# The Teeming Millions rule the world. What ministry do you want? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 17, 2006, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068 "2006-09-17T14:58:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2006, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/21 "2006-09-17T21:18:56Z")
Given the political views of the overwhelming majority of this Board, I want the Ministry of Space Transport so I can start looking for another world! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2006, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/22 "2006-09-17T21:24:55Z")
I want to be Grand High Magistrate Of The Inquisatorial Court. All the Evil of the Secret Police gig, no getting shot at. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2006, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/23 "2006-09-17T22:12:01Z")
I want to head the Ministry of War. None of this “Defense” pussyfooting – we’re here to make war with anybody we don’t particularly like. Since we now have a global hegemony, it’s primarily the job of the Secret Police to keep uprisings from getting started. But if **Little Nemo** and/or **BrainGlutton** aren’t quite up to snuff, then it’s time to send in the army! We’ll warm up by conquering France. Yeah, I know, Germany did that once already (last century) and England practically did so to (15th century, under Henry V), but hey, you’ve got to start somewhere. Unlike the Fearless Leader of the week, I don’t want to reduce France to a vast wasteland on day one, for two big reasons: 1. It’s an excessive use of force, let’s see how good the army already is at invading an annoying province. If they demonstrate a need for additional training, _then_ we can go ahead and reduce France to rubble. 2. I want to exact a ransom from that annoying province in the form of large quantities of delicious French pastries, outstanding French wines, and hot French chicks. (Subject to validation by previously claimed departments. Naturally, our Fearless Leader gets first pick of the ransom.) ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2006, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/24 "2006-09-17T23:14:53Z")
[QUOTE=Scuba\_Ben] **edited by Bosda** We’ll warm up by conquering France. Yeah, I know, Germany did that once already (last century) and England practically did so to (15th century, under Henry V), but hey, you’ve got to start somewhere. … 2. I want to exact a ransom from that annoying province in the form of large quantities of delicious French pastries, outstanding French wines, and hot French chicks. (Subject to validation by previously claimed departments. Naturally, our Fearless Leader gets first pick of the ransom.) [/QUOTE] Point of order–French Chicks don’t shave their pits. This brings the “hot” issue into question. Second poiint of order–I like Blondes. My considered Judicial opinion is that we invade someplace Scandinavian. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2006, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/25 "2006-09-17T23:15:51Z")
As someone who enjoys orchestral music, I’ll opt for the post of Minister of Orchestras. Composers like Stockhousen will be expunged, and the likes of Glass will be forced to listen to their own muzak 24 hours a day. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/26 "2006-09-18T00:47:03Z")
[QUOTE=Scribble] I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think that, as dictator, you’d really be all that evil. You’re the Diet Coke of evil. Only one calorie–not evil enough. The fact that you blatantly ripped off the sharks with laser beams on their heads from the Austin Powers movies only reinforces my impression of the bogosity of your evilness. Yeah, okay, so you made them flying robot sharks, but the basic weakness still stands. I mean, real evil has the originality of genius. This is imitation evil, evil made with margarine and vanillin, an artificial flavoring. Try again, **Skald.** [/QUOTE] 'Cuse me? Did Hannah Arendt die in vain? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/27 "2006-09-18T00:51:10Z")
[QUOTE=Evil Captor] Now I share with **Scribbler** a sense that you aren’t all that as evil overlords go. Come now. What would the Ministry of Silly Walks do in an evil overlord’s government? \ ***Force** others to engage in Silly Walks of course! [/quote] [/quote] Dude! This is me you’re talking to. I’m on record as not being interested in the actual administration of the tyranny. Once the conquest is over, I’m taking the rest of my career off. That’s why I want MINISTERS. > [@](#): > > This would have the effect of crushing rebels easily. As soon as you find one, instead of imprisoning him and giving him time to plan his rebellion more thoroughly, or killing him and making him a martyr for others to follow in the footsteps of, you implant the Silly Walks microchip in him. Now, you can attract adherents pretty well with that “Down with Skald!” and “Death to Skald” and “Skald is worse than the Nazis and almost as bad as George W. Bush!” stuff, but as soon as you finish and head to your seat with a Silly Walk, no one will take you seriously. Worse yet, no chick will let you score with her. So, the rebellion is, like, doomed. What’s the point of being God-King without rebels to crush? 'Sides, I had explosives implanted in all your skulls, remember? If you were REALLY evil, you’ld already have figured that out. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/28 "2006-09-18T00:59:53Z")
Ministry of Counter-Counter-Counter-Counter-Counter-Counter Intelligence. It’s complex enough that I could do pretty much whatever I want and get away with it. “What?? Why are you setting those buildings on fire? All our food is in there!!” "Well, the rebellion’s spies haven’t been seen in this area. Which, of course, means that they must be here - however, since our spies say that they suspect something is going on, which means there probably isn’t, unless of course the rebellion _know_ we’ll think that, in which case they aren’t, or do know, but in an elaborate double bluff… _Four hours later_ …with the lizards. So that’s why I had to set the buildings on fire." ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/29 "2006-09-18T01:33:55Z")
