# The terrible jokes thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 5, 2014, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404 "2014-07-05T13:22:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/181 "2014-07-15T15:49:14Z")
A man walks in to a bar and orders 10 shots of 30 year old scotch. The barkeep lines them up and the guy starts knocking them back in quick succession. The bartender says" Woah, you should go easy on that, it’s the good stuff!" Guy: “If you had what I do, you’d drink like this too!” Barkeep: says sympathetically,“What do you have?” Guy: finishes last shot, “Fifty cents.” Later that evening, Guy walks in and orders 5 shots of tequila. Barkeep says “Celebrating something?” Guy: “My first blowjob.” Barkeep: “Hey, for that I’ll buy you one, too!” Guy: “No thanks, if five won’t get the taste out, six won’t either…” I’m here til Thurs, tip yur server, G’Night! ---
**Author:** ![Double\_Foolscap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85e7bf/32.png) [@Double\_Foolscap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Double_Foolscap)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2014, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/182 "2014-07-15T15:54:07Z")
> [@ddsun](#): > > Because seven eight nine? _Yoda_ told that joke. ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/183 "2014-07-16T10:47:06Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > What do you call two guys with no arms or legs fastened to the wall, holding up some drapes? > > Kurt ‘n’ Rod. What do you call a man fastened to a tree, with his arms outstretched? That’s Jesus - you heathen. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/184 "2014-07-16T12:47:05Z")
> [@Dead\_Cat](#): > > Either you have a much more advanced sense of humour than me, or your computer has a virus! Explain? They’re both well-established memes. Whenever you mention the mind-controlling amphibian the shtick is that you don’t get to the end of the sentence without robotically intoning your devotion to him, and with the other guy the trouble is that if you say his name he kidnaps you before you finish what you are saying. So of course it is impossible to mention both Candlejack and the Hypno-Toad withALL GLORY TO THE HY ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/185 "2014-07-16T13:54:52Z")
> [@DingoelGringo](#): > > A piece of string walks into the bar and jumps onto a stool. “Give me a beer” “Get out of here we don’t serve string in here.” So he dropped down and went on down the street, entered another bar and asked for a beer. "Get out we don’t serve drinks to string in here. So he went on down the street. Saw an alley and stepped in and tied himself into a knot. Then he reached up and frayed the top. Down the street and into a bar. “Give me a beer.” “Are you a piece of string?” “No I’m a frayed Knot!” That’s a much better telling to a bad joke. My dad told that to me when I was 12, I was sure I misremembered it, and that it was indeed bad. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/186 "2014-07-16T15:19:54Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > Dammit, I’m mad! Rise, sir. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/187 "2014-07-16T16:09:56Z")
Rise, sir lapdog! God, pal, rise, sir! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/188 "2014-07-16T16:44:23Z")
> [@Wallaby](#): > > What do you call a man fastened to a tree, with his arms outstretched? > > That’s Jesus - you heathen. You’re going to hell for that joke and I’m going with you for laughing so hard. 😃 Ok, a couple of my favorites. What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells terrible? Two skunks fighting over a pickle What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite? A nun falling down stairs What’s blackandwhiteandblackandblue all over? Same nun the day after she fell down the stairs ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/189 "2014-07-16T16:57:29Z")
What’s greenandredandgreenandredandgreenandred? Frog in a blender! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/190 "2014-07-16T17:00:50Z")
> [@CheshireKat](#): > > What’s greenandredandgreenandredandgreenandred? > > Frog in a blender! One of my all time favorite stupid/terrible jokes! ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/191 "2014-07-16T19:57:34Z")
(Say it aloud) Is that a ring in your nose? No, it’s not. ---
**Author:** ![Toledo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/34f0e0/32.png) [@Toledo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toledo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2014, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/192 "2014-07-17T03:46:10Z")
Why isn’t it safe to go in the forest between 4 and 6 pm? Because the elephants are jumping out of the trees. Why do alligators have flat noses? Because they were in the forest between 4 and 6 pm. Why do beavers have flat tails? Beavers run faster than alligators. How do you tell an elephant in a crowd? They talk funny. How do you tell when an elephant has been in the refrigerator? They leave footprints in the cheesecake. How do you put 4 elephants in a volkswagen (beetle era, this was) 2 in front, 2 in back. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2014, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/193 "2014-07-17T11:17:10Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > They’re both well-established memes. Whenever you mention the mind-controlling amphibian the shtick is that you don’t get to the end of the sentence without robotically intoning your devotion to him, and with the other guy the trouble is that if you say his name he kidnaps you before you finish what you are saying. So of course it is impossible to mention both Candlejack and the Hypno-Toad withALL GLORY TO THE HY Thanks - I now appreciate the joke, good one! ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2014, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/194 "2014-07-17T17:05:46Z")
What’s green and fuzzy, has four legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2014, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/195 "2014-07-17T17:11:40Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > What’s green and fuzzy, has four legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? > > A pool table. FWIW, this is among my top five favorite jokes of all time! (I usually go with six legs to give the hint that it might be a bug of some sort.) ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2014, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/196 "2014-07-17T17:18:20Z")
What a great thread! I feel just like I’m in a night club in the Catskills! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2014, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/197 "2014-07-17T17:25:22Z")
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? You open the door and put the elephant in and then close the door. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? You open the door and take out the elephant and put the giraffe in, then close the door. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2014, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/198 "2014-07-18T01:09:55Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > (Say it aloud) > > Is that a ring in your nose? > > No, it’s not. I thought it was mucus, but it’s not. I work that in on the job every chance I get. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2014, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/199 "2014-07-18T12:08:57Z")
How did Helen Keller burn her face? Bobbing for French fries. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2014, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404/200 "2014-07-18T12:54:20Z")
Q: Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide? A: You would too if your name was **Urrgherhurr** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-terrible-jokes-thread/692404.md?page=11)