ladies who’d fallen off my personal radar. Apparently, they’d been asked to tough it out for another month so that they could come back and have an opportunity to be rejected a second time. 😛 Next week: Nine women with self-esteem problems and new plastic bodies will wear swimming suits, put Vaseline on their teeth, and tell everybody that they hope for world peace. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/73 "2004-05-25T03:10:20Z")
Okay, the two-hour Swan Pageant series finale is on right now … and … one of the judges is a **publisher of self-help books?!?!** :smack: Gah! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/74 "2004-05-25T03:55:03Z")
I feel kinda sorry for Merline. Her plastic surgery seems to have left her upper lip in a permanent snarl. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/75 "2004-05-25T04:10:51Z")
If reality shows are still popular a decade from now, I wonder if Fox will do _The Swan – 10 Years Later_. “See how badly these 16 transformed beauties let themselves go! Find out how many committed suicide after they’d reached the pinnacle only to have their fragile self-esteem once more snatched from their grasp!” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/76 "2004-05-25T04:38:04Z")
Hmmm … from the camera angles on her, and the inflection in the hostess’s voice whenever she’s introduced, it almost looks like they’re setting up Rachel to win. :dubious: What’s with the bird-wing-flapping of their right arms when each of these women models lingerie? Oh – wouldn’t it be keen if Simon from _American Idol_ was one of the judges? “You call those tits? If by some miracle you were chosen as the winner, it would set beauty contests back a hundred years.” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/77 "2004-05-25T04:48:18Z")
Ooh! Cindy **nailed** that speech! Throw in a kitten, a puppy, and world peace, and she’d have a _Miss America_-winning speech hands down. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2004, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909/78 "2004-05-25T05:21:32Z")
> [@tracer](#): > > Hmmm … from the camera angles on her, and the inflection in the hostess’s voice whenever she’s introduced, it almost looks like they’re setting up Rachel to win. :dubious: See? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-swan-spoilers/238909.md?page=3)