[QUOTE=Revenant Threshold] Ministry of Counter-Counter-Counter-Counter-Counter-Counter Intelligence. It’s complex enough that I could do pretty much whatever I want and get away with it. “What?? Why are you setting those buildings on fire? All our food is in there!!” "Well, the rebellion’s spies haven’t been seen in this area. Which, of course, means that they must be here - however, since our spies say that they suspect something is going on, which means there probably isn’t, unless of course the rebellion _know_ we’ll think that, in which case they aren’t, or do know, but in an elaborate double bluff… _Four hours later_ …with the lizards. So that’s why I had to set the buildings on fire." [/QUOTE] Screw that. You’re Grand Vizier. You’re Byzantine enough to do the job right, plus being a zombie & all you don’t have to worry about assassins. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/30 "2006-09-18T01:55:55Z")
\*\*Ministry of Love. \*\* Then I could take care of **both** those I like and those I don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/31 "2006-09-18T02:24:24Z")
[QUOTE=Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor] Point of order–French Chicks don’t shave their pits. This brings the “hot” issue into question. [/quote] Neither do I. What’s your point? > [@](#): > > Second poiint of order–I like Blondes. > > My considered Judicial opinion is that we invade someplace Scandinavian. That’s not a point of order, that’s a point of preference. And it’s a good point, too – blondes are nice to have. Let’s collect the whole set! I don’t consider the Scandinavian provinces to present a tough situation requiring a military assault, so I suggest sending the Secret Police into those areas, rounding up the usual suspects and hostages (primarily tall blonde Scandinavian chicks), and processing them through the Inquisitorial Court. Will that satisfy you, Grand High Magistrate **Bosda**? Just be sure that the Fearless Leader and all the cabinet ministers get their share of hostages. You know, spread the hostages around for security purposes, so they can’t all be ‘rescued’ at once. Right. That’s the ticket. ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/32 "2006-09-18T05:24:20Z")
Ministry, shcministry! If you can cause Campbell Brown to be naked on television where I can see it for free, I will abandon atheism and worship the God Skald. Yes, I know she’s a well-educated, articulate journalist who happens to be a woman. But she happens to be a smokin’ hot woman, and I drool uncontrollably at the thought of seeing her naked. On television. What was this thread originally about? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/33 "2006-09-18T11:37:39Z")
[QUOTE=Sunrazor] Ministry, shcministry! If you can cause Campbell Brown to be naked on television where I can see it for free, I will abandon atheism and worship the God Skald. Yes, I know she’s a well-educated, articulate journalist who happens to be a woman. But she happens to be a smokin’ hot woman, and I drool uncontrollably at the thought of seeing her naked. On television. What was this thread originally about? [/QUOTE] I don’t remember either. But “smoking hot” doesn’t cover Campbell Brown. What those morons at NBC News are thinking, NOT promoting her to the top Today spot, I’ll never know. Somebody remind me to have them all executed when… Oh, that’s right. The SDMB running the world. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/34 "2006-09-18T11:53:55Z")
Can I get the Ministry of Bureaus? I’ll hire all those morons who think that Procedures Can Never Be Changed unless it’s in order to make them more senseless, complex and, ideally, impossible to follow. That’s evil! ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/35 "2006-09-18T12:14:11Z")
Don’t suppose you’d consider me for the post of Chief Minister of EVERY Ministry there is. I mean I could keep an eye on the rest of the toe rags and one word out of line and you, YOUR HIGHNESS, would be the first to know… We could then bump the buggers off and go for a beer or three, I’m paying ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/36 "2006-09-18T13:12:10Z")
Well, since nobody has asked for this one yet… I’d like to be in charge of the **Ministry of Education** , that way we can make sure that the schools are teaching proper critical thinking skills, research, and decision making skills so that students will be able to fight ignorance instead of propagating it. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/37 "2006-09-18T13:14:04Z")
[QUOTE=Dragwyr] Well, since nobody has asked for this one yet… I’d like to be in charge of the **Ministry of Education** , that way we can make sure that the schools are teaching proper critical thinking skills, research, and decision making skills so that students will be able to fight ignorance instead of propagating it. [/QUOTE] Did you get the “Skald is evil” memo? ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/38 "2006-09-18T13:48:43Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Did you get the “Skald is evil” memo? [/QUOTE] Oh… Yeah… Sorry. Ok. How about you make me in charge of the Ministry of Education so that we may fill the minds of our youth with whatever propaganda that would make them want to worship and exhalt you, Oh Skald the Rhymer, supreme ruler of all of creation. Is that better? Otherwise, I’ll take the Ministry of Prostitution. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/39 "2006-09-18T13:51:24Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Screw that. You’re Grand Vizier. You’re Byzantine enough to do the job right, plus being a zombie & all you don’t have to worry about assassins. [/QUOTE] Cool. Although, you know what they say about Grand Viziers… ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2006, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068/40 "2006-09-18T14:00:55Z")
Allow me to introduce you to your new Nap Czar. As for my qualifications, I can sleep anywhere, any time, in any position and under any conditions, whether or not I am tired. My diverse talents are the result of having logged innumerable hours in various media including hammocks, couches, desk chairs, and floors. I look forward to promoting the aggressive napping program, which should be an essential plank in any administration’s platform. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-teeming-millions-rule-the-world-what-ministry-do-you-want/373068.md?page=3)